The Ricky Gervais Show: Podcast

The Ricky Gervais Show is a humorous audio show in the U.K. starring Ricky Gervais, Stephen Merchant, and Karl Pilkington. The show started in November 2001 on Xfm, and aired in weekly periods for months at a time throughout 2002, 2003, 2004, and mid-2005. In November 2005, the Positive Internet Company hosted the show on behalf of The Guardian as a podcast as a series of 12 shows. Throughout January and February 2006, the podcast was consistently ranked the number one podcast in the world; it may appear in the 2007 Guinness World Record for the world's most downloaded podcast, having gained an average of 261,670 downloads per episode during its first month.

Episode 6, January 9, 2006

 * Karl: The only time I wanted a wig was when I did jury duty once and it was annoying that I was sat on the jury right in front of these criminals. Everyone else has got disguises, the judges have got them wigs on.



Karl's Diary

 * Ricky: You started a diary?
 * Karl: Yeah.
 * Ricky: And, what are you gonna do? Did you... Did you keep it up, everyday?
 * Karl: Yeah just, er...
 * Ricky: Oh, can I read it, please?
 * Karl: Well, a diary's meant to be sort of...
 * Ricky: Ca-- Please can I read some out on this podcast? I... Karl?
 * Karl: Some of it, though, is only relevant to me. It's sort of...
 * Ricky: Oh, this is... Please, give me it. Oh my God.
 * Karl: I mean, this isn't... I haven't just--
 * Ricky: Look how big it is!
 * [Ricky & Stephen laugh]
 * Stephen: It's one of those desk diaries!
 * Ricky: Oh my good-- It's huge! It's about a foot long. And it's ma-- Oh, that is amazing! Imagine if Anne Frank's had been like that, as she got it out, "doofsh!" Right, everyone would have heard it clank down on the desk.
 * Karl: Yeah, but me writin's quite big, innit?
 * Ricky: Oh, look! Give us that!
 * Stephen: Oh...
 * Ricky: Give us that!
 * Stephen: Do you know... Do you know about joined-up writing? Have you heard about that?
 * Ricky: This is amazing!
 * Karl: There's no point. Sometimes you can't read it, can you? So it's best to...
 * Ricky: Right, okay, oh...
 * Karl: Look at... Look at ancient times...
 * Ricky: ...oh, look, this, oh my God, it starts on the first day. This is wonderful...
 * Going on holiday to Gran Canaria today. Woke up to the news that Tony Banks had died. There was a piece on the news about how everyone was shocked. Got me thinking about an invention that would be good...
 * [Ricky stifles laughter]
 * ...right...
 * ...a watch that counted down your life. If it says you've got three days left...
 * [Ricky stifles laughter]
 * ...go to the doctor's.
 * [Ricky & Stephen laugh]
 * Told Suzanne about invention. She said she wouldn't buy one, but she said that about the iPod.
 * [Ricky stifles laughter]
 * Stephen: How, er... And how would this device work, this watch? I mean, how would you, er... How would you know when you were about to die? Have you-- Is that a concer-- Again, not for you to worry about, presumably the boffins'd just sort that out?
 * Karl: No all I was thinkin' is that Tony Banks fella; you know, he died and everyone was shocked about it. But if you had, like, a little watch on...
 * Ricky: But, how d-- W-- You can't just say, "Wouldn't it be good?" How-- How would this work? Y-- I imagine you in the patent office, going, "Got an idea." They go, "Oh, certainly, er, Mr Pilkington, what's your idea?" "Watch that counts down your life." "Oh, how does that work?"
 * Karl: Just wear it-- Just pop it on your wrist.
 * Ricky: No, no. Not-- No, what do you mean "Just pop it on your wrist"? How does it work? "Just pop it on your wrist." Brilliant. You're an idiot.
 * Stephen: Well, it's interesting that he goes on...
 * The flight to Gran Canaria was a bit bumpy, I thought about the clock that counts down you life, again and I wondered whether it would know if you were going to die in a disaster.
 * [Ricky laughs]
 * ...now, he's querying his own inventions.
 * Ricky: He's wondering if he'd know...
 * [Ricky laughs]
 * Stephen: Er...
 * A fella on the plane was reading Koi Mag. It was a fishing magazine. I glanced over and noticed he was reading the "Pond Of The Month" article...
 * [Ricky laughs]
 * ...don't think they could make it into a weekly magazine.
 * Stephen: Well I've seen someone on a train reading Carp Monthly, a magazine dedicated entirely to carp. And it had "Carp Of The Month". And, I remember thinking about three months in, the editor must be stressing, "Have we got anymore carp?"
 * Ricky: I reckon if they used the same carp twice, no-one would make any complaints. "OOh that's the carp they used two years ago"
 * Stephen:
 * There was a really fat bloke on the plane...
 * [Ricky laughs]
 * ...he was playing on a PSP. While I was waiting to go to the toilet, I looked at what game he was playing. It was darts. He's that fat and lazy...
 * [Ricky laughs]
 * ...he can't play a more active game on a games console.
 * [Ricky laughs and claps]
 * Me and Suzanne got off the coach along with a couple of old people. One of them was in a wheelchair. I don't think it was wise of them to come to a volcanic island with a wheelchair...
 * [Ricky laughs]
 * ...everywhere's pretty rough paving and sloping. Guess I'll keep an eye on it as the weeks go on.


