The Princess Bride (film)

The Princess Bride is a 1987 film, based on a 1973 novel, that tells a classic fairy tale, with swordplay, giants, an evil prince, a beautiful princess, and yes, some kissing (as read by a kindly grandfather).
 * Directed by Rob Reiner and written by William Goldman.
 * See also:
 * The Princess Bride

She gets kidnapped. He gets killed. But it all ends up okay. Taglines

Westley

 * [repeated line] As you wish.
 * [to Buttercup] There is a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. It would be a pity to damage yours.
 * [After knocking out Fezzik] I don't envy you the headache you'll have when you awake. But, in the meantime, rest well...and dream of large women.

Count Rugen

 * [to Westley] I've just sucked one year of your life away. I might one day go as high as five, but I really don't know what that would do to you. So, let's just start with what we have. What did this do to you? Tell me. And remember, this is for posterity, so be honest. How do you feel? [Westley whimpers] Interesting.
 * [to Inigo] You're that little Spanish brat I taught a lesson to all those years ago. Simply incredible. Have you been chasing me all this time, only to fail now? I think that's the worst thing I've ever heard of. How marvelous.

Prince Humperdinck

 * I always think everything could be a trap...which is why I'm still alive.
 * You truly love each other, and so you might have been truly happy. Not one couple in a century has that chance, no matter what the storybooks say. And so I think that not one man in a century will suffer as greatly as you.

Miracle Max

 * The king's stinking son fired me. And thank you so much for bringing up such a painful subject. While you're at it, why don't you give me a nice paper cut and pour lemon juice on it?! WE'RE CLOSED!
 * Don't rush me, sonny. You rush a miracle man, you get rotten miracles. You got money?

This is a special book.

 * Mother: Hi, honey.
 * Grandson: Hi, Mom.
 * Mother: You feeling any better?
 * Grandson: A little bit.
 * Mother: Guess what?
 * Grandson: What?
 * Mother: Your grandfather's here.
 * Grandson: Mom, can't you tell him I'm sick?
 * Mother: You're sick, that's why he's here.
 * Grandson: He'll pinch my cheek. I hate that.
 * Mother: Maybe he won't.
 * Grandpa: Hey! How's the sickie! Heh?
 * Mother: I think I'll leave you two pals alone.
 * Grandpa: I brought you a special present.
 * Grandson: What is it?
 * Grandpa: Open it up.
 * Grandson: A book?
 * Grandpa: That's right. When I was your age, television was called books. And this is a special book. It was the book my father used to read to me when I was sick, and I used to read it to your father. And today I'm gonna read it to you.
 * Grandson: Has it got any sports in it?
 * Grandpa: Are you kidding? Fencing, fighting, torture, revenge, giants, monsters, chases, escapes, true love, miracles...
 * Grandson: Doesn't sound too bad. I'll try and stay awake.
 * Grandpa: Oh, well, thank you very much, very nice of you. Your vote of confidence is overwhelming.

That Vizzini, he can fuss.

 * Vizzini: Go!!! Once the horse reaches the castle, the fabric will make the prince suspect that the Guilderians have abducted his love. When he finds her body dead on the Guilder frontier his suspicions will be totally confirmed.
 * Fezzik: You never said anything about killing anyone?!
 * Vizzini: [angrily] I hired you to help me start a war. It's a prestigious line of work with a long and glorious tradition!
 * Fezzik: I just don't think it's right...killing an innocent girl.
 * Vizzini: Am I going mad, or did the word think escape your lips?!! You were not hired for your brains, you hippopotamic land mass!!
 * Inigo: [interrupting] I agree with Fezzik.
 * Vizzini: Oh, the sot has spoken! What happens to her is not truly your concern. I will kill her! And remember this, never forget this: [yelling] when I found you, you were so slobbering drunk, you couldn't buy brandy! [Turning to Fezzik] And you! Friendless, brainless, helpless, hopeless! Do you want me to send you back to where you were? Unemployed, in Greenland?! [walks away, angered, and sets the ship free]
 * Inigo: That Vizzini, he can fuss.
 * Fezzik: Fuss, fuss...I think he like to scream at us.
 * Inigo: Probably, he means no harm.
 * Fezzik: He's really very short on charm.
 * Inigo: You have a great gift for rhyme.
 * Fezzik: Yes, yes, some of the time.
 * Vizzini: Enough of that!
 * Inigo: Fezzik, are there rocks ahead?
 * Fezzik: If there are, we all be dead.
 * Vizzini: No more rhymes now, I mean it!
 * Fezzik: [pauses] Anybody want a peanut? [holding up a peanut]
 * Vizzini: GAAAAHHH!

