The Simpsons/Season 10

The Simpsons (1989–present) is an American animated sitcom broadcast by the Fox Broadcasting Company created by Matt Groening. The series is a satirical depiction of American life, epitomized by the Simpson family.

Lard of the Dance

 * Ralph: And the doctor told me that both my eyes were lazy, and that's why it was the best summer ever!
 * Ms. Hoover: Thank you, Ralph. Now take your seat. [Ralph exits the classroom]
 * Nelson: [offscreen] Hey Blindy, have a nice trip!
 * Ralph: Aah!
 * Nelson: Ha-ha!


 * Homer: Used grease is worth money? Then my arteries are clogged with yellow gold! (he groans with pain) Money in the bank.


 * Homer: Marge, I'm a little busy right now achieving financial independence.
 * Marge: With cans of used grease?
 * Homer: (mockingly) No, through savings and wise investments! Of course with grease.


 * Alex: Your name's Lisa? Shut up, I love that name!
 * Lisa: Did she just tell me to "shut up?"
 * Skinner: Take it outside.


 * (Bart and Homer are escaping from Groundskeeper Willie through the air ducts. Willie grabs Homer by the ankle.)
 * Willie: Not so fast, boyo. Hell, if it was up to me, I'd let ya go. (Raises his fists.) But, the lads have a temper, and they've been drinking all day!
 * (Willie starts punching Homer with hard blows while Homer is screaming in pain.)
 * Homer: Ow! Stop pummeling me! It's really painful!
 * Willie: (Willie stops briefly) Okay, fine. I'll strangle ya for a while! (Willie strangles Homer with his hose, and one of Homer's eyes bulges out of its socket.)


 * Homer: Lisa, I can't imagine anyone being more likable than you. But apparently this new girl is. So my advice would be to start copying her in every way.


 * Homer: Oh, I can't believe those goons muscled me out of my grease business. I've been muscled out of everything I've ever done, including my muscle for hire business.
 * Marge: Oh, poor Homey. Couldn't you try some other far-out, moneymaking scheme?


 * Homer: Alright son, we're about to embark on our most difficult mission. Let's bow our head in prayer. Dear Lord, I know You're busy, seeing as how You can watch women change clothes and all that, but if You help us steal this grease tonight I promise we'll donate half the profits to charity.
 * Bart: Dad, He's not stupid.
 * Homer: Alright, screw it. Let's roll! (floors it)


 * Bart: When you want grease, go to the source. Good old Krusty Burger!
 * Homer: I'll say! Look at that red-headed kid. There must be $40 worth of grease on his forehead alone.
 * Bart: Uh, I was thinking more of the deep frier.
 * Homer: Whatever, we'll try it your way.
 * Squeaky-Voiced Teen: Can I help you, sir?
 * Homer: [leaning uncomfortably close to Squeaky-Voiced Teen] My... God, you're greasy.
 * Squeaky-Voiced Teen: Mr. Maruka, help!


 * [Nelson, Ralph, Wendel, Lewis, and Database sitting at a bench at lunchtime]
 * Nelson: You see, the thing about huckleberries is: once you've had fresh, you'll never go back to canned.
 * [Skinner walks up to the bench]
 * Nelson: Uh, uh, so anyway, I kicked the guy's ass!
 * [Skinner nods and walks off]
 * Nelson: (quietly) Now, if the berries are too tart, I just dust them with confectioner sugar.
 * [All murmur in interest]

The Wizard of Evergreen Terrace

 * Marge: I brought you a tuna sandwich. They say it's brain food. I guess because there's so many dolphins in it, and you know how smart they are.




 * Professor Frink: And these should give you the groundings you'll need in thermodynamics, hyperdmathematics, and of course, microbcalifragilistics.
 * Homer: Look I just want to know how to invent things, tell me.
 * Professor Frink: All you have to do is think of things that people need, but which don't exist yet.
 * Homer: You mean like an electric blanket-mobile?
 * Professor Frink: Well, possibly. Or you could take something that already exists and find a new use for it. Like...
 * Homer: Hamburger earmuffs.
 * Professor Frink: Well, I suppose that would qualify.
 * Homer: Thanks, sucker!




 * Homer: Now, here's my "Everything's OK Alarm." (picks up a device that looks like a smoke detector and presses a button. It starts beeping loudly, with a sound similar to an air horn.) THIS WILL SOUND, EVERY 3 SECONDS, UNLESS SOMETHING ISN'T OKAY!
 * Marge: Turn it off, Homer!
 * Homer: IT CAN'T BE TURNED OFF! (The beeping starts weakening, then stops completely.) But it, uh, does break easily.




 * (after Homer shoots Marge with "The Makeup Shotgun")
 * Marge: Homer, you got it set on "Whore."
 * Homer: Oh, sorry. (switches knob on gun) OK, this time, try to keep your nostrils closed. (Marge swats away gun, and the makeup hits a nearby wall instead) Oh, look what you did. Now I have to get my cold cream gun.




 * Lisa: Dad, women won't like being shot in the face.
 * Homer: Women will like what I tell them to like.




 * Kent Brockman: In other news, Thomas Edison, the greatest inventor of all time, is apparently still inventing, despite the notable handicap of being dead.
 * Homer: That's my Tommy!

Bart the Mother

 * (at an arcade)
 * Nelson: What can I get for 8,000 tickets?
 * Clerk: Uh, a BB gun or an Easy Bake Oven.
 * Nelson: Hmmm...Hot food is tempting, but I just can't say no to a weapon.


