The Simpsons/Season 22

The Simpsons (1989–present) is an American animated sitcom broadcast by the Fox Broadcasting Company created by Matt Groening. The series is a satirical depiction of American life, epitomized by the Simpson family.

Elementary School Musical

 * Lisa: I finally found a place I belong.
 * Marge: Your week's up! Time to go home.
 * Homer: [gasps] It can't be Saturday already! [checks camera] Monday was orientation. Tuesday, we did mime. Wednesday, we did Mame. Thursday, we got attacked by bees. Friday morning, Andrew Lloyd Webber and Elaine Stritch helped us make wallets. Friday evening, we performed Angels in America: A Gay Fantasia on National Themes. Part 1: Millennium Approaches. Part 2...
 * Marge: Perestroika?
 * Lisa: That's right! Strike the set, pizza party, Sunday morning and then-- [gasps] Nooooo!
 * Homer: Goodbye, Lisa! I'll miss you a lot! Then a little! Then not too much!

Loan-a Lisa

 * Bart: I just paid some idiot 50 bucks to walk up the down escalator all day. [scene cuts to Gil walking up the down escalator]

MoneyBART

 * Bart: Fine, you can be our coach.
 * Lisa: Thanks. You can be the free safety.
 * Bart: Wrong sport.
 * Lisa: I mean, the point guard.
 * Bart: Also wrong.
 * Lisa: I'm gonna do a little research.
 * Bart: A little is not gonna be enough, honey pie.
 * Lisa: Don't call me "honey pie".
 * Bart: You got it, tootsie pop.
 * Lisa: [grunts]
 * Nelson: Get a room, you two.
 * Lisa: We're brother and sister.
 * Milhouse: So are my parents, I think.


 * Lisa: Bart, this guy has walked the last two batters, and if he walks you, we win the game. Don't swing at anything.
 * Bart: But I'm on a hot streak!
 * Lisa: Hot streaks are a statistical illusion!
 * Bart: I wish you were a statistical illusion.
 * Lisa: Well, there's a 97% chance I'm not, so do what I say!


 * Lisa: Managers manage, and players play.
 * Ralph: Do alligators alligate?
 * Lisa: I don't know! Yes!
 * Ralph: I'm scared!


 * Lisa: You made me love baseball. Not as a collection of numbers, but as an unpredictable, passionate game, beaten in excitement only by every other sport.

Treehouse of Horror XXI

 * Bart Simpson: It's just a game. We're not really hurting anybody. [accidentally hits Milhouse in the eye with controller]
 * Milhouse Van Houten: My non-lazy eye!


 * [Marge accidentally hits Milhouse in the eye with her elbow]
 * Milhouse Van Houten: My other eye!


 * [After taking Lisa to the forest and carrying her up a tree, Edmund reveals his fangs]
 * Lisa Simpson: [gasps] You're a vampire! I should be scared, but I'm not.
 * Edmund: Let us move between the trees the way a bat does... by jumping!


 * Lisa Simpson: Edmund's almost here! So please, nobody be themselves.
 * Homer Simpson: I know, I know. Don't serve garlic, don't stab your guest in the heart with a wooden stake, don't ask him if he knows Frankenstein. It's racist somehow.


 * Edmund: [to Lisa] Sorry, my dad insisted on coming. [a bat appears and turns into Dracula] [clearly aggravated] Dad! I don't need a chaperone! I'm 400 years old!
 * Dracula: You live in my crypt, you play by my rules!
 * Edmund: You're tearing me apart!


 * Dracula: Look, I'm more than just a vampire. I'm a nut for Dixieland jazz. [plays jazz trumpet]
 * Edmund: [rolls his eyes and groans] You said you weren't gonna bring that!
 * Dracula: I said I might not. [continues to play]
 * Edmund: [whispers to Lisa] They say vampires live forever, but I die of embarrassment every day.
 * Lisa: I know just how you feel.
 * [Cut to Homer dancing with Santa's Little Helper]

Lisa Simpson, This Isn't Your Life

 * Lisa: Dad, can I talk to you for a second?
 * Homer: What is troubling you, my son? I mean, my girl son.


 * Homer: Sooner or later, everyone meets their Homer.


 * Homer: Just pick a dead end and chill out till you die.


 * Willie: [singing to the tune of Loch Lomond while waxing the floor] Oh, I'll wax the upstairs and I'll wax the downstairs and I'll get drunk in the library!


 * Lisa: [after seeing Cloisters Academy school bus] Lord Buddha, I know I'm not supposed to want stuff, but come on!


