The Suite Life of Zack & Cody (season 3)

22 Episodes by June 23, 2007 - September 1, 2008

Graduation [#66]

 * Barbara: I'm taking five AP classes.
 * Cody: I'm taking six.
 * [Barbara steps on Cody's toes.]
 * Barbara: Oww!
 * Cody: Steel-toed boots.


 * London: So, Moseby, Which do you like better, this island with this yacht and this bathing suit, or this island with this yacht and this bathing suit?
 * Mr. Moseby: Frankly, I don’t give a hoot.


 * London: Maddie, you know what I like about summer vacation? Not being locked up in a stuffy school until noon everyday.
 * Maddie: London, some of us actually come back to school after lunch.
 * London: And I suppose you go on Fridays, too. (laughs)
 * Maddie: Yeah, silly me.


 * Cody: [to Zack] You know, Mom's really gonna be mad when she finds out you're not graduating.
 * Zack: Well she can't be too mad when she finds out I saved a life.
 * Cody: Whose life did you save?
 * Zack: (tries to shove an apple into his mouth) Here, choke on this.


 * London: [to Maddie] I'm spending the summer on my yacht. What are you doing?
 * Maddie: Working here. Oh, yeah, and when I get home, I get to help mom gut fish and apply pimple cream to my dad's hairy back.
 * London: Ooh, I just had a baby barf!


 * Sister Dominick: Yoo-hoo, London! So, what are we girls talking about?
 * London: Fish guts and hairy pimples.
 * Sister Dominick: Ooh, I just had a baby barf!


 * Zack: Except that I didn't graduate, okay!
 * (Everybody gasps)
 * Moseby: There's a shock! (takes back his gift and steps away)
 * Kurt: What are you talking about?
 * Zack: I faked the whole thing.
 * Carey: I don't, I don't understand. I mean you have a diploma...(unrolls fake diploma and sees the truth) This is a picture of a girl wearing a bikini.
 * Kurt: (looks at it also) Uh, she's hot! I mean...it's hot...at the beach...that's why she's wearing a bikini...
 * Carey: Zack, why did you do this?
 * Zack: Because you tried to bake a cake and Dad left his tour, and I didn't want to disappoint you guys again.
 * Kurt: Don't sweat it, dude, it's okay. (Carey smacks him in the gut) OOF!!! I mean, you are so in trouble!


 * Mr. Forgess: [to Zack] We have a little problem. You seem to have failed English.
 * Zack: Wait, what?
 * Mr. Forgess: You won't be graduating with your class.
 * Zack: No, no, no, no, no! I need to graduate with my class! If I don't graduate, I'll have to go to su... su... su...
 * Mr. Forgess: ...mmer school.
 * Zack: Yeah, that's it.


 * Cody: Zack, what are you doing here? This is only for the people who are graduating.
 * Zack: Well, I figured if I showed up a plan would just hit me. BAM! Wait a minute...wait a minute...oh, I got nothing.
 * Cody: Well, at least you're not trying to forge a diploma, sneak into graduation and hide from Mom the fact that you're going to summer school for six weeks.
 * Zack: Genius!
 * Cody: I was being facetious.
 * Zack: Huh?
 * Cody: (sarcastically) Hard to believe you're failing English.
 * Zack: There's only one problem. There's only enough caps and gowns for the students who are graduating.
 * Cody: (sarcastically) Gee, why don't you steal someone else's?
 * (Zack kisses Cody on the head)
 * Zack: Again with the genius plans! No wonder they call you the vale...vale...vale-accordion!


 * London: Hello, oh hey, Maddie, how is camp?
 * Maddie: Terrible, these girls are savages, come rescue me!
 * London: Don't worry, I'll get the Tipton helicopter, I'll be there right away.
 * Mr. Moseby: I'm proud of you.
 * London: Really?
 * Mr. Moseby: Missing a massage to help a friend.
 * London: Oh, I forgot about my shiatsu. Oh, well, Maddie can wait.


 * Barbara: Cody, I'm sorry I got upset before. After all, I creamed you in the math competition and you didn't get mad.
 * Cody: Well, I wouldn't say creamed. But it doesn't matter, because I annihilated you at the spelling bee. And by the way, that's annihilated with 2 Ns and an "h".
 * Barbara: Oh, that's spelling bee wasn't fair. Your word was so easy, my dog could have spelled it.
 * Cody: Ha! I doubt it. I met your dog, and he's an idiot. (Barbara stomps on his foot) OWWW!


 * Maddie: (to London) What took you so long? Did the storm slow you down?
 * London: No, I added an extra 20 minutes to my massage because your call really stressed me out.
 * Maddie: I hate you!
 * London: I have the helicopter!
 * Maddie: Love you. Let's go!


