The Nostalgia Critic/Season 10

Quotes from the 10th season of The Nostalgia Critic, which aired in 2017.

Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Squeakquel

 * Nostalgia Critic: [reluctantly] Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic, I remember it so you don't have to. And welcome back to "Sequel Month: The Sequel". Or in this case [grins broadly] "Squeakquel Month"? [beat] No! That is not the case! I will not give in to your rodent-based puns, you unfunny bucket of toilet leavings!


 * Dave: It's not all about you!
 * Nostalgia Critic: [scoffs] Yeah, where would Alvin ever get that idea in a band called "Alvin and the Chipmunks"?! You know, for the longest time, I didn't they know were called Simon and Theodore! I thought they were "And-The" and "Chipmunks"! But please, continue to keep him modest!

Top 11 Worst Movie Sequels

 * Nostalgia Critic: Number 8. X-Men Origins: Wolverine. Is there even a point to having X-Men Origins at the beginning? I mean, they never made another one. Why? Because this movie sucked that hard! There's tons of X-Men, but they never gave them another X-Men Origins movie, because...yeah, this killed it! On the first try! Now, granted, I know a lot of you were probably expecting X-Men 3 to be in here, but... [a shot of the following character is shown...] Deadpool. No, no, I don't need to say any more. There is more, but I don't need to say it! Deadpool! But, even though I can stop there, let's continue. What should've been the easiest movie to make awesome, a standalone Wolverine movie, with Gambit, the Blob, an actual cool-looking Sabertooth, and a story promising betrayal, blood and vengeance, turned into a goddamn X-suckfest. Not only does little to none of the continuity match up with the other X-Men films, but everything is either boring, cliched, doesn't make sense, or going out of its way to piss fans off! Fan favorite Gambit is barely in the movie, the Blob isn't a mutant, he just ate a lot – that was a necessary change, good job! And, of course, one of the most popular and unique Marvel characters of all time... [Cut to a shot of Deadpool] ...Deadpool, has pretty much no connection to his character whatsoever. The actor Ryan Reynolds was such a Deadpool fan that he spent years and years to get a faithful version of the character brought to the big screen. And guess what? It seems what made people like him now still makes people like him now! Yeah, you didn't need to do the exact goddamn opposite of what the character was! [Scoffs] I can't believe that didn't work! Deadpool's own film was ruthless at mocking this movie's version of him, and rightfully so. At least with X-Men 3, there was some good action, good visuals, Kelsey Grammer as Beast, interesting commentary on what should be cured and what shouldn't. This...just had nothing. Even the action ranges from standard to just cartoony. Walking away from an explosion? Haven't seen that. [An explosion in question hurls Wolverine at a helicopter] Oh, gimme a goddamn break! It's one of those films that should have been handed-on-a-silver-platter of awesome. Instead, we got a doggy bag of puke. Bottom line: there's no mutant healing from this one.

The Smurfs 2

 * Nostalgia Critic: After the, and I can't believe I'm saying this, smash-hit Smurfs movie, it only figured to do a sequel with the exact same people. The downside is, it's lame, contrived, not funny, bad for kids, bad for adults, bad for anyone– Actually, let's make this easier. The upside is, it made a lot of money. And, of course, that's what matters most, so they threw more money at the sequel to make more money back. The result, once again, is the not-pleasant bouquet of nausea under the guise of family entertainment.


 * Nostalgia Critic: Seeing how the last time I did a crossover was with the Black Nerd, it only figures to extend him the same offer again. Hey, Black Nerd, how are you–
 * Black Nerd: [talking on a phone, not speaking in his nerd voice] What up, homie? Hey, put me down for 200 on the Patriots losing, a'ight? Ain't no way their ass can cheat to victory this year. You know what I'm saying? [Critic is puzzled] When are you gonna come back here with my bong, all right? I gots to get high. Man, [nerd voice] Black Nerd has to review a new Power Rangers movie trailer, [normal voice] and I can't do that unless I get blazed as fuck. Hey, man, I'm gonna have to call you back. There's a White Walker present. [hangs up] Well, well, well, if it isn't the Nostalgia Bitch.
 * Nostalgia Critic: ...Umm... Hi, Black Nerd, I was... reviewing Smurfs 2 and was wondering if–
 * Black Nerd: Oh, I get it. You thought I was gonna leave beautiful sunny California to fly to yo' neck of the woods, in the dead o' winter, to talk about a damn Neil Patrick Harris Smurfs sequel wit' yo' punk ass?
 * Nostalgia Critic: Well, I don't know about my ass's punk qualities, but–
 * Black Nerd: Here's what's wrong wit' you, man. You think this all there is to me, think I'm all just Smurfs and Ninja Turtles and Power Rangers and... Tiny Toon Adventures an' shit?
 * Nostalgia Critic: [ashamed] I-I don't know...
 * Black Nerd: I'm a grown-ass man, what about you? You sit around all day watching '80s and '90s kids TV shows and movies?
 * Nostalgia Critic: [mumbling] I don't know...
 * Black Nerd: That's real sad. I feel bad for you, Critic. I'm-a pray for you. Maybe the next time you do a charity shout-out, you should be shouting out to getting you a life. I ain't got time for this. I got an underground gambling ring to take care of. Not to mention all those hot Nintendo Switches that I'm-a sell on eBay... that fell off a truck... You ain't hear that from me. Alright, man. Peace, loser! [he gets up to leave]
 * Nostalgia Critic: Yeah, that's right, you better run!
 * Black Nerd: [abruptly returning] What'chu say, punk?!
 * Nostalgia Critic: [recoiling] Nothing, nothing!
 * Black Nerd: Mm-hmm. Watch yourself. Oh, and by the way, [reverts to nerd mode] call me when you do a Smurfs: The Lost Village review. I'll be right there for you, Critic. I love you like a play cousin, I'm outie 5000! Chain Chomp Yomp! [normal again] Ya punk-ass motherfucker! [leaves for good]
 * Nostalgia Critic: Well, I'll show him who's got a life! I'm reviewing Smurfs 2!
 * [He nods defiantly, then frowns as the realization sets in]

Garfield: A Tail of Two Kitties

 * Nostalgia Critic: So the animals try to foil whatever Connolly's evil plans are.
 * [Dargis is shown aiming a gun at a duck and a rabbit, and audio from Rabbit Fire plays]
 * Bugs Bunny: Duck season!
 * Daffy Duck: Rabbit season!


 * [Rommel continues biting on Dargis's crotch while ripping something out of his pants. Dargis is still screaming]
 * Nostalgia Critic: JESUS! It's supposed to be a crotch shot, not castration! This is like a Game of Thrones death! CHRIST!

Cool World

 * Nostalgia Critic: Just as Frank is wondering why he is in a different movie – presumably called "Who Plagiarized Roger Rabbit" – we cut to a mere 47 years later, where a prisoner named Jack, played by Gabriel Byrne, is getting dragged into his cartoons.


