The Sopranos: Season 1


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The Sopranos (1999 – 2007) is an American television series, airing on HBO, about a fictional Italian-American Mafia family in Northern New Jersey that is led by mob boss Tony Soprano.

The Sopranos

 * Dr. Jennifer Melfi: What line of work are you in?
 * Tony Soprano: Waste management consultant.




 * Livia Soprano: Well, all I know is, daughters are better at taking care of their mothers than sons.
 * Tony Soprano: Yeah, and I bought CDs for a broken record.




 * Dr. Jennifer Melfi: With today's pharmacology, no one needs to suffer with feelings of exhaustion and depression.
 * Tony Soprano: Here we go. Here comes the Prozac.




 * Christopher Moltisanti: Louis Brazzi sleeps with the fishes.
 * Big Pussy Bonpensiero: Luca Brasi. Luca...
 * Christopher Moltisanti: Whatever.




 * Uncle Junior: (to Tony) You may run North Jersey but you don't run your Uncle Junior. How many fucking hours did I spend playing catch with you?




 * AJ: She's not coming. Grandma just called. She started crying and hung up.
 * Tony Soprano: She needs a purpose in life.
 * Carmela: Your mother is tougher than you think.
 * AJ: So what? No fuckin' ziti now?
 * Everybody: Hey!



46 Long

 * Brendan Filone: So my boy at Comley...said there's a truckload of Italian suits.
 * Christopher Moltisanti: Those unload fast. Mario'll take the whole load.
 * Brendan Filone: He said shipment moves Thursday, six a.m.
 * Christopher Moltisanti: Give me one good reason I should not jack this truck!
 * Brendan Filone: Hey, don't feel bad, its Junior's own fault. He gives us no choice except to do it again.
 * Christopher Moltisanti: Takin' that outrageous fuckin' tribute?
 * Brendan Filone: It's like not only does he shit on our heads, we're supposed to say thanks for the hat.
 * Christopher Moltisanti: It's not like I'm gettin' somewhere's playin' by the rules! Fuck Tony!
 * Brendan Filone: The books are closed...blow me.
 * Christopher Moltisanti: No, that's some true shit.
 * Brendan Filone: Come on, they're not confirmin' any new made guys, how come?
 * Christopher Moltisanti: Fuckin' chaos! Nobody knows whose runnin' things anymore. Guys, they don't even know who to make payments up the ladder to in some cases. I'm talkin' about the year two thousand. The millenium. Where do we go from here?




 * Brendan Filone: Yo, money, we said we'd meet out front. You're not even dressed.
 * Christopher Moltisanti: I'm taking a pass.
 * Brendan Filone: What? It's Italian suits, Christopher!
 * Christopher Moltisanti: There was a time in my life when being with the Tony Soprano crew was all I ever dreamed of. So what am I doing?
 * Brendan Filone: Come on, it's five fifteen.
 * Christopher Moltisanti: Maybe one reason things are so fucked up in the organization these days is guys running off, not listening to middle management.
 * Brendan Filone: Fuck Tony. That's a quote.
 * Christopher Moltisanti: We have to stick together, why be in a crew? Why be a gangster?
 * Brendan Filone: Hey coach? Suck my dick.




 * Special K: (A Comley truck approaches) Yo! Hey, yo! We need some help over here!
 * Brendan Filone: (Brendan Filone, Antjuan, and Special K hijack the truck) Okay, lets be very cool yo! Get down outta the cab!
 * Special K: You heard the motherfucker! Hurry up!
 * Hector Anthony: (Stepping out) Yo chill. I'm a friend of Billy's. Your friend on the inside.
 * Brendan Filone: Ya, cool. No probs here! Increase the peace, that's our motto.
 * Hector Anthony: I'm gonna take my lunch, okay?
 * Brendan Filone: Yeah, whatever. Come on! (Hector steps down and Antjuan tries to climb the truck)
 * Special K: Hold up man! You can't drive a Fisher Price. (Special K climbs the truck)
 * Brendan Filone: (Antjuan is holding his gun sideways) What is with the gun-point-sideways-shit! (Brendan fixes Antjuan's arm)
 * Antjuan: (Special K isn't able to drive the truck) Ha ha ha ha!
 * Brendan Filone: (to Special K) Get out! Come on, get down! (to Hector Anthony) You drive, I'll direct you! (Special K steps out and accidentally drops his gun, releasing a ricochet bullet that hits Hector Anthony)
 * Brendan Filone: Oh! Jesus!
 * Antjuan: Control yer shit fool! (Once they see Hector is dead, Special K and Antjuan run away)
 * Brendan Filone: Fuck. Oh fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck, Junior fuckin' Soprano's gonna go ape shit! Fuck!