 * [Upon learning that Lisa doesn't want to be like her, Marge is upset and distraught.]
 * Marge: What's so wrong with me?
 * Homer: Nothing, sweetie, nothing! Let me explain. She doesn't want to turn out like you didn't... not until... diplomatic.... trapped... help. Remember nothing.
 * Marge: A mother will remember everything!
 * Homer: Well if you look inside your purse, you can find the 7 of clubs.
 * Marge:[Looks inside her purse and pulls out a photo of Lisa] No, it's a photo of Lisa who wants to be nothing like me.


 * Marge: What's your note say?
 * Lisa: The seven of clubs?
 * Homer: [Revealing himself to have put the 7 of clubs to cheer Lisa up] Tada!

The Fool Monty

 * Jeff Zucker: NBC, you are here to listen and not speak!

How Munched is That Birdie in the Window?

 * Homer: [telling the kids a horror story in a creepy voice] The Bloody Hangman walks on his stubby bone feet through the plague-ridden streets of London...
 * Lisa: You said it was Boston.
 * Homer: [still in a creepy voice] Did I?


 * Nelson: My mom ran off with my birthday clown.


 * Bart: [to Raymond Bird] Now that you're officially my bird, let me fill you in on the pecking order around here. The top dog is me, followed by the top dog, the dog, then the cat and then you. But don't feel bad. You're ahead of Milhouse.

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 * Milhouse: I thought your race car was a Transformer! Nothing's one thing anymore!

The Fight Before Christmas

 * Bart: [clicks his BB gun and kicks the office door with his foot, ready to kill Santa for not getting the dirt bike from him (who was actually Krusty in the costume); serious] No disrespect, fat man, but you'd better poop out a dirt bike.
 * Krusty (Santa): [busy] Close the door, boy. I can't afford to heat the whole North Pole!

[Bart looks around the office; the air was being pushed out of the steam radiator, the walls were torn a little, and the water from the ceiling was leaking]
 * Bart: [walks over to Krusty/Santa’s desk with the BB gun still in arm] Listen here, Kringle. I may have been naughty this year. But by today’s standards, naughty’s nothing. I didn’t get anybody pregnant. I didn’t Facebook a kid to death. Make with my dirt bike!
 * Krusty (Santa): Kid, this company’s bust! For years, I’ve been giving out free toys and getting cookies in return. It’s not a sustainable business model.
 * Bart: Oh, come on, man. Things aren’t that bad.
 * Krusty (Santa): They’re pretty bad. [scooping up and eating a red-nosed reindeer snout] I’m eating my own reindeer here!
 * Bart: [rolls his eyes; groans] You win.
 * Krusty (Santa): [chuckles] That's a good boy. [rubs Bart's head and gives him a candy cane] You go home now, and maybe there'll be a nice pair of work socks under your tree.
 * Bart: You don't have to do that. I have socks. I'll give you socks!
 * Krusty (Santa): Thanks, kid. Now you better head home. I'm sure in the 25 years of Earth time you've been gone, your parents have gotten worried. [Bart leaves the office and closes the door] Kids never change. Always dumb as potatoes.

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 * Agnes Skinner: Hey, Simpson! How come you ain't in combat like a real man?
 * Homer: I'm too fat to fit in a foxhole.

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 * Homer: Kids, remember when I promised to feed us from that victory garden? Well, instead, I grew this tree!
 * Lisa: Don't you dare bring that thing in here!
 * Homer: What? You don't want a Christmas tree?! That's crazy! Next you won't want a Christmas ham!
 * Lisa: Don't worry about that. I love meat and I always will. [takes a bite out of a slice of ham] Mmm-mm! That is some sweet pig meat!

Donnie Fatso

 * [Homer's stint as a Mob informant has indirectly led to Fat Tony's death]
 * FBI agent: Homer, I just want you to know that, out of all the informants the FBI has ever had, you were the snitchiest.
 * Homer: [bitterly] Oh, I see. You use me to kill a man, and all I get is a handshake and a blanket!
 * FBI agent: I never shook your hand.
 * Other FBI agent: And we never said you could have the blanket. [takes the blanket away]

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 * [Homer is talking with "Fit Tony", Fat Tony's cousin]
 * Fit Tony: I keep my friends close...
 * Homer: But your enemies closer?
 * Fit Tony: No! Why would I do that? If I kept my enemies close, they would kill me!

Moms I'd Like to Forget

 * Bart: All right, Comic Book Guy, tell me my origin story.
 * Man: I will not relive that horror of that day! The answer is no, and I can say it in Na'vi or Klingon, which are pretty much the same. I have some theories on that, which I will share with you never.

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 * Zack: It was the fourth-graders.

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 * Bart': Why do you eat peanuts in the shower? [cut to a hideous collection of peanut shells, hair, and dirt Marge pulled out the drain]
 * Lisa: Can't start the day without that fresh-from-the-circus feeling! [walks out the bathroom humming clown music]

Homer the Father

 * Apu: And America has so many enemies. Iran, Iraq, China, Mordor, the hoochies that laid low Tiger Woods, undesirable immigrants - by which I mean everyone that came after me, including my children...

