The Vicar of Dibley

The Vicar of Dibley (1994–2007) is a British sitcom created by Richard Curtis, and mostly written by Curtis and Paul Mayhew-Archer. The show was written for its title actor, Dawn French.

The sitcom is about a small fictional village called Dibley that gets a female vicar (set after the real-life change in Church of England law allowing the ordination of women). It is a comedic study of the effect that this has on a small rural community. The Vicar of Dibley came third in a 2004 BBC poll to find Britain's Best Sitcom.

The Arrival
10 November 1994


 * Reverend Pottle: Lord, we ask you to bless the members of this, thy congregation. (There are four people in the room.) We also ask you to remember the Queen, who has been having trouble with her piles again, and Mrs. Sinclair Wilson and all her family. (Alice whispers in his ear) Mrs. Sinclair Wilson, who has been having trouble with her piles again, and the Queen and all her family. May you bring them happiness in this life and in the next. Peace everlasting. Amen.
 * Alice: Amen.
 * (Alice looks up to see that Reverand Pottle has apparently dozed off in the pulpit. She nudges him and then checks his pulse. He is dead.)
 * Alice: Um... We now sing hymn number 16: 'The Day Thou Gavest Lord is Ended.'
 * (They begin to sing and carry on as Reverand Pottle slowly tilts and falls to the ground.)




 * (On deciding to rally the parish council against the appointment of a female vicar)
 * David Horton: They don't call me Sportin' Horton for nothing!
 * Hugo Horton: I didn't know they called you Sportin' Horton. I thought they called you Dirty David due to your enormous collection of Victorian porno-
 * David Horton: Oh for goodness sake! Shut up!




 * Geraldine Granger: You were expecting a bloke - beard, bible, bad breath.
 * David Horton: Yes, that sort of thing.
 * Geraldine Granger: And instead you got a babe with a bob cut and a magnificent bosom.
 * David Horton: So I see.




 * David Horton: Owen, this is Geraldine. She's the new vicar.
 * Owen Newitt: No it isn't! She's a woman!
 * Geraldine Granger: Oh! You noticed! [Points to breasts] These are such a giveaway, aren't they?




 * Alice: You can call me Alice.
 * Geraldine: Right.
 * Alice: Because it's my name.




 * Geraldine: I've just been visiting my new parishioners. Frankly I think that they would have been less surprised if the new vicar was Mr Blobby.

Songs of Praise
17 November 1994


 * David Horton: Am I alone on Sundays in preferring not to shake hands with the malodorous creature in the next pew?
 * Jim Trott: No no no no... I quite like that bit.
 * David Horton: Let alone kiss them?
 * Jim Trott: I love that bit!




 * Mrs Cropley: I rather enjoyed Lady Chatterley. Some very useful tips.
 * David Horton: I beg your pardon?
 * Mrs Cropley: Oh, gardening tips. Mellors was a game keeper. Very good at hedge control.
 * David Horton: I see.
 * Mrs Cropley: I thought the sex was jolly good fun as well!




 * David Horton: We are, for once, all agreed. Songs of Praise is cheapening, shallow and ridiculous,[Turns to Hugo] Isn't it?
 * Hugo Horton: Oh yes. Very cheapening.
 * Mrs Cropley: Utterly shallow.
 * Frank Pickle: Totally ridiculous.
 * David Horton: Excellent. Well, let's have a vote on this shall we? Anybody in favour of letting the morons from TV land into our church?
 * [All council members except David raise their hands enthusiastically, even Owen, who is just stretching his arm to put on a plastic arm-length glove.]
 * Frank Pickle: I mean, it's gotta be a hoot, hasn't it?

Community Spirit
24 November 1994


 * Jim Trott: [Over PA system] No no no no no no no Parking is allowed on the upper field! No no no no no no no refreshments will be available in the refreshment tent!

(A villager comes up to Jim)
 * Villager: Is that "No parking is allowed in the upper field", or "Parking is allowed in the upper field"?
 * Jim Trott: [Over PA system] No no no no no no no Parking is allowed on the upper field! OK?




