The War at Home (TV series)

The War at Home is an American sitcom that ran from September 2005 to April 2007 on Fox. It followed the antics of a largely dysfunctional and bitter Long Island family.

Pilot [1.01]

 * Dave: I only have one simple rule for dating my teenage daughter: if she sees your penis, I'll cut it off.


 * Dave: My dad had it easy. In his day, if you brought home a paycheck and didn't beat your kids, you were father of the year.

I.M. What I.M. [1.02]

 * Dave (to Vicky about Hillary): Your daughter's all moody and crying about something.
 * Vicky: Hillary's been moody and crying since she was 12. Where have you been?


 * Vicky: (to Dave about Larry) Okay, so one time he wore women's clothing.
 * Dave: One time we know about.
 * Vicky: Remember, last year, he wanted to be a rock star? He quit guitar lessons after two weeks. You know, it's possible that this whole cross-dressing thing is just an experimental phase.
 * Dave: Well, why doesn't he just experiment with drugs like every other teenager?

High Crimes [1.03]

 * Dave: When I was a kid growing up, my father's philosophy was "Do as I say, not as I do." Well, when I became a parent, I swore I would do better with my kids. So my philosophy is, "Do as I say - not as I hope you don't know I do."


 * Dave: It's true. Parents that use drugs have kids that use drugs. So there's an important lesson here. Don't have kids.

Guess Who's Coming to the Barbeque [1.04]

 * Omar (to Dave): How do you figure?
 * Dave: Well, you do have to admit that there are probably less black people applying to Yale. Right? So, I'd imagine that they'd probably have to keep a certain number of spots open for you guys.
 * Omar: What are you saying -- I got into Yale because of affirmative action? Because I have never gotten any advantage for being black, not one.
 * Dave: No, I didn't say anything about affirmative action. Did I say anything about that? Come on, it's not like I was calling you a token.
 * Omar: A what?! You think I'm a token?
 * Dave: No, no, no, I said you weren't a token. Don't be so sensitive, Omar.
 * Omar: Oh, so now I'm an overly sensitive token. Okay. You know what? I've had enough. I think we should go.
 * Vicky: No, no, it's okay.
 * Dave: No, no, no, Vicky. If he wants to go, let him go. He said he didn't even want to come here today. You know, I think he might be a little bit of a racist.


 * Dave: (to Vicky about Omar) Why should I apologize to him?
 * Vicky: Because this is Hillary's boyfriend's family and after the way you acted, I wouldn't be surprised if they never even let him see her again.
 * Dave: Good! Good. Then this barbecue wasn't all for nothing.
 * Vicky: Okay, fine. You know what? Do it. Don't do it. It's your decision.
 * Dave: Huh! And what? If I don't apologize, you're going to what? Like, withold sex from me?
 * Vicky: No, why should I be punished? I'll have sex with you, but don't expect me to talk to you.
 * Dave: You know, sex with no talking, that's, uh, not exactly a threat, Vicky.

Like a Virgin [1.05]

 * Dave: When it comes to raising kids, everyone has an opinion. Let 'em cry, don't let 'em cry. Let 'em watch TV, don't let 'em watch TV. Spank 'em, don't spank 'em. But the one thing that everyone agrees on is, sooner or later, you have to trust them and hope you raised them right. I'm totally screwed.


 * Dave (to Vicky about Hillary): I can just imagine the line of crap that Kyle kid is feeding her. "I love you so much, baby. Why should we wait if it's the right time, baby? Come on, baby, let's do it right now, baby."
 * Vicky: Come on, she's not an idiot.
 * Dave: You fell for it!

The Bigger They Come [1.06]

 * Hillary (to Vicky): Well, you have a big chest. Why don't I?
 * Vicky: Well, you know, you probably just take after your dad's side of the family. You do have two sets of genes, you know.
 * Dave: Hey, don't blame me. Okay? Even the men on my side of the family have big boobs.


 * Dave: At no time in history has a culture been so focused on how they look as we are today. Between the diets, the liposuction, Botox, LASIKS, it's crazy, and who's responsible? The media, and God bless 'em. I mean, who wants to look at fat, ugly people?

