The Muppet Movie

The Muppet Movie is a 1979 live-action/puppet musical comedy film featuring Jim Henson's The Muppets in which Kermit and his newfound friends trek across America to find success in Hollywood, but a frog legs merchant is after Kermit.
 * Directed by James Frawley. Written by Jack Burns and Jerry Juhl.

Dialogue

 * Kermit: [giving directions to Fozzie] Bear left.
 * Fozzie: Right frog.


 * [discovering that their car was painted by The Electric Mayhem]
 * Fozzie: I don't know how to thank you guys!
 * Kermit: I don't know why to thank you guys.


 * Kermit: Where did you learn to drive?
 * Fozzie: I took a correspondence course.


 * Sweetums: Jack not name, Jack Job!
 * Used Car Store owner: How many times did I tell you not to talk to my customers?
 * Sweetums: Yeah, I know!
 * Used Car Store Owner: Just move it. You understand?


 * Kermit: [watching Gonzo, who's holding a bunch of helium balloons, fly by] Gonzo! What're you doing?
 * Gonzo: About seven knots!


 * Kermit the Frog: The El Sleezo Cafe. Hmm, Foreign food. Well, It doesn't smell promising. But a frog's gotta eat. (Gasps when a man is kicked out of the cafe) (to the man) Wow! Rough place, Huh?
 * The El Sleezo Cafe owner: That's the toughest, meanest, filthiest pest over the face of the earth!
 * Kermit the Frog: Well, why not complain to the owner?
 * The El Sleezo Cafe owner: I am the owner.


 * Kermit: Uh, Miss Piggy, Is that you?
 * Doc Hopper: Yes, That's her. And this is Doc Hopper. Let me tell you something. Come outside of the hotel right now. My guys will be waiting for you.
 * Kermit: But what if I don't?
 * Doc Hopper: Then your pig friend will be ham-hocked for breakfast.
 * Miss Piggy: (Screams) No, Kermie. Don't, don't.....
 * [Doc Hopper hangs up the phone and laughs at Miss Piggy]


 * Doctor Max Krassman: What the heck's goin' on here? A pig that goes bananas? What is this, a luau?


 * Doctor Max Krassman: I must reach the switch, I must. Reach it....
 * Miss Piggy: HAI-YAH! (Crashes into the machine) (To Kermit) Come out, Kermit!
 * Kermit the Frog: (In tears of joy) Oh, Thank you!
 * [Miss Piggy kicks the mad doctor and sets off the machine]
 * Doctor Max Krassman: (Screams when he leans on the chair), Ribbit! Ribbit! Ribbit! Ribbit! Ha! (He faints)


 * [first lines]
 * Statler: I'm Statler.
 * Waldorf: I'm Waldorf. We're here to heckle "The Muppet Movie".
 * Gate Guard: Gentlemen, that's straight ahead. Private screening room D.
 * Statler: Private screening?
 * Waldorf: Yeah, they're afraid to show it in public.


 * Rowlf: Oh. Broken heart, right?
 * Kermit: [sadly] Does it show?
 * Rowlf: Listen. When you've been tickling the ivories as long as I have, you've seen a broken heart for every drop of rain, a shattered dream for every falling star.
 * Kermit: Exactly. She just walked out on me.
 * Rowlf: Yeah, typical. That's why I live alone.
 * Kermit: You do, huh?
 * Rowlf: You bet. I finish work, I go home, read a book, have a couple of beers, take myself for a walk and go to bed.
 * Kermit: Nice and simple.
 * Rowlf: Stay away from women, that's my motto.
 * Kermit: But I can't.
 * Rowlf: Neither can I. That's my trouble.


 * Fozzie: Kermit, where're we?
 * Kermit: [looking at a map] Well, let's see. We're just traveling down this little green line here, and uh, just crossed that little pink line over here.
 * Fozzie: [takes his eyes off the road to focus on the map] Look, why don't we just take that little blue line, huh?
 * Kermit: We can't take that. That's a river.
 * Fozzie: Oh. I knew that.
 * Kermit: Yeah sure.
 * Fozzie: Well, listen Kermit, why don't we just go and...
 * Kermit: [cutting him off] Fozzie? Uh, Fozzie?
 * Fozzie: Yeah?
 * Kermit: Who's driving?