 * Lisa: What did you get with the tickets?
 * Bart: Fake moustache comb, how about you?
 * Lisa: Fake moustache...wanna comb it?


 * Homer: [at the top of his voice] MILHOUSE!!!
 * Milhouse: [still at his house] What?
 * Homer: TELL BART TO COME HOME!!!
 * Milhouse: [still at his house] I think he's at Nelson's!
 * Homer: WHO'S NELSON?!!

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 * (after Marge sees the bird Bart shot)
 * Marge: Bart! Did you kill that poor bird?!
 * Bart: I didn't mean to, Mom. The gun pulled to the left.
 * Marge: You disobeyed me, snuck over here, and murdered a helpless animal?!
 * Bart: I know, I really screwed up. I deserve to be punished.
 * Marge: (sighs dejectedly) Oh, what's the point, Bart? I punish, and I punish, and I punish, but it never sinks in. So you know what? Do what you want. You wanna play with little hoodlums? Fine! Have fun killing things! (gets in her station wagon and drives off)

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 * Troy McClure: Hi, I'm Troy McClure. You may remember me from such nature films as Earwigs, Eww! and Man vs. Nature: The Road to Victory.

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 * [About the Bolivian tree lizard]
 * Principal Skinner: It's a vicious oviraptor. It feasts on bird eggs and lays its own eggs in the nest. The unsuspecting mother bird cares for them until the babies hatch, and... devour her too.
 * Moe: [laughs] What a chump!
 * Principal Skinner: It's already wiped out the dodo, the cuckoo, and the nene, and it has nasty plans for the booby, the titmouse, the woodcock, and the titpecker.

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 * Bart: [to Marge] Everyone thinks they're monsters. But I raised them and I love them. I know that's hard to understand.
 * Marge: Mmmm. Not as hard as you think.

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 * Homer: This is the most exciting thing I've seen since Halley's Comet collided with the moon!
 * Lisa: That didn't happen, Dad.
 * Homer: Sure it didn't.

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 * Mayor Quimby: [to Bart] For decimating our pigeon population and for making Springfield a less oppressive place to while away our worthless lives, I present you with this scented candle.

Treehouse of Horror IX

 * Marge: Homer, Kang is Maggie's father.
 * Homer Simpson: (gasps) You intergalactic hussy! How could you?! (starts crying) Was he better than me?

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 * [Homer punches Snake's hairpiece that's attacking Bart]
 * Bart: Ow! That's my face, you idiot!
 * Homer: Idiot? Why, you little... [Homer strangles Bart, but two policeman burst into Bart's room]

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 * [On the Jerry Springer Show, after Kang brings out flowers for Marge and kisses her hand. Homer begins wailing on him]
 * Homer: You one-eyed, two-timing [bleep, bleep]! I'm going to [bleep]!
 * Kang: Oh yeah?! Well, [bleep] hyperbolic paraboloid [bleep] your mama!

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 * Jerry Springer: And now for my final thought; nobody wins when parents put their petty squabbles above the welfare of their child. (everyone onstage looks ashamed) Let's hope they put their differences aside and do what's best for Maggie. [Maggie lunges at Springer] What the [bleep]?! Get this [bleep] baby off! [she bites him] [bleep]! Son of a [bleep]!
 * [Kang and Homer try to pull Maggie off, but end up fighting again]
 * Marge: [with her head in her hands] I'm so [bleep] embarrassed.

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 * Marge: I can't believe it. Jerry Springer didn't solve our conflict.
 * Lisa: And now he's dead.
 * Kang: Any-Hoo, this is your last chance. Turn over the baby now!
 * Kodos: Or we will destroy all your leaders in Washington!
 * Marge: [not intimidated] Oh, you can't destroy every politician!
 * Kang: [darkly] Just watch us.
 * [Kang and Kodos laugh maniacally as they enter their spaceship and take off.]
 * Bart Simpson: Don't forget Ken Starr!
 * Marge: Suckers.
 * Homer: Come on, Maggie. Let’s go home.
 * Maggie: [In Kang’s voice] Very well, I’ll drive.
 * [Maggie laughs maniacally.]

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 * Bart: [After changing Lisa and the TV screen into red] Whoa! Cool!
 * Lisa: [Holding the remote control] Bart, quit it!

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 * Scratchy: [to Bart and Lisa] Why are you laughing?
 * Itchy: [to Scratchy] Hey, they're laughing at your pain.
 * Scratchy: [Picks up his head and puts it back on his body] That's mean.
 * Itchy: Let's teach 'em a lesson. [shaking Scratchy's hand]

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 * (on The Jerry Springer Show)
 * Audience Member: I got a question for that gross thing, whatever it is.
 * Jerry Springer: Homer?
 * Audience Member: Nah, the green dude.

When You Dish Upon a Star

 * Lisa: (speaking to Homer) You promised to take us to the lake.
 * Homer: I promise you kids lots of things. That's what make me such a good father.
 * Lisa: Actually, keeping promises would make you a good father.
 * Homer: No that would make me a great father.

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 * Man: Sir you can't operate a boat under the influence of alcohol.
 * Homer: Oh, that sounds like a wager to me.

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 * Homer: (while parasailing) Ooh, I'm soaring majestically like a candy wrapper caught in an updraft!

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 * Homer: When was the last time Barbra Streisand ever did the laundry for you? And when it's time to do the dishes, where's Ray Bolger?! I'll tell you where! Ray Bolger is looking out for Ray Bolger!!!

