The New Adventures of Old Christine

The New Adventures of Old Christine (2006–2010) is an American sitcom, airing on CBS, about a divorced mom who tries to keep pace with everyone around her, while remaining friendly with her ex-husband who is dating a woman with the same name. On May 18, 2010, CBS cancelled the series after 5 seasons.

Pilot [1.01]

 * Ritchie: Why is everyone's car so much bigger than ours?
 * Christine: Because they don't believe in themselves.
 * Richie: Do we believe in ourselves?
 * Christine: [shrugs] Look at our car.


 * Richard: How's my little third-grader?
 * Richie: I look ridiculous in these clothes.
 * Richard: Yeah... you kinda do.
 * Christine: Richard, don't make this harder for me.
 * Richard: I'm sorry. [to Richie] Cool pants, is that Rayon?

Supertramp [1.02]

 * Christine: [about her dry spell] Sex used to be my thing. God, in-fact senior year in high school I was a bit of a slut. That is what I was known for.


 * Richard: Mind if I use your bathroom?
 * Christine: Oh.
 * Richard: I got to make a pit stop, not a full pit stop just an oil change. I'm going to pee.

Open Water [1.03]

 * Burton: You okay there?
 * Christine: Yeah, it's my new date-night underwear. It just got to fifth base.


 * Christine: Ritchie, we have talked about this. You're eight years old. We live in Los Angeles. You have to learn how to swim.
 * Ritchie: Why?
 * Christine: Because, honey, you can't keep going to pool parties telling people you're having your period.

One Toe Over the Line, Sweet Jesus [1.04]

 * Ritchie: What's intercourse?
 * Matthew: Something to do with golf. You should ask your mom.
 * Ritchie: Does mom golf?
 * Matthew: She's been known to hit the links.

I'll Show You Mine [1.05]

 * Christine: Oh, come on, it hasn't been that bad, has it? I mean, didn't doing it in your car last week make you feel like a teenager?
 * Burton: Yeah, until I got home and I had to ice... everything.
 * Christine: No kidding, I got a bruise from knee to nipple.


 * Richard: It shouldn't be this difficult. I mean I said 'I love you' on our first date, and you said it back to me.
 * Christine: We had just seen Ghost. I would have told the movie-usher I loved him.
 * Richard: It's good to know our marriage was based on such a rock solid foundation.
 * Christine: It worked out pretty good... except for the divorce.

The Other F Word [1.06]

 * Matthew: What's going on?
 * Christine: Nate just said the "F" word.
 * Matthew: So? You say that word all the time; you said it three times in the car on the way over here.
 * Christine: No, the other "F" word—the gay one.


 * Frank: What are the families like?
 * Christine: Great families—very involved.
 * Frank: But would you describe them as having good values?
 * Christine: "Good values?" Oh, definitely, great values, I mean just like us.
 * Frank: Good, cause our last school had way too many fags.

Teach Your Children Well [1.08]

 * Liz: Do you like being a nanny?
 * Matthew: I do, although I prefer the word manny.


 * Christine: It's not a lesson party, it's a party... with a lesson.

No Fault Divorce [1.10]

 * Christine: Are you saying that the divorce was my fault?
 * Hillary: It wouldn't be ethical of me to tell you that.
 * Christine: Was it anyone's fault?
 * Hillary: Yes.
 * Christine: Was it Richard's fault?
 * Hillary: No.

Exile on Lame Street [1.11]

 * [Christine is trying desperately to get into a sold out Rolling Stones concert]
 * Christine: Sir, uh, I'm sorry, let me just explain to you my situation. Okay, my nine-year-old is in there with his father and his new girlfriend, and there's a very strong possibility that he's gonna let him go to the bathroom on his own.
 * Ticket Window Clerk: I'm so sorry. I didn't, I didn't know. We keep two emergency tickets available for situations like this. Is the fourth row okay?
 * Christine: That would be great.
 * Ticket Window Clerk: OK, uh let me just get those for you. [looking questioningly around the booth] Where do we keep them? Duh, they're right here! [he reaches up and slams the window blind shut in her face]
 * Christine: He's not getting the tickets?
 * Matthew: Uh, no, sweetie, he's not.

Some of My Best Friends Are Portuguese [1.12]

 * Christine: Do you ever let your armpit hair grow, just to see how long it can get?
 * Belinda: Ew, no. Do you?
 * Christine: Nooo...


 * Christine: Well, I'm leaving. I want to thank you for a particularly humiliating afternoon.
 * Belinda: Are you mad at me?
 * Christine: Mad at you? Oh no, that was great. I don't know which part was my favorite: serving drinks to the "Meanie Moms" or watching Marly's husband massage your gums with his tongue.
 * Belinda: I know. I'm sorry. I should have locked the door.
 * Christine: Yeah, that's pretty much the only thing that was wrong with it. You know, I'm not Marly's biggest fan but she really doesn't deserve this.
 * Belinda: I know. It's wrong, but I hope that you and I can still be friends.
 * Christine: Yeah, I don't think so.
 * Belinda: Why, because I'm Portuguese? Because I'm a maid?
 * Christine: Ah, no, it's because, well, you're kind of a whore.

A Fair to Remember [1.13]

 * Richard: What am I doing?!
 * Matthew: Apparently my sister.




 * Christine: I was vulnerable, I was having a hard day! You took advantage of me!
 * Richard: You put your hands down my pants!




 * Burton: Christine, I'm sorry. I know you were probably kind of surprised to see that I was seeing someone so soon after we broke up. But I really didn't think it would bother you, especially since you're the one who broke up with me.
 * Christine: Oh, no, it didn't bother me. I've seen people too, lots. I'm the town factory for God's sake. You can't close me down.




 * Christine: Stripper boots! Those weren't stripper boots! I'll have you know those were hooker boots!

Get Smarter [5.21]

 * [Last scene in the series]

Cast

 * Julia Louis-Dreyfus - Christine Campbell (aka Old Christine)
 * Wanda Sykes - Barbara 'Barb' Daran
 * Clark Gregg - Richard Campbell
 * Hamish Linklater - Matthew Kimble
 * Trevor Gagnon - Ritchie Campbell
 * Emily Rutherfurd - New Christine
 * Tricia O'Kelley - Marly Ehrhardt
 * Alex Kapp Horner - Lindsay