 * Kermit: I didn't promise anybody anything. What do I know about Hollywood, anyway? Just a dream I got from sitting through too many double features.
 * Kermit's Conscience: So why did you leave the swamp in the first place?
 * Kermit: 'Cause some agent fella said I had talent. He probably says that to everybody.
 * Kermit's Conscience: On the other hand, if you hadn't left the swamp, you'd be feeling pretty miserable anyhow.
 * Kermit: Yeah. But then it would just be me feeling miserable. Now I got a lady pig, and a bear and a chicken, a dog, a thing, whatever Gonzo is. He's a little like a turkey.
 * Kermit's Conscience: Mmm - Yeah. A little like a turkey, but not much.
 * Kermit: No, I guess not. Anyhow, I brought them all out here to the middle of nowhere, and it's all my fault.
 * Kermit's Conscience: Still, whether you promised them something or not, you gotta remember - they wanted to come.
 * Kermit: But... that's because they believed in me.
 * Kermit's Conscience: No, they believed in the dream.
 * Kermit: Well, so do I, but...
 * Kermit's Conscience: You do?
 * Kermit: Yeah! Of course I do.
 * Kermit's Conscience: Well, then?
 * Kermit: Well, then... I guess I was wrong when I said I never promised anyone. I promised me.


 * [Fozzie and Kermit speed away from Doc Hopper]
 * Doc Hopper: Max! [Max pulls over] Follow that frog. [Max drives off leaving Doc Hopper behind] Max!! [Max stops and reverses the car] Follow that frog with me in the car!
 * Max: I'm sorry, Doc, I just got excited. Isn't the frog terrific?
 * Doc Hopper: [getting in the car]: Terrific, Max, terrific, now go.
 * Max: But you promised me a reward.
 * Doc Hopper: Later, Max. Now follow that frog.


 * Bernie the Agent: HELP! HELLO! THIS IS A SERIOUS CALL FOR HELP!
 * Kermit the Frog: Uh, Yeah?
 * Bernie the Agent: SOMEONE? HELP! Oh, You, you with the banjo. Can you help me? I have lost my sense of direction!
 * Kermit the Frog: Have you tried Hare Krishna?
 * Bernie the Agent: (chuckles) No. No, I mean, I'm really lost.
 * Kermit the Frog: Uh, one second. (snaps at fly) Darn, I missed. You know, that's the first thing to go on a frog, his tongue. The tongue goes and you can't catch flies.
 * Bernie the Agent: Oh, that's rough, I'm sorry about your tongue, but, I have to get out of this swamp. I have to catch a plane.
 * Kermit the Frog: With that tongue? No way! But seriously, there's a boat dock just downstream.
 * Bernie the Agent: Thank you.
 * Kermit the Frog: Just watch out for the alligators.
 * Bernie the Agent: I will. Alligators!?
 * Kermit the Frog: That's right.
 * Bernie the Agent: Did you say, alligators?
 * Kermit the Frog: Read my lips "Al-li-ga-tors".
 * Bernie the Agent: It's just that I'm not used to alligators where I come from. See, I'm an agent. I winged in from Hollywood.
 * Kermit the Frog: Hollywood?
 * Bernie the Agent:: That's right.
 * Kermit the Frog: Did you say "Hollywood"?
 * Bernie the Agent: Read my lips, Hol-ly-wood. You know, [singing] Hollywood. The dream factory, the magic store. Hey, don't you ever go to the movies?
 * Kermit the Frog: Oh, sure, there's a double feature in town every Saturday.
 * Bernie the Agent: (Snaps his finger) Wait a minute, wait a minute. (Grabs the newspaper ad to Kermit to read) There's an ad in here that you should be very interested in. Feast your eyes on that.
 * Kermit the Frog: Uh, "World Wide Studios announces open auditions for frogs wishing to become rich and famous?" Well, thanks, anyway, but I'm really pretty happy where I am.
 * Bernie the Agent: Oh, oh, if I were you, I would give this audition very careful consideration. You've got talent, kid--singin', tellin' jokes, I mean, if you get your tongue fixed, who knows? You could make millions of people happy.
 * Kermit the Frog: Millions of people happy...
 * Bernie the Agent: Millions! Hey, if you ever come west to Hollywood, look me up, Bernie the Agent.
 * Kermit the Frog: Hey, listen, Bernie the agent, why don't you say hello to Arnie the alligator?
 * Bernie the Agent: What!? (rows away in a panic, yelling as the alligators pursues him)
 * Kermit the Frog:Arnie! Arnie, wait a minute. Careful, Arnie.
 * Bernie the Agent: STAY! STAY!
 * Kermit the Frog: Arnie, that's okay, leave him alone! He's from Hollywood.


 * The Beauty Pageant host: Before we announce the winner, We would like to thank the judges of today's contest! Edgar Bergen and Charlie McCarthey!
 * Charlie McCarthey: You are not gonna believe who is the winner is, folks.
 * Edgar Bergen: Come on, Charlie. It's their movie.
 * Charlie McCarthey: So, it is.
 * [They both laugh]
 * The Beauty Pageant host: And here she is! The winner of the Bogen County Beatuy Pageant is: MISS PIGGY!