 * David Horton: Our vicar has as many connections with the rich and famous as I have with the Black Panther Movement!




 * David Horton: [delighted] I've just been told the news; what a total and utter unmitigated cock-up! I thought the fair in '87 was embarrassing enough when those bloody kids put cannabis in the cupcakes, but this really is the queen of balls-ups! Hundreds of people waiting to see Elton John and you invite Rambling Syd Rumpo!
 * Mrs Cropley: I rather enjoyed the fair in '87. Such larks!

The Window & The Weather
1 December 1994


 * Owen Newitt: Filthy weather!
 * Jim Trott: No, no, no I've known worse.
 * Owen Newitt: Oh yes? When was that then?
 * Jim Trott: The Great Storm. When the windmill got blown over.
 * Owen Newitt: That wasn't The Great Storm, that was a moderately windy night! No, the really great storm... was The Great Storm.
 * Jim Trott: When was that?
 * Owen Newitt: When Dave Batt got decapitated.
 * Jim Trott: That wasn't the great storm!
 * Owen Newitt: Well, it was pretty damn great!




 * David Horton: I have spent the week investigating the prices of stained glass, and the lowest quote we have is for £11,000.
 * Owen Newitt: Bugger me! You could get someone killed for that!




 * David Horton: Sadly, you must minute Frank that Dibley can't afford a new window.
 * Geraldine: Stop writing, Frank! 'Can't' isn't in the Christian Vocabulary!
 * Owen Newitt: Yes it is! You can't commit Adultery, You can't steal...
 * Jim Trott: You can't even covet your neighbour's ass. Even if it is very alluring!

Election
8 December 1994


 * David Horton: What was that socialist tract you were spouting from the pulpit last week?
 * Geraldine: I've got a feeling it was the Sermon on the Mount.
 * David Horton: Jesus did not tell rich people to give all their money away.
 * Geraldine: I think you'll find he did actually!
 * David Horton: Nonsense. What did he say to the sick man? "Take up thy bed and walk." In other words "Help yourself". "On your bike."
 * Geraldine: Are you trying to establish a direct spiritual link between Jesus Christ and Norman Tebbit?
 * David Horton: You can't deny there are similarities.
 * Geraldine: [Loudly] There bloody are not!


 * Mrs Cropley: Nibble, Vicar? It's chocolate spread.
 * Geraldine: Chocolate? You promise?
 * Mrs Cropley: Yes.
 * Geraldine: Alright then, I will. [Takes a bite of cake and pulls a face] Hm. Very, uh, unusual taste.
 * Mrs Cropley: Yes, well I put in a bit of taramosalata as well.
 * Geraldine: Did you? Would you excuse me a moment! [Runs to the bathroom.]


 * Geraldine: God, I had a terrible night and my bottom had a worse one! That Cropley woman really is the Queen of Cordon Bleaaaagh!

Animals
15 December 1994


 * Alice: You know that stuff that they're selling now at the local shop?
 * Geraldine: Which stuff?
 * Alice: I Can't Believe It's Not Butter.
 * Geraldine: Oh, yeah.
 * Alice: Well, you know, I can't believe it's not butter.
 * Geraldine: Yeah, well, I believe that is the idea, yeah.
 * Alice: Then yesterday I went to Kirkenden and I bought this other stuff, like a sort of home brand, you know.
 * Geraldine: Yes?
 * Alice: And, you know, I can't believe it's not I Can't Believe It's Not Butter.
 * Geraldine: Mmmm?
 * [pause]
 * Geraldine: I'm losing you now.
 * Alice: Oh, right. Well, you know I Can't Believe It's Not Butter?
 * Geraldine: Yeah, yeah, yeah, you think it is butter.
 * Alice: No, no. I mean, you know the stuff that I can't believe is not butter is called I Can't Believe It's Not Butter?
 * Geraldine: Probably, yeah, yeah.
 * Alice: Well, I can't believe the stuff that is not I Can't Believe It's Not Butter is not I Can't Believe It's Not Butter. And I can't believe that both I Can't Believe It's Not Butter and the stuff that I can't believe is not I Can't Believe It's Not Butter are both, in fact, not butter. And I believe... they both might be butter... in a cunning disguise. And, in fact, there's a lot more butter around than we all thought there was.
 * Geraldine: Yeah. You see, I don't know what you're talking about, but I'm sure God does and is intrigued by the whole thing.