You keep using that word.

 * [Vizzini cuts the rope to kill the Man in Black, but he now clings to a rock]
 * Fezzik: He's got very good arms.
 * Vizzini: He didn't fall?! Inconceivable!
 * Inigo: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means. My God, he's climbing.
 * Vizzini: Whoever he is, he has seen us with the princess and must therefore die! [to Fezzik] You, carry her. [to Montoya] We'll head straight for the Guilder Frontier. Catch up when he's dead! If he falls, fine! If not, the sword!
 * Inigo: I'm going to duel him left-handed.
 * Vizzini: You know what a hurry we're in!
 * Inigo: Well, it is the only way I can be satisfied. If I use my right, it's over too quickly.
 * Vizzini: Oh, have it your way.
 * Fezzik: You be careful. People in masks cannot be trusted.
 * Vizzini: I'm waiting!

Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. (#1)

 * Inigo: I don't mean to pry, but you don't by any chance have six fingers on your right hand?
 * The Man in Black: Do you begin all your conversations this way?
 * Inigo: My father was slaughtered by a six-fingered man. [the Man in Black removes his glove, revealing five fingers on his right hand] He was a great swordmaker, my father. When the six-fingered man appeared and requested a special sword, my father took the job. He slaved a year before it was finished. [removes sword and hands it to the Man in Black, who examines it before handing it back]
 * The Man in Black: I've never seen its equal.
 * Inigo: The six-fingered man returned and demanded it, but at 1/10th his promised price. My father refused. [sheaths sword] Without a word, the six-fingered man slashed him through the heart. I loved my father. So naturally, I challenged his murderer to a duel. I failed. The six-fingered man leave me alive...but he gave me these. [points to scars on cheeks]
 * The Man in Black: How old were you?
 * Inigo: I was 11 years old. When I was strong enough, I dedicated my life to the study of fencing. So, the next time we meet, I will not fail. I will go up to the six-fingered man and say, "Hello, my name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die."

You seem a decent fellow.

 * Inigo: You are ready, then?
 * The Man in Black: Whether I am or not, you've been more than fair.
 * Inigo: You seem a decent fellow. I hate to kill you.
 * The Man in Black: You seem a decent fellow. I hate to die.
 * Inigo: Begin.

Friendly conversation during a duel

 * Inigo: You're using Bonetti's Defense against me, huh?
 * The Man in Black: I thought it fitting, considering the rocky terrain.
 * Inigo: Naturally. You must expect me to attack with Capo Ferro!
 * The Man in Black: Naturally. But, I find that Thibault cancels out Capo Ferro. Don't you?
 * Inigo: Unless the enemy has studied his Agrippa... [does a front flip over The Man in Black and lands behind him] Which I have.

I am not left handed!

 * Inigo: You are wonderful!
 * The Man in Black: Thank you. I've worked hard to become so.
 * Inigo: I admit it, you are better than I am.
 * The Man in Black: Then why are you smiling?
 * Inigo: Because I know something you don't know.
 * The Man in Black: And what is that?
 * Inigo: I am not left-handed. [switches the sword to his other hand]
 * The Man in Black: You're amazing!
 * Inigo: I ought to be after twenty years.
 * The Man in Black: There is something I ought to tell you.
 * Inigo: Tell me.
 * The Man in Black: I'm not left-handed either. [switches the sword to his other hand, to Inigo's surprise]
 * Inigo: Who are you?
 * The Man in Black: No one of consequence.
 * Inigo: I must know.
 * The Man in Black: Get used to disappointment.
 * [Inigo shrugs]

Civilized killing, terribly comfortable masks

 * Fezzik: [after throwing a rock at the Man in Black's head] I did that on purpose. I didn't have to miss.
 * The Man in Black: I believe you. [beat] So what happens now?
 * Fezzik: We face each other as God intended; sportsmanlike. No tricks, no weapons, skill against skill alone.
 * The Man in Black: You mean...you'll put down your rock, I'll put down my sword, and we'll...try and kill each other like civilized people?
 * Fezzik: [holds up another rock] I could kill you now.
 * The Man in Black: [hesitates, but slowly places his sword on the ground] Frankly, I think the odds are slightly in your favor at hand fighting.
 * Fezzik: It's not my fault being the biggest and the strongest. [tosses rock over his shoulder] I don't even exercise.
 * The Man in Black: [charges once; no effect. Charges again and grunts/strains trying to budge Fezzik] Look, are you just fiddling around with me or what?
 * Fezzik: I just want you to feel that you're doing well. I hate for people to die embarrassed. [swings and misses] You're quick!
 * The Man in Black: Good thing too!
 * Fezzik: Why are you wearing a mask? Were you burned by acid or something like that?
 * Man in Black: Oh, no, it's just they're terribly comfortable. [Fezzik swings a punch and misses] I think everyone will be wearing them in the future.

