The Simpsons/Season 24

The Simpsons (1989–present) is an American animated sitcom broadcast by the Fox Broadcasting Company created by Matt Groening. The series is a satirical depiction of American life, epitomized by the Simpson family.

Moonshine River

 * Marge: Just once I'd like your father to be on a Jumbotron for something good.


 * Homer: You've learned a very valuable life lesson, boy. Which is that love doesn't exist except briefly between a man and a woman before marriage. After that, it's just hanging out with someone who kinda hates you, but you can't get it together to leave.


 * Bart: Come on, Dad. You love New York, now that your two least favorite buildings have been obliterated: Old Penn Station and Shea stadium.


 * Moe: If the late great Nora Ephron taught us anything, it's that - oh, what's my other inflatable doll doing here?!?

Treehouse of Horror XXIII

 * Bart: Now to get my comic book and explore a world where no one's mad at George Lucas.


 * Bart: It's Homer before his boobs came in.


 * Homer: Awww, sweetie, sometimes a mysterious invisible being from hell waits for a family to go to sleep then kills them. Now, go to bed.


 * Homer: A black hole...(whispering) I'm sorry, can we call it that?


 * Homer: Come on, you can't look at that infinitely dense little guy and not want to feed it something.


 * Frink: Oh my God, Particle!


 * Moe: Man, soccer's even boring for the ball.


 * Satan-Moe: (reacting to Homer giving oral sex to him which is censored by a blanket on the camera) Ohhh yea-- Cinnamooooon cinamon CINAMOOOOON!

Adventures in Baby-Getting

 * The Rich Texan: Stopping all Americans from voting is for the protection of all Americans.


 * Homer: Marge, I was just being a good husband by pretending to agree with you while secretly undermining your agenda.


 * Bart: Oh no, Lisa's face! It's the same.


 * Lisa: I hope you're happy. You all just wasted your time working your way into an after school class. Bart, Milhouse, Nelson, and Ralph: Aahhh!


 * Homer: Geez. I mean I'm no Luis Guzmán, but I'm alright.

Gone Abie Gone

 * Homer: Wait, the frog in the trench coat is Kermit too.
 * Lenny: All the frogs in that show are Kermit. Keeps all the other frog actors out of work.


 * Moe: Hey, don't you badmouth this country. Compared to the rest of the third-world, we're doing great.


 * Homer: That's one way to avoid drunk driving.
 * Marge: Another way is don't drink.
 * Homer: I'm not Superman.

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 * Homer: And I don't think you're boring. It's just that in today's multi-channel environment you have too many choices. Look at Sunday night! There's like eight amazing shows, none of them on Fox.

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 * Homer: Happy Anni...birth...tine's...shark week?

Penny-Wiseguys

 * Lisa: But I promised Paul McCartney I wouldn't eat meat.
 * Lunchlady Doris: And I promised Paul McCartney I wouldn't sleep with John.

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 * Dan: Fat Tony, a word?
 * Fat Tony: How about meringue?
 * Dan: That's a great word.

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 * Fat Tony: We are bleeding red ink, which is the only thing we should not be bleeding.

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 * Homer: [saddened] Oh, what I wouldn't give for an anvil to fall on me. [an anvil falls on him] D'oh!

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 * Dan: How do you keep finding me?
 * Homer: You really should tweet less.
 * Dan: But everyone deserves to know what I'm thinking all the time.

A Tree Grows in Springfield

 * Homer: A paper-based read-a-ma-jig? What are we, cavemen?

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 * Lisa: Willie, I love your chaps.
 * Willie: Me pants are ripped out!

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 * Marge: I don't care for silent auctions. It just encourages hovering.

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 * Homer: Free Tibet! You heard me, free him now!

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 * Homer: "Hope"? Is this one of those coincidences, like Jesus on a tortilla or George Washington on a dollar bill?

The Day the Earth Stood Cool

 * T-Rex: T.V.? We don't own a T.V.
 * Lisa: I didn't know that was an option.

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 * Homer: No one judges my wife's thunder bags.

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 * Homer: Wearing scarves in non-scarf weather is the essence of cool.

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 * Marge: The kids are a mess. You brought them home exhausted and pretentious.

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 * Marge: You're all bald.
 * Homer: No, I'm young person cool-bald. Not old person sad-bald.

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 * Terrence: You know there are now restaurants there with two locations. Not near my kids.

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 * Homer: Beat it, ducks! I'm not old enough to have food for you. I'm sexy. Young and sexy!

To Cur with Love

 * Burns: I insist you never wear shoes or a proper necktie again. Just house slippers and the most humiliating tie there is - bolo.

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 * Herman: God closes a door, he opens a gunshot.

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 * Homer: Well, that's just how dogs are. The most disloyal, unfaithful creatures God ever made.

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 * Grampa: Unfortunately, like all true stories, this one has a crappy ending.
 * Bart: You have a story with an ending.