Cheers [1.07]

 * Dave: When I was a kid, all I wanted to do was sneak into "R" rated movies. In my mind, "R" stood for "really good." Nowadays, there's warnings and ratings on everyhing; video games, music, booze, cigarettes. You think these warnings would keep kids away from all these things. When, actually, it's sending up a flare saying, "Hey, look. Good stuff over here." (A disclaimer appears on screen that says: "Due to the mature subject matter, the following episode may not be suitable for all family members." (Dave glances down at disclaimer) See? Makes you wanna watch even more, doesn't it?


 * Vicky (to Dave): What was that?
 * Dave: Oh, that must be Mike playing with his BB gun.
 * Vicky: His what?
 * Dave: Ah, you know, he's been begging me for one, so I finally got it for him.
 * Vicky: Dave! Why didn't you ask me first?
 * (Cut scene)
 * Dave: Same reason I never asked her for a three-way. She would've just said no.

The Empire Spanks Back [1.08]

 * Mike: Larry getting his ass beat is the best thing that's ever happened to us.
 * Larry: It's not the best thing that's ever happened to me.
 * Mike: This isn't about you.


 * Mike: Dad just beat the crap out of Larry!

Dave Get Your Gun [1.09]

 * Dave: You know how when you're in a restaurant and the food doesn't come out the way you like, you could just send it back? Wouldn't it be great if you could do that with your kids? Uh, waiter, I'm sorry. This daughter? She's a little too spicy for my taste, and, uh, not enough dressing and, uh, my older son, where exactly on the menu did it say he was going to come out flaming and, uh, the youngest one. I don't even remember ordering him.


 * Hillary (to Taye): Wait, you're breaking up with me?
 * Taye: Mmm-hmm.
 * Hillary: Why? I mean, is this because I'm grounded? Because I can just sneak out.
 * Taye: It's not that. You can't go around thugging on people. You're a hater.
 * Hillary: No, it wasn't like that at all.
 * Taye: I'm sorry, but I can't go out with someone who solves their problems with violence. (Cut scene) Plus, she's way too clingy. If I was actually hitting it, it'd be one thing, but life's too short.

Breaking Up is Hard To Do [1.10]

 * Dave: (to Vicky) Sweetie, why'd you have to invite your mother over for dinner? Didn't we just see her, like, a month ago?


 * Mike: Hey, Hillary, you were an accident!
 * Dave: Shut up, so were you!

It's a Living (1) [1.11]

 * Mike (to Hillary): Okay, here's the deal. If I go into the honors program, I'll have a built-in excuse for getting bad grades.
 * Hillary: Wow, maybe I should go into the honors program.
 * Mike: On the other hand, everyone's gonna call me a geek, and I'll have no chance of landing a hot girl. I mean, I'll be facing Larry-like odds.
 * Hillary: Oh, yeah, I see your point.
 * Mike: But being in honors could actually improve my chances. There are 22 hot girls in the regular program and about 300 guys, which means I have a 1-in-14 probability of getting one. But in honors, I'd be the one normal guy competing for the one cute girl. My odds go from 7% to 100%. So, balancing all those factors, what do you think I should do?
 * Hillary: I think you should go into the smart group 'cause I don't even know what the hell you're talking about anymore.


 * (cut scene)
 * Dave: (about Vicky) Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. I don't want her to back to work full-time. She's gonna be too tired to do the important stuff around here, like the laundry... and me.

Gimme a Break (2) [1.12]

 * Hillary (to Dave): I need my allowance.
 * Dave: Forget it. What, are you crazy? You're not getting any money for doing nothing.
 * Hillary: But I always get money for doing nothing, and I need to buy makeup.
 * Dave: Forget it, okay?
 * Hillary: Oh, come on. Mom would give me the money.
 * Dave: Yeah, well, your mom's not here, okay? So, you're gonna have to figure out another way to look too old and too easy.


 * Mike: Hey, this is for you.
 * Dave: (reads paper) A meeting with the principal? (to Vicky) Hey, this is for you.
 * Vicky: What did you do this time?
 * Mike: Nothing.
 * Dave: The last time you did nothing, it took four months for Larry to grow his hair back.

Three's Company [1.13]

 * Mike: Mom, it's not fair. Why do I have to give up my room for your stupid friend?
 * Dave: Hey, hey, for your information, that room was supposed to be our guest room. You're lucky we even let you use it.


 * Vicky: Hey, hey, hey! What are you doing? I'm cleaning up. Jodi's gonna be here any second. I don't want her to think we live like animals.
 * Dave: Yeah, God forbid your slutty, drunkie friend looks down on us.