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 * Bart: I don't know. Can I really betray my country? I say the Pledge of Allegiance every day.
 * Chinese Agent: You pledge allegiance to the flag. And the flag is made in China.

The Blue and the Gray

 * Bart: I just have one question about hair: where does mine start? Head, head, head, hair! Where's the border?!
 * Lisa: Oh, my God! Me too!
 * Bart: What are we?!

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 * (Moe is alone on Valentine's day)
 * TV: Coming up next on world of war. Hitler and Eva Braun: crazy in love.
 * Moe: Even you let me down Hitler.

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 * Marge: Aww, Homie, you always mean to say the nicest things.

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 * Moe: Excuse me, is this the seminar where you learn to pick up free escorts.
 * Chalmers: Well, we're not learning how to fold cloth napkins.
 * Ned Flanders: Well, I got excited for nothing.

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 * Bart: Take that back! (pushes Milhouse)

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 * Lisa: I find your decision to go back to blue empowering.
 * Marge: I thought you found my decision to go from blue to gray empowering.
 * Lisa: As a feminist virtually everything a woman does is empowering.

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 * Ralph: Grandma had hair like that when she went to sleep in her forever-box.

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 * Homer: Have you noticed how pizzas have gotten so small.
 * Woman: I know, they are like dimes.

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 * Patty: So it's true, your hair committed blue-icide.

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 * Homer: Uh-oh, usually when it gets this quiet, Mr. Burns is standing behind me.
 * Mr. Burns: Actually, I'm standing in front of you.

Angry Dad: The Movie

 * Bart: That's Angry Dad, the semi-autobiographical web cartoon I created.
 * Homer: I legally forced him to say "semi".

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 * [Homer causes the animators' cubicles to collapse by kicking one over]
 * Bart: Hey Homer, how would you like to be the voice of Angry Dad?
 * Homer: It would be an HONOR!!!

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 * Herman Melwood: Don't thank me, thank Hollywood for being completely out of good ideas.

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 * Homer: [to Bart] My little Roman Polanski.
 * Marge: Homer!
 * Homer: What? What's wrong with being Roman Polanski?
 * Marge: [whispers in Homer's ear]
 * Homer: He what?! YOU MONSTER!! [starts strangling Bart]

The Scorpion's Tale

 * Skinner: Now, remember to stay hydrated, and... [rattling noise is heard] AAH! Rattle snake! [it's shown that it's just Bart with a rattle; he laughs]
 * Chalmers: Hah! You fall for that every year, Seymour.
 * Skinner: In one year I didn't, and I was bitten by an actual rattle snake.
 * Chalmers: Yes, and if I recall, you took a sick day you did not have.
 * Skinner: But I was gonna lose my foot!
 * Chalmers: Of which you have two.

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 * Lisa: These flowers saved me from a terrible fate: not getting an A on my next science project!

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 * Homer: [to Lisa] If you were a boy, you'd be a scientist!

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 * Abe: What did you do during the war?
 * Walter Hotenhoffer: World War II? I wasn't born yet!
 * Abe: It's funny how many Germans say that these days.

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 * Marge: It's like we've got our own monster!
 * Homer: Your grandfather is not a monster! Now, let's chain him in the basement until the circus comes to town.
 * Abe: Sounds good!

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 * Abe: Listen up Seniors! Together, we survived the Depression, won a few wars and put a man on the moon. In fact, the only mistake our generation made, was creating that generation! [points at Homer, Lenny and Carl dancing around Homer's burning car]

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 * Marge: Homer, I told you he wouldn't sleep through it.
 * Abe: In my day, women didn't make a sound!

A Midsummer's Nice Dream

 * Bart: Lisa's not here, man!

Love Is a Many Strangled Thing

 * Kent Brockman: Taking pity on the boy, the operators of Springfield Stadium open the stadium's retractable roof, in an attempt to dry his pants. Unfortunately, the stain was picked up by Russian spy satellites and President Dmitry Medvedev has taken the pants wetting as a sign of American weakness. A Russian flotilla has just entered New York Harb--

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 * Bart Simpson: Precious, is that you?
 * Homer Simpson: Yes Mama.
 * Bart Simpson: You think you're so pretty, where's my Lotto Ticket?!
 * Homer Simpson: I forgot, Mama.
 * Moe: "When I get a hold of you I..." Oh, Damn it! I typed an F and not a D... eh Delete, delete, delete... Oh Crap! I just sent donated $20 to Haiti!

The Great Simpsina

 * Lisa: Initiate Phase 2.
 * Bart: I forgot what Phase 2 is, but I'll assume we just dump the peaches like we discussed.
 * Lisa: Affirmative.
 * Bart: I'll assume that means "yes".
 * Lisa: Roger.
 * Bart: The name's Bart.

