The Ricky Gervais Show: XFM Radio

The Ricky Gervais Show is a humorous audio show in the U.K. starring Ricky Gervais, Stephen Merchant, and Karl Pilkington. The show started in November 2001 on Xfm, and aired in weekly periods for months at a time throughout 2002, 2003, 2004, and mid-2005. In November 2005, the Positive Internet Company hosted the show on behalf of The Guardian as a podcast as a series of 12 shows. Throughout January and February 2006, the podcast was consistently ranked the number one podcast in the world; it may appear in the 2007 Guinness World Record for the world's most downloaded podcast, having gained an average of 261,670 downloads per episode during its first month.

Birds With Knobs

 * Stephen: Right, this is one I'm throwing right at you, Karl, err. There's only one bird that has a penis. Which bird is it?
 * Ricky: It's not a joke?
 * Stephen: No, it's not a joke, this is not a joke. It's a genuine trivia question.
 * Ricky: Ok, I'd say... I'll say, I think I've seen one on this, er, is it an ostrich?
 * Stephen: Right, you're going for ostrich, Karl?
 * Karl: I'll go for ostrich as well.
 * Stephen: Right... did you come up with that yourself?
 * Karl: Yep, I was gonna way that before he said it.
 * Stephen: Right. Well, guys you went for...
 * Karl: [Chicken?]
 * Stephen: ...ostrich, you're both wrong. It's actually the swan.
 * Ricky: [laughs] Chicken!
 * Stephen: [laughs] Yer!
 * Ricky: That's a bit worrying then, because I thought I saw an ostrich penis, so what was I looking at?
 * Stephen: I dont know, were you just examining it closely at the zoo?
 * Ricky: No, I was just, I was just...
 * Stephen: It was probably a strap-on.
 * Ricky: It was probably two lezzer ostriches giving each other one.
 * Stephen: Exactly.
 * Ricky: And that's how it can influence, things like that, dirty, filthy lezz ostriches can...
 * Stephen: Confuse a child, if he's at the zoo, and he doesn't know.
 * Ricky: A swan's got a...? That's really annoying, I'd never give a swan a knob.
 * Stephen: Hmm.
 * Ricky: It's the poofiest of all birds.
 * Stephen: It is the poofiest of all birds.
 * Ricky: "Oh, I'm protected by the Queen, but I need a knob." I'd give... if I had to give a knob to any bird, um...
 * Stephen: [laughs] Good question.
 * Ricky: [No!]
 * Stephen: No, I wish I'd posed that myself: If you could give a knob to any bird, what would it be? Phone in.
 * Ricky: Vulture!
 * Stephen: Well of course a vulture.
 * Ricky: They need a cock.
 * Stephen: What about yourself, Karl? If you could give a knob to any bird? And don't make it rude!
 * Ricky: It's gotta be a bird of prey or something like that hasn't it?
 * Karl: Just a robin, really.
 * Stephen: [laughs] That would have been amazing...
 * Ricky: [laughs] Yeah!
 * Karl: Christmas cards would be like...
 * Ricky: Yeah, but it's a normal human sized knob... on a robin. That would be great wouldn't it.
 * Stephen: That would be genius.
 * Ricky: And the other thing annoying about this, this is ironic, right, now, the male of all bird species are usually, they're called a "cock"...
 * Stephen: Yes.
 * Ricky: ...but the only bird with a cock...
 * Stephen: Yep.
 * Ricky: ...is called a "cob"!
 * Stephen: Is that what a swan's called?
 * Ricky: Yeah, they're cob and pen, not cock and hen!
 * Stephen: Right.
 * Ricky: And he's isn't a cock, but he's got a cock!
 * Stephen: Yeah, yeah, quick query there rick...
 * Ricky: Go on...
 * Stephen: When you said, then, "cock", presumably you meant male bird, the first time you said it.
 * Ricky: Yeah.
 * Stephen: The second time you said it, you said "cock", do you mean the penis?
 * Ricky: Well, you're showing off the whole farse of radio broadcasting...
 * Stephen: Because you're not really allowed to say "cock" when you mean penis.
 * Ricky: Exactly, no. One cock would cause great offence...
 * Stephen: Yeah...
 * Ricky: ...the other cock's fine.
 * Stephen: [laughs] Exactly.
 * Ricky: It's weird isn't it?
 * Stephen: It is strange, it is strange! So if I said now to you now, "Ooh, I like cocks"...
 * Ricky: Yeah...
 * Stephen: ...meaning birds...
 * Ricky: Yeah, that's fine.
 * Stephen: But if it meant penises it would be a problem.
 * Ricky: If you like...
 * Stephen: Right, Karl, do you like cocks?...
 * [Ricky stifles laughter]
 * ...Do you like cocks?
 * Karl: No.
 * Stephen: Right, ok, no that's fine, that's fine, I was asking if you liked...
 * Ricky: No, I like you know...
 * Stephen: Well I mean, I'm a big fan of, um, tits...
 * Ricky: ...the small birds that come down and peck at your...
 * Stephen: ...yeah.
 * Ricky: Yeah, you like tits and cocks, there's nothing wrong with... Karl, don't worry. There's nothing wrong with saying "tits" and "cocks".
 * Stephen: Because when I said "tits" I meant the little birds...
 * Ricky: Yeah.
 * Stephen: ...and when I say "cocks" I mean the big birds.
 * Ricky: Yeah. Do you know, when um... [laughs]
 * Stephen: Go on, no, go on...
 * Ricky: No, it's just that when you were talking about tits...
 * Stephen: Yeah?
 * Ricky: You know, at the milk... do you... they... I like the fact that they flutter away when they hear the milkman coming.
 * Karl: Argh, come on!
 * Ricky: What?
 * Stephen: What you talking about? What are you talking about? No, when the milkman's coming...