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 * Ron Howard: [pitching a movie] And it builds to a powerful emotional climax, where the father has to decide which of his children will live... and which one... will die.
 * Executive: Pass. What else have you got?
 * Ron Howard: Well, there's one about a killer robot driving instructor, who travels back in time for some reason.
 * Executive: I'm listening.
 * Ron Howard: And this robot- He's got a challenging decision to make about whether his best friend lives... or dies.
 * Executive: Ehh.
 * Ron Howard: His best friend's a talking pie.
 * Executive: Sold! Howard, you've done it again!

D'oh-in in the Wind

 * Abe: [grabbing Homer's arm] Shame on you, boy! Put some damn pants on then pull'em down! Cause it's time for a spankin!

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 * Homer Simpson: Hear ye, hear ye! The intergalactic jester proclaims this conformity factory closed!
 * [Kids cheer and burst out of the school]
 * Principal Skinner: 15 years of loyal service and this is how they tell me? A jester with an invisible proclamation?
 * Homer Simpson: Good morning, Starshine, Seth.

[Seth and Munchie gasp to find their garden is empty]
 * Munchie: What's going on?
 * Seth: What happened to our crops?
 * Homer Simpson: I picked them, juiced them, and delivered them to every store in town. Your business is saved.
 * Munchie: But there weren't enough vegetables left to fill that order.
 * Homer Simpson: That's what I thought of first. But then I found the other garden behind the barn, the one with the camouflaged netting.
 * Munchie: Uh-oh.
 * Seth: Homer, those were our personal vegetables.
 * Homer Simpson: But now the town can benefit from their own nutrients.

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 * Young Homer on mural: How could you let me turn into you?
 * Homer: But-but-but the poncho--
 * Young Homer: "But-but-but the poncho!" Hit the road, square.

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 * Marge: Doctor, will he be all right?
 * Dr. Hibbert: Yes, he was lucky. If that were a gladiola, he'd be dead right now.
 * Bart: Why don't you just pull it out?
 * Dr. Hibbert: [laughs] I'm a doctor, not a gardener.
 * Homer: Couldn't you prune some of the leaves so I can watch TV?
 * Dr. Hibbert: What did I just say?

Lisa Gets an "A"

 * Skinner: And, for the first time ever, our computer lab actually has a computer in it.
 * (Ralph is sitting at their newly installed computer, engrossed in an educational spelling program)
 * Ralph: Hi, Lisa! Hi, Super Nintendo Chalmers! (the Coleco shows a cat with "C_T" underneath; he types "a" to spell "cat," which prompts a "meow" sound from the computer) I'm learnding.
 * Lisa: Aw, way to go, Ralph.

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 * (Bart and Lisa are outside the boys' bathroom)
 * Lisa: Hey, I can't go in there!
 * Bart: Relax, there's nothing here you didn't see when Dad boycotted pants.
 * (Bart and Lisa knock on a closed stall door in the boys' bathroom)
 * Nelson: Hang on, I'll buzz you in. [short pause] Buzz.

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 * Homer: Hurry up my arms are getting cold.
 * (Lisa sneezes inside the freezer Marge arrives)
 * Marge: Oh my goodness! Homer get her out of there!
 * Homer: Aw! (Pulls Lisa out of the freezer shivering holding an ice cream can)
 * Homer: (Picks the ice cream can from Lisa) Sherbert Hoover? (throws it back on the freezer)

Homer Simpson in: "Kidney Trouble"

 * Homer: Can't they use that artificial kidney I built?
 * Marge: Homer, that was just a beer can with a whistle glued to it.

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 * Homer: If I die in the operation, will ya do one thing for me.
 * Marge: Oooh, anything sweetheart.
 * Homer: (serious tone) Blow up the hospital.

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 * (after hearing Homer's story of how he ran away from his dying father after promising him one of his kidneys)
 * Concertina Player: (in a French accent) I stole this accordion from a blind monkey, but you (spits) You disgust even me!

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 * (After being tossed off of the Ship of Lost Souls, AKA Honeybunch, watching it sail away into the fog)
 * Homer: That's the last time I trust the strangest people on Earth!

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 * Homer: I'm the luckiest man in the world, now that Lou Gehrig's dead.

Mayored to the Mob

 * Mayor Quimby: Oh God. Can't this town go one day without a riot?

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 * Moe: (after giving a bribe to Mayor Quimby, and under this some cockroaches start walking) We're working on that 'roach situation, I swear to God!
 * Mayor: (pauses briefly, then takes the money) Well, you should see the hospital.

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 * Mayor Quimby: Luke, do something! Use your Lightsaber!
 * Mark Hamill: What, and break it?! You know George Lucas made me pay for these.

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 * Comic Book Guy: Tell me, how do you feel about 45-year-old virgins who still live with their parents?
 * Female Comic Book Fan: Comb the SweetTarts out of your beard, and you're on.
 * Comic Book Guy: Don't try to change me, baby.

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 * Frank Nelson Type: YEEEEEESSSSSS?
 * Homer: Do you have a table for the mayor?
 * Frank Nelson Type: YEEEEEESSSSS!
 * Homer: Why do you talk like that?
 * Frank Nelson Type: I had a STROOOOOOKE!

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 * Homer Simpson: [to Bart and Lisa] Hold it, what's your clearance?
 * Bart Simpson: We just wanna get a snack.
 * Homer Simpson: Access denied.
 * Bart: But, Dad... [Homer pinches the kids on the shoulder, sending them to the floor, unconscious]
 * Marge: Homer, I don't want you using your new sleeper hold on the children.
 * Homer: They'll be fine in half an hour.

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 * Homer: Oh My God, I killed the Mayor! Alright, stay calm. I'll just use the body to stage an elaborate farce a la Weekend At Bernie's.