Battle of wits

 * [The Man in Black has come upon Vizzini holding Buttercup hostage with her hands tied, blindfolded, and a dagger at her throat]
 * Vizzini: So, it is down to you, and it is down to me. If you wish her dead, by all means, keep moving forward.
 * Man in Black: Let me explain.
 * Vizzini: There's nothing to explain. You're trying to kidnap what I have rightfully stolen.
 * Man in Black: Then perhaps an arrangement can be reached?
 * Vizzini: There will be no arrangement, and you're killing her!
 * Man in Black: But if there can be no arrangement, then we are at an impasse.
 * Vizzini: I'm afraid so. I can't compete with you physically, and you're no match for my brain.
 * Man in Black: [intrigued] You're that smart?
 * Vizzini: Let me put it this way: Have you ever heard of Plato? Aristotle? Socrates?
 * Man in Black: Yes.
 * Vizzini: Morons!
 * Man in Black: Really? In that case, I challenge you to a battle of wits.
 * Vizzini: For the princess? [the Man in Black nods] To the death? [he nods again] I accept. [re-sheathes his dagger]
 * Man in Black: Good. Then pour the wine. [Vizzini pours the wine, and the Man in Black pulls out a small vial] Inhale this, but do not touch.
 * Vizzini: [sniffs] I smell nothing.
 * Man in Black: What you do not smell is called iocane powder. It is odorless, tasteless, dissolves instantly in liquid, and is among the more deadly poisons known to man. [puts the goblets behind his back and, presumably, adds the poison to one of them, then sets them down in front of him] All right. Where is the poison? The battle of wits has begun. It ends when you decide and we both drink, and find out who is right... and who is dead.
 * Vizzini: But it's so simple. All I have to do is divine from what I know of you: are you the sort of man who would put the poison into his own goblet or his enemy's? Now, a clever man would put the poison into his own goblet, because he would know that only a great fool would reach for what he was given. I am not a great fool, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of you. But you must have known I was not a great fool. You would have counted on it, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of me.
 * Man in Black: You've made your decision then?
 * Vizzini: Not remotely! Because iocane comes from Australia, as everyone knows! And Australia is entirely peopled with criminals, and criminals are used to having people not trust them, as you are not trusted by me, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of you.
 * Man in Black: Truly, you have a dizzying intellect.
 * Vizzini: Wait till I get going! Where was I?
 * Man in Black: Australia.
 * Vizzini: Yes, Australia. And you must have suspected I would have known the powder's origin, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of me.
 * Man in Black: You're just stalling now.
 * Vizzini: You'd like to think that, wouldn't you?! You've beaten my giant, which means you're exceptionally strong, so you could've put the poison in your own goblet, trusting on your strength to save you, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of you! But, you've also bested my Spaniard, which means you must have studied, and in studying you must have learned that man is mortal, so you would have put the poison as far from yourself as possible, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of me!
 * Man in Black: You're trying to trick me into giving away something. It won't work.
 * Vizzini: It has worked! You've given everything away! I know where the poison is!
 * Man in Black Then make your choice.
 * Vizzini: I will, and I choose-- What in the world can that be? [points at a rock behind the Man in Black]
 * Man in Black: What? Where? [when he turns to look, Vizzini swaps the goblets] I don't see anything.
 * Vizzini: Well, I-I could have sworn I saw something. No matter. [snickers quietly]
 * Man in Black: What's so funny?
 * Vizzini: I-I'll tell you in a minute. First, let's drink. Me from my glass, and you from yours.
 * [They drink from their goblets]
 * Man in Black: [smirks] You guessed wrong.
 * Vizzini: You only think I guessed wrong! That's what's so funny! I switched glasses when your back was turned! Ha-ha, you fool! You fell victim to one of the classic blunders! The most famous of which is "never get involved in a land war in Asia", but only slightly less well-known is this: "Never go in against a Sicilian WHEN DEATH IS ON THE LINE!" [laughs hysterically, but suddenly freezes mid-laugh and literally drops dead; the Man in Black removes Buttercup's blindfold and unties her hands]
 * Buttercup: Who are you?
 * Man in Black: I am no one to be trifled with. That is all you ever need know.
 * Buttercup: To think, all that time it was your cup that was poisoned.
 * Man in Black: They were both poisoned. I spent the last few years building up an immunity to iocane powder.