Look At Karl's Face

 * Ricky: Gotta apologise to our producer there, because he was worried about... there was nothing wrong with it, it's just like saying you, you know, you like watching birds in the garden...
 * Karl: It's just i think you're better than that.
 * Ricky: I know, it's cheap isn't it to say like, I like tits, or I like cocks, so we're gonna be a bit more literary now, one of my favorite things is "Fanny by Gas Light".
 * Stephen: Really?
 * Ricky: Yes.
 * Stephen: That's interesting, I'm a big fan of "Moby Dick".
 * Ricky: Oh, the, oh yeah, the book, "Moby Dick", not the medical condition, there's nothing inuendal, no it's the big horrible thing that used to swallow sea-men. No I, in the winter, Steve...
 * Stephen: Yeah...
 * Ricky: Steve... there's nothing I like more than to keep my hands in a warm muff.
 * Stephen: No, sure, sure, you mean those kind of furry things that, you know classy looking ladies used to have...
 * Ricky: Yeah, posh ladies, often put their hands in... you know, when you have a nice, like party...
 * Stephen: A winter party, yeah.
 * Ricky: And you might take the wrong hat or something, there's nothing I like more than to see two posh women with their hands in each other's muffs, and they're going, "Oh, this must be yours"!
 * Stephen: Yeah, that is always funny.
 * Ricky: Yeah, um, but, seriously, stop this, I've got a philosophy degree...
 * Stephen: I've just rememberd that my favorite Beatle's song is "Come Together".
 * Ricky: Yeah, now, we're gonna stop this now, Karl, because it's childish, you're right, I've got a philosophy degree, for Christ's sake, and it's about time...
 * Stephen: Who's your favorite philosopher, do you mind me askin'?
 * Ricky: Well, I would tell you, except, when I ever talk about it I always go into a cockney accent, it... it can be like "My favorite philosopher, I like a bit of Kant".
 * Stephen: Right... is that Emanuel Kant? The philosopher.
 * Ricky: Yeah.
 * Stephen: That's strange.
 * Ricky: Yeah.
 * Stephen: What's his surname again?
 * Ricky: "Kant"
 * Stephen: Oh yeah, yeah, that can be weird, can be strange.
 * Ricky: Look at Karl's face...
 * Stephen: Look at his face...
 * Ricky: Look at his face!
 * Stephen: Join in, Karl, undo your trousers, just let it all hang out, let your cock hang out.
 * Ricky: We'll be like Stan Boardman, when he told the Fokker joke.
 * Stephen: Yeah!
 * Ricky: We won't do local radio again for 10 years.

Nudism

 * Ricky: Hold on, can you have a naked transvestite? What are you then?
 * Stephen: Yeah. I suppose you're er...
 * Ricky: When Eddie Izzard's naked, is he a naked transvestite?
 * Stephen: That's a metaphorical... er, metaphysical question.
 * Ricky: Yeah!
 * Stephen: Yeah.
 * Ricky: On XFM 104.9!
 * [Ricky laughs]
 * Stephen: If you know the answer to that metaphysical question, or indeed any of the famous ones... If a tree falls in the forest and no-one hears it, has it fallen over?
 * [Ricky, Stephen laugh]
 * Claire: Genius!
 * Ricky: Brilliant, that's brilliant!
 * Stephen: Yeah...
 * Ricky: What's the sound...
 * Stephen: ...If you leave the room, Rick, does it get quieter?
 * Ricky: Yeah! What's the sound of one leg hopping?
 * Stephen: [chuckles] Exactly!