How Do You Spell Relief? [1.14]

 * Dave (to Vicky): Are you, huh? Are you pregnant? Is that what you're telling me? Are you telling me that you're pregnant?
 * Vicky: Well, all three times I had to tell you that, I made you a nice meal and got you all liquored up first.
 * Dave: Yeah, well, I'm hungry and sober, so...
 * Vicky: I'm not pregnant.
 * Dave: Thank God! Wait a second. Why would you even think you're pregnant? You're on the pill, right? You are on the pill, aren't you?
 * Vicky: Technically, no.
 * Dave: Technically? Vicky, come on, I don't want "technically." Okay, we already have three accidents. I mean, Allstate won't even insure that uterus, okay?


 * Larry (while playing Monopoly): Yes! With two houses, you owe me $500.
 * Mike: Great. I guess I have to sell a hotel.
 * Larry: You can just owe it to me, I guess.
 * Dave: Whoa, whoa, whoa. You're half-Jewish, half-Italian. Okay, that means you charge him as much as you can and if he doesn't pay, you break his legs.

Looney Tunes [1.15]

 * Dave: No, no. No therapy. Okay? All those head doctors do is say you have ADD or OCD or NAACP and boom, you're labeled a nut job. And once you start, you can't stop. I'm telling you, Vicky, therapy is like crack for sad people.


 * Mike (to Mike & Vicky): All right, look, I have to tell you guys the truth. I'm not really depressed, okay? That note you found was a song I tried to write, and I was just trying to get you to buy me stuff.
 * Vicky: We know that, you idiot!
 * Dave: Yeah, what's the matter with you, huh? How can you do something like that?
 * Vicky: You scared us!
 * Dave: How are we supposed to know when there's something's really wrong with you, you moron!

Oh Grow Up [1.16]

 * Dave (to Vicky): It turns out Hillary's doctor is someone I went to high school with.
 * Vicky: You're kidding. You know Dr. Vogel?
 * Dave: Oh, yeah, I know all about him. Let's just say he turned his hobby into his career.
 * Vicky: What do you mean, he was President of the Pap Smear Club?
 * Dave: In a matter of speaking, yes. I mean, in high school, all this guy talked about was getting into girls' pants. At least back then he had to work at it. Now all he has to do is say next!


 * Hillary (to Dave): What are you calling Dr. Vogel for?
 * (cut scene)
 * Dave: To tell him he's gotten his last peek at my wife and daughter's woo-woos.

The Seventeen Year Itch [1.17]

 * Vicky: (to Dave) Come on, honey. When we got married, it was for better or for worse and I guess I'm just getting better and you're getting worse!


 * Dave (to Vicky): What, you don't think young women find me attractive, huh? Believe me, I'm out there in the world, I see the looks I'm getting, I know what they're thinking.
 * Vicky: Yeah, they're thinking, "Who's this creep staring at my boobs?"

13 Going on $30,000 [1.18]

 * Dave (about Mike): This is a nightmare. I mean, first he wanted to have a bar mitzvah and I'm unhappy. Now he doesn't want to have a bar mitzvah and I'm unhappy. No matter what, I always feel unhappy.
 * Vicky: I'm no expert, but isn't that what being Jewish is all about?
 * (Rabbi Safra nods)

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 * Dave: That's good, Mike. Reallly, I-I gotta tell you, I'm very, very impressed by your commitment and, uh, spirituality. I really, really am. Can I make one comment, though?
 * Mike: Sure, what's that?
 * Dave: You're full of crap!

Snow Job [1.19]

 * Dave: (answering the phone) Hello?
 * Hillary: Hi, Daddy.
 * Dave: What's going on, Hillary? Where are you?
 * Hillary: I fell and I hurt my ankle. I'm at the emergency room.
 * Dave: Okay, just relax, okay? We'll be there in ten minutes.
 * Hillary: Actually, it's gonna take a little longer than ten minutes.
 * Dave: What the hell kind of mall did you go to?
 * Hillary: Oh, did I say "mall"? I meant "ski resort."

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 * Dave: Remember that time we made Mike wear that T-shirt that said "White Power" and threatened to drop him off in Harlem?

The West Palm Beach Story [1.20]

 * Mike: I don't want to go.
 * Dave: Come on, it's Florida, all right? Everybody wants to go. Two million Cubans can't be wrong.

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 * Dave: I want to go down there, and I want to have the best vacation ever, okay and I want to show my father what a loving, terrific, and beautiful family I have.
 * Mike: Oh, my God, you have another family?