 * Nostalgia Critic: Thus, he's given his introduction not only to Cool World, but to Holli Would, played by Kim Basinger.
 * [Jack stares as Holli does a very sexy dance]
 * Nostalgia Critic: [as Jack] My God, I've created anime!

Balto

 * Little Girl: Wow! So this is where all the Nostalgia Critic episodes were filmed years ago! [Looks around]
 * Aunt Despair: You got it, bucko. They kept everything the same to preserve its history. Look at all the reviews that they did.
 * [The little girl sees posters for some on the Nostalgia Critic's previous reviews: Pixels, Mad Max: Fury Road and Batman v Superman]
 * Aunt Despair: [Pointing to Batman v Superman poster] There's Shrek... [Points to Mad Max Poster] There's Schindler's List saves Christmas... [Points to Pixels poster] ...And that one. [Points offscreen] But this... this is what I really wanted to show you.
 * [The girl looks down to see a DVD for Balto]
 * Little Girl: Is that the DVD for the Balto review, Aunt Despair?
 * Aunt Despair: Yep. And I was there when it was shot.
 * Little Girl: GASP! You mean it's a true story!?
 * Aunt Despair: [Holding up a small flat bottle] Based... Based on a true story.
 * Little Girl: Wow! Would you mind telling me the tale, Aunt Despair?
 * Aunt Despair: [Unscrewing the bottle] After I have a sip of my storytelling sauce. [Takes a drink]
 * Little Girl: Oh, the same sauce that makes you good at slow-mo leapfrog with me.
 * Aunt Despair: Our story begins on the Nostalgia Critic, sitting down at the desk he normally does...
 * [We then cross-dissolve to the Nostalgia Critic sitting in his usual spot]
 * Nostalgia Critic: Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to. Let's talk about a little film called Balto.


 * Nostalgia Critic: They're watching a sled race led by a dog named Steele, who is so mean that literally every frame is determined to convince you he's pure evil!
 * Steele: [To Balto] Get out of here, wolf-dog. You'd better get back to your [Spits] pack. [To Jenna] Well, maybe your taste runs more toward...wolf. [Carrying sausages in his mouth] Jenna, join me for dinner.
 * Nostalgia Critic: I've never seen a bad guy where, every second, he's moving in some sort of obviously diabolical manner.
 * Steele: [To Balto] You were the fastest... what? [After Jenna says no to him] Ohh. [Inhales]
 * Nostalgia Critic: Most villains have some normal everyday movements, but 24/7, this guy is like... [Speaking in an over-the-top villain fashion while jiggling his hands] Would you like some ice cream? You can trust me! I'm oozing with pleasantness! [Normal] Every angle is evil... [A small clip of Steele howling to the sky is shown] except for maybe this one that...that looks like a girl's T-shirt from an AnimeCon... [A picture of a girl with howling Steele photoshopped onto her T-shirt is shown] But look at this! Even when he's turning around, he looks evil!
 * Steele: [Walking towards the camera] I'm sorry. Balto. Balto the half-breed. [The other dogs ooh and laugh at this]
 * Nostalgia Critic: [Speaking in the same villain fashion, with his chair turned right] Oh, you want me to turn around? Okay! [Turns around very close to the camera, laughing madly] Oh! You want me to do it again!?


 * Nostalgia Critic: It looks like the sled is missing in the storms. Well, okay. I'm sure a slight delay won't be a major issue... [child sized coffins are built] Oh, GOD! Shit's gettin' real, man! I'm just assuming the other coffins are for Tiny Tim, Little Matchgirl and Fullmetal Alchemist spoiler [Nina Tucker]! Don't act like that can't happen! There's dogs in this world.

Fant4stic

 * Nostalgia Critic: Hey, guys, remember when we were a superhero team?
 * Malcolm: Surprisingly, no.
 * Tamara: Yeah, you'd think we'd remember something like that.
 * Nostalgia Critic: You mean you have no recollection when a meteor smashed into Earth... [Clips are shown as he narrates] ...gave us incredible powers, forming the trio of the Adequately Impressive Three and then we just sat around watching Daredevil on Netflix?
 * Malcolm: Oh, yeah!
 * Tamara: The clips helped us remember.
 * Nostalgia Critic: Why didn't we do anything after that?
 * 'Malcolm: Well, we did have that unpleasant encounter with the Silver Surfer.
 * [Clip shows Malcolm and Tamara playing Silver Surfer for the NES]
 * Tamara: Yeah, but that was so bad, that everyone forgot it.
 * Nostalgia Critic: As they should. But maybe we'd forgotten what it means to be superheroes.
 * Tamara: What do you mean?
 * Nostalgia Critic: What if we did it again? What if we brought back the Adequately Impressive Three, only this time, we did it right?
 * Malcolm: How?
 * [Clips are shown of NC, Malcolm, and Tamara wearing black as dark, epic music plays in the background]
 * Nostalgia Critic: We'll be darker, grittier, and more realistic. Which, as we all know, immediately equals better. No more Pixelator, Clobbererer, or Sparky Sparky Boom Man. Together, we shall be Malcolm, Tamara, and Nostalgia Critic!
 * Tamara: Wait, what happened to our superhero names?
 * Nostalgia Critic: We're too edgy for that. We don't need them anymore. And together, we shall become...
 * [The screen then cuts to black as the title "AD3QUAT3LY IMPR3SSIV3 THR33" fades in along with a large "3," and epic music, clearly parodying the "Fant4stic" title]
 * Malcolm: Oh, I see, let the title display our name so we wouldn't have to say it out loud.
 * Nostalgia Critic: Exactly!
 * Tamara: That's really embracing our brand with pride.
 * Nostalgia Critic: And enough of this bright, colorful background...
 * [The vector background vanishes into a mere dark room as the Nostalgia Critic crosses his arms and nods his head]
 * Tamara: Hey, we're in a dark room.
 * Nostalgia Critic: Our lives are a dark room. One...big...dark room.
 * Malcolm: My God, Critic, this is so different. What are we gonna do with the new us?
 * Nostalgia Critic: This time, we're gonna get it right...we're gonna sit around and watch Jessica Jones on Netflix!
 * [Cut to the trio watching Netflix]
 * Kilgrave (Doug): Is this a metaphor for something?

Clockstoppers

 * Nostalgia Critic: We get a glimpse of our main character named Zak. He likes buying things from an antique store and selling them on eBay for double the price, presumably so he can get this car he has his eye on. I'll give them points for showing all that visually, without any dialogue. But deduct a point, because it almost never comes into the goddamn story. Yeah, in the tapestry of the plot, this thread is literally the size of a thread!
 * [Dr. Gibbs, Zak's father, is telling Zak and the other students a task, holding two car models]
 * Nostalgia Critic: But his father who's a teacher is holding a car. That connects, right? At a point?
 * Dr. Gibbs: And along comes Eddie, in his Ferrari.
 * [The students laugh]
 * Eddie: Hey, come on, that could happen. Totally. [Tries to give a female student who's sitting next to him a high-five, but gets nothing]
 * Nostalgia Critic: Okay, I already wish the movie was about him. But nope. It's about Zak and his father who is so involved with his science that he doesn't have time for his son. Yeah, that thing.
 * Dr. Gibbs: You remember Earl Dopler, don't you? He's one of the best students that ever passed...
 * Zak: That freak? Who used to come over and eat a lot of potato salad?
 * Dr. Gibbs: [Laughs] He isn't a freak, he's...a little eccentric.
 * Nostalgia Critic: [Smiling] You know, Egon, this reminds me of the time you tried to drill a hole in your head.