Life is pain.

 * Man in Black: Rest, Highness.
 * Buttercup: I know who you are. Your cruelty reveals everything. You're the Dread Pirate Roberts, admit it!
 * Man in Black: [bowing] With pride. What can I do for you?
 * Buttercup: You can die slowly, cut into a thousand pieces.
 * Man in Black: Tsk-tsk-tsk. Hardly complimentary, your Highness. Why loose your venom on me?
 * Buttercup: You killed my love.
 * Man in Black: It's possible. I kill a lot of people. Who was this love of yours? Another prince like this one, ugly, rich, and scabby?
 * Buttercup: No. A farm boy. Poor. Poor and perfect. With eyes like the sea after a storm. On the high seas, your ship attacked. And the Dread Pirate Roberts never takes prisoners.
 * Man in Black: I can't afford to make exceptions. Once word leaks out that a pirate has gone soft, people begin to disobey you, and then it's nothing but work, work, work all the time.
 * Buttercup: You mock my pain!
 * Man in Black: Life is pain, Highness! Anyone who says differently is selling something.

Death cannot stop true love.

 * Westley: I told you I would always come for you. Why didn't you wait for me?
 * Buttercup: Well...you were dead.
 * Westley: Death cannot stop true love. All it can do is delay it for a while.
 * Buttercup: I will never doubt again.
 * Westley: There will never be a need.
 * [They kiss]
 * Grandson: Oh, no, no, please.
 * Grandpa: What is it? What's the matter?
 * Grandson: They're kissing again. Do we have to hear the kissing part?
 * Grandpa: Someday you may not mind so much.
 * Grandson: Skip on over to the Fire Swamp. That sounded good.
 * Grandpa: Oh. You're sick, I'll humor you. So, now, where were we here? Oh, okay. Wesley and Buttercup raced along the ravine floor.

Dread Pirate Roberts, explained

 * [Westley leads Buttercup through the Fire Swamp]
 * Westley: This will all soon be but a happy memory, because Roberts' ship Revenge is anchored at the far end. And I, as you know, am Roberts.
 * Buttercup: But how is that possible, since he's been marauding twenty years and you only left me five years ago?
 * Westley: I myself am often surprised at life's little quirks. [another flame spurts out near them] You see, what I told you before about saying "please" was true. It intrigued Roberts, as did my descriptions of your beauty. Finally, Roberts decided something. He said, "All right, Westley, I've never had a valet. You can try it for tonight. I'll most likely kill you in the morning." Three years he said that. "Good night, Westley. Good work. Sleep well. I'll most likely kill you in the morning." It was a fine time for me. I was learning to fence, to fight, anything anyone would teach me. And Roberts and I eventually became friends. And then it happened.
 * Buttercup: What? Go on.
 * Westley: Well, Roberts had grown so rich, he wanted to retire. So he took me to his cabin and told me his secret: "I am not the Dread Pirate Roberts," he said. "My name is Ryan. I inherited this ship from the previous Dread Pirate Roberts, just as you will inherit it from me. The man I inherited it from was not the real Dread Pirate Roberts, either. His name was Cummerbund. The real Roberts has been retired fifteen years and living like a king in Patagonia." Then he explained the name was the important thing for inspiring the necessary fear. You see, no one would surrender to the Dread Pirate Westley. So we sailed ashore, took on an entirely new crew and he stayed aboard for awhile as first mate, all the time calling me Roberts. Once the crew believed, he left the ship and I have been Roberts ever since. Except, now that we're together, I shall retire and hand the name over to someone else. Is everything clear to you?
 * [Buttercup nods]

We are men of action. Lies do not become us.