 * Day 2 in Gran Canaria...
 * Ricky: Brilliant, we're only at day 2!
 * Stephen:
 * ...the hotel's a bit odd, I've never seen as many cross-eyed people in one location...
 * [Ricky laughs]
 * Karl: That's enough innit?
 * Ricky: Amazing!
 * Stephen: You may as well let me read on a bit more...
 * Ricky: This is amazing... This is a brilliant diary, this might be the best diary ever written.
 * Stephen:
 * '...While I sat listening to The Kinks on my iPod, I wondered if everybody thinks in their accent. I know I do.
 * What's this? What are you talking about?
 * Karl: Well I was sitting there on me lounger...
 * Ricky: How do you know you think in your accent? Tell me a typical thought
 * Karl: Because, because, what I mean is, say if I was like, if I saw something, right? D'you know how I say "that's a bit weird, innit?"?
 * Ricky: No, but, I don't, ha... when you think I don't think the sentence as like I'm saying it, it's just a thought, the thought appears, it's conceptual and it's already there. It's not like I go, "Rick?" "What?" "Just err... looking at that fella over there were you?" "Yeah, I was yeah. Erm, I was think he looked a bit weird" "Oh, so was I", I don't think out whole sentences...
 * Stephen: Whereas, you have, "Karl? Karl? Karl? Stop listening to The Kinks for a minute. Look over there, more cross-eyed people"
 * Karl: Well, that's...
 * Stephen: Is that how your mind works?
 * Karl: In a way, yeah
 * Ricky: Brilliant
 * Stephen: That explains a lot!
 * Ricky: It's great, he has to think out whole sentences!
 * Karl: I thought "that's weird innit?" not "that's weird isn't it?" and I thought "I actually think in my accent" and then I thought "Does Stephen Hawking, does he, when he's doin' his maths and that, does he..." I don't know where he's from so I don't know what he's accent is like
 * Ricky: I think he's from err... Kent, or Cambridge, or Oxford or somewhere.
 * Karl: Right. So...
 * Stephen: So you think he might think in his accent?
 * Karl: In his voice... in that voice thing...
 * Stephen: Computer...?
 * Had lunch inside today due to shite weather. Sat next to an old fella. Old peoples ears and noses carry on growing as they get older. Suzanne noticed his fingers were fat too. Maybe they continue to grow. Suzanne didn't laugh when I said her arse had the same problem...
 * [Ricky laughs]
 * ...Day 3, cloudy start to the day. Had pie and chips in a cafe. Had a bit of an argument with Suzanne when I said it was daft we were paying for food when we were on an all inclusive holiday. Changed my mind when I saw they sold pie though. The cafe we were in was called Tattoos, the fella who owned it didn't have any tattoos, but we never saw his wife.
 * [Ricky laughs]
 * Ricky: Oh, brilliant
 * Stephen:
 * Had a drink in a bar, everyone sat and watched one of the local cats lick its bollocks.
 * [Ricky laughs]
 * Ricky: It's the greatest holiday in the world! Have they no entertainment in that town?
 * Stephen:
 * Went back to the hotel and had a sleep before tea...
 * I love the fact... you're moaning about old people but you're just as bad
 * [Ricky, Stephen laugh]
 * Ricky: You've done nothing so far!
 * Stephen: He's done nothin' an' he's got to have a kip!
 * Woke up to news about ducks being badly treated. There was a really ugly one with bent legs.
 * [Ricky laughs]
 * Ricky: I'm gonna die! I'm gonna die! Why does he write this down?! Oh, God, oh
 * Stephen:
 * There was a fat bloke from Bolton, who is in the pool as I write this. He's got a big tattoo on his back but I can't work out what it is... he just got out of the pool and burped.
 * Just felt like you had to keep us abreast of that?
 * [Ricky laughs]
 * Ricky: Everything's in the diary! I just want it to get to the point where you go: "Breathed in, breathed out again"
 * Stephen:
 * There was a big fat fella in the sea who kept his T-shirt on. If you're big and fat, is there more chance of you getting burnt because there is more of you on show? I asked Suzanne, and she said she "didn't know" in that sort of not listening kind of way. I wanted to hang around and see if the fat bloke was going to get in the kayak...
 * [Ricky laughs]
 * '...but Suzanne said we had to head back.''
 * So we're waiting to see if he's gonna capsize?
 * We go home today, so we got up early to get the last bit of cloud.
 * Karl: It's that it wasn't er... it wasn't sunny all the time. I was sat in weather that, if it was like that here, there's no way I'd be sat in the garden. But because you're on holiday you've got to sit in it, put your coat on.
 * Stephen: So are you gonna continue to write this dairy?
 * Karl: Yeah
 * Ricky: It's amazing, keep this diary up. It's amazing
 * Karl: No, no I will. I will keep it up...