 * [Zak activates his powers as white doves fly in slow motion]
 * Nostalgia Critic: Oh, no! We got put in a John Woo movie!

The WEIRDEST Jack and the Beanstalk

 * Nostalgia Critic: So Jack laughs... [Jack laughs] And then the man laughs... [The man laughs] And then he laughs again... [The man laughs again] And then he– [The man laughs again psychotically] Thus Chris Hansen's number was put on speed dial! He, of course, sells him the magic beans after doing a squat dance...
 * [While the man does this squat dance while laughing creepily, the cow moos in confusion]
 * Nostalgia Critic: You said it, cow...


 * Nostalgia Critic: She explains what happened to her in great detail, but there's one problem: it's told entirely in squeaks.
 * [The mouse communicates her plight with motions and squeaks]
 * Nostalgia Critic: I haven't been this happy to not have subtitles since the Star Wars Holiday Special.


 * Nostalgia Critic: We know Jack's gotta be like nine or ten or something like that, but they never say how old Margaret is. I guess old enough to marry, but even that varies in terms of time period and location. So, while you might be feeling awkward about not really knowing if you should feel awkward about this, don't worry, it will quickly disappear after the STRANGEST SCENE IN THE ENTIRE MOVIE. [Beat] Just watch!
 * [Margaret and Tulip the giant's wedding is taking place; the church is bathed in an eerie green light; creepy, ominous church music plays; all the church patrons are paper cutouts, as is the priest]
 * Priest: [Singing] #Two of you stand here in front of me tonight. Are you hapPYY? It's your wish to be married now, am I right? Are you hapPYYY? Will you help each other OUT? [Floats upwards creepily] You must tell me if you have ANY doubt. Well, then, can YOU?#
 * [The camera alternates between Madame Hecuba and NC watching, the former in sinister anticipation and the latter in sheer horror, as the priest's singing becomes increasingly distorted]
 * Hecuba: [Thinking] Yes, they will be very happy! [Margaret stares] Say that you love him. Say that you love him!
 * [The Nostalgia Critic slaps himself repeatedly]
 * Priest: #In love, are you?#
 * Nostalgia Critic: [Nonplussed] More Sugar-Frosted Nightmares, please! [A bowl of cereal appears in front of him] What the enchanted crack pipe are we watching here?! Why all the paper people? Why all the trippy animation? Why that priest that sounds like he's getting his testicles clipped to a car battery every other word?!?
 * Priest: Are you hapPYYY? ...can YOU? ...OUT? ...he IS?
 * Nostalgia Critic: NONE OF THIS is explained! It's all just pure madness! To a point where when Jack comes in and finally kisses her, you've totally forgotten about the age thing! It's not even a spark in your mind; all you're thinking is "Are you hapPYYY?! Are you hapPYYY?!" NO! I'm very confused and rather afraid! What is this?!


 * Nostalgia Critic: He's right in front of her, he says goodbye, he puts his foot down, black smoke comes out, presumably destroying her evil, I guess, turning everyone else back to normal, and, in the ultimate twist, SHE WAS A ROBOT THE WHOLE TIME!
 * [Tulip lifts up his foot, revealing Madame Hecuba is a now-demolished robot, just like the toy Hecuba he had destroyed earlier]
 * Nostalgia Critic: If you're confused by this, kids, I'm sorry, no adult can ever help you. None of these ravings make any sense! You might as well put on a David Lynch film to get a dose of reality.

The Flintstones in Viva Rock Vegas

 * Fred: What are you?
 * Nostalgia Critic: [as Gazoo] I am your death.
 * Gazoo: I come from a planet too far for you to fathom, and a civilization too advanced for you to comprehend.
 * Nostalgia Critic: [as Gazoo] Yet our effects are still pretty shitty. What, am I Photoshopped here? Pretty lame.
 * Barney: We let you out of the fancy bottle, now we get wishes, right?
 * Fred: Yeah, Barney's right. Let's get this started. What do we have to rub?
 * Nostalgia Critic: Now I have no choice. ["We'll have a gay old time!" from the show's opening plays]
 * Gazoo: I am of a highly-evolved alien species.
 * Nostalgia Critic: [as Fred] You look more like a creation of a TV show ratings slump.

Norm of the North

 * [Tamara and Malcolm are both standing outside the Nostalgia Critic's studio which has a light emanating from it]
 * Tamara: You know those tedious nine-to-five office jobs everyone finds so boring?
 * Malcolm: [Nodding] Yeah.
 * Tamara: I envy those.
 * Malcolm: [Still nodding] Yeah.
 * [They both enter to see that the source of light is a bald man wearing kasaya]
 * Malcolm: What the hell is that?
 * [The person turns around to reveal that he is the Nostalgia Critic, much to the surprise of both Tamara and Malcolm]
 * Tamara: When did Cinema Snob become Buddhist?
 * Nostalgia Critic: Greetings, humble mortals. Welcome to inner peace.
 * Malcolm: Critic, what the hell is going on?
 * Tamara: Yeah, what's with the getup, and why the shaved head?
 * Malcolm: Shaved head? You mean he had hair before?
 * Nostalgia Critic: Normally, a line like that would force me to thrash you, but I have achieved enlightenment.
 * Tamara: [Not surprised] Really? And how did you do that?
 * Nostalgia Critic: I have seen the ultimate bad movie. After 10 years of seeing crap, I have finally come across a film so terrible it has lifted me to a higher plane. I can bring about peace when there is none and even predict Transformers movies without having to see them.
 * Tamara: [Still not amused] Okay, Critic. We'll bite. Which movie gave you this enlightenment?
 * Nostalgia Critic: Rob Schneider...
 * Tamara: Sounds right.
 * Nostalgia Critic: And the studio that brought you all the Barbie movies...
 * Malcolm: Sounds doubly right.
 * Nostalgia Critic: Norm of the North.
 * Tamara and Malcolm: Yep.


 * Nostalgia Critic: Yes! That's exactly right! You had one scene, and now, you're immediately besties! I think this whole entire film was some idiot looking through the garbage, finding the shredded first drafts of successful films, taping them back together, typing it up on a computer, setting the computer on fire, inhaling the fumes, death, and this was the mocking eulogy some asshole gave at his funeral! And that...is the BEST case scenario!

Cats Don't Dance

 * Nostalgia Critic: I'm not usually for animal cruelty, but if Tom and Sawyer could get together for a slapstick routine, I already have the perfect name...
 * Archer: Tom Sawyer?
 * Nostalgia Critic: That's actually better!