 * Tony Soprano: You boys...you boys...I'll tell ya...it's beautiful stuff though. (about Italian suits they were left with after Brendan hijacked a Comley truck)
 * Brendan Filone: Ton', I'm so sorry-
 * Tony Soprano: Shut up!
 * Christopher Moltisanti: Just so long as you realize I had nothin' ta do with this Ton'.
 * Brendan Filone: Ton', that's true, he stood home-
 * Tony Soprano: Shut up! You stood home? Did you do anything ta stop it? Did you offer any guidance? What do we mean when we say leadership, hm?
 * Brendan Filone: Ton', part of it's the crank, you know, but I'm goin' into the detox, swear to my mother.
 * Christopher Moltisanti: Brendan, shut the fuck up. You wanna get me clipped?




 * Tony Soprano: You know, you got a reputation for immaturity, and its not gonna be improved by not paying the tributes the acting boss demands of you.
 * Brendan Filone: Acting boss my ass Ton'. Come on, everybody knows you really run things since Jackie became the Chemosabe.




 * Tony Soprano: Hey, mikey, how's the boy?
 * Mikey Palmice: What boy is that, ton'?
 * Tony Soprano: The one you sleep with.
 * Mikey Palmice: Ohh.
 * Tony Soprano: I was just kiddin' ya. How you doin'?
 * Mikey Palmice: I'm all right.
 * Tony Soprano: How's my uncle treatin' ya?
 * Mikey Palmice: We're coverin' our nut. Hey, your nephew, what's he,retarded? He likes to play with trucks or somethin'?
 * Tony Soprano: "Retarded"? What if jerry lewis heard you talkin' like that?
 * Mikey Palmice: Oh, that's muscular dystrophy, ton'
 * Tony Soprano: It's too bad they don't have a telethon for fuckface- it is, huh? They found a cure yet? Come on. I was just kidding you. Come on. You're a good sport. Come on.
 * Mikey Palmice: All right
 * Tony Soprano: You all right? You all right?
 * Mikey Palmice: Yeah. I'm all right.




 * Paulie Walnuts: Fuckin' italian people. How did we miss out on this?
 * Pussy Bonpensiero: What?
 * Paulie Walnuts: Fuckin' expresso, cappuccino.We invented this shit, and all these other cocksuckers are gettin' rich off it.
 * Pussy Bonpensiero: Yeah. Isn't it amazing?
 * Paulie Walnuts: It's not just the money. It's a pride thing. All our food. Pizza. Calzone. Buffalo mozzarella. Olive oil. These fucks had nothin'. They ate poopsie before we gave'em the gift of our cuisine. But this, this is the worst, this "expresso" shit.
 * Pussy Bonpensiero: Take it easy.



Denial, Anger, Acceptance

 * Brendan Filone: Un-fuckin'-believable. We just returned maybe the biggest score of my whole year.
 * Christopher Moltisanti: Listen you fuck! Uncle Junior's been breakin' Tony's balls 'cuz you hijacked that truck. You're lucky Tony doesn't shove the cab up your ass.




 * Mikey Palmice: I think you should've taken care of this Christopher Moltisanti thing the minute it first happened. You should've sent a clear-cut signal... You fuck with Junior Soprano-
 * Uncle Junior: Take it easy. We're not making a western here.




 * Hunter Scangarelo: We wanna score some crystal.
 * Brendan Filone: Yeah, you got money?
 * Christopher Moltisanti: Shut up, you ain't givin' them shit.
 * Meadow Soprano: Why not?
 * Christopher Moltisanti: How 'bout for starters your father will put a bullet in my head.




 * Brendan Filone: So why don't you call Tony, so he can call Junior, and see if we can change the fucking channel.

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 * Brendan Filone: Kids, you think you can protect 'em, well you can't.