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 * Bart: He's alive!
 * Marge: And he didn't pee on the floor.
 * Grampa: For me, that's a perfect day.

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 * Lisa: I love that dog...but that is one long, stupid name.

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 * Homer: That's right, your lord sticks his hand in his pants. And yes, it is the same hand I tapped you with.

Homer Goes to Prep School

 * Homer: Listen, I gotta know. You're not just being nice to me because, in a pinch, you could make candles from my fat.
 * Lloyd: Well, that is a big part of it.
 * Homer: It's okay. I know what I am.

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 * Homer: Do not question the wisdom of Tom Skerritt.

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 * Moe: Well, Homer's gone. Let's all go into our suspended state 'til he gets back.

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 * Homer: If Jesus had a gun, He'd be alive today.

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 * Homer: Marge, this is it. TEOTWAWKI.
 * Marge: The end of the world as we know it?!?

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 * Homer: I guess despite all our so-called civilization, anarchy lurks around every corner like a racially diverse street gang on a network cop show.

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 * Bart: Dad, what would you do if you got my ear in the mail?
 * Homer: I don't know; feed it to the dog.
 * Bart: You'd have to wrap cheese around it.
 * Homer: Don't you tell me how to feed you to the dog!

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 * Fun Center Supervisor (on her cell phone): I hate working here. At least at Krusty Burger, you can burn yourself and go home.

A Test Before Trying

 * Bart: Looks like Mr. Vanilla just grew some chocolate chips.
 * Seymour: Save your analogies for the analogy portion of the exam.

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 * Lisa: So how's the studying going?
 * Bart: When I start, I'll tell you. (lies down on the bed)
 * Lisa: (sensually obsolete) This is the most selfish thing you've ever done! You're letting your friends go hang because you are lazy, and selfish-- (Bart closes his eyes slowly) hey, are you falling asleep just to spite me?

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 * Lisa: Spinach Farm, huh? You talk in your sleep!
 * Bart: Lisa, I want to pass the test, but I need your help and I had all sorts of problems. Lack of attention, I'm afraid of ovals, I only know 24 letters-- (Lisa closes her eyes that Bart done earlier) don't you fall asleep on me!

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 * Lisa: Well, Bart. I hope you're happy. All my extra credits are like frequent flyer miles on a bankrupt airline.

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 * Chalmers: I hate waiting. That's why I hate risotto.
 * Skinner: Even mushroom risotto?
 * Chalmers: What do you think?!?

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 * Mrs. Krabappel-Flanders: We got hired at this school to escape accountability. Who's gonna hire a hire a lunchlady who's been accused of murdering her husband?
 * Lunchlady Doris: Never convicted. They couldn't find the body. Anyone care for some chicken Pete pie?

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 * Homer: When I found out shrimp cocktails had no alcohol, I really lost interest.

The Changing of the Guardian

 * Homer: Like all childless couples, they troll the beaches waiting for the egg-layers to wander off from their young.

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 * Homer: Worry-wart Marge. You don't look a Trojan horse in the mouth.

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 * Bart: All you need to know is that I'm a politeness monster who eats "pleases" and farts "thank yous", ma'am.
 * Lisa: I'm exactly the kind of kid he's pretending to be.

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 * Marge: I think I hear a slight accent.
 * Woman: Mid-Atlantic.
 * Marge: *gasp* That's where they filmed The Wire! Step on it!

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 * Homer: What women really want is a guy who's confident enough to go completely downhill after marriage and know she'll still love him.

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 * Cletus: Anything new that wanders into this house ends up in the stew pot.

Love is a Many-Splintered Thing

 * GPS: Switching to male voice, so you will obey.
 * Homer: Finally, a supervisor!

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 * Mary: [singing] There ain't not never no place none better than home. Count the negatives, it all works out.

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 * Bart: You got star quality, like the Hulk in movies other than The Hulk.

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 * Milhouse: I can't wait to use your moves on Lisa.
 * Lisa: Eww. On every level, eww.

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 * Bart: I'll be more attentive to your needs on the seesaw. I'll stay down there as long as you want.

Hardly Kirk-ing

 * Homer: "Spot the hidden objects." Boy, you're pretty pushy for a book I just met.

<hr width=50%> (after Marge tells them that she's banning TV from the house)
 * Homer: Honey, this sounds like a noble experiment, but like Prohibition, it will end in a hail of bullets.

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 * Bart: That's the way people talk about Ralph. Ralph, whose favorite color is peanut butter.

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 * Homer: (to Kuddle on the tablet) If I might you, why do I need all these books?

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 * Bart: Dad, what are you watching?
 * Homer: I think it's a Terrence Malick movie.

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 * Homer: We're taking Maggie to the bookstore, so she can learn the way kids did from 1910 to 2002.

Gorgeous Grampa

 * Bart: (to Lisa) Your father wasted his life his whole life being married to your mother and having you. We got to find him a boyfriend before it's too late.
 * Lisa: Why don't you put a personal ad on the Internet? That's how young people date these days.
 * Bart: It's weird that you don't consider yourself a young person.
 * Lisa: I know. It's weird to me too.

