The Simpsons/Season 28

The Simpsons (1989–present) is an American animated sitcom broadcast by the Fox Broadcasting Company created by Matt Groening. The series is a satirical depiction of American life, epitomized by the Simpson family.

Monty Burns' Fleeing Circus

 * Marge: What a beautiful day for a family stroll!
 * Apu: [carrying his octuplets] Tell that to my aching back!
 * Bart: [groans] It's not a family stroll! Homer forgot where he parked his car last night and now we have to find it!
 * Marge: What a beautiful day to be in denial!
 * Lisa: Yeah, Bart, who cares? The sun is shining, birds are singing, people... are... staring up at the sky in terror?
 * [the family screams]
 * Homer: Do you see it, Lisa? There's... nothing... there.
 * Milhouse: And that's where Lard Lad used to be!


 * Lou: Uh... Looks like we better file a report with the Bureau of Missing Statues.
 * Chief Wiggum: Yeah. Be like that time that Rodin statue got stolen. What was the name of the statue again? Eh, ah, let me think. [sits on the statue's base imitating The Thinker] Um... thinking. Yeah... Still thinking. Still thinking...


 * Kent Brockman: In response to the outcry, Lard Lad's parent company, Tianjin Mining and Smelting and Donuts, has issued the following statement: "We are rebranding Lard Lad with an updated statue."
 * Homer: Ooh, rebranding!
 * Lisa: That just means admitting failure, Dad.
 * Homer: Ooh, admitting failure!

Friends and Family

 * Smithers: Come on, sir. You'll be late for your appointment.
 * Mr. Burns: Hush! No one must know I'm not in perfect mental health. The Kaiser would be furious!


 * [Mr. Burns walks down the medical complex's hallway]
 * Doctor 1: Hip joints! Who wants a hip joint?
 * Doctor 2: Eyeballs! Can't see without your eyeballs!
 * Doctor 3: Euthanasia! Sweet, sweet euthanasia!
 * Mr. Burns: Ooh! Can I buy it as a gift?
 * Doctor 3: No!


 * Dr. Nussbaum: I believe last week we were discussing your anger issues.
 * Mr. Burns: [angry] Anger issues? Anger issues?! Anger issues? Anger issues?!
 * Dr. Nussbaum: Yeah all right, I'm afraid our 50 minutes are almost up.
 * Mr. Burns: Sorry. You were saying?

The Town

 * Marge: I know you're in a hurry to go to the bar to watch football, but first, I want you to put the kids to bed.
 * Homer: Ugh!


 * Homer: [reading The Wizard of Oz] Everything after the tornado was a dream. The end!


 * Lenny: The only Boston wins is because they cheat! Listening in our teams' headsets, fattening our cheerleaders, you know, for three games last year, Boston used a volleyball painted brown!
 * Boston fan 1: That was never proven, you Springfield screw-job.
 * Moe: Ugh! Boston fans. In town for the Dennis Lehane book tour.
 * Lenny: Go kiss a Kennedy, you rule-breaking cranberry squeezers!
 * Boston fan 2: We don't cheat! We won 12 division titles in ten years, fair and square!
 * Boston fan 1: You dorks are just jealous of all our championship rings! [they start kissing their hands]
 * Homer: You're the one who's jealous. I only wish I could be as jealous as you!
 * Boston fan 1: Geez, Jay, this place has got more knobs than a hardware store. I hate this town!
 * Jay: So don't I. Frigging doorknobs [they laugh]
 * Boston fan 1: Automatic! [they kiss their hands again]

Treehouse of Horror XXVII

 * [Sideshow Bob gets out from behind a tree]
 * The Simpsons: Aahh!!! Sideshow Bob! [Kang or Kodos gets out from behind a tree] Aahh!!! One of you guys!
 * [the ghost of Frank Grimes merges from the ground]
 * Marge, Bart and Lisa: Frank Grimes?
 * Homer: Who?
 * Frank Grimes: I'm the guy who hated you. Hated you! Died from my hatred of you!!
 * Homer: [giggles] Good old Grimey.


 * Sideshow Bob: To the point, we are evil geniuses who, somehow, lost every battle we've had with Homer Simpson.
 * Homer: [eating tinsels] What?
 * Sideshow Bob: So we decided to form this furious four!
 * Frank Grimes: Bob, seriously man, one suggestion? Shut up! I mean, the baby is already asleep.
 * Sideshow Bob: Awww.


 * Frank Grimes: Will nobody stop these people? [clips from all previous episodes appear and a counter goes from 1 to 600] Oh, hi. How do you do, Children? I'm Frank Grimes. In Hell, they make you watch them all in a row. Welcome to our 600th Episode. Treehouse of Horror 27.


 * Milhouse: [suffocated inside a plastic bag] Why did Mom "DOUBLE WRAP"?!?!?!?
 * Frank Grimes: (narrating) Chief Clancy Wiggum arrests Lisa and Lisa is arrested for the murder.

Trust but Clarify

 * Krusty the Clown: Hey hey! What time is it, kids?
 * Kids: Product tie-in time!
 * Krusty the Clown: That's right! I'm introducing a new line of candy so delicious that the Krusty Corporation board of directors will stop threatening to oust me! [drum roll] Presenting: Krustaceans! They look like shrimp, they taste like candy, and they're organic! Uh... "Clown eats snack"? Uh-oh, this could get ugly.


 * Krusty the Clown: Hey hey, kids! Krusty won't be needing the spit bucket!


 * Bart: [eating the candy] Mmm! They are good!
 * Lisa: How did you get them so fast?
 * Bart: I'm a Krusty Prime member. $75.00 a month, but it's worth it.