 * Cody: (to Zack) Now, what you need is tell the truth and promise to do well in summer school.
 * Zack: You're right. Honesty is the best policy. Give me that water. (puts water on his cheeks) Mom's a sucker for a sob story. Dead puppy, dead puppy, dead puppy. OK, let's do this.


 * Barbara: Oh Cody, I just know it's going to be you.
 * Cody: No, Barbara, you deserve it, you're A+ every subject, including dimples.
 * Barbara: (giggles)
 * Cody: Oh, there they are.


 * London: Don't worry. My other helicopter is on its way from my beach house in Newport.
 * Jasmine: You have a beach house? I live in a one-bedroom apartment with five brothers and sisters. And we share one toothbrush.

Summer of Our Discontent [#67]

 * Mrs. Bird: Mark, you circled A, B, C and D for every question.
 * Mark: It's hard to pick just one letter.
 * Mrs. Bird: Not for me: F!


 * Cody: Mr. Moseby, can I have a job?
 * Mr. Moseby: Sorry, we're not hiring hooligans.


 * Zack: (sees Haley, a girl in his class) Hi, I'm Zack. And you are?
 * Haley: Shy! Painfully shy. Don't look at me! (takes a bag and puts it over her head)

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 * Brick: (to Carey) Hey, ya got a date for the prom?
 * Carey: (uneasily) Oh shucks, if only you'd asked me sooner.

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 * Mr. Moseby: (to Cody) You've just set up a date, which is not a date someone thinks is a date, and the other person thinks is an interview. I mean, what could possibly go wrong?
 * Cody: You're right. Maybe I should be there disguised as a plant.
 * Mr. Moseby: (sarcastically) Yeah, that'll fix it.

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 * Mr. Moseby: Millicent, how are the candy sales this morning?
 * Millicent: Sales? I'm supposed to charge people for candy? (whimpers)
 * Mr. Moseby: Yes, that would explain the cash register!
 * Millicent: Oops! I thought it was an ATM! I guess this cash belongs to you. (gives Mr. Moseby money)

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 * Cody: Hey, London. Do you think you can do me a itsy bitsy favor?
 * London: NO!
 * Cody: You have no idea what I was going to say.
 * London: You were going to say there's this guy who's obsessed with me because I'm the most amazing person in the world and he just has to have a date with me.
 * Cody: (stutters and hesitates) Th-th-that's not what I was going to say a-a-at all. (smiles nervously)

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 * Mrs. Bird: Since this is summer school, I thought we would start with some thematic poetry about summer. (the class looks around, confused) Oops, sorry. I mean, some rhymy words about the hot time.

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 * Zack: Why is it so hot in here?
 * Carey: Because it's summer school, which you have to go to for failing the eighth grade.
 * Zack: Just English class. Besides, plenty of our greatest leaders failed the eighth grade.
 * Carey: Like who?
 * Zack: There was that Abe guy, with the beard and tall hat. He lived in Gettysburg and died at the movies.
 * Carey: And, yet, you passed History.

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 * Zack: Word, Bird. Hey, I'm a poet and I didn't know it. I can make a rhyme anytime.
 * Mrs. Bird: Me, too. Did I mention you have detention.

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 * Mrs. Bird: Zack, I don't understand. You were doing so well. What got into you?
 * Zack: My underwear! And I didn't want it to happen again.
 * Carey: (enters the classroom) Hey, Zack, let's go!
 * Mrs. Bird: He's not going anywhere. Zachary has detention.
 * Carey: Detention?!? Great, now I'm stuck here, too! (sits at a desk) Listen, young man, you had better not fail out of summer school. You're runnin' out of seasons. If you think that I am going...
 * Mrs. Bird: SHHH!!! No talking!
 * (Carey makes a zipper motion to her lips)

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 * Mrs. Bird: I must admit, I am impressed by your test scores.
 * Brick: Thanks, Zack.
 * Mark: You're the best!
 * Haley: [to Zack] I love you.
 * Mrs. Bird: Starting today I'll be making the tests a lot harder.
 * Brick: I hate you, Zack.
 * Mark: Yeah! You're the worst!
 * Haley: I love you. [group stare] The heart wants what the heart wants.

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 * Carey: Zack?
 * Zack: Don't disrupt my class again or I'll give you detention!

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 * Mrs. Bird: (reading a poem) "Two roads diverged in a yellow wood." Now, from the first line, can anyone tell me what season it is?
 * Brick: Paprika?

Sink or Swim [#68]

 * Lance: London, are you ready for your swimming lesson?
 * London: Shh! Lower your voice.
 * Lance: [deepens voice] London, are you ready for your swimming lesson?

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 * Lance: [sees the pool inside London's suite] Wow, rich people have big bath-tubs.

London: [On her smartphone with Maddie] That's why I need you to keep it quiet. if the tabloids hear about it, sales will go into the toilet.

Maddie: [On her smartphone with London] don't worry. your secret is safe with me. ''[She hangs up her smartphone. and Amy, Jasmine and the other two girls begin whistling to themselves.]''

