The Oblongs

The Oblongs is an American adult animated sitcom that focuses on the antics of a family who live in a poor valley community who, as a result of extreme pollution and radiation, are all severely disabled and deformed.

Misfit Love [1.1]

 * Milo: [to Teacher] You may control my mind but you'll never control my ass!


 * Peggy: I can't wait to get back to school and resume learning!
 * Helga: I can't wait till you drown in your saliva.
 * Susie: Drowning is my third favorite way to die. But, they are all good.
 * Mikey: (pulls a set of keys from his buttocks) Hey, I found my mom's car keys in my butt flaps


 * Bob: [to Milo] Son, you know you're forbidden to handle anything sharper than a boiled egg!


 * Yyvette: Yvette to mother ship. Bald nerd child presumed incinerated. Research incomplete. Returning to base.
 * P.A.: Negative. Not cost-effective. Terminate self.
 * Yyvette: Aw, crap. [powders to ashes]


 * Helga: [to Milo] I quit! Injure your own damn self!


 * Pickles: Hello, Pristine.
 * Pristine: Pickles, fabulous to see you! Love your hair, where'd you buy it?
 * Pickles: Off some whore. I think it was your mother.
 * Pristine: Well, gotta run. I don't want my daughter and her friends exposed to a drunken hose-bag. Oh, my gosh, did I say that out loud?
 * Pickles:[takes out license plate that says Debbie] Look! A novelity license plate that says Debbie! [all The Debbies and Pristine tackle for it]


 * Beth: Milo said he's not going to school today.
 * Pickles: Beth, honey, nobody likes a tattletale.
 * Bob: I do. They're an essential part of any family. You keep right on tattling, sweetie pie.
 * Beth: Daddy has a magazine with naked ladies hugging.
 * Bob: Ehh, criminy.


 * Susie: [after getting caught setting fire to the clubhouse] I have a problem.

Narcoleptic Scottie [1.2]

 * Milo: That's homeless Bill, he smells like pee-pee... I'M KEEPING HIM!


 * Milo: What are you doing?
 * Pickles: Burying beer. Ah crud, that means I drank gopher poison.


 * Milo: Dear God or God-like figure; when I wake up, please make Scottie all better. Look around. You owe me.


 * Biff: [referring to Scottie] What's wrong with him?
 * Bob: He's a narcoleptic.
 * Chip: An undercover drug agent?
 * Bob: Uh, sure, fine. Run.


 * Helga: Hey, push that box of cow hooves closer here!
 * [Mikey pushes the box]
 * Helga (after licking the box): Oh, god yes!


 * Chip [after he puts on a police uniform and Biff tries to strangle him]: Hey, that's me, idiot.


 * Bob: Dagnabbit, I'm still riddled with tartar!

Milo Interrupted [1.3]

 * Bob: [about Mrs. Hubbard] Good lord. That old biddy is nuts.
 * Pickles: Bob, she's right here.


 * Milo: Finally we can experience the magic
 * Helga:[To Peggy] Told ya he was gay.
 * Jared: Hey valley geeks, get your paws of our insects
 * Jared: I said it before and I'll say it again. Get em'
 * Friends: Aaaaaaaaaaaah.


 * Peggy: Hip-hip-hello Helga! Milo sent me!
 * Helga: He told our secret?! [In a demonic voice, she goes berserk and says something about the devil in Latin]


 * Helga:You're going to leave me aren't you? Everyone I care about leaves me!! [sobs loudly]

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 * Helga: [About eating wedding cake] I get all my major color food groups. Red, White,... mostly white.

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 * Milo: So what's going on after school?
 * Susie: Well, there was a murder on my street and the chalk outline is still there. We can play hopscotch.
 * [Helga runs in]
 * Helga: He already has plans, you ho!
 * Susie: Whoa, easy.
 * Helga: I don't like you two hussies macking on my man.
 * Peggy: [Peggy does the finger wave] Oh no she didn't just call me a ho!

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 * Mayor: I give you Mrs. Hubbard. I don't know her first name.

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 * Mrs. Hubbard: All the children need is the Good Book and what's in it.
 * [Mrs. Hubbard places the Bible down, opens it and takes out a gun]
 * Mrs. Hubbard: Behold: the Piece of the Lord.
 * [Mrs. Hubbard accidentally fires the pistol]
 * Mrs. Hubbard: Sorry.