 * Nostalgia Critic: Danny and Max have a big fight on top of a Darla balloon, one of the strangest settings for a climax since David Hasselhoff [The SpongeBob SquarePants Movie is shown] and Danny eventually sends him flying.

Hulk

 * Narrator: Nostalgia Critic: critic of nostalgia. Searching for a movie to tap into the inner frustrations every movie nerd has. Then, a viewing of a fascinatingly misdirected movie alters his chemistry. And now, whenever he hears any mention of the movie Hulk, a startling metamorphosis occurs.
 * [Tamara is shown holding the Blu-ray of the movie and discussing it with Malcolm. When NC comes up, he dramatically knocks it out of Tamara's hand, and it falls on the floor]
 * Nostalgia Critic: [Calmly] Malcolm. Tamara. Do not show me that movie. You wouldn't like me when you show me that movie. [He explodes, but nothing happens to him] I exploded.
 * [Tamara and Malcolm just shrug. Cut to NC crying to the sky in the rain in over-the-top manner, with the title "The Incredible Sulk" appearing below. We then are shown NC watching silently at the Blu-ray case of Hulk, with the Blu-ray itself having been smashed into pieces]
 * Narrator: The Critic is wanted for property damage he didn't commit. Well, okay, he did, but it was just of a movie. And that movie sucked. The Critic's patience is believed to be dead. And he must let the world believe that it is dead, until he can find a way to control the whiny bitch fits that dwells within him.


 * Nostalgia Critic: They try their experiment on a frog and discover the results are a little too explosive.
 * [The frog they experiment on is shown on monitors. It swells up and pops. Bruce, Betty and Harper say nothing]
 * Nostalgia Critic: [Solemnly] Somebody call Miss Piggy. There's been an... accident.


 * Nostalgia Critic: THE HULK! People calmly discussing things, staring at each other in silence, but... look! Green walls! [A bunch of arrows pop up, pointing at the walls] It's... kind of like the Hulk is there! Symbolically! Oh, you just don't get it, you just don't understand the layers of subtlety and conversation that need to be had with... [Raises his fists] THE HULK!


 * Nostalgia Critic: THE HULK! Talking about dreams! Reoccurring dreams! With your boyfriend being your father and trying to strangle you- [Stutters] What?!?
 * [Bruce appears in place of Betty's father and we are shown the point of two-year-old Betty's view, as Bruce brings his hand to strangle her. Fade to Bruce and Betty (from Bruce's flashback) lying on the bed together]
 * Bruce: That's terrible! You know I'd never hurt you.
 * [The Critic just stares in confusion and shock at what just happened]
 * Nostalgia Critic: Okay, um... Anyone that's new to the dating scene; I don't know what Ang Lee is trying to tell you, but if your date says they have a reoccurring dream about you as their father trying to kill them as a small child, out. Just.. get out. Don't even make up an excuse! Just flee! The only person you should flee faster from is Nick Nolte- of course he's in this movie!
 * David: You may not want to believe it, but I can see it.
 * Nostalgia Critic: Nolte plays Banner's real dad. I'm not sure if he went crazy and then did the film or if he did the film and then went crazy, but there's regret to be had all around. I guess he's supposed to be intimidating, but it doesn't really help when you're stalking a guy with 3 cuddly dogs by your side. No, seriously, this was supposed to be a threatening image! I'm sorry, the dogs god damn ruin it! Banner is so intimidated by this that he actually closes the blinds! Why!? Even the most paranoid person wouldn't muster a sweat from this!
 * [Cut to a skit of Tamara nervously peeking through the blinds, then bursting out laughing when she sees David with his 3 dogs]
 * Tamara: [Laughing] What is that? What is that!? Hey, buddy! Best in Show is down the street! [Laughs some more] What, are you gonna break down the baton and have them bark "Ode to Joy"? [Peeks out once more to see David and his dogs gone] Oh, thank God they're gone. I thought I was gonna die of laughter. Whoo! They really need to be in a Hulk movie. [Walks away from the window]


 * Nostalgia Critic: THE HULK! The teaser that literally looked like this...
 * [ In the original teaser, we are shown Bruce visibly shaking, see his eye turning green, and then cut to the outside of the house Bruce is in, its wall collapsing in pieces. The title "Hulk" appears in a green background. With a bright flash of lightning, even!]
 * Nostalgia Critic: ...was literally representing this!
 * [Betty and Ross are shown just looking at each other in total silence for about 6 seconds]
 * Nostalgia Critic: [Gets closer to the camera] THE HULK!

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 * [A commercial where 2 kids named Cliff (Malcolm) and Melody (Tamara) are having fun with their toys is shown]
 * Announcer: Hey, kids! You want something smashing?
 * Cliff + Melody: Yeah!
 * [A hand pops up and gives them the Hulk action figure. They start playing with it]
 * Announcer: Well, crash your way to excitement with the Hulk! Now that you have everyone's favorite crushing machine, what are you gonna do with him?
 * Cliff: I'm gonna think about the repressed memories that might be hiding in my psyche.
 * [Sad piano music plays]
 * Announcer: Um... Okay. [Rock music resumes as the hand gives the Hulk figure to Melody] Hey, little girl! What are you going to do with him?
 * Melody: I'm gonna use him as justification to finally confront my domineering father.
 * [Sad music starts again]
 * Cliff: Melody, that's so brave of you.
 * Melody: Thank you, Cliff.
 * [They sit on the floor sorrowfully]
 * Announcer: Well, uh... [The Hulk figure is shown at several different angles] Doesn't anyone want to use him for smashing and stopping the forces of evil?
 * [Cut to Cliff sitting at the computer solemnly and holding the Hulk, and crying Melody coming in to console him. They are wearing jackets]
 * Melody: Shh! Can't you see he's distraught?
 * Cliff: I can't believe we're losing the grant money.
 * Melody: It's okay, Cliff. We'll think of something.
 * Cliff: Will we? Or will we be lost to the visual representation of our own subconscious?
 * Melody: Oh, Cliff!
 * Cliff: Melody!
 * [They both hug each other, crying. After some seconds, a sudden close-up of the Hulk figure is shown with heavy metal resuming playing]
 * Announcer: The Hulk! It's...as much fun as it looks?
 * [Cliff throws the Hulk into a trash can]
 * Cliff: We're done with childish things.
 * Melody: Oh... [Turns away from the can]
 * [The caption "An Ang Lee Commercial is shown before we fade out]

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 * Bruce: Talbot.
 * Talbot: Yeah?
 * Bruce: You're making me angry.
 * Nostalgia Critic: How dare you make me feel an emotion in this film!
 * [Bruce transforms into the Hulk]
 * Nostalgia Critic: [As Talbot] Mr. Giant, I swear I ate all my vegetables... [Gets thrown out the window] AAH!