 * Mrs. Cropley: The question is whether I bring the snails I've got for my new recipe.
 * Frank: What recipe is that?
 * Mrs. Cropley: Bread and Butter Pudding Surprise.




 * Owen: [looking at the giant vegetable Jim has grown] Well, bugger me.
 * Mrs. Cropley: You know, it's time the vicar did something about your bad language.
 * [looks at the vegetable]
 * Letitia: Ooh, it is a big bugger, though, isn't it?

The Easter Bunny

 * 8 April 1996


 * Owen: You're a tit short of an udder, you are.




 * Geraldine: Can I have a private talk with you?
 * Alice: Okay, as long as it's not about tampons because I just don't understand them.

<hr width=50%/>
 * (While delivering chocolate eggs in a bunny costume, Geraldine runs into another full sized bunny)
 * Geraldine: David!
 * David: Vicar! What are you doing?
 * Geraldine: I'm the Easter Bunny!
 * David: You can't be! I'm the Easter Bunny. I promised Letitia Cropley I'd do it.
 * Geraldine: Well, so did I!
 * David: Mad bat must have forgotten she'd already asked me. How demeaning! After all the time I've spent on these bloody ears! (Puts his rabbit head back on.)
 * Geraldine: I must say, you look surprisingly cute in that.
 * David: Shut up.
 * Geraldine: What a sexy little tail! (Gives it a squeeze.)
 * David: Stop that! I suggest we keep very quiet about this. You do one end of the village and I'll do the other. It will remain our secret.
 * Geraldine: Fair enough. Are you sure you don't want to come back to my burrow afterwards for a bit of bunny funny business?
 * David: Quite sure.
 * (They turn the corner and gasp as they are confronted with the sight of Owen and about a dozen other Easter Bunnies)''
 * Owen: Oh hell! Any more and we'll be able to stage a production of WATERSHIP BLOODY DOWN!!

The Christmas Lunch Incident

 * 25 December 1996


 * Alice: Vicar?
 * Geraldine: Mm-hm?
 * Alice: What are you looking forward to more than anything else at Christmas this year?
 * Geraldine: Well, my highlights are going to be Jurassic Park and the Queen's Speech, written this year by Ruby Wax, I believe. And what about you?
 * Alice: I'm totally excited about your first Christmas sermon; it, it's just going to be an experience I'll never forget.
 * Geraldine: Alice, my first Christmas sermon was last Christmas.
 * Alice: Oh, yeah, I forgot. It's not your fault, you probably just chose a boring subject.
 * Geraldine: What, the birth of Jesus Christ? Otherwise known as the greatest story ever told.
 * Alice: Yeah, first time you hear it. But after that, it gets a bit predictable, innit? Man and woman get to inn, inn full, baby is born in manger, angels sing on high blah blah blah.
 * Geraldine: You have forgotten to mention that that baby is in fact the Son of God.
 * Alice: Oh yeah, that is a nice twist.
 * Geraldine: A nice twist?!

<hr width=50%/>


 * Geraldine: (to a portrait of Jesus) Listen, birthday boy. If you don't help me, I'm afraid I'm gonna have to tell them that you actually are Noel Edmunds.

<hr width=50%/>


 * Geraldine: Well, here's to love and marriage, which go together like a horse and carriage, according to Cole Porter. He should know; he was gay. Ha ha!