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 * Milo: Wait, you can't arrest her. Her parents abandoned her. She just needs love.
 * Sheriff: What she needs is a salad.

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 * Bob: Pickles is right. Milo has too much sense to take drugs.
 * Milo: Wow, I've never seen so much crack. [cut to shot of Milo looking at Mikey's butt]

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 * Milo: Finally, we can experience the magic.
 * Helga: Told you he was gay.

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 * Bob's book title: Kids Snort the Darnedest Things

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 * Milo: I'm trying to find Helga's parents on the internet, but I keep getting distracted by porn.

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 * Milo: I knew we'd find our way to happiness!!!
 * Helga: I always knew he was gay.

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 * Helga: Oh my...you're giving me the vapors!
 * Milo: I've smelled your vapors...and that's my cue, SEE YA!

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 * Bob: Milo; No more fooling around. I want you to take me to your drug stash.
 * Milo: Oky-dok.
 * [Milo takes his dad to a cabinet filled with many different pill bottles]
 * Bob: Not your prescription drugs; I'm talking about the bad kind.
 * Milo: Dad, there's enough in there to drop Elvis.

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 * Milo: You're out of order! You're out of order! This whole damn courts out of order!!!
 * Judge:[hits mallet] Silence boy!
 * Milo:Sorry I'm not right in the head.

Bucketheads [1.4]

 * Peggy: I can't believe people thought hat stupid bucket you wore yesterday was cool
 * Helga: No one even noticed that I finally shaved my pits.

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 * [Shoes come down and hit Mikey in the head and knock him out]
 * Milo: Wow, these are Michael Jumps-a-Lots! I'm keeping them!
 * [Hobo walks by]
 * Hobo: Wow, an unconscious kid! I'm keeping him! [picks up Mikey]

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 * Helga: Perfect, I've never felt prettier than with this garbage can on my head. Wow, the irony is even within my grasp.

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 * Helga: Let's doing the own my ladys
 * Helga: Let's by the askalater
 * Helga: And that's how I needs to go
 * Milo: Look they got tommy vinegear
 * Saleswoman: Can I help you?
 * Mikey: Can you recommend anything that will take attention away from my buttocks?
 * Saleswoman: A world war?
 * Helga: You're funny! You're also old.
 * Susie: Soon you will be dead. Then we dig up your grave and make your corpse do embarrassing things à la Weekend at Bernie's.

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 * Bob: Parent-teacher night is two hoots and a sock full of yowzas!
 * Chip: How do you survive in the world?

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 * Bob: It's probably best not to wear those today, son. It's raining cats and dogs outside.
 * Milo: Oh, no!
 * Bob: Actually, it's raining rain. I'm just busting your chops.

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 * Susie: [To Milo, while wearing a frilly dress] You cruel bastard.

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 * Bob: Where are all our customers? Surely everyone saw the one-line advertisement I placed in the "et cetera" section of our local PennySaver.
 * Beth: Maybe they don't want to smell like flowers and pork.
 * Pickles: That's their problem. I think it's two great smells that smell great together.

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 * Pickles: There ya go. Now it's a ham bucket.

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 * [The family is having dinner in a restaurant]
 * Biff: Man, I wish we could eat decent food like this every day.
 * Pickles: I wish you could too, but that would involve me and the kitchen, and I'm just not seeing it.
 * Beth: But I haven't grown in two years, well, unless you count this
 * Pickles: Hey, if I came up with a few more fashion ideas, I could get enough money to buy the schools stove
 * <Everyone cheers>
 * Milo: Promise you won't forget about this when the martinis wear off
 * Pickles: Oh kids, they never wear off
 * <Everyone cheers again>

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 * [Pickles is selling ham buckets. Milo's friends arrive]
 * Pickles: Fifty bucks.
 * Helga: Fiddy bones? I ain't got that kind of scratch. I work for a living, lady.
 * Pickles: For Milo's little friends, they're on the house.
 * Milo: But they'll cheapen the coolness factor.
 * Pickles: Do you want another spanking like last night?
 * Milo: Mom, that wasn't me. That was Dad.
 * Pickles: That's none of your business.

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 * Helga: I've never felt prettier with this garbage can on my head. Wow, the irony is within my grasp

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 * Debbie: [after seeing Milo fall down a flight of stairs] Bitchin' move!
 * [The other kids follow suit]
 * Jared: Ow! My spine!

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 * Pickles: Here, take this and go get me 50 buckets and 50 yams!
 * Milo: HAMS, mom! Who would wear a yam?!