 * Karl: And... Jimmy 'The Hat', who...
 * Steve: "Jimmy 'The Hat'"?
 * Karl: Yeah.
 * Steve: And did he always wear a hat?
 * Karl: No he didn't... that... that was the point there. That he never wore a hat.
 * Ricky: That's amazing!
 * Steve: Brilliant.
 * Ricky: How can you pick up on someone never wearing a hat!?



Episode 5, April 4, 2006

 * Ricky: What would you do, though, if you was swimming, right, it was a nice little thing... you're on holiday, right? And there's this octopus there, and you're goin' round, right? And you see it start spittin' at you, poison?
 * Karl: Yeah...
 * Ricky: What would you say?
 * Karl: ...well it's too late then, I'd kick it...and I'd say, "knob-'ead". But what's the point? What's the point in gettin' annoyed? 'Cause it's, it's done it's stuff, ennit?
 * Ricky: I like the way he's kickin' it and callin' it a "knob-'ead"! Under the water! What is this octopus thinking?! Ohh, God! Oh, G- I'd go, "You fuckin' eight-legged shit"...
 * Karl: Not bothered, I'm not bothered, I don't know why you're sayin'...
 * Ricky: ..."You fuckin'...fuckin' cunt of a mollusc"...
 * Karl: ...it'd just spit at you again, it's not bothered.
 * Ricky: ..."You slimy, little fuckin' boneless wanker"...
 * Stephen: Are you still talking to the octopus?

Episode 1, August 22, 2006

 * Ricky: Hello, and welcome back to the first in the third series of the Ricky Gervais Show. With me, Ricky Gervais, Stephen Merchant...
 * Stephen: Hello there.
 * Ricky: ...and the fool, the round-headed buffoon, that is... Karl Pilkington.
 * Karl: A'right.
 * Ricky: We've been away filming our second series of Extras, leaving Karl to his own devices, in a sweltering London. We've had a heatwave here in the capital city, haven't we, Karl?
 * Karl: It's been hot yeah.
 * Ricky: It's been up to a hundred degrees, record breaking temperatures.
 * Karl: Yeah.
 * Ricky: So, what you been doing though?
 * Karl: Sort of enjoyed it a little bit, was out and about...
 * Ricky: Yeah?
 * Karl: ...gettin' to see the place, having loads of walks walks an' that, I like to have walks...
 * Stephen: Like a dog.
 * Ricky: [laughs] Yeah, when he jumps off the couch, and starts scratching against the door...
 * Stephen: Suzanne thinks "It's time for a walk"