Sold!

 * Ricky: Well, Karl, you're well chuffed aren't you? Tell Steve what just happened.
 * Karl: Steve's just rung up, he's put in an offer for the futon and the table. I think he definitely wanted it, but I said, "Look, you know, think about it over the weekend."
 * Ricky: Yep
 * Stephen: You're not a hustler?
 * Karl: Nope, I'm not gonna rush him into it, 'cause once he's got it he can't bring it back, I'm not messing about.
 * Stephen: No
 * Karl: Erm...
 * Ricky: The bloke said, "What sort of wood is it?", Karl said, "Er, sort of... sort of like a light brown colour", he went, "What, beech coloured?", Karl went, "Depends what beach you're on."

Have they read Shakespeare?

 * Karl: We've got, ehhhm, the- the monkey s- thing.
 * Ricky: "OOH Chimpanzee That!"
 * Karl: And when I was out last Sunday, right, at Johnny's birthday party--
 * Ricky: Yeah.
 * Karl: Steve was there--
 * Ricky: Yeah.
 * Karl: Got talkin' about stuff. Ehm, and a debate... that we didn't really finish... cropped up.
 * Steve: It blew your mind, didn't it?
 * Karl: Amazing.
 * Ricky: Oh, I know about this. Steve told me. This is the, uh, infinite amount of monkeys, uhm, or a monkey with a typewriter and an infinite amount of time would eventually come up with the works of Shakespeare.
 * Karl: Yeh.
 * Ricky: There was no debate. It's a philosophical, mathematical problem. There's no debate. It's true.
 * Karl: It wouldn't happen.
 * Ricky: No, listen Karl, listen. Infinity sorts it all out for ya... right. An infinite amount of monkeys at a typewriter, right- they would do- they would do everything. They'd type everything. Infinity just sorts it all out for ya. There's no gettin' to it and they're going, "Oh, well, let's have a look what they've done. This one's come close - he has 'Romeo and Juliop".
 * [Steve Laughs Slightly]
 * Ricky: It would do it all. It would type everything ever possible, conceivable. It--
 * Karl: Yeah but--
 * Ricky: It's a mathematical- infinity--
 * Steve: Well, we've heard your side of the argument, Rick--
 * [Ricky Laughs]
 * Steve: And I'll be honest with you, it's a persuasive one. But, let's hear Karl--
 * [Ricky Laughs]
 * Steve: Because he heard about this in a pub last week--
 * Ricky: Yeah, what's your problem?
 * Steve: So, he's got some strong ideas himself.
 * Ricky: What's your problem with it? What's your problem with it?
 * Karl: Well, f- first of all, right, you're saying it's a load of monkeys, it's not just one monkey that's- that can live forever.
 * Ricky: It depends. It- no, no, no, wait, wait... It's either a- a chimpanzee with a typewriter with an infinite amount of time, he would eventually, by definition, mathematically, type everything ever possible, okay, or it's an infinite amount of m- uhm, uh, chimps with typewriters and one of them will type it first time.
 * Karl: But already that's- that's, sort of... That's not right. You either need to have one--
 * Ricky: What do you mean?
 * Karl: Monkey--
 * Ricky: What- what- l-l- employment laws?
 * Steve: Let- let's hear his point.
 * Ricky: What do you mean, "it's not right"?!
 * Steve: Let's hear him out. Please.
 * Ricky: Okay.
 * Karl: If it's one monkey--
 * Ricky: Yeah.
 * Karl: With a typewriter that's got loads of ink in it and that, right, at least it knows what it's done in the past...
 * Ricky: Don't- it's not--
 * Steve: Keep going!
 * Ricky: Chri--
 * Karl: If you got a load of monkeys- it's like- it's like if you have too many- what's that saying about "too many chefs spoil the--"
 * Ricky: "Too many chimps spoil the soup."
 * Karl: Right, well it's the same thing. It's like, "Well I didn't tell ya to put salt in it. I was gonna put salt in it." and it messes it up. Whereas if it's just one, they know what's gone on. So what I'm saying is--
 * Ricky: I- I- I- I--
 * Steve: Just leave him go.
 * Ricky: I can't be bothered, Steve--
 * Steve: I want to hear- I want to hear the rest.
 * Ricky: I- i- this blows my mind. He doesn't know what this does to me. It's a mathematical problem--
 * Steve: I want to hear the rest.
 * Karl: Well, it's just- I just don't think it will happen.
 * Ricky: What do you mean you don't think it would happen? Infinity works it out for ya. By definition!
 * Karl: Well, what's stopping them typing the same thing again?
 * Ricky: They would. They'd- in fact, the problem should be, if you have an infinite amount, uh, uh, of time that, um, it would type the works of Shakespeare an infinite amount of times and everything else an infinite amount of times. But, you know, that's not- that's just- that's- that's not as--
 * Karl: But not... not Shakespeare.
 * Ricky: OHHHHHHH! SHUT UP, YOU IDIOT!
 * Steve: You know- Rick, do you know what he said to me? I said to him, uh- I explained it to him, I said--
 * Ricky: God!
 * Steve: "You've got an infinite number of monkeys, infinite number of typewriters, they will type the complete works of Shakespeare."
 * Ricky: Yeah.
 * Steve: He said, "Have they read Shakespeare?"
 * [Ricky Laughs]
 * Ricky: YOU'RE AN IDIOT! Play a record because I'm not having this conversation.
 * Steve: I said, "No, they're not doing it from memory--"
 * Ricky: I'm not havin' it because it (Slapping the Desk) really, really winds me up.
 * Karl: But you're saying they'll do it with no spelling errors?
 * Ricky: Wh- they'll do it a- a- they'll do it an infinite amount of times. And they'll do it- they'll do it wrong an infinite amount of times. And they'll do it- and they'll spell, uhh, the last full stop, uhh, wrong an infinite amount of times and they'll do it- and they'll get one thing wrong in "Hamlet" wrong an infinite amount of times. They'll do everything an infinite amount of times.
 * Karl: But are they going off a story that they've already--
 * Ricky: PLAY A RECORD, Karl because I'm gonna knock you out!
 * [Steve Giggles]
 * Karl: I'm just saying...
 * Ricky: SHUT UP!
 * Karl: Do they know the story?
 * Ricky: Aww G--
 * Steve: They're monkeys!
 * Ricky: Oh, Christ. Right, okay, shut up--