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 * [David's mutated dogs appear]
 * Nostalgia Critic: [In a deep booming voice] ZUUL, MOTHERFU- [Stops short at the sight of the mutant dogs] Oh, my God, are you serious!? Th-that's not the final thing, is it!? I- Oh, sorry. [Clears throat] ZUUL, MOTHER FU- [Breaks down laughing] What is this!? Guys! Guys, come on! No!

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 * Nostalgia Critic: He, of course, turns into the human Battletoad and he tries busting his way out. But they have foam to stop him. Because... if it makes bathtime fun, surely it can make the Hulk fun.
 * [Talbot, holding the syringe to gain a sample of the Hulk's DNA, goes to him. In the middle of him walking, the footage is sped-up (yeah, in the movie), and a Woody Woodpecker laugh is added. As Talbot brings the syringe closer to the Hulk, who is cartoonishly angrily cringing at him]
 * Nostalgia Critic: [Snickers] Okay...I think this scene only exists just to make a caption contest. Like... [The captions of what NC is saying appear below the screenshot of Hulk cringing at Talbot] ..."Name this movie and give only wrong answers." Or "Explain how this is somehow the way we first met." Or "This is what we spent $137 million on, guys. We cray-cray!"
 * [The Hulk is getting out of the foam, but Talbot is ready to shoot. Unfortunately for him, the bullet ricochets when it hits the Hulk and explodes. The flame erupts, and the screaming Talbot suddenly freezes. NC is bewildered by this. The flame covers Talbot, killing him]
 * Nostalgia Critic: Wow, even by this movie's standards, that was a new level of "What?!"
 * [The Intro to the 1977 version of "Charlie's Angels" is shown]
 * Nostalgia Critic: [Imitating the announcer] Coming summer 1977: a spin-off of Charlie's Angels entitled... "Guy Flying Over Fireball Looking Like a Twat"!
 * [Various clips from the intro are shown, with Talbot's screaming face Photoshopped over the training Angels' faces]

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 * Nostalgia Critic: [As helicopter pilot] Come back, or we won't give you a pointless romance with Black Widow! Okay, fine! You get a subtext romance with Thor!

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 * Nostalgia Critic: But, hey, let's have this two hours of suck go out on a high note! As Nolte gives his best impression of Yosemite Sam swallowing a duck.
 * David: ...Infected humanity's soul! / Of the kind that walked the Earth... / ...Disappear!... / To ME! / Men out there in their uniforms!...
 * Nostalgia Critic: [as David] I, Hulk, your, milkshake!
 * David: Think of all the harm they've done!
 * [Cut to David calmly sitting down...before he spontaneously stomps and flails his arms, making the sound of a Tasmanian Devil]
 * Nostalgia Critic: [laughs] Wow! I don't think he could chew more scenery than if he literally picked up the set and started biting into it- [David takes an electrical cable and bites it] Whoa, whoa! I was just kidding!

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 * Nostalgia Critic: THE HULK! This movie's terrible!

Tom and Jerry: Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory

 * [Tyke is shown walking on a leash as a normal dog]
 * Nostalgia Critic: W- Wait a minute. That dog was on a leash. [The clips of Spike and Droopy are shown] If they can hold down jobs, own homes, and commit crimes, why do they still need to be on a leash?! Your world-building is as stable as a Jenga made out of wet toilet paper!
 * [The clip of Tom and Jerry bumping heads against the wall is shown]

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 * Tuffy: Are the fires of Hell a-glowing?
 * Nostalgia Critic: Oh, my God! He said it! He said the word "Hell"! It's officially in a Tom and Jerry cartoon!

G.I. Joe: The Movie

 * Nostalgia Critic: I love that one guy echoing "Cobra" in the background, like if he got lost from the group and he's trying to call for them.

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 * Nostalgia Critic: Actually, fun fact: Duke was supposed to die, but after the backlash of Optimus Prime getting killed in The Transformers Movie, they backed out and threw in the...totally nonsensical line about him going into a coma! Notice how you didn't see anyone's lips move when that was said?
 * Scarlett: He's gone into a coma.
 * Nostalgia Critic: It makes no sense. But...Duke is still alive! Sucking out, like...90% of the emotion we're supposed to be feeling here!

The Sorcerer's Apprentice

 * Dave: I'm sorry. Is... Becky? Becky Barnes?
 * Nostalgia Critic: Bucky Barnes?!
 * Tony: Hang on, I've always wanted to do this. "Longing, rusted, seventeen, day-" [Nostalgia Critic knocks the paper away] Hey!

Eragon

 * Galbatorix: I am the evil king Galbatorix.
 * [Nostalgia Critic and company snicker at his name]
 * Galbatorix: With my minion Durza, I will rule all of Alagaesia.
 * Nostalgia Critic: See? How serious is this supposed to be? Listen to those names.

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 * Roran: And work on that aim. You may make a hunter yet.
 * Nostalgia Critic: [as Eragon] Which one is going again? [as Roran] We look so much alike, I sometimes forget who we are.

Kangaroo Jack

 * [Charlie and Louis talk inside the bathroom stall as their conversation is overheard by two women]
 * Charlie: Something doesn't smell right here. Look at it!
 * Louis: I've never seen so such green in one little brown package!
 * Charlie: Oh! It slipped out!
 * Nostalgia Critic: We're here a while, folks!
 * Charlie: Help me scoop it up.
 * Louis: Oh, this is one big load!
 * Charlie: What a mess!
 * Louis: I wanna roll around in it!
 * Charlie: Hand me the rest of the pile.
 * Nostalgia Critic: What was the writing process for this like? You think they were proud when they came up with this nugget of genius?
 * Louis: Can I hold it?
 * Charlie: No! Dump it in the envelope. I'm gonna put it in my pocket.

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 * Nostalgia Critic: And no joke: Immediately after groping her, we cut to the kangaroo rapping.

A Goofy Movie

 * [Max dreams about a sexy Roxanne]
 * Nostalgia Critic: Eh, to be fair, this fantasy is kinder than the fantasies the Internet has had about her. [Captions appear saying: "DON'T GOOGLE IT!" "I DID!" "MISTAKE!"]

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 * Max: My life's a living...
 * Lester the Possum: Hell-o, little buddy!
 * Nostalgia Critic: Okay, G film. You were this close to getting a "P" put in front of you.

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 * Nostalgia Critic: They end up at what I can only describe as the Little Mermaid's love shack. [Max lies on a bed, which has living fish inside] Oh, those fish are gonna stare at Goofy's junk all night!

Green Lantern

 * Nostalgia Critic: You're just gonna sit there and talk, don't you- Oh, my God, are you kidding me? Are you friggin' kidding me?! You can literally do anything! Anything! You can ride a Pegasus through the Tunnel of Love while the water is diamonds, and you sit on a roof! Hell, why did they fly in Superman? It would have been so much more romantic if he just walked up to Lois and said...
 * Nostalgia Critic: [as Superman] Let's get McDonald's.
 * Nostalgia Critic: [as Lois] Okay.