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 * [Pickles answers the door and sees all the Debbies standing on her porch]
 * Pickles: Either I'm really smashed or you and your friends look exactly alike!

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 * Helga: Well, well, well! A dog always returns to its vomit... wait a minute.

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 * Jared: How come he got two fruity kisses and I only got one?
 * Milo: It is part of the enigma that is Meelo

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 * Milo: Okay, everyone, it's Showtime
 * Susie: You cruel bastard

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 * Milo: Helga, stop eating your fringe.
 * Helga: You shouldn't have made it out of bacon.

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 * Peggy: Why should we help you when you've been a fantastic ass?!

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 * Milo: I know about the attitude, but how do I not care about what people think?
 * Pickles: Well, I have a great husband and great kids and you all think I'm cool.
 * Milo: Are you saying I should marry Dad?
 * Bob: You just ruined what could have been a very poignant family moment.
 * Pickles: Should we hug anyway
 * Milo: I don't care
 * Pickles: That's my boy

Heroine Addict
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 * Velva: We must rescue Majora from the evil Testiclies. I could ride my horse, Fallopiuis, or take my boat, the cervix
 * Unnamed woman: But we don't know if she's being held in Scroter's castle or th e vas deferent forest

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 * Beth: Fallopius, to the cave <rides Scottie like a horse>

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 * Pickles: [Italic texttalking about Milo & Beth fighting over the remoteItalic text] There's only one to settle this.


 * Bob: That's right!


 * Pickles: Beth, Milo you both have to fight for it! To distrepute the height differences Beth you can use a sock full of nickles!

The Golden Child [1.6]

 * Bob: Morphine... what a rascal!

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 * Pickles: Why can't you be like your brother and QUIETLY read pornography?
 * Biff: I prefer to stay focused on the manliness of sports. Coach always says heart, obedience, motivation, opportunity... H - O - M - O.
 * Beth: That spells 'homo'.
 * Biff: You don't know how to spell!

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 * Helga: [about Milo's sports drink, Manic] Looks like pee, tastes like crap!
 * Milo: Maybe we shouldn't say "Tastes like crap."
 * Susie: Milo, these days you need a slick marketing campaign to succeed.

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 * Everybody: Hail Milo! Hail Milo!
 * Man Among Group: Hail Satan!... Sorry, got swept up in the moment.

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 * Susie: This is just donkey's blood...[tastes blood] She donkey.

Flush, Flush, Sweet Helga [1.7]

 * Debbie: [gasps] Crashers! and that fat girl has my locket!
 * Helga: Debbie! It's Me, your best friend, Helga... and I'm not fat, I'm zaftig.

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 * Milo: [Grunts] I can't get the locket off. The clasp is covered with fat.
 * Helga: Zaftig! It's covered by Zaftig.

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 * Jared: Stupid gravity!

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 * Milo: [as he and his friends are rolling away] Kiss my butt goodbye! [The ball rolls back to where it started] Um, I'm sorry about that "butt" crack. Buttcrack! I'm on a roll! Get it roll? Um... I'll return the locket now.
 * [Milo squeezes Helga to get the locket off; the locket snaps off Helga's neck and flies into the sewer]
 * Debbie: My locket! It went down the sewers where all the smelly stuff is! [starts crying]

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 * Helga: [stuck in below the sewer] Hello? Is anyone there? I think there's rats in my butt.

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 * Helga: [stuck in the sewer and surrounded by food] Hey guys! Want some Egg Foo Yung?
 * Peggy: Helga, you're supposed to be losing weight!
 * Helga: It's not my fault. All this stuff just fell down here. So I'm not Kate Moss. Big deal.
 * Milo: Kate Moss isn't stuck in a sewer.
 * Helga: Oh, I don't know. When you think about it, isn't there no bigger sewer than the world of professional modeling?

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 * Pickles: Come on like it he set to it
 * Bob: Sweety the snob sness
 * Bob: It doesn't proper pinata
 * Pickles: Bob I am wanna tanger in budging here
 * Mikey: [being stung by wasps] The candy's stinging me!

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 * Debbie: [seeing the American flag] Look! The Ralph Lauren flag!

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 * Pickles: [singing; bringing in cake] Happy whatever to whoever, happy whatever to whoever! Mazel Tov!
 * Milo: [tastes the frosting; lurches back in disgust] This cake tastes weird...
 * Pickles: Well, we didn't have any chocolate icing, so I used deviled ham instead. Enjoy!