Meadowlands

 * Christopher Moltisanti: This ain't negotiation time. This is Scarface, final scene, fuckin' bazookas under each arm, 'say hello to my little friend!'
 * Silvio Dante: Always with the scenarios.

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 * Tony Soprano: What the hell are you doin'? (after seeing Vin pissing near Green Grove retirement community)
 * Vin Makazian: This place is an hour from my office.
 * Tony Soprano: An hour? What are you a woman, get a bladder transplant, my mother lives here.
 * Vin Makazian: Yeah, well, that's not real convenient for me.
 * Tony Soprano: That's not convenient, I'm sorry, why don't we meet down by your precinct, you know the government would love a few pictures of us together for the scrapbook. (sarcastic)

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 * Uncle Junior: Hear about the Chinese godfather? He made them an offer they couldn't understand.

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 * Christopher Moltisanti: Brendan's dead. His brains are floatin' in his bathtub. Message job, through the eye.
 * Big Pussy Bonpensiero: Moe Greene Special.

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 * Yo Yo Mendez: Chris ma man.
 * Christopher Moltisanti: Surprised to see me?
 * Yo Yo Mendez: Heard they took you for a little ride to the meadowlands.
 * Christopher Moltisanti: Oh yeah?
 * Yo Yo Mendez: Heard you had a little "bm" out there.
 * Christopher Moltisanti: Okay, so you got my cut.
 * Yo Yo Mendez: They came and took it.
 * Christopher Moltisanti: Who?
 * Yo Yo Mendez: Junior Soprano's boys. They said you was out and its they corner now.
 * Christopher Moltisanti: You let them do that?
 * Yo Yo Mendez: I don't argue too well suckin' on a smith and wesson.
 * Christopher Moltisanti: You didn't beep me?
 * Yo Yo Mendez: Word on the street, you're out o' commision. Sorry man, business. Chris, you know there's no one I'd rather give my ten points to than you!
 * Christopher Moltisanti: It's alright. It's not your fault.
 * Yo Yo Mendez: He..I'm glad to hear you you say that man. (Chris slam kicks Mendez right in the nuts and proceeds to kick his ass) Ayy!!! Sneaky mother fucker!!! Ah! Shit!! Oh!!
 * Christopher Moltisanti: I don't care if they shove a scud missile up your ass. This is my corner. You pay any one but me, I'm comin' back for your thumbs. And that didn't happen what you said.
 * Yo Yo Mendez: Kill you...(lying on the floor messed up)

College

 * Christopher Moltisanti: Clipping a famous rat would put me a cunt hair away from being made.

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 * Tony Soprano: I'm in the waste management business. Everybody immediately assumes you're mobbed up. It's a stereotype, and it's offensive.

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 * Meadow Soprano: A couple of weeks ago, me and some friends, we were doing speed. We did kind of a lot of it for a while.
 * Tony Soprano: You what?!
 * Meadow Soprano: It was just between homework and SATs and just the general pressure of life, we needed something to keep going.
 * Tony Soprano: That crap will kill you.
 * Meadow Soprano: I know.
 * Tony Soprano: I oughta slap the shit outta you. Where did you get it?
 * Meadow Soprano: If I thought this was gonna be a lecture, I never woulda told you.
 * Tony Soprano: Take a reality check, what do you think I'm gonna say? Where did you get it?
 * Meadow Soprano: No way I'm telling you, especially after this reaction.
 * Tony Soprano: Why did you tell me?
 * Meadow Soprano: You were honest to me today. I won't be doing it again, it got too scary.
 * Tony Soprano: Jesus, right under my nose. Think you'd know.
 * Meadow Soprano: No dad, you won't.
 * Tony Soprano: I'm glad you told me, despite of everything.
 * Meadow Soprano: I'm glad I did too, I'm glad we have that kind of relationship.

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 * Tony Soprano: My father was in it. My uncle was in it. Maybe I was too lazy ta think for myself.

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 * Christopher Moltisanti: Yo.
 * Tony Soprano: What do ya got?
 * Christopher Moltisanti: Wet shoes.
 * Tony Soprano: Hey, you chose this life. You don't wanna work in the rain, try for the fuckin' Yankees.