The Mummy (2017)

 * Nostalgia Critic: [Displeased] Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic, I remember it so you don't have to. And do I really have to?
 * Angry Video Game Nerd: We have to!
 * Nostalgia Critic: [Sighs] This is "The Mummy" with Tom Cruise.
 * [Clips of the movie play]
 * Nostalgia Critic: This was supposed to be the big start to, what else? A cinematic universe. One Universal wanted to create with its classic monster movies. Because everything has to be a goddamn universe now. Christ, I'm surprised the Teletubbies don't have a cinematic universe!
 * Angry Video Game Nerd: Don't give them ideas!
 * Nostalgia Critic: [Covers his mouth in shock] Oh shit!
 * [In the corner of the screen, a shot of "Teletubbies vs. Care Bears" appears]
 * Nostalgia Critic: Damn it!
 * Angry Video Game Nerd: The film bombed, throwing their future Dark Universe films into question. I really wanted to talk about this movie, because, in some respects, this comes full circle.
 * Nostalgia Critic: [Confused] What?
 * Angry Video Game Nerd: [Moving his finger around in a squiggly circle] OK, it's a very shittily-drawn circle, but it's still a circle. [Shrugs]
 * Nostalgia Critic: Did you just make up the word "shittily"?
 * Angry Video Game Nerd: My point is Universal invented the shared universe concept in the 40s. [​Posters of Frankenstein Meets the Wolf Man, House of Dracula, The House of Frankenstein, and Abbott and Costello Meet the Monsters Collection pop up on screen​] Crossovers, versus, team-ups, all these were originally done with the classic Universal monsters. Marvel and everybody else is technically copying what they started. Somewhere down the line, that fad faded, but as films like [posters of...] Freddy vs. Jason, ​Captain America: Civil War, and Batman vs. Superman​ became popular, suddenly Universal wanted to jump back onboard. So now, ironically, Universal is copying Marvel and all these other films, forgetting that Universal was the one that came up with this idea to begin with.
 * Nostalgia Critic: And that's all this movie is: a copy. A copy of every overused cliché in current cinematic universes, trying to set up the next five movies rather than focusing on making one good one.
 * Angry Video Game Nerd: I actually wanted to see this movie succeed, because I want the Universal monsters to continue in some way. They're not as popular nowadays as they should be, so it's important to bring them back in the public minds. It's like Batman or James Bond: [The collages of all the actors who played the mentioned characters are shown] we all have our favorite actors who played the roles, [Jack Nicholson and Heath Ledger as the Jokers are followed] but we still accept different versions, and the best ones can create new timeless interpretations.
 * Nostalgia Critic: Does this film do that?
 * Angry Video Game Nerd: I think you know the answer.
 * Nostalgia Critic: I know the answer. Let's dive into [Finger quotes] the Dark Universe's Mummy.
 * [The film starts with a stylized opening, featuring the brown-coloured Earth, the gloomy sky and the caption "DARK UNIVERSE" sliding up]
 * Angry Video Game Nerd: Look at this. They're already declaring it "The Dark Universe". Ooh, we're so excited. There's gonna be more of something that we don't even know if we like yet.
 * [The quote from Egyptian prayer of resurrection, "Death is but the doorway to new life. We live today, we shall live again. In many new forms shall we return", is followed]
 * Nostalgia Critic: Followed by a quote, because... They just want a quote.
 * Angry Video Game Nerd: Yeah, they always do that to make films seem more important. Hey, how about this for a more fitting quote?
 * [The mock quote "This movie's gonna suck" by "Everyone" is shown]
 * Nostalgia Critic: Truth in advertising.

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 * Jekyll: [Narrating] Vowing revenge, she made a choice to embrace evil.
 * Angry Video Game Nerd: Revenge for what?
 * Nostalgia Critic: I don't know. Revenge against the baby for literally being born? But, okay. She kills the kid and the mother and the Pharaoh. What happens next?
 * Jekyll: [Narrating] She vowed to bring Set, the god of death, into our world, in the body of a mortal man. Together, they would take their vengeance upon humanity.
 * [Both the Nerd and the Critic blink in confusion]
 * Nostalgia Critic: Where did that come from?!
 * Angry Video Game Nerd: I have no idea what this chick is about!
 * Nostalgia Critic: First, she wants to be queen, then kill her brother, then bonk a demon, then kill the demon to release the demon to take over the world?
 * Angry Video Game Nerd: That's like saying after Bruce Wayne's parents died... [Michael Keaton as Batman is shown] ...he wanted to become Batman... [The Gotham City background changes to a flower shop] ...open a flower shop... [The background is now a disco party] ...become a disco dancer... [Three ice creams are shown with the captions "Justice", "Dark Justice", and "Strawberry #2"] ...and create three new ice creams! One motivation is enough!

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 * Angry Video Game Nerd: Cruise is taken to a secret location in London, where we get cameos in jars: the Creature from the Black Lagoon's hand, the vampire's skull...
 * Nostalgia Critic: Look, Howard the Duck is in the back!
 * Angry Video Game Nerd: ...and Russell Crowe, the Nick Fury of this movie, in the role of...who else? Dr. Jekyll.
 * Jekyll: I would like, if I may, Mr. Morton, to tell you a story.
 * Critic + Nerd: No!
 * Nostalgia Critic: You're already telling five stories! Just stick to one!

Dragonball Evolution

 * Narrator: Last time on Nostalgia Critic Z... Critic was confronting the worst anime adaptation of all time. [Nostalgia Critic, dressed as Krillin, confronts a 2017 Death Note DVD] No, the other one. [The DVD turns into Dragonball Evolution] There ya go.
 * Nostalgia Critic: [As a parody of anime, his mouth movements do not match his spoken words] So, shitty movie, you think you can piss off the legion of fans with your misunderstanding of source material? [DVD does not answer, of course] Your silence only enables your guiltiness! Now I will show you the meaning of pain!

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 * [LittleKuriboh holds up a smartphone whose Rotten Tomatoes site shows a 14% rating]
 * LittleKuriboh: It's over nine PERCENT!

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 * [Goku is learning the Kamehameha with Roshi]
 * MasakoX: So even though in the show that focuses on mastering energy, here, it's mastering... [sighs] airbending.
 * Nostalgia Critic: [disbelief] They do not call it that.
 * MasakoX: Oh, but they do.
 * Roshi: The most basic of all the airbending techniques.
 * Nostalgia Critic: Do they know the difference between animes, non-animes and abominations of God?!