 * Humperdinck: Surrender!
 * Westley: You mean you wish to surrender to me? Very well, I accept.
 * Humperdinck: I give you full marks for bravery. Don't make yourself a fool.
 * Westley: Ah, but how will you capture us? We know the secrets of the fire swamp. We can live there quite happily for some time, so whenever you feel like dying, feel free to visit.
 * Humperdinck: I tell you once again, surrender!
 * Westley: It will not happen.
 * Humperdinck: For the last time, surrender!
 * Westley: Death first!
 * Buttercup: Will you promise not to hurt him?
 * Humperdinck: What was that?
 * Westley: What was that?
 * Buttercup: If we surrender and I return with you, will you promise not to hurt this man?
 * Humperdinck: May I live a thousand years and never hunt again.
 * Buttercup: He is a sailor on the pirate ship Revenge. Promise to return him to his ship.
 * Humperdinck: I swear it will be done. [aside, to Rugen] Once we're out of sight, take him back to Florin and throw him in the Pit of Despair.
 * Count Rugen: I swear it will be done.
 * Buttercup: [to Westley] I thought you were dead once and it almost killed me. I could not bear it if you died again, not when I could save you.
 * [Humperdink sweeps her away on his horse]
 * Count Rugen: Come, Sir, we must get you to your ship.
 * Westley: [smiles] We are men of action. Lies do not become us.
 * Count Rugen: Well spoken, Sir...What is it, what's wrong?
 * Westley: You have six fingers on your right hand! Someone was looking for you.
 * [Rugen knocks Westley unconscious]
 * Westley: Where am I?
 * The Albino: [raspy voice] The Pit of Despair! Don't even think... [clears throat] ... don't even think about trying to escape. The chains are far too thick. Don't dream of being rescued, either; the only way in is secret. Only the Prince, the Count, and I know how to get in and out.
 * Westley: So I'm here till I die?
 * The Albino: Until they kill you, yeah.
 * Westley: Then why bother curing me?
 * The Albino: Well, the Prince and the Count always insist on everyone being healthy before they're broken.
 * Westley: So it's to be torture? [Albino nods enthusiastically] I can cope with torture. [Albino shakes head enthusiastically] Don't believe me?
 * The Albino: You survived the Fire Swamp, so you must be very brave, but no one withstands The Machine.
 * Humperdinck: She has been like that ever since the Fire Swamp. It's my father's failing health that's upsetting her.
 * Count Rugen: Of course.
 * Grandpa: The King died that very night, and before the following dawn, Buttercup and Humperdinck were married. And at noon she met her subjects again, this time as their queen.
 * Humperdinck: My father's final words were...
 * Grandson: Hold it! Hold it! Grandpa, you read that wrong. She doesn't marry Humperdinck, she marries Westley. I'm just sure of it. After all that Westley did for her, if she didn't marry him, it wouldn't be fair.
 * Grandpa: Well, who says life is fair? Where is that written? Life isn't always fair.
 * Grandson: I'm telling you, you're messing up the story! Now get it right!
 * Grandpa: Do you want me to go on with this?
 * Grandson: Yes.
 * Grandpa: All right, then, no more interruptions. At noon she met her subjects again, this time as their queen.

Rugen and Humperdinck coolly evil

 * Count Rugen: Your princess is quite a winning creature. A trifle simple, perhaps. Her appeal is undeniable.
 * Humperdinck: I know, the people are quite taken with her. It's odd, but when I hired Vizzini to have her murdered on our engagement day, I thought that was clever. But it's going to be so much more moving when I strangle her on our wedding night. Once Guilder is blamed, the nation will truly be outraged - they'll demand we go to war.
 * Count Rugen: [snickers, then examines the huge tree] Now where is that secret knot? It's impossible to find... [finds it and the tree opens to reveal the passage into the pit] Ah. Are you coming down into the pit? Wesley's got his strength back. I'm starting him on the machine tonight.
 * Humperdinck: [sincerely] Tyrone, you know how much I love watching you work...but I've got my country's 500th anniversary to plan, my wedding to arrange, my wife to murder and Guilder to frame for it; I'm swamped.
 * Count Rugen: Get some rest. If you haven't got your health, then you haven't got anything. [smiles at Prince Humperdinck] [to Wesley] Beautiful, isn't it? It took me half a lifetime to invent it. I'm sure that you've discovered my deep and abiding interest in pain. At present, I'm writing the definitive work on the subject, so I want you to be totally honest with me on how the machine makes you feel. This being our first try, I'll use the lowest setting. As you know, the concept of the suction pump is centuries old. Really, that's all this is, except that instead of sucking water, I'm sucking life. I've just sucked one year of your life away. I might one day go as high as five, but I really don't know what that would do to you, so let's just start with what we have. What did this do to you? Tell me. And remember, this is for posterity, so be honest. How do you feel? [Wesley cries] Interesting.