Daytime TV & Innovations

 * Stephen: Another thing is the.. anything like Claims Direct
 * Ricky: Oh, yeah
 * Stephen: Reconstructions of an accident, like tripping over a paving slab, one particularly chilling one of guy who's with his kid watching football. He's thinking, "Wish I could join in". There's a flashback of him up a ladder, on a very shiny surface, with no one supporting it, frankly.
 * Ricky: Oh, no. He's just asking for trouble
 * Stephen: Frankly, I blame him.
 * Ricky: Yeah
 * Stephen: The ladder topples for no reason, wind lets say, whenever I see it...
 * Ricky: I hope he never walks again.
 * Stephen: He falls off it, erm...
 * Ricky: Did he smash his face in? ...
 * [Stephen laughs]
 * ...did he fall on a spike? Because if he's gonna go up that ladder on a shiny surface, with no one holding it, right? Did he fall... did he crack... did he fall backwards on his head? The little f...
 * [Claire Sturgess laughs]
 * Stephen: Worse still, Gervais.
 * Ricky: Did he do the splits and crush his nuts? The f...
 * Stephen: Worse... than that...
 * Ricky: Go on.
 * Stephen: He made a considerable lump sum of cash. Thanks to...
 * Ricky: Aarrrgh... God. Oooh, no!
 * Stephen: Right? His negligence has...
 * Ricky: Hold on, Steve. Was there a yokel with a pitch-fork looking up as he fell on it?
 * Stephen: Nothing.
 * Ricky: Oooh, for f...
 * [Claire Sturgess laughs]
 * Stephen: I think he must have bruised his ankle, or...
 * Ricky: Oh, that's not enough, that hasn't taught him anything!
 * Stephen: It hasn't taught him a lesson, if anything, it's taught him to be more foolhardy in the future. 'Cause if you're gonna give out 5...3...5 grand, willy-nilly, to these... people... these lunatics... these oafs... these simpletons...
 * [Gervais giggles]