War of the Commercials

 * [The commercial for the original Super Smash Bros. is shown where Mario, Pikachu, Yoshi and Donkey Kong are skipping through a field together]
 * Nostalgia Critic: Yeah, this one launches the nostalgic feels. It's the first commercial for "Super Smash Brothers" on Nintendo 64. Now it's a commonplace idea to see your favourite loveable characters beat the shit out of each other, but back then, seeing these cuddly cuteballs skip was pretty shocking when it was followed by this.
 * [Mario trips Yoshi up, then Donkey Kong punches Mario's head]
 * Nostalgia Critic: Good lord! Suddenly, it's Joaquin Phoenix from Gladiator looking over an enchanted bloodbath!
 * [As the Nintendo characters are beating each other up, Commodus from "Gladiator" watches and sticks his tongue out]
 * Don LaFontaine: Something's gone wrong in the happy-go-lucky world of Nintendo.
 * Nostalgia Critic: What I like is, before you realize it's all going this direction, it just looks like Mario snapped at Yoshi! [Mario trips Yoshi] What the hell did he do? Did he have a flashback to when he was a baby and Yoshi failed to protect him?
 * [As dramatic music plays, a clip of Super Mario World 2: Yoshi's Island plays, in which a crying Baby Mario, out of reach of Yoshi, is spirited away by Kamek's toadies]
 * Nostalgia Critic: [As Mario, as he trips Yoshi] Never forgive, asshole! [As Donkey Kong] You're a dickhead, Mario! [As Mario] You're the dickhead!
 * [He then imitates all of the characters at once as they fight, but it's too inaudible to make it out, except for Pikachu's "Pika! Pika!", as DK throws him through the air by his tail]
 * Nostalgia Critic: Ten points to whoever threw Pikachu twice, by the way.
 * [In the commercial, Pikachu is seen airborne for the second time]
 * Nostalgia Critic: [As Pikachu] Pika-NO!
 * [Yoshi swings a sledgehammer at the camera, leaving a splatter of blood]
 * Nostalgia Critic: Why were they even skipping if they were just gonna fight? Is it like "A Clockwork Orange" where Mario knew he was gonna jack them up? [As Mario, in the manner of Alex DeLarge] I was calm on the outside, but thinking all the time. So now it was Yoshi the general, saying what to do and what not to do. Well, I viddied what to do.
 * [Mario's kick that starts the fight is shown again]
 * Nostalgia Critic: Couldn't you just get revenge by dropping him off another cliff? We know the Yoshi species are like socks to you. Ultra-violent as hell, but pretty funny, too, this commercial hits hard in the laughs.
 * Don LaFontaine: Only on Nintendo 64.
 * [The commercial ends with Yoshi hitting DK on the head with the aforementioned hammer, knocking the big gorilla to the ground with the N in "Nintendo 64" spinning around his head like circling stars; cut to the tagline for the N64: "Get N or Get Out"]
 * Alex DeLarge: I was cured, all right.

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 * [A sketch is shown, showing Malcolm, Rob Walker, Jim Jarosz and Barney Walker in classy outfits. On the whiteboard in the background, a caption "Welcome, the Smith-Hayden-Jones-Fukome-Al Sayed-Guadalupe-Von Slamkowski-Macduggel-嗝太 Family" is written]
 * Announcer: HEY! You look like real jerks! [To Rob] So what'cha doin'?!
 * Rob: Oh, well, we're going to a family reunion...
 * Announcer: Shut up! You're fightin' dinosaurs now!
 * [Rob disappears from the room and appears in a desert where he encounter a T-Rex. He lets out 3 high-pitches screams before we cut back to the others]
 * Announcer: [To Malcolm] Hey, jerk! What'cha doin'!?
 * Malcolm: I got sweet potato yams made from potato...
 * Announcer: Shut up! You're goin' up against...ki...killer skeletons!
 * [Malcolm disappears from the room and appears in a mountain range where he meets a skeleton with a sword and shield. He screams and runs away in fear, throwing away the dish. We cut back again]
 * Announcer: [To Jim] Hey, jerk! What'cha doin'?!
 * Jim: Well, I have got, uh...
 * Announcer: Shut up! You're... [Stutters] In a volcano!
 * [Jim disappears and reappears inside a volcano sinking into lava! Barney is the only one left]
 * Announcer: Hey, JERK!
 * Barney: Um...
 * Announcer: SHUT UP! Space!
 * [Barney is now floating in space and suffocating. We cut to a cheerful Tamara at a kitchen wearing an apron and holding two plates with pies on them]
 * Announcer: HEY, JERK! What'cha doin'?!?!?
 * Tamara: Oh, I just made pie.
 * Announcer: [In a less aggressive tone] ...Actually, it sounds really nice.
 * Tamara: It's apple pie.
 * Announcer: That's my favourite.
 * Tamara: Would you like a slice?
 * Announcer: Please.
 * [Tamara gives the pie to the announcer and he eats it]
 * Announcer: That's delicious.
 * Tamara: Oh, thank you! You know, the secret ingredients...
 * Announcer: Not to bring down the mood, but I think I killed your entire family.
 * Tamara: [Frowns] What?
 * Announcer: Yeah.
 * [Rob, Malcolm, Jim and Barney's outcomes are shown as the announcer describes them tearfully. In order, we see Rob getting eaten by the T-Rex, the skeleton dancing over Malcolm's dead body, Jim's hand sinking into the lava, and Barney's body floating in space]
 * Announcer: I gave one to a T-Rex, a skeleton killed another, one of them melted, another's in space... [The RSPCA PSA is shown briefly] I killed your dog... [Cut back to Tamara, who is confused and shocked] Pretty much everything you cherished is gone!
 * Tamara: Well, I...
 * Announcer: I'm sorry! I get carried away sometimes!
 * Tamara: I... I...
 * [Both of them start sobbing]
 * Announcer: But, hey! Have you ever played Atari Pole Position?
 * Tamara: No.
 * Announcer: It's a lot of fun. You should try it.
 * Tamara: Okay. [Continues crying]
 * Announcer: Okay. Well, I'm gonna go away and be a voice. You have really nice pie. Sorry I killed your family.
 * Tamara: Okay... [Puts her plate down] I'll check out Atari Pole Position...
 * Announcer: It's really good.
 * [Jump cut to the cover for Pole Position with heavy metal playing in the background and the caption "NOW AVAILABLE! (Does not come with family-killing voice)" shown on the right]

Super Mario Bros.: The Anime

 * Goomba: [In a calm male voice] Hey, you two. Looks like you're having some food issues.
 * Nostalgia Critic: Okay, I know this is a corny fandub, but that is the most chill and laid-back Goomba!

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 * [Mario hits a block, causing a bunch of ramen boxes labeled with the brothers' faces to pop out. The two start eating]
 * Nostalgia Critic: So they go around hitting bricks, which, of course, leads to the classic prize of package noodles with their pictures on them.

A Muppet Family Christmas

 * Big Bird: Tell me, exactly, what are you going to fix for Christmas dinner?
 * Chef: [subtitled by Nostalgia Critic] Man. Sweet, buttery, delicious man.
 * Big Bird: My absolute favorite!

Home Alone 2: Lost in New York

 * Harry: We got busted last time because we underestimated that little bundle of misery.
 * Marv: This ain't like the last time.
 * Nostalgia Critic: Clearly, you have not been watching this movie.