Pax Soprana

 * [Mikey and another associate have been tasked with killing Rusty Irish]
 * Rusty Irish: Come on, Mikey, I didn't do nothing!
 * Mikey Palmice: Yeah, a poor kid committed suicide up here because of you.
 * Rusty Irish: Come on, you fucking know me!
 * Mikey Palmice: Yeah, I know you.
 * [They stop halfway across the bridge]
 * Mikey Palmice: Listen to me, boy. Listen to me. I'm gonna give you a break! I'm gonna give you a break. When I toss you over...
 * Rusty Irish: [tries to fight back] No! No!\\
 * Mikey Palmice: When I toss you over, if you can fly, I won't shoot you down! Deal?
 * [Mikey and his accomplice throw Rusty over the side of the bridge, and watch as he falls to his death. Composing themselves, Mikey notices some bystanders standing at the end of the bridge watching them. They walk up to the bystanders, and Mikey flashes a wad of money to one of them]
 * Mikey Palmice: "Oh my goodness. What happened here?"
 * Bystander: [takes the money] "Some sad shit. Motherfucker said he didn't wanna live no more. He jumped."

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 * Dr. Jennifer Melfi: When's the last time you had a prostate exam?
 * Tony Soprano: Hey, I don't even let anybody wag their finger in my face.
 * Dr. Jennifer Melfi: (Melfi cracks up laughing) I'm sorry, I shouldn't have laughed.
 * Tony Soprano: Don't apologize.
 * Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Oh boy...
 * Tony Soprano: You got a nice laugh.

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 * Tony Soprano: Alright, lemme hear it.
 * Jimmy Altieri: Rusty Irish.
 * Tony Soprano: What about him?
 * Larry Boy Barese: He took a header off the falls.
 * Raymond Curto: That's the closest that junkie fuck ever got to a bath.
 * Larry Boy Barese: Yeah, well I got news for you. That junkie fuck was my biggest earner. During the football season, he moved more cards than 10 guys put together. And another thing, a certain friend of ours should've checked with me before he did a favor for the old man Capri.

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 * Dr. Jennifer Melfi: What's the one thing, every woman, your mother, your wife, your daughter, have in common?
 * Tony Soprano: They all break my balls.

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 * Tony Soprano: All due respect to New York, I don't think you should be tellin' my uncle how ta run things.
 * Johnny Sack: You think I got the balls ta drive in from New York and tell your uncle how he should run his family? I shouldn't expect to see the Statue of Liberty again if I did that, huh?

Down Neck

 * Tony Soprano: I was proud to be Johnny Soprano's kid. When he beat the shit out of that guy, I went to the class, I told them how tough my father was.

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 * Livia Soprano: He goes to talk about his mother. That's what he's doing. He talks about me, he complains. 'She didn't do this, she did that.' Oh, I gave my life to my children on a silver platter, and this is how he repays me.

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 * Uncle Junior: I bet that gym teacher shit a brick when your little friend puked on his boots, huh Anthony? (Anthony Junior laughs)
 * Tony Soprano: Wanna encourage him Uncle Jun'?
 * Uncle Junior: Hey, whatever happened ta boys will be boys?
 * Carmela Soprano: He stole from the church.

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 * Old Woman: How come he's not in school?
 * Livia Soprano: Because he was a bad boy.

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 * Tony Soprano: (to Dr. Jennifer Melfi) Don't start talkin' ta me about legitimate business. What about chemical companies? Dumpin' all that shit into the rivers and they get all these deformed babies poppin' all over the place.

The Legend of Tennessee Moltisanti

 * Jeffrey Wernick: (Christopher watches Jeffrey Wernick on television) They will undoubtedly be focused on the, as yet unsolved, execution style slaying of Soprano family associate Brendan Filone. Was it part of a power struggle? My sources tell me that Filone...
 * Christopher Moltisanti: No one would ever had ranked him as associate.
 * Jeffrey Wernick: ...is a loyal soldier, if you will, and he winds up dead...for no as yet apparent reason.
 * Christopher Moltisanti: Soldier?! Brendan Filone...associate, soldier?! Fuck you! (Christopher throws his remote at the television)

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 * Bakery Clerk: You motherfucker! You shot my foot!
 * Christopher Moltisanti: It happens.

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 * Georgie: Fucking amazing though, huh? You know what, that news guy, he said the words Brendan Filone, I'm telling you, the hairs on the back of my neck stood up. I mean, I knew the guy.