 * Ricky: So, while we've been filming a TV show, you've been watching insects.
 * Karl: Yeah, 'cause everybody knows the insects are out there, but no-ones keeping an eye on 'em.
 * Stephen: Why, what are they up to? What are you worried about?
 * Karl: Well, Steve, you wouldn't be laughin' like that, if you'd watch 'em, 'cause they do some weird stuff an' that, is what I mean.
 * Stephen: What sort of stuff, any examples?.
 * Karl: Err, I saw a bee have ' heart-attack.
 * [Ricky, Stephen laugh]
 * Stephen: You saw a bee have a heart-attack?
 * Karl: Yep.
 * Stephen: How were you sure it was a heart-attack?
 * Karl: 'Cause what happened...
 * Ricky: Did it clutch its chest with all six legs?
 * Karl: No, I...
 * Stephen: Were there little bee paramedics?
 * Karl: No, I'd just been out in the park anyway, just looking at caterpillars knocking about, all the butterflies an' stuff...
 * Ricky: [laughs] So, when Susanne goes to work, she goes, "Karl, don't you waste the day, just 'cause you don't work at the radio station anymore, I want you to do some constructive stuff", and you go, "Yeah, I am, yeah." So, in your head, suddenly goes, [whistles tune]. And he goes out, and, "Ooh, there's a moth."



Karl's Poem No.1: "If Moths Had Eyes"

 * Karl:
 * If moths had eyes, would they be happier?
 * How do they know they're not dead?
 * Cavemen hunting for food,
 * But not before they style the hair on their head
 * What would last longer in dinosaur times?
 * A blind man didn't stand a chance. Not with all them rocks about
 * I'd rather be a blind moth



Karl's Poem No.2: "Bubbled Wallpaper"

 * Karl:
 * Bubbled wallpaper, what a mess
 * Washer dryer knackered, what a mess
 * Siamese twins separated, one leg less



Karl's Poem No.3: "Jellyfish"

 * Karl:
 * I don't like jellyfish, they’re not a fish, they're just a blob
 * They don’t have eyes, fins or scales like a cod
 * They float about blind, stinging people in the seas
 * And no one eats jellyfish with chips and mushy peas
 * Get rid of them



Karl's Poem No.4: "Jellyfish" No.2

 * Karl:
 * It would be spiteful
 * To put jellyfish in a trifle



Karl's Poem No.5: "Belly Ache"

 * Karl:
 * For God's sake, me belly ache
 * The doctor said it’s me kidney
 * He said he’s got to stick a tube up me knob
 * I said you got to be kidding me
 * For God's sake, knob ache.



Episode 5, September 19, 2006

 * Stephen: Well, I don't know about you, Rick, but I would love to see, perhaps on the Web, it's very easy to put stuff on webpages now...some kind of illustration, computer-generated, could be drawn by hand, of the new model Karl. Bear in mind, people, that he's got testicles underneath his ears...
 * Ricky: And a big thumbnail on his forehead.
 * Stephen: ...big thumbnail on his forehead.
 * Ricky: And, talking of Karl, I wanna see his head everywhere, it's the roundness that I like, okay, so, do a viral campaign, anyone out there with a picture of Karl, just get it everywhere. 'Cause I want, eventually, everyone to...as they walk past him in the street, to shout, "You shaved monkey!", or, "look at that bald head!", or, "look at fuckin' coco-nut face, you got a head like a fuckin' orange!".



Karl's Poem No.6: "My Ward"

 * Karl:
 * Me, a Chinese fella and an old bloke,
 * Who looked like Mr Burns from 'The Simpsons',
 * Don't know what was wrong with him,
 * But breaking wind was the symptoms.


 * No one visited him or called him.
 * He seemed quite lost to me.
 * As well as wind problems,
 * He had a colostomy.


 * When I left,
 * I said "see ya" to the old man.
 * Turned out the other fella wasn't Chinese,
 * He was from Japan.


 * I never found out what was up with him.



Part III: Christmas, December 25, 2006

 * Karl: You won't get anything done by planning.