<hr width=50%/>


 * Geraldine: And where was Jesus born?
 *  Child: In Dunstable.
 * Geraldine: Who told you that?
 * Alice: Well, I always thought it was a bit odd but that's what my mum told me. That Jesus was born in Dunstable.
 * Geraldine: In. A. Stable!

<hr width=50%/>
 * Frank: Lunch at one?
 * Geraldine: Can we have it just a little bit earlier?
 * Frank: Like when?
 * Geraldine: Like in about five minutes.

<hr width=50%/>


 * Jim: [drunk, laughing] Knock, knock.
 * Geraldine: Who's there?
 * Jim: No, no, no, no! [laughing uncontrollably] No, wait! No, no! Doctor!
 * Geraldine: [laughing] Doctor who?
 * Jim: Yes!

<hr width=50%/>


 * Frank: Very good sermon, Vicar!
 * Jim: No, no, no, no, yes! I like the way you move from the superficial and facile messages of popular music to the subtle and more complex revelations of the nativity.

<hr width=50%/>
 * (Geraldine has eaten three Christmas dinners and is at home, exhausted. The doorbell rings.)
 * Geraldine: I swear, if these are Jehovah's Witnesses I'm joining. Anything to get out of this village! You try to be nice to people, they turn you into the EC turkey mountain.

Engagement
26 December 1997


 * Owen Newitt: I believe this is your filling.
 * Geraldine: Oh... Thank you, Owen...
 * Owen Newitt: I'd have brought it sooner, but I've only just passed it.
 * Geraldine: Right... I won't be putting it right back in then...

<hr width=50%/>


 * [Geraldine has turned down Owen's proposal of marriage]
 * Geraldine: Promise me you're not too upset?
 * Owen: Well, I don't know yet how upset I am.
 * Geraldine: Well, not so upset you're going to go kill yourself or anything like that?
 * Owen: I haven't decided. But, before I do, answer me one question.
 * Geraldine: Oh, anything.
 * Owen: Right. Have you been drinking?
 * Geraldine: Have had one little dropsicle, yes.
 * Owen: Because if there's one thing I can't stand it's a woman who drinks. So, no, I'm not upset at all. In fact I'm very grateful to you from saving me from marriage to a lush who reeks of gin from dusk till dawn. Madam, I bid you farewell, you revolting old soak.
 * [Owen storms out]
 * Geraldine: That is one hell of a charming dude.

Dibley Live
8 January 1998


 * Geraldine: I think we have a caller on line one. Hello, caller.
 * David: Vicar, is that you?
 * Geraldine: It is indeed. Is that David Horton, local councilor, chairman of the parish?
 * David: You know bloody well who it is. I'm ringing up about this interview tomorrow.
 * Geraldine: David, I feel I should warn you, we are actually live on--
 * David: I'm cancelling. I'm sorry. I don't want that moron Alice asking me damn fool questions.
 * Geraldine: David.
 * David: And it's no good telling me you'll get someone else, because frankly they're all zombies. Frank, Newitt, Jim - I've got sheep who do a more probing interview. Have to cancel--talk to you later.
 * Geraldine: Uh, David. Just before you go, just between you and me, how are your hemorrhoids?
 * David: Well... They're terrible if you must know.
 * Geraldine: Aw. Really painful? Very embarrassing? Bit like a bunch of grapes hanging out your bottom?
 * David: ... Yes, well it is actually. My lavatory hasn't know what's hit it in the last few weeks.
 * Geraldine: Aw. Aw. Well thank you, David "Hemorrhoid" Horton for sharing that with us live on the Dibley Radio call-in. Anything else you'd like to add?
 * David: [silence] ... [fake German accent] And this is Rory Bremner now, using my real voice. I bet I had you all fooled, eh? Ha ha ha!
 * Owen: Zombies? He's got nerve.
 * Jim: No, no, no, that's right. I'm not going to watch his show anymore.
 * Frank: Nor me.
 * Owen: Bloody Bremner!