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 * Bart: If I was Fat Tony, and God willing someday I will be, I'd just be stewing in my jail cell getting madder and madder.
 * Homer: I don't have to worry about that, he's already out on bail. Well, I'm off to work.
 * Marge: You're guarding the mayor tonight, after Fat Tony swore revenge?
 * Homer: It's my duty, Marge. Besides, those mobsters don't scare me. Bart, will you start daddy's car?
 * Marge: Homer!
 * Homer: What? There's nothing to worry about.
 * Bart: Well, then you start it.
 * Homer: Alright, fine, I'll take a cab.

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 * [As Homer fights for his life against one of Fat Tony's men]
 * Mark Hamill: Homer, use the-!
 * Homer: The Force?
 * Mark Hamill: The forks! Use the forks!

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 * [Homer attending a Leavelle's body guard school]
 * Leavelle: Your loyalty is to your protectee. Not to you country. Not to your family. [turns to Homer] Not even to Moo-Hammid.
 * Homer: Even during Ramadan?
 * Leavelle: Shut your sass-hole boy.

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 * Homer: Milking rats! THEY'RE MILKING RATS!
 * Mayor Quimby: (to Fat Tony) Rats?! I am outraged! You promised me dog or higher!

Viva Ned Flanders

 * Bart: Alright here comes the implosion!
 * Demolition Worker: [Pushes the plunger down] Implosion? I thought you said...
 * [The Monty Burns Casino blows up in a cloud of dust with a variety of things, as well as Don Rickles, flying out into the air]
 * Don Rickles: HOCKEY PUUUUUCK!
 * Homer Simpson: [as they all run from the dust] Heh, heh! Don Rickles zinged ya, Marge!

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 * [After running over someone in the dust cloud]
 * Lisa: Dad, you hit Don Rickles!
 * Don Rickles: I'm okay, but some Puerto Rican guy's trying to steal your hubcaps. [laughs] Just kidding! I'm a nice guy.

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 * Homer: Slave girl! Oh, slave girl!
 * Waitress: More libations, my imperial conqueror?
 * Homer: What was that?
 * Other Waitress: More booze. You want more booze?

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 * Ned: Goshdarn it! Am I that pre-diddly-ictable? [sighs] I've wasted my whole dang-diddly life!
 * [a car stops besides Ned with Abe, Jasper and three attractive women]
 * Grampa: Hey there!
 * Ned: Look at that! Everyone's living it up except Ned. [car pulls away out of earshot]
 * Grampa: Help! We're being carjacked!
 * Woman: Don't get clever, old man. [cocks a revolver] Now take us to Dress Barn.

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 * Ned: So what about all this meat?
 * Homer: Ah, the missus will clean that up.
 * Marge: Now it's Marge's time to shine!

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 * Dr. Gonzo: That sure was a fun trip to Las Vegas.
 * Raoul Duke: Auh, too many kids.

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 * Casino worker: Someone dishonoring their marriage vows!? Not in Las Vegas.

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 * [While Homer and Ned try to flee]
 * Homer: [screams] The Moody Blues!
 * Graeme Edge: "Cold hearted Homer ditching his wife, while ancient Ned runs for his life"
 * Justin Hayward: "Chips of blue, and red, and white, but we decide..."
 * John Lodge: Oh can the poems, it's arse-whooping time!
 * Ray Thomas: [draws a switchblade] I want fatty! [Homer screams]

Wild Barts Can't Be Broken

 * Homer: Stupid Isotopes. Hurry up and lose so we can get outta here!
 * Lisa: Why do you hate the Isotopes so much, Dad?
 * Homer: Because I loved them once and they broke my heart. Let that be a lesson to you, sweetie. Never love anything.
 * Lisa: Even you?
 * Homer: Especially me.
 * Bart: But you gotta support the team, Dad! They're already threatening to move to Moose Jaw.
 * Marge: That's right! Like my mother always said, you've got to stick it out, even if you picked the loser ... (sees Homer picking at his ear and looking at his finger afterward) ...to the bitter end.

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 * Commentator: (about Babe Ruth IV) He's pointing to the stands, possibly at a dying little boy.
 * Bart: (to Marge, after realizing he's been pointed at) Mom, am I dying?!
 * Marge: (sympathetically) No.
 * Lisa: (whispering) Is he, Mom? You can tell me.
 * Marge: No!

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 * Commentator: (as Babe Ruth gets ready) Is he indicating a bunt? Yes, he's bunting.
 * (The other team catch him straight away, and he trudges off forlornly)
 * Audience: BOOO!
 * Marge: Good hustle, kid!

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 * Moe: (sighs) Ah, no one touched my rumaki.
 * Homer: (throws it at him) WOOOO, RUMAKI!!!

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 * Chief Wiggum: (checking the boys' IDs) Sorry boys, but the curfew is final. (Looks at Nelson's) Oh, sorry to disturb you, Dr. Hibbert.
 * Nelson: (as Dr. Hibbert) Not at all, Officer! (chuckles)

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 * Chief Wiggum: So, You enjoy this movie, Kids? Aah! Listen up punks. The moral of the story is, the adults always win! (The kids' eyes turn blue, as in the film) Waaarrgh! (It is revealed Eddie has been shining a light on the kids) For crying out loud, Eddie. You scared the hell out of me.
 * Eddie: Sorry, Chief. (chuckles)

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 * Bart: Tune in tomorrow, and every day, until the curfew is lifted, because we'll be revealing embarrassing secrets about Springfield's other adults.
 * Homer: Well, at least they've already done me.
 * Bart: And we have plenty more on Homer Simpson.
 * Homer: D'oh!