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 * Pickles: Make a wish!
 * Milo: I wish I was dead...
 * Susie: Milo, if you say it out loud, it won't come true.

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 * [Mayor is talking to the Helga, who is in the sewer, by the cell phone ]
 * Mayor: [to the crowd] The fat girl's stuck in a pipe...
 * [Nobody reacts]
 * Mayor: ...and so is the locket.
 * [Everybody gasps]:

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 * Mayor Bledso: Here you go sweetie, this one's from daddy, and I dare any of you little candy asses to come up with a better gift!
 * Debbie: [squeals] Oh daddy, a locket! Give us a kiss!
 * Mayor Bledso: Ain't got time for kissin'.
 * Debbie: K!

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 * Milo: Mom, we've got to get Helga out of the sewer! She's not losing weight! She'll have to live down there and get married down there and have kids down there, then her kids will marry each other and have more kids and they'll be hillbillies in the sewer and the banjo playing will drive us insane!
 * Pickles: Finally, someone's making sense!

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 * [Police show up and take over the Oblong's bathroom]
 * Bob: Sheriff, with all due respect, you can't just show up and commandeer our toilet.
 * Sheriff: Sorry, law of eminent domain. [pinches Pickles' butt]
 * Pickles: Hey!
 * Sheriff: Eminent domain.

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 * Reporter: Tune in at eleven, when we'll be talking to the next door neighbor of the man who made the velvet box the locket came in.
 * Bob: I'm sure will be back
 * Pickles: Yea right
 * Helga: Hello is everyone there
 * Helga: I think I see that rats in my but
 * Milo: We have to do something
 * Pickles: Carry about mouse trump
 * Pickles: With damage for those wrapped
 * Bob: Milo get climbing rope out of my truck.

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 * Construction Worker: We know what we're doing, sir.
 * Helga: I'm not a sir! I'm a beautiful little girl.
 * Construction Worker: He's obviously in shock. Let's get out of here.

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 * Milo: Helga,
 * Milo: You gotta do somehing or she's gonna dround
 * Susie: A little bosides he's a got a little blooney
 * Helga: Thanks I'm so much better
 * Milo: Where not gonna die
 * Milo: Where my friend I will let you
 * Helga: Thanks milo there's a number shock
 * Helga: Stupid toliet
 * Milo: That's it
 * Milo: All research is a resides for toliet for making water rise
 * Milo: Come on you gotta stop him.

Disfigured Debbie [1.8]

 * Banner in school gym: MILK VS. DEBBIE
 * Milo: Uh, excuse me. It's supposed to say, Milo.
 * Principal: Trust me. "Milk" will get more votes.

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 * [After Debbie and the twins start arguing]
 * Debbie: Like, what's with the dork shoes? :[points at Biff and Chip's shoes]
 * Chip: :[angrily] I thought I told you, no more Buster Browns!
 * Biff: The salesman was putting pressure on me!
 * Chip: I am so angry with you right now.

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 * [At the Debbies' slumber party]
 * Debbie: Debbie heard from Debbie that Debbie doesn't like Debbie as much as Debbie.
 * All other Debbies :[in unison] No way!

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 * Milo: I'm sorry, guys. You believed in me and I let you down.
 * Helga: Come on, Milo. We never believed in you.

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 * [Debbie falls off the stage into the thresher]
 * [long pause; thresher continues to run]
 * Farmer Boy: You want maybe I should cut this thing off?

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 * Milo: You can run for President, Susie.
 * Creepy Susie: No, no. I have a skeleton in my closet. Oh, wait, no, I forgot; I made soup.

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 * Chip: Why does there have to be beautiful people anyway?
 * Bob: So the people who aren't beautiful will know who to follow. It's all part of God's great plan.

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 * Debbie: And this chart scientifically proves that I am descended from Cinderella!
 * Mr. Bergstein: But isn't Cinderella a storybo-
 * Debbie: You're a storybook!

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 * Mikey: Can I be the pres-di-dent?
 * Milo: I think you just answered your own question
 * Milo: How about you peggy
 * Peggy: Seriously, I can't believe you think I have the self esteem or charisma
 * Helga: Whoa, clean up on aisle seven. She's out
 * Mikey: Well I guest we should just forgot about it
 * Susie: Then things will never improve. Time will pass, we will die, our hair and nails will continue to go
 * Susie: And I come sees comes to go
 * Milo: Fine, then I'll do it. I'll run and I'll win


 * Peggy: Milo, no one is going to vote for a kid who wears a helmet in home room
 * Milo: That's just to protect my soft spot <Helga pokes Milo's head> Great, now I've lost my motor skills.