The Runaways [1.21]

 * Dave (to Vicky): Are you done with that? I'd like to make a phone call, assuming that's okay with you.
 * Vicky: Sure, go ahead. But when you're done, could you do me a favor?
 * Dave: Yeah.
 * Vicky: Shove it up your ***.
 * Dave: Well, if I do, it's not going to be because you told me to.

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 * (cut scene)
 * Dave: (standing next to a "Reasons to Live" chart) All right, let's see. I have one son that ignores everything I say. (erases Mike's name from chart) The other one ran away. (erases Larry's name from chart) I have a wife that thinks I'm a jackass who needs a haircut. (erases Vicky's name from chart, leaving "Hillary" and "Beer'") Well, at least I have beer in the fridge and a daughter that thinks I'm a hero.

Drive Me Crazy [1.22]

 * Vicky (to Dave): Did you open a new credit card without telling me?
 * Dave: Honey, after 17 years, I don't even take off my pants without telling you.
 * Vicky: Well, you gotta call the credit card company right away, because if you didn't open it and I didn't open it, then it could be identity theft.
 * Dave: Yeah, right, like anyone would want my identity.

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 * Judge: (to Dave) I was going to suspend your license for 90 days and fine you $500, but given these new circumstances, I can no longer do that.
 * Dave: Thank you, Your Honor. Thank you. Thank you very much.
 * Judge: You are, however, guilty of perjury and of falsifying a police report. The court hereby fines you $5,000.
 * (cut scene)
 * Dave: What the hell is wrong with my daughter? Why couldn't she just keep her mouth shut like every other ungrateful teenager? Freakin' big mouth.

Back to School [2.01]

 * Dave: The first day of school. When you're a kid, it's the worst day of the year. When you're a parent, it's the 4th of July, New Year's Eve, and your birthday all rolled into one. In fact, I just got some back-to-school supplies. (opens a bottle of champagne and drinks it)

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 * Dave (to Vicky): What, you've actually thought about breaking up with me?
 * Vicky: Honey, I share a bathroom with you. I think about breaking up with you every morning.
 * Dave: No, no, seriously, tell me, have you actually thought about breaking up with me? Because I can't think of one reason why anyone would want to break up with me.
 * Vicky: (laughs) Trust me, there have been situations.
 * Dave: Yeah? Well, tell me one.
 * Vicky: How about the time when I was pregnant with Hillary and my water broke & your first instinct was to criticize me because I ruined the upholstery of your Camaro.
 * Dave: It was a new car!

Dream Crusher [2.02]

 * Dave: You know what the problem with this country is? Everyone has a freakin' dream, and it's only in America. I mean, have you ever heard of "the Canadian Dream"? No. And there's no such thing as "the Mexican Dream" other than to sneak across the border to have "the American Dream." As much as I hate dreams, yeah, I can't help it, you know? I still have hopes and dreams for my own kids. Mainly that they'll sneak across the border into Mexico and leave me the hell alone.

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 * Hillary: I'm going to be a singer. In fact, when I win my first Grammy, I already have my speech prepared.
 * Dave: Yeah, what's that?
 * Hillary: This is for my parents... to shove it up their ass!
 * Dave: Yeah, you win a Grammy, I'll let you shove it my ass!

Super Dave [2.03]

 * Dave: What?
 * Larry: Kenny's dad promised to take us to the big comic book convention in Philadelphia this weekend, but then, at the last minute, he canceled.
 * [cut scene]
 * Dave: You see, that's why I never promise my kids anything. If they don't expect anything, they'll never be disappointed. It also applies to wives and foreplay.

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 * Vicky: Dave, Hillary wants to spend the night over at a boy's house.
 * Dave: No ****ing way, now you go to your ****ing room and don't come the **** out until I ****ing say so!
 * (Hillary marches upstairs)
 * Vicky: It's good to have you back.

Car Wars [2.04]

 * Dave: Larry, if there's one thing I know about, it's how to ruin a relationship with a brother. If you don't believe me, ask your Uncle Eric.
 * Larry: I have an Uncle Eric?

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 * Dave: (to Larry) Now, look, Heidi was Mike's first girlfriend, so stop teasing him.
 * Mike: Ha!
 * Dave: (to Mike) And for all we know, Heidi could be Larry's last girlfriend, so you lay off.
 * Larry: Ha ha! Hey, wait, what?