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 * Lisa: And guess who's been practicing medicine without a license?
 * [Dr. Hibbert looks around nervously]
 * Lisa: That's right...Homer Simpson!
 * Homer: D'oh!''

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 * Nelson: You adults are always giving orders!
 * Skinner: Well, you kids are always disobeying them!
 * Milhouse: Adults treat kids like children!
 * Kirk: Kids treat adults like cash machines!

(start song)
 * Kids: (singing) Adults!
 * Adults: (singing) Kids!
 * Kids: (singing) Adults!
 * Adults: (singing) Kids!
 * Kids: (singing) Adults!
 * Rev. Lovejoy: (singing) Kids! You've had your fun and we've had our fill!
 * Homer: (singing) Yeah! You're only here because Marge forgot her pill!
 * Marge: (Embarrassed) Hmm.
 * Wiggum: (singing) Kids! You're all just scandalizing, vandalizing punks! [Nelson spray paints "Oink" on Wiggum's back]
 * Krusty: (singing) Channel-hopping, Ritalin popping monkeys! (To Allison: But please don't quit the fan-club!)
 * Marge: (singing) Kids! I can nag and nag till my hair turns blue!
 * Edna Krabappel: (singing) Kids! You bum my smokes and don't say thank-you.
 * Rod and Todd: (singing) Why can't you be like we are? (They get hit with tomatoes)
 * Adults: (singing) Oh what a bunch of brats!
 * Moe: (singing) We outta drown you just like cats!
 * Bart: (singing) Adults! You run our lives like you're Col. Klink!
 * Nelson: (singing) Adults! You strut around like your farts don't stink!
 * Lisa: (singing) Adults! You're such a drooling, snoring, boozing, boring bunch! Surly, meanie, three-martini lunchers!
 * Ralph: I just ate a thumbtack!
 * Milhouse: (singing) Adults! They're always telling us to-(Abe grabs him with his cane)
 * Abe: (singing) Shut your traps!
 * Jasper: (singing) Eh...We're all fed up with all of you whippersnaps. (Milhouse screams and runs )
 * Old folks: (singing) We're trying to get some sleep here; it's almost 6:15! What's the matter with-
 * Adults: (singing) Don't you treat us like-
 * Kids: (singing) Can't you just lay off-
 * Old folks: (singing) We're sick of all of you-
 * Everyone: (singing) KIDS...TOO...DAY!

Sunday, Cruddy Sunday

 * Krusty the Clown: "Legends of Comedy", my tuchus! What has Fatty Arbuckle done that I haven't done?

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 * Moe: [scoffs] Bye weeks. Bronko Nagurski didn't get no bye weeks, and now he's dead! [pause] Well... maybe they're a good thing.

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 * Chief Wiggum: All right, you guys have had way too much booze. [holds up some fresh bottles of Duff] Last call!
 * [The others clamor for the beer, getting overly rowdy]
 * Chief Wiggum: [aims a pistol at them] Come on! Give me an excuse!

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 * [After Homer, Wally and their troupe charge through various hallways looking for the Superbowl (with "Song 2" playing in the background)]
 * Moe: Homer, we've been running around cheering for an hour! Where the hell's the game?!
 * Homer: You guys are following me?! I was following Flanders!

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 * Guard: Players and VIPs only!

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 * Catholic Church VO: The Catholic Church: We've made a few… changes.

Homer to the Max

 * [Homer sings to the tune of Goldfinger.]
 * Homer: Max Power
 * He's the man whose name you'd love to touch
 * But you musn't touch
 * His name sounds good in your ear
 * But when you say it, you musn't fear
 * 'Cause his name can't be said
 * By anyone--
 * [Mr. Burns walks in.]
 * Mr. Burns: Ah, Max Power! How's every little thing?
 * Homer: You remembered my name!
 * Mr. Burns: Well, who could forget the name of a magnetic individual like you? Keep up the good work, Max!
 * Homer: Mr. Power.
 * Mr. Burns: Yes, Mr. Power.

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 * Marge: But I fell in love with Homer Simpson. I don't wanna snuggle with Max Power.
 * Max (Homer): Nobody snuggles with Max Power - you strap yourself in and feel the G's! [performs a hip gyration]
 * Marge: Oh, Lord!
 * Max: And it doesn't stop in the bedroom. Oh no! I'm taking charge! Kids, there's three ways to do things. The right way, the wrong way, and the Max Power way.
 * Bart: Isn't that the wrong way?
 * Max: Yeah, but faster! [walks into a cactus] D'oh!
 * Lisa: We should really put that in the corner.

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 * Max: Awww, this is the worst party ever.
 * Marge: Remember that New Year's Eve party at Lenny's? He didn't even have a clock.

I'm With Cupid

 * [Homer is telling Lisa a bedtime story]
 * Homer: ...and then the handsome prince realized he had to go to the bathroom really bad, but the evil ogre, Barney, had left the men's room in the most wicked condition! So the prince went out back to the enchanted alley--
 * Lisa: That's not a fairy tale; it's something that happened to you at Moe's!
 * Homer: Sssh. Anyway, the prince passed out for a hundred years, until he was awakened by the kiss of a noble raccoon.

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 * Homer: Everybody's marriages is falling apart except ours. You see the problem is communication.... too much communication.

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 * Homer: Will you stop it! It's easy to blame ourselves, but it's even easier to blame Apu!