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 * Grampa: I don't ride side-saddle. I'm as straight as a submarine.

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 * Burns: Hello, Smithers. Fancy seeing you in casual encounter park.

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 * Homer: Oh, my gay dad is gay for gays.

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 * Homer: Writing is for bathroom walls and acting is for getting out of DUIs.

Black Eyed, Please

 * Hibbert: You may never see a film in 3D again. (chuckles)
 * Homer: But the storytelling is finally catching up to the technology.

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 * Lisa: Why does someone become a bully?
 * Jimbo: Neglect.
 * Dolph: Abuse.
 * Kearney: I'm a Cubs fan.

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 * Ned: (after seeing a weird church in the devilish cave) No, not Surf n Murf!

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 * Edna: I know you feel guilty about about cold-cocking Homer.
 * Ned: Please don't use that word in bed.

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 * Ned: I want you to punch me in the eye. If you do, then we're even according to Exodus, Leviticus, and Matthew.
 * Homer: You went and hired a law firm, eh. That's pretty aggressive.

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 * Ned: Come on, Homer. I'm insisting on a fisting.
 * Smithers: What's this about a fisting?

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 * Ned: Homer, I can't believe you're partaking with my parents.
 * Homer: Yeah, it's medicinal; we had a pain in our neck!

Dark Knight Court

 * Burns: How much for your entire collection?
 * Comic Book Guy: Um, the speed of light expressed in dollars.
 * Burns: [to Smithers] Just give him Faraday's constant.

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 * Martin: Who could have shoved eggs up our brass?

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 * Cletus: Egg don't belong in a chicken's eye. It belongs in her pee-poo-birth-hole.

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 * Lisa: Bart must not be judged by these kids. But by a jury...of kids, mostly these kids...there's only so many kids.

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 * Bart: Pass the gravy, Gloria All-Wrong.

What Animated Women Want

 * Homer: Listen, we swore we'd never go to sleep angry at each other.
 * Marge: I'm not going to sleep.
 * Homer: Well, you didn't have two beers with your lunch.

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 * Homer: Marge, I thought this was an innocuous lunch, but it's become terribly ocuous.

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 * Marge: The most romantic part of this was the hold music when I made the reservation.

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 * Waiter: I hope you are enjoying your sushi.
 * Marge: It's as yummy as your poorly produced local commercial says.

Pulpit Friction

 * Homer: Well, I'm not one for taking new jobs on a whim. But as we say in the snow plow business, I'm your astronaut.

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 * Helen: Why won't someone blame the children?

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 * Moe: Bring out your beds. Bring out your beds.

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 * Homer: Boy, why are your friends so dirty?
 * Bart: Dunno. Why are your friends such drunks?
 * Homer: Touche.

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 * Homer: Hehehe, the brain is so stupid.

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 * Lenny: (as the frog licks his own eyeball) Ow! He took my contact. (the frog licks his own eyeball again) Ow! Now I got two in own eye.
 * (Everyone started panicking about frogs.)
 * Moe: Remember you said when hell freezes over? I think this is close enough.
 * Lindsay: Huh, I'm in no position to argue.

The Fabulous Faker Boy

 * Milhouse: Did you ever wonder if hippopotamuses think that rhinos are unicorns?

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 * Homer: My head hairs! I'm bald!

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 * Moe: There's sexy bald like...uh...Babar, king of the elephants. I read his books as a kid. He married his cousin Celeste. That was my takeaway.

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 * Martin: Let me go. I have a swim lesson with a gorgeous lifeguard.
 * Dolph: What gender?
 * Martin: You're not allowed to ask.

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 * Homer: We don't get together to share our emotions. We get together to escape them!

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 * Carl: Why don't we talk about it over at Moe's?
 * Homer: It's not even noon.
 * Carl: Yeah, I got a watch, egghead.

The Saga of Carl

 * Homer: Sorry, Carl, it's WWII all over again. America kicks Iceland's ass.

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 * Homer: And I'm 69 because people always laugh when you say "69." Hehe, no one knows why.

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 * Homer: [realizes the pop-up ad "Ki-Yah! Karate Monsters"] What the? Change the channel? But I'm watching soft core tennis!

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 * Moe: Yeah, I always go with three, the number of brothers and sisters I, uh, Hunger Gamed in the womb.

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 * Patty: So, now you're going to get hit on by ever loser in town.
 * Selma: And this town has losers like Mexico has headless corpses.

Dangers on a Train

 * Homer: Hey, those Yelp reviews don't write themselves. Did you know a well-placed one-star could destroy a "Mom and Pop" hardware in nothing flat?

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 * Homer: Just call me Borders Books 'cause I'll always be here.

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 * Ben: Accidental motherhood is the best thing that can happen to a woman.

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 * Ben: Whoa!, A is for apple, right?