Episode 41, June 7, 2003

 * [The Flaming Lips' Fight Test]
 * Stephen: The Flaming Lips, and that's Fight Test
 * Ricky: Lips and Test...
 * Stephen: Lips Test
 * Ricky: ...on M
 * Stephen: We were talking there about homosexual people, and I'm sure we'll move on to other topics. Erm, but I'll just mention, I was talking to a friend of mine in the week. And he overheard, er, you know, you piece together, sometimes if you overhear a conversation you can piece together what they're talking about?
 * Ricky: Yeah
 * Stephen: And, erm, it sort of transpired from what he could make out, that one gay guy had just realised, or just found out, that his gay boyfriend had, er, maybe been having an affair. And was on the phone, erm, and had called this person, the third party...
 * Ricky: The other one was crying, wasn't he?
 * Stephen: The other one was crying, in tears. Obviously they had just had a big argument about it. And all he heard, on the phone, was the guy saying, in very kind of earnest tones, "I'm gonna do everything in my power to destroy you"...
 * [Ricky giggles;Stephen laughs]
 * ...And I just like to think what that was.
 * Ricky: "No more guest-list, to G-A-Y"
 * Stephen: ...G-A-Y" Er, "I'm going to slash your Diesel jeans, with a pair of scissors"!
 * Ricky: What if they're listening now?
 * Stephen: It's probably an emotional time for them
 * Ricky: They probably don't realise we're talking about them, it's probably happened quite a lot this week!

Episode 48, July 26, 2003

 * Karl: As long as you say something good about someone you can always say something bad about someone.
 * Stephen: How does that work?!
 * Ricky: Go on then. Give us an example.
 * Karl: Well, Chinese.
 * Ricky: Yeah.
 * Karl: Yeah.
 * Ricky: Yeah.
 * Karl: Great people, right?
 * [Ricky sniggers]
 * Ricky: Good.
 * Karl: Women, women really good looking, as younger people.
 * Ricky: NOOOOOOOOOOOO, WHAT ARE YOU DOING!!?
 * Karl: I'm just sayin', as long as you, you know what I mean there's good and bad in everything.
 * Ricky: Well, what are the old ones like?!
 * Karl: They, they don't age well!
 * Ricky: OHHFFFFFF-
 * Stephen: What do you mean?
 * Ricky: Agh!
 * Karl: The fella in Karate Kid - the teacher, was only about 36!
 * [Ricky and Steve laugh]
 * Ricky: [whilst laughing] we started this, we started this!
 * Karl: Fact.

= Season III =

Episode 1, November 1, 2003

 * [REM's What's The Frequency Kenneth?]
 * Ricky: What's the frequency, Kenneth? I'll tell you, it's 104.9 XFM. I'm Ricky Gervais, and with me, Stephen Merchant, and Karl Pilkington. [imitates American accent] Karl "The User" Pilkington...
 * Stephen: Just takes, takes, takes...
 * Ricky: ...takes, takes, takes. Destroyed a man...
 * [Gervais, Merchant giggle]
 * ...over to you, Steve.
 * [Merchant laughs]
 * Stephen: You should talk like that more. It's both cool and sexy.

Episode 5, November 29, 2003

 * Stephen: I've got another fact for you, Karl, might be of interest to you, the final one: The Ancient Babylonians... Had...
 * Karl: Ca...
 * Stephen: What?
 * Karl: Can I just stop you there? What's a "Babylonian"?
 * [Ricky laughs]
 * Ricky: My heads gonna burst! What do you mean "What's a Babylonian?"?
 * Karl: I've never heard of one before.
 * Ricky: Well, think, work it out... what's an Evertonian?
 * Karl: Someone... fro... who supports Everton...
 * Ricky: Well, or from...?
 * Karl: From Liverpool.
 * Ricky: Right. So, what's a Babylonian?
 * Karl: From Baba...
 * [Ricky laughs]

Episode 6, December 6, 2003

 * Stephen: We get e-mails all the time, they're coming through... a lot of 'em, everybody's contributing, it's brilliant. But we can't absorb everything, there's too much coming through. So, I tend to open them quickly, I have a look to see if there's anything we can sort of, make sense of and... sometimes Karl looks at the e-mails as I'm opening them. One opened just a minute ago... did you... you saw his face?
 * Ricky: Yeah, what was it?
 * Stephen: His face was just stunned, absolutely dumbfounded...
 * Ricky: Yeah, what was it?
 * Stephen: It was like he'd just seen something extraordinary, right?
 * Ricky: And you closed it quickly...
 * Stephen: I did close it quickly, I'll tell you why. Always gotta bear in mind how Karl's mind works, er... all he saw... was the name of the band... that this e-mail was promoting...
 * Ricky: Right...
 * Stephen: ...so all he saw, all Karl saw... imagine how excited he was... "Half-man, Half-biscuit"
 * [Ricky laughs]
 * ...that's... that's all he saw...
 * [Ricky laughs]
 * Ricky: I've never seen anyone so excited! Oh, God!