 * Sgt. Floyd Pepper: When do you dudes have to be at the audition?
 * Kermit the Frog: 2:00 tomorrow afternoon!
 * Dr. Teeth: Well, then climb aboard the bus! We will have breakfast at Hollywood and vine!

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 * Kermit the Frog: A motorcycle cop is chasing us! [We see a police officer on motorcycle chasing the bus] Hey, Dr. Teeth, you better pull over.
 * Dr. Teeth: Easier done than said. [The police officer gets off his motor cycle]. Hey! Hey! Hey! It's the man with the badge. The police, the cops, the fuzz, the P.I....
 * Miss Piggy: DON'T YOU DARE!!
 * Dr. Teeth: I wouldn't think of it.
 * Kermit the Frog: Did we do something wrong, Officer?
 * [The police officer reveals to be Doc Hopper's friend, Max].
 * Crowd: Oh, look.
 * Miss Piggy: Kermit, it's him.
 * Kermit the Frog: Okay, guys. Let him explain.
 * Max: This whole disguise is so that I can warn you.
 * Fozzie: Yeah, sure.
 * Max: I never thought Doc was gonna hurt Kermit, I thought he was gonna lean on him! But now he's got this frog killer in from the coast! And the man's deadly!
 * [Everybody gasps]
 * Fozzie: Oh, no. Kermit, what are we gonna do?
 * Floyd: It's time to beat feet, green stuff.
 * Fozzie: Yeah, get out of here, Kermit.
 * Dr. Teeth: I love it. Chase music is one of our best riffs.
 * Kermit the Frog: Hold it, Dr. Teeth! What's up ahead?
 * Dr. Teeth: Uh... only an old ghost town.
 * Kermit the Frog: Fine. [to Max] Listen, you go back and tell Doc Hopper, I'll be waiting for him there.
 * Max: WHAT?!?
 * Miss Piggy: [gasps]
 * Fozzie: Kermit, you'll get killed!
 * Kermit the Frog: Listen, guys. Listen. I can't spend my whole life running away from a bully. It's time for a showdown.

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 * [Andy roars at Doc Hopper and his villains before they're gonna run away]
 * Doc Hopper and Clan: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
 * Kermit the Frog: Everybody, on to Hollywood!
 * [Muppets cheering]

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 * Lew Lord (CEO and chairman of World Wide Studios): (To the intercom) Miss Tracy, prepare the standard 'rich and famous' contract for Kermit the Frog and company.

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 * Scooter: (Holds the clapboard the wrong way) Okay, Muppet Movie, Scenery 1A, Take One! (Hurts his hand from the clapboard) Ow!
 * Beaker: Makeup's ready!
 * Dr. Bunsen Honeydew: Sound's ready.
 * Kermit the Frog: (On Megaphone) Okay, stand by, here we go!

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 * [last lines]
 * Andy: Go home! Go home! Bye-bye. [faints, then cuts to black]

Cast

 * Charles Durning as Doc Hopper
 * Austin Pendleton as Max
 * Scott Walker as Snake Walker
 * Lawrence Gabriel Jr. as a sailor
 * Ira F. Grubman as a bartender
 * H.B. Haggerty as a lumberjack
 * Bruce Kirby as a gate guard
 * Tommy Madden as One-Eyed Midget
 * James Frawley as a writer
 * Arnold Roberts as a cowboy

Cameo Guest Stars

 * Edgar Bergen as Himself and the voice of Charlie McCarthy
 * Milton Berle as Mad Man Mooney
 * Mel Brooks as Professor Max Krassman
 * James Coburn as the owner of El Sleezo Cafe
 * Dom DeLuise as Bernie the Agent
 * Elliott Gould as a Beauty Contest M.C.
 * Bob Hope as an Ice Cream vendor
 * Madeline Kahn as a patron at El Sleezo
 * Carol Kane as Myth
 * Cloris Leachman as Lord's Secretary
 * Steve Martin as an insolent waiter
 * Richard Pryor as Balloon Vender
 * Telly Savalas as El Sleezo Tough
 * Orson Welles as Lew Lord
 * Paul Williams as the pianist at El Sleezo

The Muppet Performers

 * Jim Henson as Kermit the Frog, Rowlf the Dog, Dr. Teeth, Waldorf, Swedish Chef, Link Hogthrob and Crazy Harry
 * Frank Oz as Miss Piggy, Fozzie Bear, Andy, Marvin Suggs, Beaker and Sam the Eagle
 * Jerry Nelson as Floyd Pepper, Robin the Frog, Lew Zealand and Camilla the Chicken
 * Richard Hunt as Scooter, Statler, Janice and Sweetums
 * Dave Goelz as The Great Gonzo, Zoot, Beauregard and Dr. Bunsen Honeydew
 * Caroll Spinney as Big Bird.