The Simpsons/Season 29

The Simpsons (1989–present) is an American animated sitcom broadcast by the Fox Broadcasting Company created by Matt Groening. The series is a satirical depiction of American life, epitomized by the Simpson family.

The Serfsons

 * [Marge cooks food for her family]
 * Homer: Aw, water soup again?
 * [Marge knocks out a three eyed crow and adds it to the soup]
 * Marge: Now, it's crow soup.
 * Homer: Ooh, I call an eye!
 * Lisa: Me too!
 * Bart: Me three!
 * Marge: And Maggie gets the break.
 * [Marge plucks the beak out and gives it to Maggie]
 * Maggie: Aaaeeey! Uh-Ah!
 * [Maggie uses the beak as a passy and sucks on it]


 * Lisa: Lousy nobles. We serfs are starving, while they're feasting and jousting and posing for tapestries, where they're friends with a unicorn. As if any unicorn would like them. Unicorns like nice people. I'm a nice person.


 * [Homer pokes his father's spider web, looking for his mother-in-law's]
 * Grandpa: Son, is that you?
 * Homer: No.

Whistler's Father

 * Bart: Isn't this great,baby alone time. Where's Maggie’s Peek-a-boo.
 * Lisa: Well, what do you think of my late pick-up room?
 * Ned: It's wonderful, hard to believe it's the same room they found all those dead rats in.


 * Lisa: Maggie, you can whistle? (she gasps surprisingly at Maggie's talent.) you're gifted too, maybe more gifted!

Treehouse of Horror XXVIII

 * Lisa: No one ever wants the apple. They must be afraid there's a razor blade in me.
 * Bart: [sarcastic] Yeah, THAT'S the reason.


 * [Homer eats a living chocolate bunny, who screams in pain]
 * Lisa: Daaaad! I can't listen to this horror!
 * Homer: Okay, I'm onto it.
 * [Homer bites the mouth off]
 * Lisa: Thank you.


 * Marge: Maggie, sweetie. You should be in bed.
 * [Maggie is revealed to be possessed by Pazuzu]
 * Maggie: No one leaves alive!
 * Marge: Ooooh, her first words!


 * Dr. Hibbert: Someone's starting their terrible twos. [chuckles]
 * Maggie: Someone's having an affair with his nurse!
 * [Bernice glares at Hibbert, who quickly takes out a thermometer]
 * Dr. Hibbert: Say "Ahh!"
 * Maggie: Aaaahhhh-DULTERER!


 * Maggie: [possessed] I am Pazuzu, demon of the southwest wind!
 * Lisa: Wait, wait, so you're not even as powerful as the south wind or the west wind? How lame is that?
 * Maggie: I used to be very important. Google it!

The Old Blue Mayor She Ain't What She Used to Be

 * Helen: She's completely cooked. Unlike the children she brought to the potluck.
 * Rev. Lovejoy: Oh, Helen is a bitter as the lemonade she brought to the potluck. What a terrible potluck that was.
 * Sideshow Mel: Why wasn't this a town hall event? I like to see them balance on the stools.


 * Homer: Marge, can you cook a Hot Pocket in the dryer?
 * Marge: Homer Simpson, the only time you shut your mouth is to keep food inside!

Singin' in the Lane

 * Reynolds: Well, here's $400, and screw you.
 * Bart: Wow. I finally found my path in life: socio.

Mr. Lisa's Opus

 * Homer: Why you little --
 * Bart: I'm not little. I'm 20, and I live at home.
 * Homer: Why you disappointing --
 * Bart: You know, you're choking someone who can vote.
 * Homer: But did you vote?
 * Bart: No.
 * Homer: Why you little --


 * Homer: Sweetie, marriages are like water heaters. They sit peacefully for years, until they explode in a fireball, ruining everything you own.

Gone Boy

 * Bart: Nothing good ever comes from trying.

Haw Haw Land

 * Otto: I brought my stems.
 * [Otto opens his coat to reveal a bag with stems in it]
 * Security Guard: Sir, this is a conference of science, technology, engineering, and math. [the points to a STEM sign]
 * [Otto walks to a DOPE sign]
 * Otto: But what about this one?
 * [Dr. Hibbert walks out of the room next to the DOPE sign]
 * Dr. Hibbert: Dialogue on pedriatric education.