Super Twins [#69]

 * Zack: You know, this Weather Warrior game stinks! You can't win with the lame superpowers they give you.
 * Bob: Not me. Captain Coldfront sneezes ice. I just snotted out half of Cityopolis!

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 * London: [thinking] Left, right, left, right, blink, breathe — ooh! Twinkly light bulb! [losing air] Breathe! Breath! [starts skipping] Skip, skip, skip.

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 * Cody: (sees Arwin pushing something with a sign labeled "Nothing Evil Under Here) Does that sign look suspicious to you?
 * Zack: I don't know. It went by so fast I couldn't read it.

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 * Zack: [racing up to Moseby, to stop his plan to turn all children into adults] I'm gonna take your machine!
 * Moseby: No, you're not.
 * Zack: Well, who's gonna stop me?
 * Arwin and Esteban: [grabs Zack by the wrists] That would be us!

Who's the Boss? [#70]

 * Chelsea: So,what does your mystery man Lance do?
 * London: He uh, saves lives.
 * Tiffany: Oh, he's studying to be a doctor.
 * Chelsea: [gasps] A plastic surgeon?
 * Lance: ''[walks in]" Hi, sweetie!"
 * London: Honey, I told you wear suit.
 * Lance: I am wearing a suit.
 * London: Not bathing suit, a dress suit, with pockets and other nice stuff.
 * Lance: Well, it's got a little pocket, on the inside the for my key, and it's waterproof.

Baggage [#71]

 * Cody: [complaining about a noisy party in the room above] Isn't that inconsiderate?
 * Zack: Yeah, it sure is. They didn't invite me.
 * Cody: You can't go! We need our sleep. We are finely tuned athletes in training.
 * Zack: We put cans... in bags!
 * Cody: But quickly!

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 * Wayne: [wearing Betsy Ross' dress] This dress is killing me.
 * Cody: [also wearing Betsy Ross' dress] Do these stars make me look fat?
 * Carey: I don't know. I'm still blind from looking at Wayne.

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 * London: Not so fast Lea.
 * Nia: It's Nia.
 * London: Whatever. Nia. Tia. Leah. Gia. Mia. Sia.

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 * Mr. Moseby: Well your track record does speak for itself.
 * London: Ooh. You were in track? I tried that once. But then they put little fences in front of me and I kept tripping. Plus, the other girls wouldn't wait for me.

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 * Carey: Mr. Moseby, don't you have an all-access card that opens every door in this hotel?
 * Mr. Moseby: Yes, but I'm afraid I left it at home.
 * Carey: Here, use Zack's.

Sleepover Suite [#72]

 * London: Zack! I can't sleep. I need my white noise machine.
 * Zack: And you're telling me this because...?
 * London: Sound like a tropical rain forest!
 * Zack: [makes tropical sounds]
 * London: Too apeman. Make wave sounds!
 * Zack: Woosh! Woosh!
 * London: More... French Riviera.
 * Zack: Le woosh! Le crash!

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 * Cody: Zack, keep London in the bath.
 * Zack: Great. I'll go grab my snorkel.
 * Cody: Nice try, dork-el.

The Arwin that came to Dinner [#73]

 * Arwin: Carey, wait. Aren't you gonna read a bedtime story? Mother always reads me a story.
 * Zack: Yeah, Mom used to read us stories too. Then we turned six.
 * Arwin: You're never too old for a classic. [takes out a book]
 * Carey: The Little Engineer That Could. Ahh, let me guess. It's about a hotel engineer that thought he couldn't fix something and then he can.
 * Arwin: You saw the movie!

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 * Carey: Arwin, don't you want to take a break and... go home?
 * Arwin: No, I should really stay and fix this.
 * Carey: But it wasn't broken when you got here.
 * Arwin: [yanks out cord from under sink] It is now!


 * Cody: We should invite him to dinner. It'll make him feel better.
 * Carey: Well I do have enough wheatloaf to go around.
 * Cody: Wheatloaf? We want him to cheer up, not throw up.


 * Nia: You know, London, I've been dumped before-
 * London: Oh, there's a shock. But I'm not like you. I've never been the dumpee. I've always been the dumper.
 * Nia: One more crack and you're gonna be in the dumpster.

Lip Synchin' in the Rain [#74]

 * Carey: Here, sing this [plays C note on harmonica] ♪ Do re me fa so la ti doh ♪
 * London: How am I supposed to remember all that?
 * Carey: Well... you could...uh, think of things that remind you of each note. [plays C note on harmonica] ♪ Do ♪
 * London: Ooh, that's easy! Dough means money!
 * Carey: ♪ Re, me ♪
 * London: Ooh. Yay, me! [claps]
 * Carey: ♪ Fa, so ♪
 * London: If something's far, I say "So?" because I have a private jet.
 * Carey: ♪ La ♪
 * London: "Law" is something you get to break if you're rich.
 * Carey: ♪ Ti ♪
 * London: My favorite vowel!
 * Carey: ♪ Do ♪
 * London: Yay! More money!
 * Carey: 'Kay. Now let's try putting it all together.
 * London: Dough! Yay, me! [claps] Far, So? Law, T [high-pitched and off-key] ♪ Dough! ♪ [glass on the table shatters] Mazel tov!

