The Simpsons/Season 25

The Simpsons (1989–present) is an American animated sitcom broadcast by the Fox Broadcasting Company created by Matt Groening. The series is a satirical depiction of American life, epitomized by the Simpson family.

Homerland

 * Wiggum: When I look at people, I don't see colors; I just see crackpot religions.


 * Marge: He's like a husband in a widow's memory, perfect.


 * Lisa: Bart, why is the dad I've always wished for creeping me out?
 * Bart: I don't know, 'cause you're incapable of experiencing joy?
 * Lisa: Point taken.


 * Bart: You have some big underpants to fill. I didn't know they made underoos in size 52.
 * Homer: They're called superoos, son, with pictures of the cast of The Expendables.
 * Bart: More like The Expandables.


 * Homer: I'm not sure man who eats right and doesn't drink can be good in bed.


 * Homer: Oh, I've been listening to this song for three days, and it's only the end of the first verse!

Treehouse of Horror XXIV

 * Homer: Marge, they knew what they were getting into when their parents sold them to the circus.


 * Burns: I don't hand out candy, you son of a Grinch.


 * Homer/The Fat In The Hat: Now hop on my cycle, there's nothing to fear. And we shall have candy...and maybe some beer.


 * Homer/The Fat In The Hat: (his dying words after Maggie stabs him) I'm frightened of nothing/Not even hellfire/Just don't ever let me be played by Mike Myers.

Four Regrettings and a Funeral

 * Reverend Lovejoy: So, is there truly anyone among us without regrets?
 * Agnes: I have no regrets.
 * Seymour: Really, Mother?
 * Agnes: Oh, I didn't see you there.
 * Mr. Burns: Speaking of return on investments, my Apple stock is up 3,500%.
 * Homer: Aw, you misheard that on purpose!


 * Milhouse: Why are you doing this, Bart?
 * Bart: 50% attention-seeking, 50% to drop things on people.
 * Ralph: He's gonna visit my sky granny.


 * Rafael: (to Homer) That's a ball-proof window, sir. Would you like me to ask Siri for a nearby hospital?
 * Siri: (to Rafael) I'm sorry, I don't see any "hops petals" near you. Deleting all contact information.
 * Rafeal: No, no, I didn't ask you to do that, Siri. I...
 * Siri: Delete confirmed.


 * Ned Flanders: Pray for a miracle, boy. God can hear you better from up there.
 * Bart: (Pray to God) Dear Lord, please help me land safely. Or transform this basket into a flying killer robot that I control with my mind. Amen.
 * Ned Flanders: That's not a prayer.
 * Bart: My God says it is.


 * Marge: It's all my fault. I should never have listened to those KISS albums when I was pregnant.
 * Chief Wiggum: (to Marge) Marge, with all due respect, that's ridiculous. My Sarah listened to Mozart and Churchill speeches when she was pregnant with Ralphie, and he can't even open a refrigerator.

YOLO

 * Eduardo: Did you hair burn off in a fire that trapped you in a candy factory?
 * Homer: D’oh


 * Bart: I feel kind of melancholy.
 * Homer: Hmm...melon-collie.


 * Ned: That sounds salty, but you seem sweet. I'm going to call you kettle corn.


 * Willie: You want me to carve it into a thank-o-lantern?
 * Lisa: No, this is good.
 * Willie: Well, this knave's got to carve something.

Labor Pains

 * Moe: Read 'em and weep. The novels of Charlotte Brontë.
 * Carl: I thought we were playing cards.


 * Homer: You like lies? Here's a few: College is expensive, but it's worth it.

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 * Homer: I'm sorry, Homer, Jr. You'll occupy an idealized place in my heart that no one can ever quite fill.
 * Bart: Therapy, please.
 * Lisa: Me too.

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 * Lisa: I'm a Schwarzenegger wife!
 * Homer: But you're also the housekeeper. So it's all good.

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 * Homer: (After imagining telling Marge about Homer Jr.) This simulation has been brought to you by your brain, a subsidiary of your penis.

The Kid is All Right

 * Moe: Alright, '80s party! Where's the beef? Tear down that wall because I think the beef is behind that wall.

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 * Principal Skinner: I must say, Lisa, it was amusing to see you thoroughly de-high-horsed.
 * Lisa: That isn't a word.
 * Principal Skinner: Oooh, back on the saddle she climbs.

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 * Principal Skinner: It's called precipitation because it never fails to precipitate bad behavior.

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 * Lisa: Excellent! [tents fingers] What am I doing? Untent! Untent!

Yellow Subterfuge

 * Skinner: You're like egg salad at a picnic, Simpson. Even when you look good, we know you're going bad.

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 * Lisa: You could do what Everybody Loves Raymond did.
 * Krusty: Go off the air while I'm still good? That horse has left the stable, gone to the glue factory and has been used to make art projects.

<hr width=50%> [after Bart complains to Marge because the family does not believe in him]
 * Homer: Bart, sweetie. This is an opportunity for you to turn things around... yet again. And I believe in you... yet again.