Frink Gets Testy

 * Mr. Burns: I need you to tell me who is worthy of surviving the Apocalypse with me. I only want the sharpest razors in this town's Halloween candy.

Homer is Where the Art Isn't

 * Mayor Quimby: Did you know we had to lay off a third of the police force? That's right: Eddie.
 * Eddie: I used to have a gun!


 * Manacek: Your story had everything: a field trip, a dream sequence, Sideshow Mel.

No Good Read Goes Unpunished

 * Marge: We're going to spend family time together without watching TV.
 * Lisa: Mom is right - Americans watch way too much TV. How many hours? Let me Google that. [uses her iPhone and laughs] Instead of TV, I typed "TB"! Let me Google that!
 * [The family all start using their iPhones and consoles, to Marge's annoyance]
 * Marge: Turn off the devices, pronto!
 * Lisa: "Pronto!" Odd word. Let me Google that.
 * Bart: Hey, I'm doing something educational.
 * Marge: Educational, my foot! I saw pixels.
 * Bart: It's Tunnelcraft. A simulated world, where you explore, mine resources, and work with friends to build replicas of real buildings.
 * Marge: Can you die in it?
 * Bart: Yes.
 * Marge: It's a video game!


 * [The Simpsons are in a book store]
 * Homer: [reading book title] "Man-Killing Snakes of the Amazon".
 * Library Owner: Sir! Never say "Amazon" in a book store!


 * Lisa: Something that started decades ago and was applauded and inoffensive is now politically incorrect... What can you do? [glances at a picture of Apu]
 * Marge: Some things will be dealt with at a later date.
 * Lisa: If at all.

King Leer

 * Homer: If the beer's in a frosted mug, you're not alcoholic, you're an aficionado.


 * Marge: Homer, what's your favorite movie?
 * Homer: Fast and Furious 6.
 * Marge: And what's the theme of that movie?
 * Homer: Cars.
 * Marge: What was the OTHER theme?
 * Homer: [gasps] Family.

Lisa Gets the Blues

 * Homer: Well, we did it, kids. And the best thing is, the next episode will beat Gunsmoke.
 * Bart: What about all the episodes they made on the radio?
 * Homer: [mad] Have a beignet.

Forgive and Regret

 * Lisa: Oh, I hate confrontation.
 * [shivers then nervously glances at Bart]
 * Bart: So just leave your body.
 * Lisa: Ok.
 * [Lisa leaves her body and appears as a spirit]
 * Lisa: Oh my god! - Hey!
 * [camera pans downward to see Bart slapping Lisa's face. Lisa possesses herself back and pushes Bart]

Left Behind

 * Ned: [plays Christian parody rock music in the car]
 * Homer: Maybe we should talk.
 * Ned: Well, of course, my friend! Wanna talk about Jesus?
 * Homer: No.
 * Ned: Wanna talk about Ecclesiastes?
 * Homer: No.
 * Ned: Wanna talk about baby Jesus?
 * Homer: [turns Christian rock back on]

Flanders' Ladder

 * [As the family hook up the VCR]
 * Bart: Gross, the remote has a cord on it!
 * Homer: My first remote. Coincidentally, the same time I got fat.


 * Maude Flanders' Ghost: You've got to talk to me, Bart.
 * Bart: Leave me alone, leave me alone! The power of Homer's socks compels you!
 * [He holds them up; Maude screams and flees]


 * [Nelson and his gang confront Homer, wearing Ghostface masks and armed with T-shirt cannons]
 * Nelson: Maude Flanders says hello.
 * Homer: [cheerfully] Hello!
 * [They fire T-shirts at him, knocking him down]
 * Nelson: Let's move! [they leave]
 * Maude Flanders' Ghost: Thank you, Bart. I'm finally at peace. [starts to float away]
 * Bart: You know Ned remarried?
 * Maude Flanders' Ghost: He WHAT?!