Marge Simpson in: "Screaming Yellow Honkers"

 * Zookeeper: Boy, that Stone Phillips sounds like quite a bloke. What television network is he on?
 * Bart: Why, NBC, of course.
 * Lisa: NBC has lots of great shows, and their news and sports coverage can't be beat.
 * Wiggum: Do you think there's anything great on NBC right now?
 * Homer: Oh, I'm sure of it.
 * Marge: But there's only one way to find out...
 * (cut to the closing credits)
 * Homer: (voice-over) I'd like to read the following statement, but I do so under ... (sound of gun cocking)... my own free will. It has come to my attention that NBC sucks. I apologize for misleading you and urge you to watch as many Fox shows as possible. So in summary, NBC - bad. Fox - good. (very softly) CBS great.
 * (sound of gunshot, followed by a thud. The Gracie Films logo appears, accompanied by three more gunshots. According to the audio commentary, George Meyer came up with the idea of shooting an already dead corpse a few times, he called them "safety shots")

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 * Bart Simpson: I didn't think it was physically possible, but this both sucks and blows.

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 * Homer: I'm gonna die! Jesus, Allah, Buddha, I love you all!
 * Zookeeper: There's one rhino missing! If we don't find it, it'll be my ass on the barbie!
 * Homer: [as he, Bart and Lisa run from stampeding rhinos] Don't worry, kids! I know just what to do! JUMANJI! [the rhinos keep charging] Does anything from the movies actually work?!

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 * Lisa: Mom, Bart took what I said and turned it into an insult!

Make Room for Lisa

 * Guard #1: [after Homer damaged the bill of rights] You just licked off the part that forbids cruel and unusual punishment.
 * Guard #2: [putting on brass knuckles] Hehe, beautiful.

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 * Homer: Relax, Lisa! Meet your new comically mismatched roommate, Bart Simpson! (hums The Odd Couple Theme)
 * Bart: I'm gonna make your life a living hell.
 * Homer: (hums The Odd Couple theme and shoves Lisa in)

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 * Homer: (turns on TV) Ooh, here's something you like. When Animals Attack Magicians.
 * Magician: Pick a card, any- (noise of animal attacking) Aaaaaagh!!!
 * (Homer laughs)
 * Lisa: (concerned) That's awful.
 * Homer: Awful entertaining.

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 * Homer: (while in the sensory deprivation chamber, to the tune of The Witch Doctor) ooh! eee! ooh ah ah! Ting, Tang! Walla walla bing bang! Ooh eee ooh ah ah! Walla ting tang bing bing boo!

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 * Lisa: Wow, I've been a cat, a tree, and Cokie Roberts. It's happening again. I wonder where I'm going this time. What's that?
 * [A sandwich appears on a black background]
 * Lisa: Yuck! That sandwich is full of meat. [As the meats rotate] There's bacon, Canadian bacon, Mexican bacon [drooling] and a mouth-watering veal chop.
 * [Two arms come from both sides of the screen, then grabs the sandwich. Lisa takes a bite]
 * Lisa: Oh, no, now I'm dad!
 * [background, from Homer's point of view, fades in. He's at a ballet]
 * Lisa: (as Homer) Oh, and I'm at a stupid boring ballet.

Maximum Homerdrive

 * Female Trucker: There goes the finest trucker who ever lived.
 * Homer: He called me "greenhorn." I called him Tony Randall. It was a thing we had.
 * Male Trucker: In 38 years, he never missed a shipment. But I guess this is one delivery old Red won't be making.
 * Homer: Oh, yes he will....and on time, too.
 * Marge: Oh no, Homer, no.
 * Homer: I got to, honey. I owe it to Red as both his friend and his killer.
 * Bart: Oh, let me go with you, Dad.
 * Homer: Don't you have school?
 * Bart: Don't you have work?
 * Homer: Ahh, touché.

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 * Homer: Look son, it's one of nature's wonders, the convoy!

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 * Homer: Oh yeah, I need something that will keep me awake, alert and restless all night long.
 * Old Clerk: Well Congress is racing back to Washington to outlaw these. (Pulls out a bottle labeled Stimu-crank)
 * Homer: Sold! (Takes pills and eats them all)
 * Old Clerk: You can't take that many pep pills at once!
 * Homer: Don't worry. I'll balance it out with a bottle of sleeping pills.

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 * Homer: What's happening to me? There's still food, but i don't wanna eat it. I've become everything I've ever hated! (cries)

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 * Bart: Dad, they're going to kill us!
 * Homer: Oh, why do all my trips end like this?

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 * Marge: Your father traded all of our tools for M&M's again.

Simpsons Bible Stories

 * Homer Simpson: (as Adam) [to Marge (as Eve)] You're pretty uptight for a naked chick.

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 * (The Simpsons watch as their neighborhood is engulfed by The Apocalypse)
 * Marge: Oh, no, it's the Apocalypse! Bart, are you wearing clean underwear?
 * Bart: Not anymore.
 * Lisa Simpson: It's Rapture, and I never knew true love.
 * Homer: I never used those pizza coupons.

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 * Wiggum: Hey, Pharaoh, those half-pint slaves are "exodus Ing" as we speak.
 * Skinner: Well, I say good riddance to bad rubbish.
 * Wiggum: Okay, but who's going to build your pyramids?
 * Skinner: Well, we-- After them!

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 * Milhouse as Moses: (Israelites reach the Red Sea as the Egyptians chase them) Screw this! I'm converting. Save us, O Mighty Ra!

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 * Slave Lisa: Now we have 40 years of wandering in the desert.
 * Milhouse/Moses: Forty years? But after that, it's clear sailing for the Jews, right?
 * Slave Lisa: Uh, more or less...Hey, is that manna?