I Wash My Hands of You [2.05]

 * Dave: Just relax, okay, my plan is working.
 * Vicky: Oh, you mean the plan you pulled out of your ass?
 * Dave: Yeah, that one.
 * Vicky: Okay, well, keep pulling. Maybe we can get your head out of there.

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 * Dave: It's a fact of life. We all lie. Husbands lie to wives, wives lie to husbands, parents lie to kids and the President lies to everyone. And then, of course, there is the most popular lies: the lies we tell ourselves. (holds up cup that reads "World's Best Dad")

Be Careful What You Ask For [2.06]

 * Larry: (about Tiffany) You shouldn't judge a book by its cover. You should judge it by its smokin' hot body!

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 * Dave: So... Tiffany's, uh, quite the young lady.
 * Bob: Oh, please. She's a nightmare. I want to drop her off in a field, then move, then kill myself to make sure she doesn't find me.

Love This [2.07]

 * Dave: You know, that son of yours just cursed at me.
 * Vicky: Wow, you actually stopped yelling at Larry long enough for him to swear at you?
 * Dave: Hey, you know, when I was a kid, I never would have talked to my father that way. I did it behind his back as a sign of respect.
 * Vicky: Well, what did you do to him?
 * Dave: What's that supposed to mean?
 * Vicky: Well, just that he's a pretty sweet-natured kid. You must have done something to piss him off. Come on, Dave, can't you just try to get along?
 * Dave: For your information, Vicky, I was trying. I sat down with him to watch TV, we talked about "The Lord of the Rings" which he loves so much, and then, out of nowhere, he opens his big mouth and curses at me. I mean, what kind of **** is that?

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 * Dave: Hey, what's going on? What are you two doing?
 * Larry: We're just playing this really cool computer simulation game, where you get to interact with thousands of people in a virtual world. You can earn virtual money and buy virtual property, and...
 * Dave: Oh, yeah, yeah, I heard about this game. I heard it's so realistic that you guys can't get dates there, either.

Gaza Strip [2.08]

 * Dave: Kenny, come out of the closet right now!
 * [cut scene]
 * Kenny: If only it were that easy.

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 * Hillary: You've never liked any boy I've ever brought home.
 * Dave: Oh, that's not true.
 * Hillary: You know what, why don't you just pick my next boyfriend?
 * Dave: No, no, no, no. I don't pick out. I kick out.

Cork Screwed! [2.09]

 * Dave: What are you talking about? We do a lot of fun things together.
 * Vicky: Oh, yeah, we have a ball. There's nothing better than sitting on the couch watching TV, bitching about our kids during commercials.
 * Dave: Come on, that's not all we do.
 * Vicky: That's true. Sometimes we bitch about our jobs, too.

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 * Dave: (to Vicky) I promise I'll get him to stop seeing her. (cut scene) You know, sometimes I feel horrible about lying right to my wife's face. This is not one of those times.

Love is Blind [2.10]

 * Vicky: Relax, Dave. It's one game of Dungeons & Dragons.
 * Dave: Oh, no, there's no one game of Dungeons & Dragons. Okay, once you start that game, you're hooked, okay? It's like crack for losers.

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 * Dave: Now go to your room and stay there.
 * Larry: I'm being sent to my room for getting beaten up?
 * Dave: Yes.
 * Larry: This is completely unfair!
 * Dave: All right, one more word out of you and I'm gonna make you play basketball.
 * (Larry runs off)

Out & In [2.11]

 * Larry: What's going on?
 * Kenny: I'm gay.
 * Larry: Excuse me?
 * Kenny: I'm gay.
 * Larry: No, you're not.
 * Kenny: Yeah, I am.
 * Larry: No, you're not.
 * Dave: Yeah, he is!

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 * Larry: Hey, Dad, can I have $40? I need it so I can take out this girl.
 * Dave: Oh, hey, here's 50 bucks. And some Tic Tacs.
 * Larry: No, thanks. I don't need those.
 * Dave: Oh, yeah, you do. So, who's the girl?
 * Larry: Actually, it's two girls.
 * Mike: Two girls for $50? Wow, that's half what you usually pay.
 * Larry: Well, I guess your mom works cheap. (laughs)
 * Mike: Larry, Larry, for the last time, making "your mom" jokes to your own brother, it just defeats the whole purpose.