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 * Director: Okay, Maddie. Are you ready to bop the top? Because remember: we're all in this together.
 * Maddie: Okay, you're pushing it to the limit.

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 * Moseby: London, shall we get this dancing lesson started, I want you to get your money's worth.
 * Carey: How much is she paying you?
 * Moseby: Three diamonds an hour.
 * Carey: I'm only getting two. I got robbed.

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 * Maddie: I never got a lead role when I went to Our Lady of Perpetual Sorrow. Every single Christmas, I was the wise man who brought myrhh!
 * Zack: What is myrhh anyway?
 * Maddie: I don't even know, okay? The point is, I wanna get a part where I don't have to wear a beard.

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 * Cody: (after Mr. Baine faints) Anyone have any smelling salts?
 * Zack: I have an old gym sock in my locker.
 * Mr. Baine: (wakes up) I'm alright.

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 * London: If I am as bad as everyone says then....
 * Antonio: Oh! You are! What you do is a capital crime in all 50 states and Puerto Rico.

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 * Maddie: Everyone says I look exactly like Sharpay.
 * Mr. Baine: Really? I don't see it.

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 * Maddie: I can't believe I'm an understudy. It's insulting. I might as well be a lousy stage hand. (Zack stares at her) No offense.

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 * Antonio: So we all agree that London stinks like a dead fish on a city bus.

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 * London: What are we going to do?
 * Mr. Blaine: That's a good question. I got it. We'll do Singin In The Rain.
 * London: We have to learn a whole new musical. I barely know this one.
 * Mr. Blaine: We'll do what they did in the movie Singin In The Rain. (pointing to London) You lipsing while Maddie is behind the curtain doing the actual singing.
 * London: That's a brilliant idea.
 * Maddie: What's so brilliant about it? I do all the work and you get all the credit?
 * London: Yeah that's the brilliant part.

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 * Antonio: I'm taking five.
 * London: Oh me too. How much time do we have?

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 * Antonio: I will not risk my official reputation performing with (about London) that amateur. I have talent scouts coming to see me and London is bopping me right to the bottom.

First Day of High School [#75]

 * London: Fill this with candy! Maddie asked me to send it to her. She's spending a semester with her Aunt Arctica.
 * Nia: Antarctica is not a person. It's a continent.
 * London: You mean, like ketchup and mustard?

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 * Mark: I have to say, I prefer being a nerd. It's a lot more satisfying hitting the books instead of hitting someone right in the kisser!
 * Cody: Mark, how many fights have you actually been in?
 * Mark: Well, at least...none.

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 * Carey: Hey, Mr. Moseby. Fancy meetin' you here. (to Zack) You? Not so fancy. Wow, here before lunch on the first day. I think that's a record.
 * Ms. Militich: And you are...?
 * Carey: I'm sorry. I'm Carey Martin. I'm Cody's mom.
 * Ms. Militich: Oh, well, I called you about Zack.
 * Carey: I know. I just like people to know I'm battin' 500.

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 * Zack: Ah, Amber, it seems we have Biology class together.
 * Amber: This is Chemistry.
 * Zack: You feel it, too?

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 * Zack: [to Cody] You're a dork, no offense.
 * Cody: You know, just because you say "no offense" doesn't excuse the offensive remark that inevitably follows.
 * Zack: Well, in that case, you're a dork. Offense intended.

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 * Bob: Now that I'm in high school, I've decided to re-invent myself. I'm gonna be a jock.
 * Cody: (laughs) Oh, you were serious?

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 * Nia [to Vance]: Why don't you pick on someone your own size?
 * Vance: Like who?
 * Nia: Like me! (kicks his leg) See, now we're the same height.

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 * (After Nia kicks Vance, London is trying to decide on a color for her lounge)
 * London: What do you think? Blue or yellow?
 * Nia [to Vance]: I'm sorry, let me give you a hand! (shoves Vance into a set of lockers and his face drops into the pan of blue paint)
 * London: (picks up Vance's head for a closer look) Oh! Definitely blue! (drops his head back into the pan)

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 * Nia: This is terrible. Uncle Marion's gonna send me back to live with my mom.
 * Zack: Can I come with you? Because after this, I won't be able to live with mine.
 * (London and a bunch of girls walk by)
 * Ellen: London, let me go to your science class for you?
 * London: Thanks, but you don't look like me. Lenny Woo is going
 * Ellen: But he's a guy.
 * London: I paid him extra to wear a dress. (Lenny stumbles around wearing a girl's outfit with high heels)
 * Nia: I can't believe the princess is having a perfect first day. This stinks!
 * Zack: That could be the garbage in my underpants.