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 * Bart/David: Goliath II is going to pay. And this time, it's biblical.

Mom and Pop Art

 * [Homer tries to build a barbecue pit, but all the set's content spills out of box and onto cement bed, and when he takes them out and puts them on the barrow filled with bricks, the bricks fall in as well; Homer then tries to put the pit together as much as he can before the concrete dries, but the instructions are covered in wet cement]
 * Homer: English side ruined! Must use French instructions! Le grille? What the hell is that?!
 * [Cut to some time later, as it appears the pit was built exactly as the box showed]
 * Homer: Yeah, that's one fine looking barbecue pit. [it is revealed to be the design on the box, as the real end result is a jumbled mess] WHY DOESN'T MINE LOOK LIKE THAT?! [screams in rage, starts hitting pit with a crowbar] WHY?! Why must life be so hard?! Why must I fail at every attempt at masonry?!
 * [Cut to kitchen, as Marge is making a cake and Bart is licking a popsicle]
 * Marge: How's your father's project coming along?
 * Bart: I think he's almost done. [He looks out, as we see Homer charge towards pit with an umbrella whilst screaming, shove it into an opening, and fall backwards as it opens up] Yeah, he's done.

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 * [Homer is getting hit by soup cans thrown by Andy Warhol]
 * Andy Warhol: Soup's on, fat boy.
 * [Homer is on the ground whimpering. Warhol approaches him with a larger soup can. Homer awakes from the dream.]
 * Homer: Andy! No!
 * Marge: Homer! Homer!
 * Homer: [waking up] Oh, Marge! Why does art hate me? I never did anything to art. [he holds up his arm, his fist is through one of Andy Warhol's Soup Can paintings] Oh. Let's get out of here.

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 * Homer: [as he looks at a picture of "Life in Hell"'s Akbar and Jeff] Matt Groening? What's he doing in a museum? He can barely draw.

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 * Skinner: Edna, look! A dimmer switch could ratchet up the romance in our love nest.
 * Krabappel: You mean the janitor's closet? Ha!
 * Skinner: Oh, what's the matter, Edna? Lately you just say "ha!" to everything.
 * Krabappel: I want a baby... Now! [Bart is watching them]
 * Skinner: Why don't we continue this in Pool Supplies?

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 * Homer: How about it, Bart? Would you like a new backyard barbecue pit?
 * Bart: Can I burn evidence in it?
 * Homer: We can all burn evidence in it.

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 * [as Homer attempts to get rid of the barbecue pit by putting it in the "Toys for Tots" bin...]
 * Chief Wiggum: Yeah, hold on there, Santa Claus. That box is for toys only.
 * Homer: Well, of course! Any kid would love to have this ... activity center. It teaches them while they learn!
 * Chief Wiggum: Yeah, nice try, Saint Nick. Now hit the road, Kris Kringle!
 * Homer: But...but--
 * Chief Wiggum: You heard me, [pokes Homer's gut with nightstick] Père Noël. [Homer puts the barbecue pit on the cart and leaves; Fat Tony, Legs, and Louie come and dump a body in a bag into the bin] Whatcha got there?
 * Louie: Beanie Baby.

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 * Astrid: Your husband's work is what we call "outsider art". It could be by a mental patient, or a hillbilly, or a chimpanzee.
 * Homer: [gasps] In high school I was voted "Most Likely to Be a Mental Patient, Hillbilly, or Chimpanzee"!

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 * Homer: Lisa, all great artists love free food. Check out Jasper Johns.
 * Jasper Johns: [stuffs food into his jacket] You squeal on me, I'll kill you.

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 * Marge: Homie, I'm really happy you sold your sculpture, but don't you think it may have been a fluke?
 * Homer: Hey, I've always had an interest in art, dating back to my schoolgirl days when I painted portrait after portrait of Ringo Starr.
 * Marge: That's my life you're describing!
 * Homer: I think I remember my own life, Marge.

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 * Homer: Moe, this is Astrid, my dealer, and these are my fans: Gunter, Kilto, and Cecil Hamstead on Cecil Cecil.
 * Moe: So, uh, you guys are Euro trash, huh? How's that, uh, workin' out for ya?
 * Gunter: Eh, to be honest, we are a drift in a sea of decadent luxury and meaningless sex.
 * Moe: Uh-huh, so where might this sea be located?

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 * Gunther: You've gone from hip to boring. Why don't you call us when you get to kitsch.
 * Cecil Hampstead-on-Cecil Cecil: Come on Gunther, Kyoto. If we hurry we can still catch the heroin craze.

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 * Homer: Why don't people like my art anymore?
 * Marge: Homer, I know you worked hard, but all of your ... things were kind of the same.
 * Homer: Hey, Ray Jay Johnson never changed his act, and he's more popular now than he's ever been.
 * Lisa: Who?
 * Homer: "You can call him Ray, or you can call him Jay, or you can call him Ray Jay, but you doesn't have to call him..."
 * Lisa: I'm sick of him already.

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 * [Homer and Bart are throwing welcome mats out of the car windows, covering up the street drains]
 * Bart: Hit the road, "Welcome home"!
 * Homer: Adiós, "Casa de Flanders"!
 * Bart: See you in Hell, "God bless this house"!
 * Homer: So long, "The Simpsons"! ...D'oh!

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 * [as Homer opens up the fire hydrants]
 * Bart: Are you sure this is art and not vandalism?
 * Homer: That's for the courts to decide, son.