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 * Christopher Moltisanti: I got no identity. Even Brendan Filone's got an identity, he's dead.

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 * Meadow Soprano: Boot your computer, the cops are coming.
 * Anthony Junior: So?
 * Meadow Soprano: You want them to see all that porno you downloaded?
 * Anthony Junior: Shit.

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 * Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Just so you understand,that i have to charge you for the missed session.
 * Tony Soprano: What are you talkin' about?
 * Dr. Jennifer Melfi: We agreed on that on our very first meeting.
 * Tony Soprano: I know, but i just explained to you my situation.
 * Dr. Jennifer Melfi: I understand, but it's important that we respect the agreement.
 * Tony Soprano: What if i got hit by a car?
 * Dr. Jennifer Melfi: But you weren't.
 * Tony Soprano: I know, but what if?
 * Dr. Jennifer Melfi: But you weren't.
 * Tony Soprano: I know that, but, but what if?
 * Dr. Jennifer Melfi: You weren't.
 * Tony Soprano: Why don't you answer my fuckin' question?
 * Dr. Jennifer Melfi: I will not.
 * Tony Soprano: You won't? All right, fine, fine. Here. Here you go.Of course, 'cause this is what it's all about? Motherfuckin', cocksuckin' money! Here.
 * Dr. Jennifer Melfi: I don't understand that comment, and i don't appreciate being made to feel afraid.
 * Tony Soprano: I don't appreciate feelin' like i pour my heart out to a fuckin' call girl.
 * Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Is that how you see me?
 * Tony Soprano: Not until now. But it's obvious you don't give a shit about my situation or what's happenin' with me! Otherwise, you wouldn't be shakin' me down.
 * Dr. Jennifer Melfi: It'll show as "paid" on your next month's bill.
 * Tony Soprano: Fine.Stick it up your ass.

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 * Meadow: Who invented the mafia?
 * Tony: What?
 * Meadow: La cosa nostra, who invented that?
 * AJ: Who cares?
 * Meadow: Wasn't it salvatore lucana, better known as charlie "lucky" luciano who organized the five families? Lucchese, gambino, bonnano, profaci.
 * Tony: Is there somethin' you wanna say to me?
 * Meadow: I just like history, like you, dad.

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Boca

 * Uncle Junior: 'Cause he's a fucking mental weakling.
 * Mikey Palmice: I know.
 * Uncle Junior: You don't know shit Mikey. He's seeing a psychiatrist fer chrissake. How about that huh? My nephew is seeing a psychiatrist. It makes me wanna cry.
 * Mikey Palmice: No shit...
 * Uncle Junior: Indictment's being prepared. He's spilling his guts.
 * Mikey Palmice: I fucking knew it.
 * Uncle Junior: No, you didn't fucking know it, I just told you.

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 * Anthony Junior: Hey grandma how come yous not supposed to breathe in a cemetery?
 * Livia Soprano: Who says?
 * Uncle Junior: It's a joke for chrissakes...say why.
 * Anthony Junior: 'Cuz you'll make the dead people jealous.

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 * Larry Boy Barese: Hey mama Livia, how are you? Do you remember me, Larry Boy Barese.
 * Livia Soprano: I know who you are. You lit an apartment house on fire and scared your mother half to death.
 * Larry Boy Barese: Momma's movin' in here on the 15th.
 * Livia Soprano: Oo, I like your shoes Larry Boy.
 * Larry Boy Barese: Eh, Momma hasn't been well in the mind. Last week she threw a jar of artichokes at me.
 * Livia Soprano: Well, she better not throw any artichokes at me.

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 * Coach Don Hauser: You tell your friends I know all about them.
 * Paulie Walnuts: If you did, you'd do what they want.
 * Coach Don Hauser: Heh...is that a threat? How quickly things change. Let me tell you something Guido...
 * Paulie Walnuts: My name is Clarence.

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 * Charmaine Bucco: Your mobster friend gonna do something crazy?
 * Artie Bucco: If I had any balls I would do it myself.

A Hit Is a Hit

 * Massive Genius: You people are alright. Godfather? I've seen that movie 200 times. Godfather II was definitely the shit. The third one, a lot of people didn't like it, but I think it was just misunderstood.

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 * Carmela Soprano: You know, Tony, it's a multiple choice thing with you. 'Cause I can't tell if you're old-fashioned, you're paranoid, or just a fucking asshole.