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 * Zack: Cody? You got sent to the principal's office?
 * Cody: Not sent, invited! She likes to meet all of her honor students.
 * Zack: It's the first day at school!
 * Cody: I did some work over the summer.
 * Zack: I hate you.
 * Cody: I know.

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 * (When Cody and London have been sent to the principal's office)
 * London: The only bright side of my day is that Nia's miserable, too.
 * (Nia comes down the hall with the same group of girls London paid to be her friends)
 * Ellen: We just think you're great, Nia. It's about time someone stood up to Vance. And I just know we're gonna be the best of friends.
 * Nia: Aw, thanks, Ellen! (she gives London a look, as if to say "Mm-hmm")
 * London: (gasps) I just realized if you buy your friends, they're not going to really like you for who you are.
 * Cody: (mocking fascination) REALLY?!? Congratulations, London. You learned something on your first day of school.
 * London: Yay, smart me! (claps her hands)

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 * Vance: Hey, Nia.
 * Nia: Don't make me paint you again!
 * Vance: Look, I don't wanna be a jerk anymore.
 * Nia: (indifferently) What do you want to be?
 * Vance: Your boyfriend. (looks shocked at what he said; Nia looks up) The way you stood up to me was awesome. And I think you're really cute.
 * (Nia giggles sheepishly)

Of Clocks and Contracts [#76]

 * Cody: London, there isn't enough money in the world to make me do your project for you.
 * London: Maybe not in your world; but in my world, I have enough money to buy your world.

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 * Cody: Well, why don't you conduct an experiment that conducts the principles of gene splicing?
 * London: Ooh, I can do that. I mean, I usually buy my jeans with holes already in them, but I can slice them myself.
 * Cody: Argh. This is like talking to a potato... We'll make a potato clock.
 * London: Why would a potato need to tell time? Ooh, I got it: so it knows when it's done!

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 * Zack: [to Carey] Hey, Mom! I need your help. I got gum in my ear.
 * Mr. Moseby: And nothing in your head.

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 * London: Cody, will you help me with my science project? The guy I used to use is all stuck up now that he won the Nobel Prize.
 * Cody: A Nobel Prize winner tutored you?
 * London: No, he just did the research and the writing.
 * Cody: Sorry, London, I can't help you. I have a book report due on Moby Dick.
 * London: I'll pay you.
 * Cody: The whale can wait!

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 * Nia: [to Cody] You like listening to all that classical junk, right?
 * Cody: If by "junk" you mean the music of Beethoven, Mozart and Bach, then yes.
 * Nia: Look, if you help me, I can get my hands on Uncle Marion's symphony tickets to hear Yo-Yo Mama.
 * Cody: You mean, Yo-Yo Ma?!
 * Nia: Whatever.
 * Cody: I'm your nerd!

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 * London: Cody?
 * Cody: London?
 * London: This is too hard!
 * Cody: It's two wires, a potato and a clock. How much easier could it be?
 * London: A lot... if you do it.
 * Cody: London, I'm not going to do it. I have my own book report that I have to finish.
 * London: If you finish this project for me, I'll write your book report for you. (London & Cody look at each other and then laugh) Seriously, finish the clock!

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 * (London and Nia smile while wearing matching outfits with advertising music in the background)
 * London: (like an advertiser) Everyone loves homemade French fries, but who has the time?
 * Nia: (same tone of voice) I don't. I usually have to pay those crazy drive-thru prices!
 * London: Well, not anymore!
 * (The girls unveil the Lightning Fry, which is their combined science projects that Cody helped them with)
 * London: With the Lightning Fry Maker, you can have delicious fries in seconds!
 * (London places a lid on the tray of potatoes and activates the Lightning Fry; an explosion is heard, and London removes the lid, revealing a stack of French fries; Nia samples one)
 * Nia: Mmm! Now that's a good fry!
 * London: If you call right now, we'll include a 50-pound bag of potatoes absolutely free!
 * (London heaves a bag of potatoes, but falls backward because of the weight of the potatoes; Nia doesn't react)
 * Nia: (quietly and quickly) $40 shipping and handling not included.
 * (London stands up)
 * London: Hurry! They're selling like hot cakes!
 * Nia: Don't you mean hot potatoes?
 * (London and Nia laugh and slap five)
 * London: Seriously, call. You won't regret it!
 * Nia: (quietly and quickly) Lightning Fry is not responsible for any injuries, accidents, or mutations that may occur while using this product.
 * (The girls smile and flash a thumbs up)

Arwinstein [#77]

 * Arwinstein: DaaaaaaDaaaaaaa
 * Cody: Aww. He said his first word.
 * Zack: Actually his first word was "Aaaargh!". But still Awwwwwww.