Star Wars: The Last Jedi

 * [After we see the Channel Awesome logo, we are shown the caption that says "You know when and where...". The Star Wars logo appears in space and zooms out as a variation of its theme plays. Suddenly, Chris Stuckmann crashes into the logo, making it fall]
 * Chris Stuckmann: Oh, my God. That was...
 * [Then he is suddenly risen up by an opening crawl, preventing it from moving properly]
 * Chris Stuckmann: Whoa! Oh, I'm so sorry. I don't know what's happening. I'm sorry. Just...just...it won't stop.
 * [He then notices the Nostalgia Critic and Cinema Snob dressed as Han Solo walking out of a flash of light]
 * Nostalgia Critic: Stuckmann, are you stopping the opening crawl again?
 * Chris Stuckmann: Whoa. Critic, Snob, what are you guys doing in space?
 * Cinema Snob: Oh, we just wrapped up our Force Awakens review.
 * Nostalgia Critic: As well as just celebrated [Imitates Chewbacca's roaring] Hanukkah.
 * Chris Stuckmann: Well, I just finished doing my Rogue One review with you. Continuity-wise, I don't think those timelines sync up.
 * Nostalgia Critic: No, no. Pretty sure our two separate storylines match up exactly. Pretty sure.
 * Cinema Snob: Yeah. It only feels like two years have gone by.
 * Nostalgia Critic: [Briefly showing his bald head] Yeah, and we all look exactly the same as when we saw each other a couple seconds ago.
 * [The Cinema Snob points out his ring finger]
 * Chris Stuckmann: Do we? I'm pretty sure at least my teeth look different.
 * Cinema Snob: Yeah, so step off the crawl so we can review The Last Jedi.
 * Chris Stuckmann: I don't know. If literally no time has passed, I don't think the crawl is gonna give us much.
 * Nostalgia Critic: Look, this is how these Star Wars movies work. A few years pass by with each one, and the crawl always catches us up!
 * Chris Stuckmann: I'm telling you, Critic, they got nothing.
 * Nostalgia Critic: Well, we'll be the judge of that, so step off!
 * [Chris shrugs and joins NC and CS as they look at the moving crawl with arms folded. It says "We got nothin'. The crawl's pointless, we got nothin'. Traditions, I guess. We're just gonna fill up this space here with the Meow Mix song lyrics. Meow-meow-meow-meow-meow-meow..."]
 * Nostalgia Critic: God damn it!
 * Chris Stuckmann: Yeah, I told you. The crawl's pointless, they got nothing.
 * [Then they notice there are whopping SEVEN lines of "Meow-meow-meow-meow-meow-meow"]
 * Nostalgia Critic: All right, let's just get on with it.
 * Cinema Snob: Oh, wait. I always wondered what the last lyric was.
 * [The eighth, ninth and tenth lines of "Meow-meow-meow-meow-meow-meow" appear, ending the crawl]
 * Cinema Snob: "Meow." Lloyd was right. [Lloyd is the name of the Cinema Snob's cat]
 * Nostalgia Critic: [Sighs] Let's just get going.

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 * Nostalgia Critic: Kylo Ren finds he can't destroy his mother, but luckily the other fighters can, blasting her into space.
 * Chris Stuckmann: I'd be lying if I said this wasn't a little awkward considering this is Carrie Fisher's last movie.
 * Nostalgia Critic: Oh, don't worry. It gets even more awkward!
 * [Leia (Portrayed by Tamara) opens her eyes begins flying to a soundalike of the Superman theme]
 * Cinema Snob: [Annoyed] Oh, come on, Critic! Show what really happened.
 * Nostalgia Critic: That is what really happened! She goes "Shooting Star" on our asses!
 * [Leia's flying scene is shown with toned-down "Shooting Stars" by Bag Raiders playing and the galaxy revolving around her in the background]
 * Nostalgia Critic: Even if you overlook Fisher's passing and the fact that we're watching her cold corpse come back to life...
 * Cinema Snob: That's a pretty big overlook!
 * Nostalgia Critic: When did Leia learn to do something like that?
 * [Images of Luke and Rey are shown, as well as Leia flying again]
 * Chris Stuckmann: We see how hard it is for prodigies Luke and Rey just to move rocks. How can she vacuum-suck her way back to the ship with no practice?
 * Cinema Snob: Maybe Luke and her were getting a drink one night and he said...
 * [Cut to Luke (Portrayed by the Nostalgia Critic) chatting with Leia at a bar]
 * Luke Skywalker: So, if by some rare chance, you're out Sandra Bullocking in space, just remember, hold your hand out to the nearest ship, the Force has got your back.
 * Leia: That's uncomfortably specific, but good to know.
 * Luke: Welcome to my world.
 * Cinema Snob: It's weird.

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 * Cinema Snob: While Leia is out of commission, the second-in-command, Vice Admiral Holdo...
 * [Hodor from Game of Thrones is shown]
 * Cinema Snob: [Chuckles] Boy, that would have been a completely different movie.
 * [Chris gestures and Hodor is replaced by purple-haired Vice Admiral Amilyn Holdo (portrayed by Aiyanna), who smiles and waves at the camera]
 * Cinema Snob: ...is put in charge, and she seems less like an admiral and more like a working mom trying to keep her cool around her teenage son.
 * [Poe Dameron (Portrayed by Doug) walks up to Holdo]
 * Poe: We need some answers! We need to know what's going on!
 * Holdo: [Speaking in a slow, didactic tone] I hear you, but I need you to trust my decision.
 * Poe: How? How can we trust you if we don't even know what you're doing?
 * Holdo: I need to keep things from you so that you can learn a lesson.
 * Poe: We don't need to learn any lessons! What we need to do is...
 * Holdo: GO TO YOUR ROOM!
 * Poe: [Tearfully] You're the worst Vice Admiral ever! [Leaves]

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 * Nostalgia Critic: Thus Finn and Phasma have a big fight that's been building up for a while.
 * Captain Phasma: Time to finish what we sort of started.
 * Cinema Snob: Unfortunately, it's cut short because Holdo sacrifices herself by aiming her abandoned ship at the First Order and putting it in light speed. [Slight mistake here. Holdo's sacrifice happened before Finn and Phasma's fight, not during]
 * [Before Finn and Phasma can hit each other, Holdo's ship comes crashing in in slow-motion, as Holdo talks with Finn and Phasma as if everything is fine]
 * Holdo: Oh, hey, guys! It's my last words! Crazy, right? [Chuckles]
 * [The sudden crash causes Finn and Phasma to separate, with Phasma moving towards fiery danger. Phasma realizes what's about to happen and becomes angry]
 * Phasma: Is that all I get!? I'm Gwendoline goddamn Christie! I'm fifth least likely to die on Game of Thrones!
 * Finn: Sorry. We had to cut it short.
 * Phasma: For what?!
 * Finn: For BORING CASINO FILLER!
 * Phasma: LAME! [Falls to her fiery death]
 * [Rose approaches Finn]
 * Finn & Rose: MacGuffin number 4!
 * Finn: [Looking bored] We need real surprises in this.
 * Rose: Right?