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 * Christopher Moltisanti: Hey, whose fuckin' welfare check you gotta cash to get a burger around here?!

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 * Friend: Hey, did you ever see that picture of Galante dead with a cigar hangin' out of his mouth.
 * Dr. Bruce Cusamano: It's a fuckin' beautiful hit.

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 * Massive Genius: Bold men make bold statements.
 * Christopher Moltisanti: Why'd they send you over, I'm lookin' for a burger, not converted rice!

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 * Hesh: You're talking to the wrong white man, my friend. My people were the white man's nigger when yours were still painting their faces and chasing zebras.

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 * Tony Soprano: Let me share wit' you what I suspect about this gangsta rap shit. I think you probably got a degree in sociology from a city college.
 * Massive Genius: I grew up in the projects, Delta-13, killed a man. Later on I got a degree, but urban planning.

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 * Carmela Soprano: You're kinda cute when you're bein' a bad boy.

Nobody Knows Anything

 * Tony Soprano: I'm not gonna hurt a man that I love because of some cop gossip from a degenerate fuckin' gambler with a badge. You understand me?
 * Vin Makazian: You know... You got an amazing ability to sum up a man's whole life in a single sentence. "Degenerate gambler with a badge." You're a pisser, you're a real pisser.
 * Tony Soprano: Well I'm sorry, I'm under a little bit of pressure here. I don't have time to suck your dick.

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 * Tony Soprano: Jimmy and Pussy. Two fat fucks with black hair.

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 * Mikey Palmice: I may be getting bumped up a notch or two. Tony Soprano's on his way out, and I mean as in forever.
 * Jojo Palmice: Oh, my god. He's going to jail?
 * Mikey Palmice: No, the other forever...

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 * Tony Soprano: So, your father tells me you're takin' up uh...astronomy in college.
 * Kevin Bonpensiero: No...business.
 * Tony Soprano: Well, how come he keeps sayin' you're takin' up space in school?

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 * Tony Soprano: This better be good. I was takin' my kid fishin'.
 * Vin Makazian: Ah, Jesus, what...no hiya Vin, how's it doin' Vin, what do ya think Vin...
 * Tony Soprano: I...I...I thought we understood each other, right? I don't give two shits about you, your family, or whether you take it up the ass.

Isabella

 * Jimmy Altieri: (At a funeral) Junior. Hey.
 * Uncle Junior: Jimmy. How ya doin' kid?
 * Jimmy Altieri: How many o' these things we gotta go ta? Brendan Filone's mother at the kid's funeral...the way she carried on...
 * Uncle Junior: Fuckin' manners.
 * Jimmy Altieri: I just want you ta know, I always thought ya had that right too, you know...(Jimmy does a gun motion with his hand)
 * Uncle Junior: Jimmy, lemme tell you somethin'. Don't worry about what I know.

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 * Mikey Palmice: Junior, are you alright?
 * Uncle Junior: Pork chop boy was here, that fuckin' Altieri. Runnin' his mouth about the Brendan Filone hit. Is that what him and my other capos talk about behind my back at that fuckin' old folks home?
 * Mikey Palmice: Well, the meeting's adjourned at the green grove.

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 * Donnie Paduana: They'll do it fucking tomorrow, my personal guarantee.
 * Mikey Palmice: Let me tell you something Donnie, if they don't, some hikers are gonna find your personal guarantee rolled up in a tube and shoved up your ass, you understand?

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 * John Clayborn: (Gets out of car) Yo sir. Excuse me.
 * Christopher Moltisanti: (In car) What?
 * John Clayborn: Could you pull forward so we could get out?
 * Christopher Moltisanti: Alright, give me a minute?
 * John Clayborn: Police department.
 * Christopher Moltisanti: Where's your badge?
 * John Clayborn: Man, I said move this piece of shit fucking now!
 * Christopher Moltisanti: Get the fuck out of my face.
 * John Clayborn: (Walks back to his car and sits next to Rasheen Ray) We gonna have to waste this motherfucker too?