<hr width=50%/>


 * Geraldine: You're on in fifteen seconds, Frank, and I need to hear a little bit for level, so tell us what you had for breakfast.
 * Frank: Toast.
 * Geraldine: Yeah... I need a little bit more than that, so just make something up, you know, let your imagination run wild.
 * Frank: Wild! Great. Two pieces of toast

<hr width=50%/>


 * David: Moving on. I have received an entry form for the Best Kept Village competition. Any thoughts?
 * Owen: Yes, tear it up.
 * David: I beg your pardon?
 * Owen: Months of effort and what would we win? Some pointless poncy piece of paper saying : Dibley, Best Kept Village.
 * Jim: No no no no, it's not just a bit of paper; it's a title, a trophy. It's a cheque for two hundred and forty thousand pounds, presented by the Duchess of Kent.
 * Geraldine: No, that's Wimbledon, Jim.
 * Jim: Yes, that is Wimbledon.
 * David: Oh, come on. We did all right last year.
 * Geraldine: We came fifty-fourth out of fifty-four!
 * David: Is that right?
 * Geraldine: Remember Denfield?
 * David: Well, how could one forget those poor people?
 * Hugo: Yes. Who would have believed a lorry-load of BSE-infected toxic waste would have crashed into a nuclear fuel tanker causing a crater two hundred feet wide and the evacuation of the entire village?
 * Geraldine: And they came fifty-third.
 * David: Point taken.
 * [crumples the form]
 * David: Let's forget it.

<hr width=50%/>


 * Jim: Sex! Sex! Sex! That's all you get on television these days.
 * Geraldine: Is it?
 * Jim: It is on mine; I watch the Playboy channel.

<hr width=50%/>


 * Geraldine: For 10 points, which Tinker was commonly known as "Donkey Bonker"?

Celebrity Vicar
15 January 1998


 * David: Let's move on to the Gala. Any progress there, or is the climax of our show still "Owen and his Amazing Farting Duck"?

<hr width=50%/>


 * David: Right, we've got a lot of stuff to get through tonight, so if I could ask you all not to waste time with the traditional distractions, repetitions and general annoyances that are the usual content of these parish council meetings.
 * Owen: Good idea.
 * Geraldine: You're the boss.
 * David: Excellent. Ready, Frank?
 * Frank: Absolutely.
 * David: Bravo! Point one: the Gala Night. I thought St. Valentine's Day with all the profits going to the upkeep of the village hall. Happy with that, Jim?
 * Jim: Yes.
 * Hugo: Father.
 * David: Later, Hugo.
 * Hugo: I didn't say anything.
 * David: What do you mean?
 * Hugo: [his lips are not moving] Father. Father.
 * David: Oh no. It's a dream, isn't it?
 * Geraldine: [dressed as an angel] Yes, David, I'm afraid it is.

<hr width=50%/>


 * [Frank is on stage, doing an incredibly boring "impressions" routine]
 * Owen: [to David] I've got my shotgun in the van.
 * David: Load both barrels.

<hr width=50%/>


 * Geraldine: What's worse than not selling any tickets at all?
 * Owen: Well selling one ticket. But selling it to a serial killer.
 * Jim: No, no, no, no, th-that's right. Who comes on the stage, and slits all our throats, and then leaves us all in a great pool of blood!
 * David: Does anyone actually have this serial killer's address?

<hr width=50%/>


 * Geraldine: Why would anyone be stupid enough to want fame and fortune when you can have the stars at night and a proper friend by your side?
 * Alice: Oh, nice.

Love and Marriage
22 January 1998
 * Alice: [about her wedding] It's all going to be so perfect.
 * Geraldine: Yes, although I have been having second thoughts about you wearing this dress.
 * Alice: Really? You think I should go nude?

<hr width=50%/>


 * Alice: It's a thought.
 * Geraldine: No, no, no. I just think it should be simpler, that's all.
 * Alice: Oh, you mean like, like lots of hearts or something.
 * Geraldine: Yeah, could be, yeah.
 * Alice: With a different Doctor Who in each one.
 * Geraldine: No!