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 * Debbie: :[to her teacher] Ron?
 * Teacher: I wish you'd call me "Mr. Bergstein". And my first name is Leland.
 * Debbie: Whatever.

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 * Milo's student council poster: MILO OBLONG Medicated and dedicated.

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 * Milo: Debbie! Where are you? Debbie! [He looks up and sees Debbie on top of a bridge about to commit suicide] Debbie! You can't do this!
 * Debbie: Oh, yes I can!
 * Milo: Oh, no you can't!
 * [Debbie jumps, but when she lands in the water it only goes up to her ankles]
 * Milo: I told you. We all tried.
 * Debbie: What's the point of living if you can't be beautiful?
 * Milo: Debbie, beauty isn't everything. Was Mother Teresa beautiful? No, but she was loved by people all over the world.
 * Debbie: Didn't she die right after Princess Diana, but no one noticed because she was ugly?

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 * Milo's student council poster: Elect Milo. You've had despotic - now try psychotic!

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 * Debbie: [being forced into the Oblongs' car] No, no! I don't wanna go to the Valley! This car was built in America! [as her father is chasing her down]: It smells like poor people!

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 * [The Clubhouse treehouse; the five kids are having a meeting]
 * Peggy: The meeting will now come to order. I will commence by reading the minutes from last week's meeting followed by Q and A and reports from committees.
 * Mikey: Let's light our farts on fire.
 * Peggy: Excuse me, but- That's not in accordance with parliamentary procedure!
 * Milo: I have some new business. The Debbies treat us like dirt. Why don't we elect someone else student council president?
 * Peggy: But nobody's ever beat the Debbies.
 * Milo: How do we know unless we try? l mean, you could run, Susie.
 * Susie: No, no. I have a skeleton in my closet. Oh, wait. No, I forgot. I made soup.
 * Milo: Helga, how about you?
 * Helga: Are you cranked out of your mind? l would never run against my dear bosom friend, Debbie.
 * Milo: Helga, the Debbies hate you.

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 * Peggy: Eeew, Gross!
 * Susie: It's hideous. How long have those mice been loving in your back fat?
 * Helga: I don't know, but I call the white one Mitzi

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 * Pickles: Bitch gotta go.

Pickles' Little Amazons [2.1]

 * Bob: Pickles, did you forget Beth again?
 * Pickles: I could have sworn she drove us home!

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 * Beth (to meat tender at store): I'd like 2 pounds of flank steaks suitable for braising. And no bovine growth hormones. I don't need another one of these. (points to tumor)

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 * (over announcments): Clean up on aisle nine.
 *  Pickles (lobsters pinching at her): Get 'em off, Get them OFF!!

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 * Convict: Yo, Beth, see you on the outside!
 * Beth: Don't be no one's bitch!

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 * Photosynthesis instructor (in sexy voice): As the suns energy causes the carbon bond to vibrate, faster, and faster, and faster, and FASTER....
 * Milo: ...Professor Jodie?
 * All men: Shut up!

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 * Helga: We have to sell cookies to earn our entry fee for the Jamboree!
 * Pickles: Jambo- when does this crap ever end?!
 * Milo: It's not crap! This is good stuff! (everyone stares at Milo): Alright, I've been crotcheting and loving it. (pulls out hat) How cute is this?!
 * Bob: It's adorable son. I was wondering if you could crochet me a noose so I can hang myself.

Get Off My Back [2.2]

 * Chip: C'mon let's go do stuff to him!
 * Biff: Yeah, stuff!

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 * Biff: [To Milo] Hey, where are you going, ass-breath?
 * Chip: Yeah, ass-breath, cause his breath smells like ass.

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 * Milo: [To Jared and Blaine, as they finish taunting Biff and Chip] Everybody says you two have sex with each other.

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 * Susie:[picks up hula hoop] weeee.[in an attempt to use it it fails to the ground, every one stares] What? I can't have fun?

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 * Mikey: Hey guys, I think I cut my bottom on a rusty nail.
 * Peggy: Uh-oh, when was your last tetanus shot?
 * Mikey: I don't think I've ever had-- [His jaw locks, and he cries and runs away.]