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 * Boy: I can see why they call you the "Great Simpsina".
 * Lisa: My friends call me Lisa.
 * Bart: She has no friends.
 * Lisa: Shut up!

The Real Housewives of Fat Tony

 * Lisa: This is our house. There's nothing buried here but hopes and dreams.

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 * Lisa: Bart, I haven't been selling the truffles. I have been eating them.
 * Bart: Really? Why?
 * Lisa: Vegetarian food is so boring! Pasta! Soy! You know what's a bad pizza topping? Broccoli!

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 * [both Marge and Homer are drunk]
 * Marge: Now, which is our room again?
 * Bart: You know. It had that painting of that lady and that monster on the ceiling.
 * Marge: That was a mirror!

Homer Scissorhands

 * Lisa: Okay, first of all, it's never wise to use the word "spew" in a love song.

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 * Lisa: Why would a popular fifth grader like Taffy be interested in a Milhouse like Milhouse?
 * Bart: I dunno. It's one of those mysteries, like how do my clothes get clean, and put back in my drawers?

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 * Lisa: Taffy's up to something, and I won't find out what it is sitting on a computer. It's time to get boots on the ground! [cut to Lisa putting flower-patterned boots to her feet] [sweetly] You like my boots?
 * Bart: Once you get past the sister ick, they're fine.

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 * Milhouse: You don't want me to be with you, you don't want me to be with someone else. How miserable do I have to be before you're happy?
 * Lisa: Milhouse, I...I...oh. [Lisa kisses Milhouse]
 * Milhouse: Lisa, does this mean you like me?
 * Lisa: Yes. No! I don't know! It means that life is full of unexpected things and you should never give up. And you're cute in the moonlight.  [Milhouse faints and falls off the cliff.  A bald eagle flies up with Milhouse on its back]
 * Milhouse: Everything's coming up Milhouse  [Lisa smiles]

500 Keys

 * Lisa: What's this key with the plastic skull for?
 * Bart: That's for my box with the real skull.

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 * Lisa: So how come we have all these other keys?
 * Homer: Well, if you live long enough, you'll start to accumulate things. This is from a gas station's men's room. They put a block of wood on it so you don't walk away with it.

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 * Lisa: I've discovered a mystery wrapped in a riddle in the basement of a lousy school!

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 * Homer [grabs a beer from the fridge in the Duff blimp cabin]: Hmm. Is it drinking and driving if you're flying a blimp? Maybe I can find the answer by texting. "Yo...Lenny...do you know anything about...driving...a...blimp...while...drunk?"
 * [The blimp wedges itself into a tunnel, then amazingly comes out unharmed]
 * Homer [after hearing the blimp squeaking]: What was that?

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 * Homer: Hey, kids! If I tossed you guys a bucket full of something, could you pour it out and toss the bucket back up? Don't drink it!

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 * Lisa: That's where the ice bridge would be. Go down.
 * [Homer sends the blimp into a free fall]
 * Lisa: Dad, stop!
 * Homer: But...ooh, there's so many (two) buttons.
 * [Lisa presses the stop button, managing to avoid a crash]
 * Lisa: [falling from the blimp] AAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! [sees bus 23 in the river] Oooooooh!

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 * Chalmers: Skinner! When I say "drive us to Bolivia", that is your cue to start the damn car!
 * Skinner: I can't find the key.
 * [Chalmers points in Bart's direction]
 * Bart: Looking for something?
 * Skinner: Yes! My car key.
 * Bart: Does it look like this? (shows that he got Skinner's car key)
 * Skinner: Yes. Quite a bit.
 * Chalmers: He's got your key, Seymour.

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 * Lisa: There are two things you didn't count on: my dad getting a giant wedding cake, and my sister locking herself in the car.
 * Skinner: We planned for the wedding cake, we just didn't see the baby thing coming.
 * Chalmers: Well, you should've.
 * Skinner: How could I? She wasn't even born yet.
 * Chalmers: People have babies!

The Ned-Liest Catch
(some probably 1985 song is unseen'ly and heard'ly featured)

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 * Lisa: Actually, I do have a speech prepared.
 * Skinner: Excellent, Lisa. Freeplay cancelled.
 * Children: Aww.
 * Bart: No one cancels my freeplay.
 * [Bart breaks Milhouse's glasses]
 * Bart: Sorry, man.
 * Milhouse: It's OK, thanks for making me part of the revolution.

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 * Moe: Woah-woah-woah. No leaving until we all spook you on Edna's face. All right, pipe down back there, you'll get your chance.
 * Barney: Aw, come on Moe, quit hogging the Face.

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 * Bart: Teachers aren't allowed to live close to their students. They are natural enemies, like Abraham Lincoln and George Washington.