<hr width=50%/>


 * Jim: Well I've been married 43 years and the secret of a successful marriage Hugo, is sex and plenty of it.
 * Hugo: Well, hooray.
 * Jim: With as many different women as possible.
 * Geraldine: Oh, God.
 * Jim: Especially orientals cos they can go on...
 * Geraldine: Thank you, Jim. What about you, Frank?
 * Frank: Well, I've never had sex with an oriental.

<hr width=50%/>


 * Geraldine: If any person here knows of any just cause or impediment why these two should not be joined together in holy matrimony, let them speak now or forever hold their peace.
 * Bigamy Lady: Yes!
 * [walks forward]
 * Bigamy Lady: I do. The groom is already married.
 * [the congregation gasps]
 * Bigamy Lady: He married me three years ago. And don't let him deny it! I've got the marriage certificate to prove it!
 * [after Hugo turns round to face her]
 * Bigamy Lady: Oh... sorry. Wrong church.

Autumn
24 December 1999


 * Owen Newitt: I am not a lunatic. I have the psychiatric report to prove it. A slender majority of the panel decided in my favour.

<hr width=50%/>


 * Alice: I've done the test and it said I wasn't pregnant. The hamster didn't turn blue or anything.
 * Geraldine: I'm not sure I'm familiar with this particular pregnancy test.
 * Alice: Oh, it's how we've always done it here in Dibley. You see, you get a hamster, and you wee on it, and if it turns blue you're pregnant.
 * Geraldine: Right.

<hr width=50%/>


 * Jim: We're sorry to trouble you at this time, Vicar. It's just that you know when you said that if we had a serious problem that should come and see you.
 * Geraldine: [uneasy] Yes
 * Frank: [serious] We need to see you now. Desperately.
 * Geraldine: [Geraldine begins to feel for them] Of course guys, of course. Come on in. Make yourself at home. Have a seat. Now tell me, what's the problem?
 * Jim: [shows a crossword] It's Seven Down.

<hr width=50%/>


 * Frank: [Frank and Jim have just found out that Geraldine is planning to sleep with Simon] Good luck vicar, I think he'll make you very happy.
 * Geraldine: Aw, thank you Frank.
 * Jim: And if he doesn't I'll have a go!

<hr width=50%/>


 * Owen: She's already missed one set of Sunday services and it's important she doesn't miss another.
 * Alice: Can I just say, um, that I thought Mr. Pickle gave a lovely sermon as lay preacher.
 * Hugo: Yes, bravo. How you kept going for two and a half hours was amazing.
 * Owen: As I say, it's absolutely *vital* that she doesn't miss another Sunday. I need hardly remind you that we actually lost a couple of the older members of our congregation during last week's service.
 * Jim: Don't worry Frank, they were going to die anyway. And that fellow who stood up and said if this moron doesn't shut up soon I'm going to kill myself and then five minutes later shot himself in the head... well, he'd been gloomy for quite some time...

Winter
25 December 1999


 * Geraldine: Let's just finish this conversation, before I stab you to death.

<hr width=50%/>


 * Geraldine: Now Alice. You're single, a virgin and yet pregnant.
 * Owen: That happened to my cousin Sally.
 * Geraldine: No it didn't, Owen.
 * Owen: Yes it did. She gave birth three times but she never ever had sex with a man.
 * Jim: Except me.
 * Frank: And me.
 * Owen: And me if I'm honest.

<hr width=50%/>


 * Owen: I'd just like to say. I'll be slaughtering Daisy here tomorrow, so do order your Christmas beef after the show.

<hr width=50%/>


 * Frank: Isn't there something we can do to help? After all, we are the three wise men.


 * Jim: No, no, no, we are the kings.


 * Frank: Oh, right!


 * Jim: Most kings are brain-dead, inbred cretins.

Spring
27 December 1999


 * Bishop of Mulberry: Aww the baby is sleeping. We must be really QUIET

<hr width=50%/>


 * [Baby Geraldine has woken up]
 * Bishop of Mulberry: Aww hello little one, you're awake.
 * Geraldine: Yes, I wonder why.

