The VelociPastor

The VelociPastor is a 2017 comedy horror film in which, after losing his parents, a priest travels to China, where he inherits a mysterious ability that allows him to turn into a dinosaur. At first horrified by this new power, a hooker convinces him to use it to fight crime. And ninjas.
 * Directed and written by Brendan Steere.

Man of the clawth.taglines

Doug Jones

 * I don't believe you. Dinosaurs never existed, and even if they did, I don't transform into one.

Father Stewart

 * So your parents died, Doug. It's what parents do. They die on you. They're in a better place.


 * Go where you think God will not follow. If you find him there, then you know he's within you.


 * War is war, and war is hell, and hell never changes.

Frankie Mermaid

 * Yo, Cherry! If you stuffed dicks in your mouth like you're doing that sandwich, I'd be a fuckin' millionaire by now!

Dialogue

 * Doug Jones: What is it that you'd like to confess?
 * Frankie Mermaid: Ah, geez, I guess we could cover the last... four days? I stole candy from this baby, then I threw the baby in the river - so it couldn't snitch, obviously - then, ah, well, I pimp bitches, do drugs, sell drugs, murder people - really, you name it, I've done it, padre.


 * Carol: Last night was... amazing.
 * Doug Jones: Oh. Oh, I see. Let me be fair and say this can never happen again.
 * Carol: So it was just a one-time thing?
 * Doug Jones: Yes, honestly it never should have happened at all.
 * Carol: That's for sure.
 * Doug Jones: Oh. Was it bad?
 * Carol: It was... weird.
 * Doug Jones: Oh.
 * Carol: Honestly, it all happened so quickly. I was very scared, I think I even peed myself.
 * Doug Jones: Oh. Was it your first time too?
 * Carol: Yeah.
 * Doug Jones: As I said, I'm a priest, so we can never say...
 * Carol: What, what are you talking about?
 * Doug Jones: What are you talking about?
 * Carol: That time you turned into a dinosaur and ate someone.
 * Doug Jones: Wait - what? What?


 * Carol: I don't know much about God.
 * Doug Jones: I don't know much about dinosaurs.


 * Doug Jones: You're a hooker?
 * Carol: And premed/law, but people aren't surprised as much by that one.


 * Doug Jones: Father Stewart, what if I told you that I was different?
 * Father Stewart: You're not that different, Doug. There are plenty of men like that in the church.


 * Doug Jones: I might be on a mission from God himself!
 * Father Stewart: That's insane, Doug! God does not want people dead!
 * Doug Jones: Oh, I think God wants a lot of people dead.

Taglines

 * Man of the clawth.


 * Evolution? Maybe.


 * How long has it been since your last confession?


 * Welcome to the Christ-aceous period.

Cast

 * Gregory James Cohan - Doug Jones
 * Alyssa Kempinski - Carol
 * Daniel Steere - Father Stewart
 * Aurelio Voltaire - Altair
 * Yang Jiechang - Wei Chan
 * Jesse Turits - Sam the White Ninja
 * Fernando Pacheco de Castro - Frankie Mermaid
 * David Sokol - War Buddy Ali
 * Kathleen Steere - Adeline
 * Claire Hsu - Chinese Villager
 * Nicholas M. Garofolo - Hobo
 * George Schewnzer - Doug's Dad