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 * [after Homer floods Springfield]
 * Astrid: [while floating on a log] I love it, Homer! You've turned this town into a work of art! I just wish Jasper Johns hadn't stolen my boat.
 * Jasper Johns: [speeds by on a motorboat which splashes Astrid] So long, suckers!

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 * Flanders: Maude, it's a miracle! The Lord has drowned the wicked and spared the righteous.
 * Maude: [gasps] Isn't that Homer Simpson?
 * Flanders: Looks like heaven's easier to get into than Arizona State.

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 * Marge: Well, Homer, I have to admit, you created something people really love. You truly are an artist.
 * Homer: No, I'm just a nut who couldn't build a barbecue.

The Old Man and The "C" Student

 * Abe: Settle a bet. Boil or mole?

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 * Bart: Hey, Chalmers, where are you from?
 * Superintendent Chalmers: Well, I was born in Queens, went to Ball State, then made the move to Intercourse, Pennsylvania. Uh, why do you ask?
 * (Bart is about to say something when Skinner quickly puts his hand over his mouth)
 * Principal Skinner: Uh, don't worry, sir. I'll teach these children some respect for their town. I'm assigning each of you 20 hours of community service.
 * (the children walk offstage, groaning and moaning)
 * Ralph: Intercourse?
 * Nelson: What if we refuse?
 * Skinner: You won't pass to the next grade!
 * Nelson: I fail to see the threat.
 * Chalmers: SKINNER! Good idea. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to my vacation at Lake Titicaca. Try to make a joke out of that, Mr. Smart Guy.
 * (Bart looks at Skinner, and Skinner waves his hands "no")

Monty Can't Buy Me Love

 * Mr. Burns: It's time to win the love of these hate-filled morons.

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 * Appraisal Lady: At auction, I'd expect this to sell for $20-30,000. Except that on the handle, somebody's carved "Homer Rocks!"
 * Homer: And I do! WOO!!
 * Appraisal Lady: Appraised value: $15.
 * Moe: I'm gonna kill him! I'M GONNA KILL HIM!! [picks up Skinner's antique gun, which disintegrates]

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 * Mr. Burns: The man has no idea how to behave like a billionaire. Where's the dignity? Where's the contempt for the common man?

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 * Mr. Burns: Simpson! I want to be loved.
 * Homer: Well, I'll need some beer.

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 * Marge: I don't know how you can all just lay ... When was the last time we went for a good, old-fashioned family walk?

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 * Selma: Single? He passes the Selma test!
 * Marge: Oh,

They Saved Lisa's Brain

 * (Homer talks to the boudoir photographer over the phone)
 * Homer: You're not going to ask me to pose nude, are you?
 * Photographer: Well, yes, unless you have issues about revealing your body.
 * Homer: I don't, but the block association seems to. They wanted a "traditional" Santa.

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 * Lisa: [writing her letter] We can better ourselves!
 * [Lisa then sees a naked Bart riding a pig in the hallway]
 * Lisa: [to herself] Well, most of us.

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 * [Stephen Hawking and Homer go for beers at Moe's]
 * Stephen Hawking: Your theory of a donut-shaped universe is intriguing, Homer. I may have to steal it.
 * Homer: Wow. I can't believe someone I never heard of is hanging out with a guy like me.
 * Moe: All right, it's closing time. Who's payin' the tab?
 * Homer: [imitating Hawking's voice] I am.
 * Stephen Hawking: I didn't say that.
 * Homer: [still imitating Hawking] Yes, I did. [Hawking hits Homer in the face with the boxing glove from his wheelchair] D'oh.

Thirty Minutes Over Tokyo

 * Groundskeeper Willie: Let's see what's been captured in the Up-Kilt camera. Ugh, this lass needs a bit of groundskeepin'. Agh, that's Willie!

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 * Marge: Hawaii here we come!
 * Lisa No, no. We're going to Paris I can feel it.
 * Bart: Come on Transylvania
 * Homer (Jamaican accent) No mon, let's go home to Jamaica. I and I been in Babylon too long!

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 * PA: Welcome to Japan, folks. The local time is tomorrow.

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 * Marge: C'mon Homer, Japan will be fun. You liked Rashomon.
 * Homer: That's not how I remember it. Besides if we wanted to see Japanese people, we could've gone to the zoo.
 * Marge: (offended by Homer's allegedly racist comment) Homer!
 * Homer: What? The guy who washes the elephants is Japanese. His name is Takashi. He was in my book club.
 * Lisa: Look, Mom, the safety instructions are written in haiku.
 * "Fasten seat belts tight.
 * Your seat cushions float gently.
 * Headsets, five dollars."

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 * Japanese toilet: Welcome. I am honored to accept your waste.
 * Homer: (gasps) They're years ahead of us!
 * Bart: (as he turns on the TV in the next room) Mom, Lis, check it out, Dad's on TV.
 * Homer: (unzips his pants and sits on the toilet) Oh, yeah!
 * Marge, Bart and Lisa: (from the next room) Agghh!
 * Homer: [Japanese version of D'oh! in English subtitles]

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 * Captain: Uh, folks, we’re experiencing some moderate Godzilla-related turbulence at this time, so I’m going to go ahead and ask you to put your seatbelts back on. When we get to 35 thousand feet, he usually does let go, so from there on out, all we have to worry about is Mothra, and, uh, we do have reports he’s tied up with Gamera and Rodan at the present time. Thank you very much.

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 * Lenny: Hey, isn't that Homer on the Japanese channel?
 * Moe: Wait a minute. If that's Homer, who's been putting beers on his tab?
 * Barney: [dressed unconvincingly as Homer] D'oh! Woo-hoo! Uh.... That boy ain't right!