<hr width=50%/>


 * Jim: That is life. Full of confusion. I found this gorgeous girl in Thailand. We snogged, well we more than snogged. I asked her to marry me, she said yes. We got married on a pineapple strewn beach. On the first night of the honeymoon she takes off all her clothes and it turns out she's a bloke called Duane.

Summer
1 January 2000


 * David: [Seeing Geraldine chained to the church] You look like an extra in a low-budget remake of a film by Ken Russell.

<hr width=50%/>


 * Owen: [walking into the parish hall] Sorry for being late but I made the mistake of going to my toilet today and it hasn't been flushed for ten days. I've only just regained consciousness.

<hr width=50%/>


 * Jim: I was so excited, I made love to a Swedish journalist.
 * Geraldine: We know, Jim. We were chained to you at the time.

Merry Christmas
25 December 2004


 * Geraldine: This Christmas is quite special this year.
 * Jim: Is Carry On Camping going to be on the telly?
 * Geraldine: No, no!
 * Owen: Is Jesus coming back to get rid of all the bad in this sick world?
 * Geraldine: Not that either, although it would be good to have someone new presenting Songs of Praise! But no, the reason that this year is special to me is that it is my tenth year in Dibley.
 * Frank: Here is a woman, who could have done anything. Gone anywhere! And yet you have chosen to waste the best ten years of your life stuck with us morons!
 * Geraldine: ... Yeah. Thanks for that!

<hr width=50%/>


 * [Geraldine is drunk in front of her parishioners]
 * Geraldine: [To woman in the crowd] Hello you! I haven't told anyone about your boob job!
 * ''[Winks at her, then looks at David]
 * Geraldine: And you! You think no one notices that you're.. bald. I mean everyone is looking at you, and thinking "My goodness. Why does this man have a massive egg for a head". CRACK ON!

<hr width=50%/>


 * Geraldine: [Geraldine giving her Christmas sermon while heavily drunk] On this day, many many years ago, a child was born. And his name was ummm... his name was... gosh, I know this... it's in that book. Ummm... [looks at Alice for answer].
 * Alice: [Whispers, trying to hint the name] J.
 * Geraldine: Jeremy! No, that's not it.
 * Alice: [Whispers louder than before] J-esus.
 * Geraldine: Jesus - no that's not right either. Doesn't matter, what's in a name? Important thing is... he was a very, very nice guy... apparently. (laughs) Two important things to remember about him. ONE, he loved all of us and he had a nice fluffy beard, and three, two, one - THUNDERBIRDS ARE GO!!! [She collapses and falls off the pulpit. The congregation applauds].

Happy New Year
1 January 2005


 * Owen: [Reading his letter to the Prime Minister] Dear Prime Minister...
 * Geraldine: Good Start!
 * Owen: Listen up, you stupid P**ck...
 * Geraldine: Smell a tiny problem there...
 * Owen: Yes, well, I thought he must get a lot of letters and that I should grab his attention right from the beginning.
 * Geraldine: Yeah, good point, I think that might be a little bit counter-productive, but let's see how we continue...
 * Owen: Dear Prime Minister, listen up, you stupid P**ck...
 * Geraldine: Yes...
 * Owen: Yours sincerely, Owen Newitt.

The Handsome Stranger
25 December 2006


 * Alice: I'm reading that fantistic new book from the bible!
 * Geraldine: [Hesitates] ...What new book from the bible?
 * Alice: The Da Vinci Code

<hr width=50%/>


 * Harry: [moves a large box] Sorry it's a bit of a mess. I just moved out of a student big flat in London it's gonna be a bit of a squeeze squeezing it all in so uh, well if you see anything you like the look of just steal it I'll never know.
 * Alice: Really?
 * Geraldine: [to Alice] No, not really.
 * Harry: Oh, I'm Harry by the way. Sorry. All over the shop today.
 * Geraldine: [shaking Harry's hand] Oh, right and I'm Geraldine. I just live down the lane.
 * Harry: Excellent.
 * Geraldine: Yeah.
 * Alice: And I'm Alice.
 * Harry: [shakes her hand] Splendid! Well, what a surprise so I actually receive a visit from a neighbour. I lived on the same street in London for 15 whole years and the bell never rang once.
 * Alice: Oh, we had a bell like that... We wired it wrong...