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 * Arwinstein: (exhausted) Ahhh!
 * Carey: I know I know I gained a few pounds but I go jogging everyday.
 * Arwinstein: Ahhh?
 * Carey: Would you believe three times a week?
 * Arwinstein: Ah?
 * Carey: Okay, I went yesterday.
 * Arwinstein: Ahhhhh!

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 * Zack: Hey, Arwin! Break out your chainsaw. I need help carving my Zack-o-lantern.
 * Cody: At least when you stick a candle in his head, he'll be bright.
 * Zack: (laughs) Hey, wait a minute!

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 * Zack: Arwin, there's something in the basement in your secret room!
 * Arwin: (nervously) I don't know anything about a secret room.
 * Cody: The one behind the bookcase!
 * Arwin: I don't know anything about a bookcase.
 * Zack: Arwin!
 * Arwin: I don't know any Arwin.

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 * Arwin: Last year, I had a costume that scared the bejeebies out of the entire staff.
 * Moseby: What'd you go as?
 * Arwin: You!

Team Tipton [#78]

 * Arwin: I love group hugs, especially with other people.

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 * Zack: Sorry, but in my defense: I didn't know it was a bagpipe. I thought it was the new super octopus, the one with eight arms.
 * Cody: In my defense: I'm not Zack.

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 * Nia: You must be Maddie. London's told me a lot about you. (shakes Maddie's hand) Your hair isn't that hideous!

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 * London: (about Millicent) Moseby, Moseby, Nervous Maddie just passed out again! (about Nia) Cranky Maddie isn't at the counter! (sees Maddie; gasps) Hideous Hair Maddie, you're back! (hugs Maddie)
 * Maddie: Suddenly I miss the frozen tundra.

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 * Cody: (sniffs Zack's shirt) Cologne... fresh shirt? Wow, Maddie should come home from Antarctica more often.
 * Zack: Yeah, well, my woman's back, and I'm ready to resume our relationship.
 * Cody: You mean the one where you hit on her and she laughs?
 * Zack: No. The one where she says, "You know, you look a lot like Zack, only older and a lot better looking."
 * Cody: Clearly the cologne has gone to your head.

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 * Maddie: [to Zack] There's a giant spider on your head!
 * Zack: I feel the same- wha, wha, wha, wha? Ah, get it off! Get it off! (throws the spider in the box; running while rubbing his head) Mommy! Spider! (Maddie looks at spider in the box)
 * Maddie: Shouldn't you tell him the spider's off his head? (Zack runs back)
 * Zack: Ahhh!
 * Cody: (to Maddie) Maybe later.

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 * Mr. Butteax: Okay guys, we're going to do a simple exercise about trust,

Patrick: It's not that lame old falling thing is it? Mr. Butteax: It's not lame! Now everyone pick a partner...
 * Arwin: Ooh! Dibs on Carey, Ha ha I picked Carey, you've gotta be faster than that.
 * London: I really don't trust any of these people so I'm just going to catch myself, here I go...(thumps, then gasps) I didn't catch myself.

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 * Arwin: Come on, Millicent, there's no "I" in team.
 * Millicent: There is in "injury."
 * Nia: Look either we can lift you up with two fingers [makes a fist] or I can knock you down with five. [sweetly] Your choice
 * Millicent: Lift away!
 * (Everyone then lifts Millicent up with two fingers)
 * Mr. Butteax: You see what can you acheive when you all work together.
 * Millicent: This is'nt so bad. It's actually fun.... Wee.

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 * Mr. Butteax: Okay, people. The best way to understand a co-worker is by stepping into their shoes.
 * London: But, I'm a dainty size 3, Maddie has the feet of Sasquatch!
 * Maddie: He means we act like someone else to see their point of view. For example, I'll be you! (imitating London) Mint me, Candy Girl! Even though you're busy, forget the other customers because I'm more important! Yay me! (claps hands)
 * London: (imitating Maddie) Sorry, London. I can't right now, because I have to tell you a boring story about one of my weird relatives. Do me a favor and pretend to listen, would you? While I go on, and on, and on wearing my really ugly clothes!
 * Nia: (imitating Maddie) Oh, and let's not forget, since I'm back from saving the penguins, I want everyone to drop what they're doing and do it the way I want it!
 * Millicent: (imitating Nia) And, I'm Nia. I can make you do anything I say because I'm tough and can crush you like a grape! (Nia gets mad at Millicent) I was talking about another Nia.
 * Nia: Uh-huh.
 * Carey: Ooh! I'll do Patrick! (imitating Patrick) Well, (fixes her hair) I suppose I could get you to finish dinner in time to see Carey Martin's show, but that would mean working hard. (everyone else gasps)
 * Arwin: (thinking he is imitating Estaban) Mr. Moseby! Mr. Moseby! Can I take something that's working perfectly well and do some conveluded thing to it until it breaks? (laughs)
 * Carey: Arwin, I don't think you're supposed to imitate yourself.
 * Arwin: Oh, I thought I was doing Esteban.
 * Mr. Moseby: No, no, no. Esteban is more like this. (imitating Esteban) Oh, Mr. Moseby! Oh, can I have a day-off? Because, my chicken has chicken pox, and I can't feed him chicken soup, 'cause he's a chicken! Did I mention the fact that I have a chicken?
 * Esteban: (imitating Mr. Moseby) Oh, very well! Good luck with that! Oh, keep carrying those bags, Esteban, like a pack mule! While I sit in my office talking to my mommy!