I would not say such things if I were you

 * Humperdinck: Ahh, my dulcet darling. Tonight, we marry. Tomorrow morning your men will escort us to Florin channel, where every ship in my armada waits to accompany us on our honeymoon.
 * Buttercup: Every ship but your four fastest, you mean. [pause] Every ship but the four you sent.
 * Humperdinck: Yes. Yes, of course. Naturally not those four.
 * Yellin: Ahem. Your majesty.
 * Buttercup: You never sent the ships. Don't bother lying. Doesn't matter. Westley will come for me anyway.
 * Humperdinck: You're a silly girl.
 * Buttercup: Yes, I am a silly girl, for not having seen sooner that you are nothing but a coward with a heart full of fear.
 * Humperdinck: I would not say such things if I were you.
 * Buttercup: Why not? You can't hurt me. Westley and I are joined by the bonds of love. And you cannot track that, not with a thousand bloodhounds. And you cannot break it, not with a thousand swords. And when I say you are a coward, that is only because you are the slimiest weakling ever to crawl the earth.
 * Humperdinck: I would not say such things if I were you! [to Westley] You truly love each other, and so you might have been truly happy. Not one couple in a century has that chance, no matter what the storybooks say. And so I think no man in a century will suffer as greatly as you will.
 * Count Rugen: Not to fifty!!!

You are the Brute Squad!

 * [Inigo and Fezzik are at Miracle Max's door]
 * Max: Go away! What? What?
 * Inigo: Are you the Miracle Max who worked for the king all those years?
 * Max: The king's stinking son fired me! And thank you so much for bringing up such a painful subject! While you're at it, why don't you give me a nice paper cut and pour lemon juice on it? We're closed! Beat it or I'll call the Brute Squad!
 * Fezzik: I'm on the Brute Squad.
 * Max: [sees Fezzik's size] You are the Brute Squad!
 * Inigo: We need a miracle. It's really important.
 * Max: Look, I'm retired! And, besides, why would you want someone the king's stinking son fired? I might kill whoever you wanted me to miracle!
 * Inigo: He's already dead!
 * Max: He is, eh? I'll take a look at him. Bring him in.

Mostly dead

 * Miracle Max: He probably owes you money, huh? Well, I'll ask him.
 * Inigo: He's dead, he can't talk.
 * Miracle Max: Woo hoo-hoo, looks who knows so much, huh? Well, it just so happens that your friend here is only "mostly dead." There's a big difference between "mostly dead" and "all dead." Please, open his mouth. [Inigo opens Wesley's mouth, so that Miracle Max can put the bellows in] Now, "mostly dead" is slightly alive. [Starts pumping air through the bellows] Now, "all dead"...well, with "all dead", there's usually only one thing you can do.
 * Inigo: What's that?
 * Miracle Max: Go through his clothes and look for loose change.

True love, to blave, and an M.L.T. sandwich

 * Miracle Max: [Shouts into Wesley's ear] Hey! Hello in there! Hey, what's so important? What you got here that's worth living for? [Presses on Wesley's chest]
 * Wesley: Truuuue looooove...
 * Inigo: True love! You heard him! You could not ask for a more noble cause than that.
 * Miracle Max: Yeah, sonny, true love is the greatest thing in the world. Except for a nice M.L.T.; a mutton, lettuce and tomato sandwich. Where the mutton is nice and lean and the tomato is ripe. [smacks lips] They're so perky, I love that. But that's not what he said! He distinctly said "to blave." And, as we all know, "to blave" means "to bluff," huh? So you're probably playing cards, and he cheated-
 * Valerie: Liar! Liar! [storms in] LIAR!
 * Miracle Max: Get back, witch!
 * Valerie: I'm not a witch, I'm your wife! But after what you just said, I'm not even sure I want to be that anymore!
 * Miracle Max: You never had it so good.
 * Valerie: True love! He said true love, Max!
 * Miracle Max: Don't say another word, Valerie!
 * Valerie: He's afraid. Ever since Prince Humperdinck fired him, his confidence is shattered.
 * Miracle Max: Why'd you say that name? You promised me that you would never say that name!
 * Valerie: What, Humperdinck? [repeats the name over and over again]
 * Miracle Max: I'm not listening!
 * Valerie: True love lies expiring, and you don't have the decency to say why you won't help!
 * Miracle Max: Nobody's hearing nothing!
 * Inigo: But this is Buttercup's true love, and if you heal him, he will stop Prince Humperdinck's wedding!
 * Miracle Max: Shut up! I make him better, Humperdinck suffers?
 * Inigo: Humiliations galore!
 * Miracle Max: [scats] That is a noble cause! Give me the sixty-five, I'm on the job!

Have fun storming the castle!

 * Valerie: Bye-bye, boys!
 * Miracle Max: Have fun storming the castle!
 * Valerie: [sotto] Think it'll work?
 * Miracle Max: [sotto] It would take a miracle.
 * Valerie/Max: [waving] Bye-bye!