 * Homer: I was in line for that job and I lost it to someone who barely speaks English! It's humidifying.
 * Homer's Ambition: Well, then why the hell don't you do something about it?!
 * Homer: Huh? Who said that?!
 * Homer's Ambition: Me!
 * Homer: Who are you?
 * Homer's Ambition: I'm your ambition!
 * Homer: How come I never met you before?
 * Homer's Ambition: I've been locked up for 30 years by Apathy and Alcoholism!


 * Lisa: [picks up a box of samples] We've got to get these samples analyzed. Bart, do you think we'll get out of here safely?
 * Bart: I think the guard's no problem.
 * [The robotic security guard is sleeping on his chair, cuts back to Bart and Lisa tiptoeing while Lisa carrying a box of samples]
 * Bart: Here comes our ride.

There Will Be Buds

 * Narrator: Well, it's the first Saturday in September, and that means one thing in Springfield. It's that time again! Opening day of peewee football! And everybody's headed down to Child Soldier Field to catch all the action! It all comes down to this, the first game of the year, perfect season on the line, and drunks are being rolled off the field. Ladies and gentlemen, your Springfield Neutrinos!


 * Lenny: They over-fogged the run-in!
 * Carl: They put those kids in danger just to psych up the crowd! [yelling] Yeah, are you psyched up now? Huh? Are you?!


 * Marge: Concussions!! [knocks Homer's soda into his hot dogs]
 * Homer: Concessions!!


 * Kent Brockman: Professor, what danger does this concussion threat truly pose?
 * Professor Frink: Uh... Well, Kent, these children will need their brains unbruised for the demanding, high-tech jobs of the future: polishing and buffing our robot masters.
 * Kent Brockman: Indeed. And here to defend youth football, we have Nelson's dad.
 * Eddie Muntz: Are you wearing makeup?
 * Kent Brockman: Is it worth the risk to your son's health when only point 1% of youth football players make it to the pros?
 * Eddie Muntz: You saying my boy doesn't have what it takes to play pro ball? Huh! Boy, show him your moves! Juke it, juke it!

Havana Wild Weekend

 * Kirk: Okay, vultures... uh... Okay, um...
 * H. K. Duff: Forget it! I'm out.
 * Kirk: Uh... Vultures, almost every kid wears a retainer, and that is not cool! [shows Milhouse's braces] But this retainer is a de-lamer. As it turns this grill from blah to bling! [puts a golden retainer on his mouth with "MILHOUSE" written on it]
 * Simpson family: Ooh!
 * Homer: Oh, now that's a Milhouse I'd marry!

Dad Behavior

 * Bart: [during a couch gag with the memorial of his family] Hello? Hello? [sits on the couch and holds the remote] Finally, I get the remote.

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 * Marge: Homer, are you ever planning on putting this stuff together?
 * Homer: Sure, right after I watch this DVD. [pushes the TV back to its normal position]
 * Marge: [groans] Just what are you watching that's so important? [grabs the DVD case] Outstanding College Mascot Fights?
 * Homer: S.E.C. edition.

The Last Traction Hero

 * Homer: No parking spots? Lousy butt-kissers coming in before noon, eating donuts are rightfully mine. (stops at a smart car) D'oh! Stupid smart car. (spots at an SUV) D'oh! Spot hogging SUV. (spots a sinkhole with two vehicles inside it) D'oh! Inconvenient sinkhole! (spots at a parking sign: "Created by Matt Groening") D'oh! Mandatory credit! (spots at another parking sign: "Developed by James L. Brooks, Matt Groening & Sam Simon") D'oh! "Developed By"? What does that even mean? (spots at an empty parking space) It's empty!

The Great Phatsby, Part 1

 * Homer: [narrating] In my younger and more vulnerable years, my father gave me some advice. He said, "The laziest way to tell a story is through voice-over narration."
 * Homer: [A mistake is made when he is on about the eating habits of the golden goose] "He eats just like I do, without swallowing." [This should have said chewing instead of swallowing]

The Great Phatsby, Part 2

 * Moe: [narrating] F. Scott Fitzgerald once wrote: "There are no second acts in American lives." But he never said anything about second parts in American TV shows.

The Cad and the Hat

 * Bart: Who the hell are you?
 * Bart's Guilt: I'm your guilt.
 * Bart: I don't have any guilt.
 * Bart's Guilt: You do now.
 * Bart's Denial: Don't worry, Bart. I'll protect you. I'm Denial.
 * [Bart's Guilt kills Bart's Denial and throws him out the window]
 * Bart: Ay, caramba!

A Father's Watch

 * Marge: I had a nightmare where that happened to Bart, but I never told you about it.

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 * Marge: Wait a minute?
 * Homer: D’oh?

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 * Homer: Oh, Bart, look what brought you got now for later.

Looking for Mr. Goodbart

 * Lisa: A Skunk-a-san! [Homer tries to throw Pokeballs at the skunk but it does not work] Why can't I capture you? [moves myPhone away, revealing a real skunk] Aah! It's real! [skunk sprays Homer] D'oh! [starts to lose consciousness then drops. cut to garage where Homer is in a tomato sauce bath]
 * Bart: Sprayed by a skunk. dad, that game is too dangerous.

Dogtown

 * GPS: Turn left.
 * Homer: You're the driver.

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 * Homer: Okay, kids. Give me your best worried looks. Ooh, that's good worried. Maggie, when we visit Gil, you should think about your mom and me disappearing forever, every time we step behind a wall.

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 * Lisa: Mr. Gunderson, they don't let saxophones in the ICU, so I'll just tell you the song I wrote for you. B flat, C, D flat, B flat, B, Long E ...

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 * Adolphe Sax: "Adolf", a name that will only be associated with beautiful music.