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 * Mr. Moseby: (imitating Esteban after all the lights go out) This is a disaster!
 * [The power goes out]
 * Esteban: Oh, no! This is a disaster!

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 * Mr. Moseby: People, people. Please, please. We are here to treat each other with respect and dignity. SO SHUT UP AND LISTEN!

Orchestra [#79]

 * Zack: Is this band class?
 * Cody: It's called orchestra!
 * Zack: Looks more like a dork-estra.

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 * Moseby: My job isn't yelling at people.
 * London: So you just do it for fun?
 * Moseby: NO!

<hr width="50%">
 * (Mrs. Madigan screams when Zack arrives to orchestra practice)
 * Zack: That's weird. My new math teacher said the same thing when I walked into his class.
 * Mrs. Madigan: That's because there's a "Beware of Zack" poster in the teachers lounge.
 * Zack: Actually, my stage name is Nasty Z, the Dark Prince of Awesome.

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 * Cody: (to Barbara) Your my latka!
 * Barbara: (confused) I'm your potato pancake?

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 * London: You dinged?
 * Esteban: No, you're supposed to say, "May I hep you?"
 * London: May I what?
 * Esteban: You know, hep! Hep, Hep.
 * London: Hooray!
 * Moseby: Less cheering, more bellhopping.

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 * Zack: [to Cody] Dude, you're jealous of a rumor and I'm not even sure I heard it right
 * Cody: (crying) Oh, great! Now I've ruined my life by dumping Barbara, (squeaky) I have NOTHING!
 * Carey: You have a family that loves you.
 * Cody: (still crying) I mean something that I care about!

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 * Barbara: [in response to a rumor mill that was intended as a apology by Cody] You think I'm stupid and smell like a yak?!

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 * Moseby: London, maybe you should talk to your father and tell him the hotel business is not for you.
 * London: But it is for me. The hotel is in my blood.
 * Grace: Actually, our blood is in the hotel.

A Tale of Two Houses [#80]

 * Hector: Esteban, I have great news. There has been a peaceful change of government in our country and your family's back in power!
 * Esteban: You mean grandfather Geraldo Juan Carlos Diego Pepe Bombaro Lupe Abarto Esteban Julio Ricardo Montoya de la Rosa Ramirez has taken the throne again?
 * Hector: No. The other one.
 * Esteban: Oh, you mean Fred?

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 * Moseby: London, the best thing for Esteban to do is keep that money in the bank. Save it for a rainy day.
 * Esteban: Ooh. That is a good point.
 * London: But if it's a rainy day, he can just take his helicopter to someplace dry.
 * Esteban: Ooh. That is a good point, too.

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 * Kurt: Sneaking girls in here without my permission is totally inappropriate.
 * Zack: Well...Now that you're here, can we have your permission?
 * Kurt: Oh, sure. Go on. Knock yourselves out...are you kidding?!

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 * Moseby: (after Esteban complains about the food) I'll tell our chef, forthwith.
 * London: What? You fired Chef Paolo and hired someone named Forthwith?! (gasps and covers her mouth melodramatically, and Esteban does the same thing)
 * Moseby: No..."Forthwith" is "presently."
 * London: Well, I don't care if his name is "Presently" or "Forthwith"! Tell them both to fix it!

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 * Zack: All right, let's see. We got jellybeans, cherry sodas and cheese product in a can. All the ingredients of romance.

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 * Esteban: I'm going to go to my apartment and think about this.
 * London: You can't stay at that ratty little place.
 * Esteban: How did you know I had a ratty little place?
 * London: Well, compared to me, everyone has a ratty little place.

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 * London:(Hands Moseby boxes) Moseby, be a dear and take these to Esteban's room. And Moseby, be a moose and take these to mine.

Tiptonline [#81]

 * London: [singing to tune of "London Bridge is Falling Down"] London Tipton's really great, really great, really great! London Tipton's really great. And she deserves the opposite of hate. Which is love! Everyone, sing along!

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 * Mr. Moesby: I really should quit... I haven't slept in a fortnight. Plus, I just said fortnight!

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 * Carey: Honey I think you're getting addicted to this game.
 * Zack: Oh please mom. I can stop anytime I want.
 * Carey: Kay. How bout now?
 * Zack: I said anytime I want.