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 * Tony Soprano: Nothin's gonna happen.
 * Carmela Soprano: Wake up Tony. It already did.
 * Tony Soprano: I took an oath Carmela.
 * Carmela Soprano: What are you, a kid in a treehouse?
 * Tony Soprano: Did you ever tell anybody about me goin' ta see Melfi?
 * Carmela Soprano: Is that why they tried to kill you? Because you're seeing a psychiatrist?
 * Tony Soprano: What're you talkin' about? It was a carjackin'.
 * Carmela Soprano: At least have the decency not to lie to me.
 * Tony Soprano: What do ya wanna do Carmela? You wanna move to Utah? Be Mr. and Mrs. Mike Smith? We...we can sell some Indian relics by the road. Maybe start a rattlesnake ranch.
 * Carmela Soprano: This is our chance ta get out Tony. We could start a whole new life.
 * Tony Soprano: Have some Mormons over the dinner. Eat some tomatoes that have no taste.
 * Carmela Soprano: You know what I want Tony? I want those kids ta have a father.
 * Tony Soprano: They got one. This one. Me. Tony Soprano. And all that comes with it.
 * Carmela Soprano: Oh you prick.

I Dream of Jeannie Cusamano

 * At a meeting
 * Uncle Junior: Jimmy; does that answer your concerns?
 * Jimmy Altieri: I think a lot of good ground was covered.
 * Uncle Junior: OK, I guess that is it.
 * Meeting is adjourned. Junior talks privately with Tony
 * Uncle Junior: You are right; it is him.
 * Tony Soprano: All of the sudden having a meeting to discuss facts we have already covered. He is wearing a wire.
 * Uncle Junior: You have my OK. Just make sure you send a message to everybody else.
 * New York City. Chris surprises Jimmy by inviting him to an orgy
 * Jimmy Altieri: Who was it who told me you hated Russians?
 * Christopher Moltisanti: The two men Junior brought around to pound my ass were Russian. For a while I was bitter. However, Tony's cumare is Russian; you could not ask for a nicer girl. These two tonight are friends of hers.
 * Jimmy Altieri: I got enough cologne on?
 * Christopher Moltisanti: You smell like Paco Rabanne crawled up your ass and died.
 * Jimmy Altieri: Whoah, easy for you to say. I don't get young ones like before.

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 * Tony Soprano: (Artie Bucco holds a rifle to Tony's face) My mother?
 * Artie Bucco: Oh, don't say she's lyin' Ton'...because why would she!!!?
 * Tony Soprano: What she tell you, my mother?
 * Artie Bucco: Don't make it worse. Do me the respect of not treating me like a fuckin' idiot piece of shit. When you blew up the restaurant, you made me party to a criminal conspiracy, did you ever stop ta think about that?
 * Tony Soprano: I don't know what she told you, my mother, of all people...two arson investigators gave that fire a clean bill o' health Artie. Why the fuck would I blow up your restaurant?
 * Artie Bucco: To help me! You fuckin' bent psycho! You hear your uncle's gonna hurt my business by stagin' a hit in my place and that's yer solution?! To burn it down for the insurance money!!! What kind o' stupid, sick, twisted logic!
 * Tony Soprano: Ask yourself a question. Am I that fuckin' stupid, huh? Am I that fuckin' stupid, really...?

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 * Dr. Jennifer Melfi: I have patients who are suicidal!
 * Tony Soprano: Well they're not gonna feel any better about their life if you get clipped.

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 * Christopher Moltisanti: My friend Brendan, you shot him in his bathtub, naked. No chance to run.
 * Mikey Palmice: I swear to god, it wasn't me! It was Junior. He hated that kid, it was him.
 * Christopher Moltisanti: Yeah right, it was Junior. Mr. Magoo.
 * Mikey Palmice: Oh c'mon please. Please. (Chris shoots Mikey)

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 * FBI Interrogator: You prefer Corrado or Junior?
 * Uncle Junior: I prefer Mr. Soprano.
 * FBI Interrogator: Your tenure as boss was a short one. Actually, it was unusual in several ways. Let me put this to you as simply as I can. You can avoid sentencing on these charges if you will testify that in fact, you were not the boss of North Jersey, that in fact, your nephew, Anthony Soprano, was and is. That he de facto controlled your capos with the backing of two of the New York families, communicating through their emissary, John Sacrimoni. We want Johnny Sack. But more than him, we want Mangano and Teresi.
 * Uncle Junior: I want to fuck Angie Dickinson, let's see who gets lucky first.