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 * Bart: [sobs] Skinner didn't let me go. [sobs]
 * Homer: Really? Oh. I bet that submarine isn't so fun anyway.
 * Bart: [sniffs] You think so?
 * [''in the submarine]
 * Navy captain: Fire that torpedo, Milhouse!
 * Milhouse: Aye-aye! [presses a button] Where did it go?
 * Navy captain: It was just imaginary.
 * [outside the submarine, the Springfield lighthouse blows up]

White Christmas Blues

 * Gloria: Well, there's a rec room off the kitchen. But sometimes it's there and sometimes it isn't. Our house is very odd that way.

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 * Quimby: Don't you idiots see what this means?
 * Lenny: Idiots? Why do we re-elect this guy?
 * Carl: Because his opponent has a long Slavic name.

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 * Gloria: Global warming. Huh, by pure coincidence every scientist was right.

Steal This Episode

 * Gratman: I'm here to arrest and hopefully stage the prison suicide of the mastermind of this operation: Homer Simpson!

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 * FBI Troop 1: Copyrighted material!
 * FBI Troop 2: Don't look at it!
 * FBI Troop 3: Somebody sell me a ticket!
 * Gratman: Get your earmuffs on and your blindfolds on. We were trained for this.
 * [he shoots Homer's laptop and the projection screen reads "NO SIGNAL"]
 * Gratman: [grabs Homer from climbing over a fence] From now on, the only place you'll be watching movies without buying a ticket is jail!

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 * Lenny: [on piracy] That was so much better than the cinema. It mixes the wonder of movie-going with the rush of stealing.
 * Carl: All we want is brand new, big-budget entertainment in our homes for nothing. Why doesn't Hollywood get that?

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 * Homer: That was the greatest thing I've seen on a computer that I could talk about with you in the room.

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 * Homer: Hey, they tricked us! That's a commercial! If I wanted to pay for commercials I can't skip, I'd sign up for Hulu Plus!

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 * Homer: Wait, you guys saw the new Radioactive Man sequel?
 * Carl: Uh, it's not a sequel, it's a reboot.
 * Lenny: Actually, this one undoes the stuff from the last one, so it's a deboot.

Married to the Blob

 * Bart: Homer, will you take me to buy a comic book Tuesday at midnight?
 * Homer: And miss the back half of Jimmy Kimmel? That's when he experiments, boy.

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 * Comic Book Guy: I cannot hide the snide inside!

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 * Comic Book Guy: The closest thing I have to a father is the Obi-Wan doll in my store, and he comes from a race of celibate knights so...

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 * Comic Book Guy: Nerds don't get girls!

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 * Comic Book Guy: Since I met Kumiko, strangely, comic books no longer seem so important. I will also be selling greeting cards. And, every day, I will give one to Kumiko in commemoration of today with the salutation, "Best... Day... Ever."

Specs and the City

 * Burns: Beware, rabbits. I spy with my transplanted eyes.

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 * Lisa: How does this mean anything when everyone's forced to do it?
 * Marge: What did I say about pointing out the meaninglessness of things?
 * Lisa: Not to.

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 * Nelson: Simpson, there's going to be a heart in my hand, either paper or yours.

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 * Marge: I'm afraid wives don't make passes at husbands who wear those glasses.

Diggs

 * Marge: Bart's usually first in line for taco night, but now he's muy tarde. Is it alright to say tarde?

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 * Homer: Pressure is how you make your beloved diamonds, Marge.
 * Marge: I don't have any diamonds.
 * Homer: Quit pressuring me!

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 * Homer: If God needs money, why doesn't he just write another Bible. The first one sold pretty well.

The Man Who Grew Too Much

 * Lisa: Nobody form any opinions while I'm gone.
 * Chief Wiggum: Well, hurry! We have no minds of our own.

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 * Homer: Don't you think the parts that aren't evil, are a little...pretentious.
 * Bart: Absolutely...we're talking about Lisa, right?

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 * Todd: We took the pledge.
 * Rod: We won't have sex until we're married.
 * Todd: To each other.

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 * Ned: Just tell them that God wants them to ignore everything in their bodies that God is making happen.

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 * Ned: (Sighs as he looks at his late wife, Edna Krabappel and wearing a black armband) Sure do miss that laugh.
 * Nelson: Ha-ha! I miss her too.

The Winter of His Content

 * Nelson: Simpson, I won't forget this. From now on, you and I are as tight as whiteys.

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 * Dolph: Well, you're gay for homophobia!
 * Kearney: Wow, you just made me gay for tolerance.

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 * Homer: Honey, Grandpa is the closet thing I have to a father and I love him, but three octogenocerauses?!?

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 * Homer: My lifestyle is my retirement plan.

The War of Art

 * Homer: Emojis! Now she's gone too far.

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 * Homer: Kettle corn, the heroin of the farmer's market.

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 * Homer: That's the great thing about art, everyone can have their opinion about why it sucks.