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 * London: The Internet's broken.
 * Cody: I doubt that. The Internet's a global network of fiber-optic backbones with file save access points and redundant router protocols.
 * London: The Internet's broken.

Foiled Again [#82]

 * Mr. Moseby: This never has a good answer, but what are you doing?
 * Cody: Our science project. Zack and I have to find and identify microbes in our home environment!
 * Zack: [on a couch reading a magazine] That’s right, so let the boy do our work.
 * Mr. Moseby: Maybe you should work on leaving.

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 * Zack: Did you know there are more germs on a telephone than a toilet seat?
 * Cody: I used the phone today! And a toilet!!
 * Zack: They’re gettin’ you from both ends. Oh! And you don’t even want to know about your pillowcase.
 * Cody: What! What about my pillow case!
 * Zack: It has a million little dust mites. Party over here, party over there, let’s all eat Cody’s hair!
 * Cody: I gotta go shampoo! [runs out]
 * Carey: Stop torturing your brother.
 * Zack: Look who’s talkin’. You almost made liver.

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 * London: (about Diego) I'm gonna date him.
 * Maddie: You can't date him.
 * London: Why?
 * Maddie: Because I'm gonna date him.
 * London: Too late. We're gonna get married, buy a big villa, and live in Acapella.
 * Maddie: People sing acapella. He lives in Acapulco.
 * London: That's what my sweater's made out of.
 * Maddie: That's alpaca!

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 * London: I am exhausted with a capital x.

Romancing the Phone [#83]

 * Maddie: London, for the last time: a Thousand Dollar Bar does not cost $1000.
 * London: Then Nia owes me a lot of change.

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 * Moseby: Whoa, can you spell desperate?
 * London: How many chances do I get?

Benchwarmers [#84]

 * [A cheer.]
 * E = mc squared, When your squad cheers, no one cares. Elements, compound, acid, base. When the geek squad cheers, we're in your face. Yay! Break it down.

Doin' Time in Suite 2330 [#85]
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 * Maddie Okay. To win that award, we're gonna need someone famous. Someone huge. Someone no one has ever gotten before.
 * London: I know! Bigfoot!
 * Maddie: London, Bigfoot is a legend.
 * London: That's why he'd make such a great guest!
 * Maddie: No, no. I mean, he's a mythical creature. A figure of the imagination. A biological impossibility.
 * London: He can just borrow my huge pair of Italian loafers! He'll do it.

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 * Carey: (having just eaten a huge bag of pretzels) Wow, I'm thirsty.

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 * Carey: (to Zack and Cody furiously) Oh that is it. You are beyond grounded. The next time you see sunlight, actually no. You're never gonna see sunlight again. Because by the time your punishment is over, the sun will have burnt out, collapsed into a black hole and the last remnants of mankind will be living on a rusty little spaceship as the cold silence of space slowly drives them MAAAAAAD!!!

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 * Carey: Zack, what were you thinking?!
 * Zack: Well you see--
 * Carey: I don't wanna hear it! Cody, what was going through your mind?
 * Cody: It's just--
 * Carey: Zip it, mister!

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 * Chris Brown: I think she's halfway there.
 * Cheetah Girls: (laugh)
 * '''Carey: I HEARD THAT!!!
 * Chris & Cheetah Girls: (begin to cower)
 * Adrienne Bailon: We're not laughing at you, we're laughing with you!
 * Kiely Williams: Please don't ground us.
 * Sabrina Bryan: We have a concert tonight.

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 * Cody: I've got to get my job back. When is Mom going to leave?
 * Zack: Don't worry. I'll handle it. (To Carey) Hey, Mom. When are you going to leave?

Let Us Entertain You [#86]

 * Zack: Mom, you need a vacation. And by "you", I mean "we".
 * Cody: Let's go to the Pawtucket Aquarium! I hear they just opened their 'swim with the jellyfish' attraction. They won't sting you if you cover yourself in whale urine.
 * Zack: I'd rather get stung!

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 * Carey: Oh, stupid, snoring dog kept me up all night.
 * Zack: Well, when it comes out of that end, it ain't called snoring.

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 * Carey: [talking on the phone when the boys come in] Guess what, boys? We're going to see the world's largest ball of twine! But while we're there, no liquids.

Mr. Tipton Comes to Visit [#87]

 * London: [gasps] Oh, no! Daddy's gonna fire me!
 * Maddie: You don't work here, London.
 * London: He's already done it?

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 * Moseby: [to London] You never worked here. You never did work. You never have to work.
 * London: [relieved] Yay, me!

<hr width="50%">
 * Mr. Tipton: Move back! I don't like to be crowded.
 * Mr. Moseby" Everybody, move back. Move back. [they bump back into the table causing the vase to break as Muriel suddenly appears]
 * Muriel: I'm not cleaning that up!