<hr width=50%/>


 * David: Yes well, there is one little thing: I brought along a bottle of champagne, because although she may not realize it, the Vicar last weekend did her 100th Wedding while she's been here.
 * [everyone cheers and David pops the cork off the bottle as Hugo brings glasses to the table]
 * Geraldine: [surprised] Really? 100? Goodness me. So that's 100 happy-in-love brides and grooms and... and I'm always the Vicar... I'm never the bride...
 * [Geraldine starts to break down]
 * Geraldine: I'm alw-I'm always in the cassack... I'm never in the lovely big white frocks...
 * [Geraldine starts crying]
 * David: Somebody cheer her up.
 * Owen: I'll marry you, Dollyknockers!
 * Geraldine: Shut up!

<hr width=50%/>


 * Geraldine: Everyone is welcome here in the bosom of my bosoms.

<hr width=50%/>


 * Geraldine: [writing in a notebook] Right, so just her first and last name then.
 * Harry: Well...
 * Geraldine: Come on Harry. You shouldn't be marrying someone if you don't even know their name.
 * Harry: [slowly] Well... obviously it's... Geraldine...
 * Geraldine: [writing] Geraldine...
 * Harry: Granger.
 * Geraldine: [writing] Grange...
 * [Geraldine turns around]
 * Geraldine: [shocked] Pardon?
 * Harry: Geraldine Granger... I'm asking you to marry me, Geraldine Granger.

<hr width=50%/>


 * Geraldine: What about-What about that other one you've been living with? Rosie the pretty one -
 * Harry: -My sister?
 * Geraldine: -WHAT?!

Dibley Christmas Carol Suggestions

 * Geraldine: Right, Owen, you said you'd delight and surprise us.
 * Owen: Yes, I'm not so sure about the delight bit any longer.
 * Geraldine: ... right, well fire away.
 * Owen:

Jesus was born on Christmas day Halleluia, halleluia But he never got his end away Halleluia
 * Geraldine: Next!


 * Geraldine: So Frank, how many verses?
 * Frank: 108. It's quite a controversial thesis and it took a little bit of time to formulate my... peroration.
 * Geraldine: Right, well, would you forgive us if we didn't hear all of the verses?
 * Frank: I could drop 1 or 2 in the middle.
 * Geraldine: Fire away!
 * Frank:

Praise the lord But hold on to your hat Jesus Christ was born a cat
 * Geraldine: You say it.
 * Alice: Next.
 * Frank: (walks away mumbling sadly)


 * Geraldine: Can I just say, before you start, that all my hopes for this competition - indeed, all my hopes that after 10 years there is one shred of talent or sanity in this village are resting entirely upon you?
 * Jim: No... No-no, no-no, no worries. I was trying to work out which bit of the nativity story was never done.
 * Geraldine: Good.
 * Jim: Then I realised... the actual birth.
 * Geraldine: Bad. And so it goes?
 * Jim:

Praise the lord, he's coming down the birth canal Here he comes, weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee Look, the madonna's fully dilated She shall not need an episiotomy
 * Geraldine: (Bangs head down on the table extreme force)
 * Alice: I rather like that.

Cast

 * Dawn French - Geraldine Granger
 * Gary Waldhorn - David Horton
 * James Fleet - Hugo Horton
 * John Bluthal - Frank Pickle
 * Liz Smith - Mrs Cropley
 * Trevor Peacock - Jim Trott
 * Roger Lloyd Pack - Owen Newitt
 * Emma Chambers - Alice Tinker