Fast miracle

 * [Inigo puts Miracle Max's miracle pill into Westley's mouth]
 * Fezzik: How long do we have to wait, before we know if the miracle works?
 * Inigo: Your guess is as good as mine.
 * Westley: [opens his eyes] I'll beat you each apart! I'll take you both, together!! [Fezzik covers Westley's mouth]
 * Fezzik: I guess not very long.
 * Westley: Why won't my arms move?
 * Fezzik: You've been mostly dead all day.
 * Inigo: We had Miracle Max make a pill to bring you back.
 * Westley: Who are you? Are we enemies? Why am I on this wall? Where's Buttercup?
 * Inigo: Let me explain...No, there is too much. Let me sum up: Buttercup is marrying Humperdinck in little less than half an hour, so all we have to do is get in, break up the wedding, steal the princess, make our escape, after I kill Count Rugen.
 * Westley: That doesn't leave much time for dilly-dallying. [subconsciously wiggles his thumb]
 * Fezzik: You just wiggled your finger; that's wonderful!
 * Westley: I've always been a quick healer. What are our liabilities?
 * Inigo: There is but one working castle gate. And it is guarded by sixty men.
 * Westley: And our assets?
 * Inigo: Your brains, his strength, my steel.
 * Westley: That's it? Impossible. If I had a month to plan, maybe I could come up with something, but this... [shakes his head]
 * Fezzik: You just shook your head. That doesn't make you happy?
 * Westley: My brains, his steel, and your strength against sixty men, and you think a little head jiggle is supposed to make me happy? Hmm? I mean, if we only had a wheelbarrow, that would be something.
 * Inigo: Where did we put that wheelbarrow the albino had?
 * Fezzik: Over the albino, I think.
 * Westley: Well, why didn't you list that among our assets in the first place? [sighs] What I wouldn't give for a holocaust cloak.
 * Inigo: There, we cannot help you.
 * Fezzik: Will this do?
 * Inigo: Where did you get that?
 * Fezzik: At Miracle Max's. It fits so nice. He said that I could keep it.
 * Westley: All right, come on. Help me up. Now, I'll need a sword eventually.
 * Inigo: Why? You can't even lift one.
 * Westley: True, but that's hardly common knowledge, is it? Thank you. Now, there may be problems once we're inside.
 * Inigo: I'll say. How do I find the Count? Once I do, how do I find you again? Once I find you again, how do we escape?
 * Fezzik: Don't pester him. He's had a hard day.
 * Inigo: Right. Right. Sorry.
 * Fezzik: Inigo.
 * Inigo: What?
 * Fezzik: I hope we win.

Oh, you mean this gate key?

 * [Westley, Fezzik and Inigo have confronted Yellin at the castle gate]
 * Westley: Give us the gate key.
 * Yellin: I have no gate key.
 * Inigo: Fezzik, tear his arms off.
 * Yellin: [in desperation] Oh, you mean this gate key? [holds up gate key]

Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. (#2)

 * Count Rugen: Good heavens, are you still trying to win? You've got an overdeveloped sense of vengeance. It's going to get you into trouble someday.
 * Inigo: Hello, my name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die. [advances on Rugen, but stumbles into the table with sudden pain. Rugen attacks, but is parried; rising to his feet again] Hello, my name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die. [Rugen attacks again, Inigo parries more fiercely, gaining strength] HELLO! My name is Inigo Montoya! You killed my father! Prepare to die!
 * Count Rugen: Stop saying that! [attacking twice]
 * Inigo: [avoids and wounds Rugen in both shoulders, the same spots where he wounded him, and attacks] HELLO, MY NAME IS INIGO MONTOYA! YOU KILLED MY FATHER! PREPARE TO DIE!!! [corners Count Rugen, knocks his sword aside, and slashes his cheek, giving him a scar identical to his] Offer me money!
 * Count Rugen: Yes!
 * Inigo: Power, too, promise me that! [slashes his other cheek]
 * Count Rugen: All that I have and more! Please!
 * Inigo: Offer me everything I ask for!
 * Count Rugen: [last words] Anything you want... [knocks Inigo's sword aside and lunges, but gets his arm caught by Inigo, who stabs his sword into Rugen's stomach]
 * Inigo: [coldly] I want my father back, you son of a bitch! [drives his sword through Count Rugen and then shoves him back against the table. Rugen falls to the floor, dead]

To the pain.