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 * Milo: We need a new name for our club...
 * Peggy: I propose we call ourselves the Knights of Backyardia!*

*Knights of Backyardia is a play off of the song Knights of Cydonia by the artist Muse.
 * Chip: I've got a better one, how about the Lame-ass Treehouse Club for Babies?
 * Biff: Hah, hah I second that [Both high-five]
 * Helga: [in a flirty voice] I third it.
 * Chip: [about Helga] Hey, did you guys know there's a giant tree toad in here?
 * Helga: [to Chip] I love you! [She lunges herself at Chip, who moves out of the way, and she winds up kissing Milo instead, much to her horror] Ugh! I frenched Milo! Bleck!

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 * Milo: I have to go to the bathroom!
 * Chip: In that case, I'm going into a trace. [stares blankly for a moment, and then passes out]
 * Beth: [to Pickles] Mommy, what's a trance?
 * Pickles: Oh, it's just something your brothers do to give each other privacy.
 * Milo: [to Biff] I really have to go!
 * Biff: Number one or number two?
 * Milo: A little bit of both!
 * Biff: [to the others] Good night, folks. [also goes into a trance, and all three collapse on the floor]
 * Milo: [after being crushed beneath the weight of his brothers] This pressure's not helping....

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 * Milo: [to Chip after having his nipples squeezed] Hey, why are you squeezing my boobie?
 * Courtney: [to Chip] Are you trying to feel me up?
 * Chip: What?! No! I was feeling Milo up!
 * Courtney: You have no idea how wrong that sounds!
 * Chip: No, wait, I was trying to score with you!
 * Courtney: That's it, I'm leaving.
 * Milo: Wait! Chip says you have a beautiful soul.
 * Courtney: Oh! That changes everything! [Courtney and Chip are then making out while Milo watches the movie]

Please Be Genital [2.3]

 * Pickles: Bravo baby, bravo.
 * Bob: Thank you dearest, we aim to please or as the French say "Aah Uuuga!
 * Pickles: Eighteen years of marriage and we've never missed a night.
 * Bob: Or morning haha. Goodnight my love.
 * [Alarm goes off]
 * Pickles: Rise and shine me!

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 * Bob: James, you dog. So whose the lucky gal?
 * James: I don't know she hasn't been delivered yet.
 * Bob: Oh James, you can't marry a baby.
 * James: No she's a mail-order bride silly. I bought her on Ebay, I'm giving her this tomorrow. It's one of those cloudy yellowy diamonds that women love.
 * Bob: James I'm very happy for you. I only hope your marriage is as wonderful as mine and Pickles.
 * James: Thanks Bob. Hey you comin' to my bachlor party night right? The whole gang will be there!
 * Bob: What gang?
 * James: The one I bought on Ebay. Steve99@xcom, Packerfan@tetnet.
 * Bob: Sounds like a super giant gasser. Hey I have some funny napkins I can bring.

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 * Bob: [Gasps] Good lord that woman has no blouse on. [Gasps] My god she's making it worse.
 * James: Bob, this is a strip joint.
 * Bob: A what? I thought it was a colonial theme steak house.
 * Announcer: Hear ye, hear ye. Let's give it up for a great patriot Lady Amber from the county of Cleavage as she declares independence from her knickers.

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 * Bob: Ah, I beseech my lady. My fair wife wouldn't approve. Ah careful there, my family jewels are on the dance floor. Uh miss, your clogs are getting awfully close to my <sound of foot stomping, followed immediately by Bob screaming in pain>

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 * Doctor: Oof, that's nasty. Well, no sex for a couple of weeks.
 * Bob: A couple of weeks! But my wife and I have never missed a night.
 * Doctor: Then what the hell were you doing in a strip joint you dirty pig!
 * Bob: It's really none of your..you know your bedside manner could use a little work.
 * Doctor: Sorry.
 * [Doctor takes a picture of Bob's stuff]
 * Doctor: This ought to gross them out on the internet.

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 * Pickles: The captain of the SS Woman is on the bridge. [blowing horn sound] All hands on me!

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 * Pickles: Kids, I'm going to ask you a question and I want you to be brutally honest. Is mommy still sexy?
 * Chip: Gross.
 * Biff: Aren't you like thirty or something.?
 * Pickles: Thanks.
 * Beth: I think your beautiful mommy.
 * Pickles: Awww, baby.
 * Beth: You have a pretty mustache.