You Don't Have to Live Like a Referee

 * Skinner: So from now on, our cafeteria will only serve delicious Stuffwich's heroes, hoagies, and torpedoes.
 * Nelson: What about po' boys?
 * Skinner: Sorry, Nelson. Poor boys, such as yourself, will go hungry.

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 * Homer: The only thing that keeps me from living here is that fish that swims up your pee stream. That is a deal breaker.

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 * Superintendent: Skinner! I have seven other principals, and I've never yelled their names. Not even once.

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 * Dolph: Why are you concussing yourself? Why are you concussing yourself?

Luca$

 * Milhouse: A fat kid with a dream. I can't compete with that.

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 * Lisa: He's just Ralph with a dream, the dream of not ralphing.

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 * Homer: Whoo hoo! I've got a date with my daughter!
 * Cletus: Yeah, we've all been there. No need to act like you just invented air conditioning.

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 * Milhouse: I never would have suspected the one criminal in town.

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 * Patty: Justin Blobber over there doesn't remind you of anyone?

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 * Bart: Don't want to be seen with you when you're hitting bottom.
 * Lisa: At least we hope it's bottom.

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 * Homer: Wow…this looks just like the dress you wore on Project Runway!

Days of Future Future

 * Bart: Wow, now I see why they call you Miss Hoover. You must have been vacuuming for an hour.

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 * Frink: You used up all your clones you fat, fat, fat reckless, fat pig.

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 * Marge: You can live with your no good son.
 * Bart: Hey, what did I do?
 * Marge: Nothing for 30 years. You're perfect for each other.

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 * Bart: I am as healthy as a horse.
 * Marge: Horses only live 30 years.

What to Expect When Bart's Expecting

 * Homer: Oh, why are you doing this to me, booze? I drank every kind of you.

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 * Lenny: Why do they call this a yard of ale?
 * Carl: Easy. After you drink it, you're passed out in a yard.

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 * [Groundskeeper Willie has been talked into posing nude for Evelyn Trunch's art class]
 * Groundskeeper Willie: Oh, I just came in to take out the trash!
 * Evelyn Trunch: And you shall leave immortal! Also, take out the trash.

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 * Bart Simpson: I admit, I did make a voodoo doll of Mrs. Trunch. But I just asked for a stomachache, not a baby!
 * Principal Skinner: Classic wish maker's mistake: vague language.

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 * Homer: Do you know how embarrassed I was to get a call at my arraignment for my behavior during the pub crawl because of a voodoo curse my son placed on his art teacher?

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 * Bart: A minute of fun, a lifetime of work. I've never heard of a pregnancy like this.

Brick Like Me

 * Krusty: Come back, I'm a clown! I can't afford to look ridiculous!

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 * Homer: Marge, did you replace our regular mirror with a magical mirror from a mystical salesman at a weird store that if we went back to find it, it wouldn't be there anymore?
 * Marge: No.
 * Homer: AAAAHHH!!

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 * Homer: Get it together, Homer. I'm sure lots of people every time you look in the mirror and see a hideous flesh monster, just a one-time thing. (sees a reflection of normal self) Oh, brick me! (taps on the glass) Leave me alone! Why don't you go back to where you came from?

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 * Homer: (noticing the beer is plastic circles and reflects it to normal) What the--? This isn't beer. Beer is plastic circles. How can I drink-- this?

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 * Homer: Marge, would you give up eating steak in the matrix to go slurp goo in Zion?
 * Marge: We don't have that movie here.

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 * Homer: Oh, they're so cute when they're Duplo.

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 * Homer: It's not selling out. It's co-branding. Co-branding!

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 * Willie: Stop it! If you pull out these bricks, the whole school could collapse!
 * Bart: But there's a skunk in there.
 * Willie: (gasps) Scottish steak! (bursts into it, making the whole school collapse, except for the broom closet)
 * Skinner: You are going to rebuild on every brick of this school.

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 * Ralph: Yo soy el language lab!

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 * Comic Book Guy: As an adult who surrounds himself with child's toys, I represent the part of your psyche that prefers this artificial world!

Pay Pal

 * Bart: I want you to binge watch all the shows you've ever done.
 * Krusty: I've never said no to a binge.

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 * Rabbi Krustofski: What did the burning bush say?
 * Krusty: It said ow! Put me out! How many talking bushes do you think there are?

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 * Krusty: No one told me this roast would treat me the same way as every roast I've ever seen and laughed at.

The Yellow Badge of Cowardge

 * Lisa: [narrating] Bart won a blue ribbon, but was it worth it?
 * Marge: Lisa! Bath time!
 * Lisa: Mom! I'm narrating!
 * Marge: The water's going to get cold!
 * Lisa: Fine!

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 * Bart: I suck, you suck!

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 * Krusty: How can they say I'm past my prime? Me, the voice of Ovaltine.

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 * Lisa: [while the Gracie Films logo begins, but no music] Usher, will you stop that person who's shushing?