 * Humperdinck: A technicality that will shortly be remedied. First things first... To the death!
 * Westley: NO! To the pain.
 * Humperdinck: [stops, taken aback] I don't think I'm quite familiar with that phrase.
 * Westley: I'll explain, and I'll use small words so that you'll be sure to understand, you warthog-faced buffoon.
 * Humperdinck: That may be the first time in my life a man has dared insult me.
 * Westley: It won't be the last. "To the pain" means the first thing you lose will be your feet, below the ankles, then your hands at the wrists. Next, your nose.
 * Humperdinck: [exasperated] And then my tongue, I suppose. I killed you too quickly the last time, a mistake I don't mean to duplicate tonight.
 * Westley: I wasn't finished! The next thing you lose will be your left eye, followed by your right-
 * Humperdinck: [losing his patience] ...And then my ears, I understand! Let's get on with it-!
 * Westley: WRONG! Your ears you keep, and I'll tell you why: So that every shriek of every child at seeing your hideousness will be yours to cherish. Every babe that weeps at your approach, every woman who cries out, "Dear God, what is that thing?" will echo in your perfect ears. That is what "to the pain" means. It means I leave you in anguish, wallowing in freakish misery forever.
 * Humperdinck: [cautious] I think you're bluffing.
 * Westley: It's possible, Pig, I might be bluffing. It's conceivable, you miserable, vomitous mass, that I'm only lying here because I lack the strength to stand. Then again...perhaps I have the strength after all. [slowly rises and points his sword directly at the prince] Drop. Your. Sword. [Humperdink immediately drops his sword] Have a seat. [Humperdink obeys] Tie him up. Make it as tight as you like.
 * Inigo: Where's Fezzik?
 * Westley: I thought he was with you.
 * Inigo: No.
 * Westley: In that case...
 * Inigo: Help him.
 * Buttercup: Why does Westley need helping?
 * Inigo: Because he has no strength.
 * Humperdinck: I knew it! I knew you were bluffing! I knew he was... bluffing.
 * Inigo: Shall I dispatch him for you?
 * Westley: Thank you, but no. Whatever happens to us, I want him to live a long life, alone with his cowardice.

Post-revenge

 * Inigo: You know, I've been in the revenge business so long, I don't know what to do with myself.
 * Westley: Have you ever considered piracy? You'd make an excellent Dread Pirate Roberts.

As you wish. (Final)

 * Grandpa: They rode to freedom and as dawn arose, Wesley and Buttercup knew that they were safe. A big wave of love swept over them, and as they reached for each other...
 * Grandson: What? What?
 * Grandpa: No, it's kissing again. You don't want to hear that.
 * Grandson: Oh, I don't mind so much.
 * Grandpa: Okay. [continues reading] Since the invention of the kiss there have been five kisses that were rated the most passionate, the most pure. This one left them all behind. The End. Now I think you ought to go to sleep.
 * Grandson: Okay.
 * Grandpa: [standing] Okay. Okay. Okay. All right. So long.
 * Grandson: Grandpa? [Grandpa stops, turns] Maybe you could come over and read it again to me tomorrow.
 * Grandpa: [smiles] As you wish.

Taglines

 * Scaling the Cliffs of Insanity, Battling Rodents of Unusual Size, Facing torture in the Pit of Despair. - True love has never been a snap.
 * It's as real as the feelings you feel
 * Heroes. Giants. Villains. Miracle Men. True Love. - Not just your basic, average, everyday, ordinary, run-of-the-mill, ho-hum fairy tale.
 * She gets kidnapped. He gets killed. But it all ends up okay.

About The Princess Bride (film)

 * OH, MY GOD! HER DRESS IS ON FIRE! SHE'S ON FIRE!!!
 * You're setting fire to Robin on the first day?! What are you, nuts? It's not like we can replace her!
 * William Goldman 12 Princess Bride Secrets Spilled by Cary "Westley" Elwes LA Weekly
 * It was in one of those cinema books as one of the greatest screenplays ever written that had never been produced.
 * Rob Reiner 12 Princess Bride Secrets Spilled by Cary "Westley" Elwes LA Weekly

Cast

 * Cary Elwes - Westley/Dread Pirate Roberts
 * Mandy Patinkin - Inigo Montoya
 * Chris Sarandon - Prince Humperdinck
 * Christopher Guest - Count Rugen
 * Wallace Shawn - Vizzini
 * André the Giant - Fezzik
 * Fred Savage - The Grandson
 * Robin Wright - Buttercup/The Princess Bride
 * Peter Falk - The Grandfather
 * Peter Cook - The Impressive Clergyman
 * Mel Smith - The Albino
 * Carol Kane - Valerie
 * Billy Crystal - Miracle Max