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 * Chip: Dude, you look thrashed.
 * Milo: I didn't get any shut eye. Except for this one in which doesn't count cause there's something wrong with me.

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 * Pickles: My Bob isn't attracted to me anymore Anita.
 * Anita: Let me get you a drink.
 * Pickles: I'm too depressed to drink. Just give me a beer and a shot.
 * Anita: I'm sure it's nothing to worry about Bobs probably just having an affair.
 * Pickles: What?!
 * Anita: Have you noticed any of the tell tale signs?
 * Pickles: Like what?
 * Anita: Oh, like.. he's irrepressibly chipper?
 * Pickles: He sure is.
 * Anita: Stingy with the hugs?
 * Pickles: You know I always have to hug him.
 * Anita: Is there a bounce in his step?
 * Pickles: Oh, my god he has been bouncing!
 * Anita: Take it from me, he's chasing strange.
 * Pickles: Well, no one's stealing the love of my life! I'm going to follow him! [She pauses] What was I going to do?

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 * Pickles: How dare you steal my husband!
 * Nun 1: Me? I'm married to the Lord.
 * Nun 2: Hey! I'm married to the Lord.
 * Nun 1: Oh, no you're not!
 * Guy: Nun Pile!

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 * Pickles: Who is she? I know you're having an affair Bob. That's why you won't make love to me.
 * Bob: An affair? That's crazy.
 * Pickles: Don't screw with me Bob, I bit off a nun's ear. Now tell me the truth.
 * Bob: Ok! I'll tell you! I went to James' bachlor party and a stripper stepped on...your buddy!! I'm a filthy pig!
 * Pickles: Awww, Bob, I don't care about that.
 * Bob: But.. I'm a dirty birdy.
 * Pickles: Yeah but you're my dirty birdy. Now let's never use that phrase again.
 * Bob: Uh Pickles, we still can't have relations for a while.
 * Pickles: Oh right. Well, we can do without sex. After all we have a very rich relationship.
 * Bob: That we do, sugar lumps.
 * Pickles: I mean two weeks isn't that long.
 * Bob: Nah.
 * [Short pause]
 * Pickles: Gimmie sex! Gimmie sex!
 * Bob: Ahh! No means no! No means no!

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 * Teacher: Ok kids, we're going to be working with some volatile chemicals today, except for you Milo since the school board has rated you a class four maniac.
 * Milo: I was just gonna brew a nice cup of tea. You know, I don't sleep.

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 * [Tea kettle goes off]
 * Teacher: Kids, Milo's made a bomb!
 * [Everyone ducks for cover]
 * Milo: There, there now, it's just my kettle. The old girl does jabber up a storm. Ahh.. jasmine.
 * Susie: He's getting awfully fruity. He's got to get some sleep.
 * Helge: Just not before the crumpets are ready.
 * Milo: Now, now let 'em cool, you wee buggers.

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 * Pickles: Anita do you have a brother?
 * Anita: Uhh... Yeah, sure, why not?

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 * Pickles: Bob what's happening to us? We used to have so much fun together.
 * Bob: We're eating soup with garlic croutons. What do you want woman?
 * Pickles: Well, let's go out on the town. We can call another couple and double date.
 * Bob: The only couple I know are James and his fiancee. I don't how much fun she'll be,though. She's dead..and Canadian.

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 * James: Maybe you could give me some marriage advice?
 * Bob: Sure. Never let a stripper clog dance near your dingle.
 * James: Are there two g's in 'dingle'?

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 * Biff: Dude, eating an entire turkey in bed was a great idea.
 * Chip: Yeah, but won't it make us sleepy?
 * Biff: Nah, not unless we hear some white noise.
 * [Hear water coming into their room and they fall asleep]

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 * Pickles: What's all that racket?
 * Bob: The kids are drowning baby.

My Name is Robbie [2.4]

 * Helga: (as other children are making a sand statue around her) I'm going through puberty. Make with the sea weed!

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 * Bob: I may not have arms and legs, but I have the one part of a man that truely matters, and it's huge.
 * Dusty: I'd like to see that.
 * Male lifeguard: Me too.

Father of the Bribe [2.5]

 * Mayor Blodsoe: Hit me in the groin with that golf club. [Mr. Kilmer hits him in the groin with the golf club] That hurts more than I thought it would


 * Helga (as the school's on fire): The candy! Someone save the CANDY!