The Simpsons/Season 34

The Simpsons (1989–present) is an American animated sitcom broadcast by the Fox Broadcasting Company created by Matt Groening. The series is a satirical depiction of American life, epitomized by the Simpson family.

Habeas Tortoise

 * Helen Lovejoy: I've noticed lately that people have been putting up quite a few little DIY free libraries all over town.
 * Homer [to Marge] What's DIY stands for?
 * Lisa: Do it yourself.
 * Homer: I'm trying to, but I can't.

One Angry Lisa

 * Homer: Mmm...jelly legs.

Lisa the Boy Scout

 * Male Hacker: Attention corporate overlords, we are Psuedo-Nonymous and we have taken over this broadcast. We are the anarchist collective of nameless hacktivists who published the internal emails of Waffle House, and brought Home Depot's 'Find a store near you' feature to its knees.
 * Female Hacker: Now we have hacked into the Disney corporation's servers and seized hundreds of thousands of hours of never-before-aired footage from the television show, "The Simpsons". Stories so ill-conceived, so idiotic, so controversial, so cringeworthy, so disturbing, so upsetting, so politically correct, so unwatchable, that their exposure will destroy the value of the very IP itself.
 * Male Hacker: Until we are paid a ransom of $20 Million in Bitcoin, we will air these show-destroying scenes one after another, starting now.




 * [The Truth About Lenny]
 * Carl: No, no, it can't be true!
 * Homer: It is true, Carl, there never was a Lenny.
 * [Lenny fades away.]
 * Carl: So, Lenny was just a figment of my imagination, I...I made him up?
 * Moe: Yeah, your psyche created "Lenny" to help you deal with a terrible trauma there.
 * Carl: What trauma?
 * Homer: Finding out your previous best friend isn't real, it's kind of a thing with you.
 * Carl: Huh. Hey, I've never seen you around before. I'm Carl, what's your name? (Steven appears.) Nice to meet you, Steven.
 * Moe: Aw crap, here we go again.




 * Male Hacker: Now you see we mean business, Disney. You will submit 20 Million in Bitcoin to our crypto wallet at the following address.
 * Female Hacker: Until the payment arrives, we'll keep playing these nonsensical clips no one was ever meant to see.




 * [Homer is mowing the lawn when Flanders opens his window]
 * Ned: I wouldn't mean to be unneighborly but would you know what happened to my old nostril skirt?
 * Homer: Mustache, you say? Hmm, let me think? Stroking this goatee I've always had... stroking stroking.
 * Ned: That's it!
 * [he throws a necklace with a cross on it out the window, angrily]
 * Ned: Boys, we're Jewish now.
 * Rodd: L'chaim!
 * Todd: To life!

Not It

 * Krusty: I blame cancel culture.


 * Mrs. Gumble: [to Barney] Have fun playing in the gutter!


 * Barney Gumble: It's floating. It's still floating! This is fun to me. I love you, paper boat!


 * Krusto: I'm Krusto, the dino clown in the whole wide world.
 * Barney: Uh, people who have to tell you they're funny usually aren't can I get my boat back, sewer dino clown?.

Step Brother from the Same Planet

 * Lisa: I'll sleep when I'm nine.

When Nelson Met Lisa

 * Nelson: Remember that principal we arrested for matricide?
 * Lisa: [gasps] Skinner killed his mother?
 * Nelson: No, mattress-cide. He ripped the tag off his mattress.


 * Ralph: The church is eating me.

Top Goon

 * Nelson: From up here the wads look like ants.
 * Moe: Hey, you wanna drop pickled eggs on 'em?
 * Nelson: Sure! [Moe hands Nelson a jar of pickled eggs to drop on people]
 * Moe: Yeah, Duff lets me use their blimp 'cause I buy up all the booze that the employees drown in.
 * Nelson: Pretty sweet for a couple of scuzzes.
 * Moe: Yeah, it's a big world down there, kid. And when its back is turned, you can steal anything you want from it. [Looks down as Nelson continues to drop the eggs] Ooh, that egg just hit a cop's horse. Floor it, Jimmy! Floor it!
 * [Jimmy revs the blimp and hightails it away from danger]

The Many Saints of Springfield

 * Rod, Todd: I found a pregnancy test. Yay!

Carl Carlson Rides Again

 * Carl: Don't talk about Moe's. Don't talk about Moe's.

Bartless

 * [At home, Bart is scolded by Homer and Marge for defacing library books]
 * Marge: Thanks to your little prank, 25 library books were ruined. Haven't we told you that books are precious?
 * Homer: I'm afraid to count how many times I've said that.
 * Bart: No, you weren't even there. I was just trying to make it fun for the kid. You never take my side.
 * Homer: Side? Get a load of this kid with a side. [Scolding Bart] How dare you defend yourself? You are the destroyer!