Put on a Happy Face [2.12]

 * Vicky: If Kenny's the gay one, how come Larry's the drama queen?

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 * Vicky: I'm just saying Kenny's acting like he's fine, but I can tell he's crying on the inside.
 * Dave: Good. That's where he should cry. That's where I've been crying for the last 30 years, and it hasn't hurt me any. (opens a beer and drinks it)
 * Vicky: Hasn't hurt the beer industry, either.

It's Not Easy Being Green [2.13]

 * Dave: Wow, I can't remember the last time you made these.
 * Vicky: I do. It was four years ago, the last time we had family movie night, which I'm excited to say, I am re-instating starting tonight.
 * Dave: Ugh! Why? Sweetie, why are you doing this to me? I already hate Monday through Friday. You got to ruin Sunday now?

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 * Hillary: I have to prepare for my interview.
 * Dave: All right. You gonna go think up some good things to say to them?
 * Hillary: No, Dad, I'm gonna focus on what's important: picking out an outfit.

A Lower-Middle-Upper-Middle-Class Problem [2.14]

 * Dave: Hey, Vicky, what the hell's going on with Hillary? You know, she bought herself some expensive cell phone that I know she can't afford.
 * Vicky: Oh, no. You don't think she's shoplifting, do you?
 * Dave: No, no. I mean, she wears her clothes so tight, I mean, where would she hide anything? I don't know, but she's up to something, okay? Something's going on with her. Haven't you noticed that she's always on the phone, she's always text messaging, and she's being so secretive?
 * Vicky: Oh, my God! You don't think she's... a teenager?

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 * Larry: There he is! The greatest dad in the world!
 * Dave: You're not getting any more money.
 * Larry: I hate you!

Zero Tolerance [2.15]

 * Dave: If you'll excuse me, I'm going to go on the roof.
 * Vicky: Hey, I don't want you going up there to smoke pot.
 * Dave: Oh, I'm not. I'm going to throw myself off it.

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 * Dave: (to Larry) You got busted with pot? What the hell's the matter with you? You know, I'm ashamed to call you my son. (cut scene) All right, the truth is, this is actually the first time I feel like he really is my son.

No Weddings and a Funeral [2.16]

 * Vicky: So, Mom, when's the wedding?
 * Betty: It's two weeks from today.
 * Sid: And we want you all to be there.
 * Vicky: Well, of course we're all going to be there.
 * Dave: Yeah, I can't think of any reason why we wouldn't. (cut scene) But two weeks should be enough time for me to come up with something

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 * Vicky: What's more important: my mother's happiness or a free trip to the Caribbean?
 * Dave: Vicky, I know what answer you're hoping to hear, but we both know which one is going to come out of my mouth.

Kenny Doesn't Live Here Anymore [2.17]

 * Dave: Hey, remember how you said me sticking up for Kenny was a wonderful thing?
 * Vicky: (raising her wine glass) Yeah.
 * Dave: Well, Social Services is on their way here to take him away. By the way, it might not be a bad idea if you weren't drinking when they got here.

Take This Job and Bleep It [2.18]

 * Dave: Can you believe these kids?
 * Vicky: What can I say? Your sperm and my eggs, it's a powerful combination, honey.
 * Dave: It certainly defeated every form of birth control we tried.

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 * Dave: I don't know about you two, but I'm sick and tired of working for that douche bag. I mean, when's it going to be my turn to be the boss and have people call me the douche bag?
 * Joe: Apparently, a lot of people around here already think you're the boss.

The White Shadow [2.19]

 * Dave: Hey, look, I found my old notebook with all my old rhymes in it.
 * Larry: You held on to that, and yet you threw away any picture of me before the age of ten.
 * Dave: I was doing you a favor. You were not a photogenic child.

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 * Dave: You have no idea what it's like to have an unsupportive father like that.
 * Larry: I'm sure it could cause some real damage.
 * Dave: You have no idea, freak show. No idea.

The War of the Golds [2.20]

 * Larry: Yeah, but I thought Mom and Dad were happy.
 * Hillary: Really? Douchebag and Skank never struck you as odd pet names?

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 * Vicky: We need to choose somebody who would have guardianship over the kids.
 * Dave: Look, I don't care that much about them now, all right? You think I'm going to care about them when I'm dead?

A Bitter Pill to Swallow [2.21]

 * Dave: What the hell are you doing sitting by the trash cans?
 * Larry: Just hanging out.
 * Dave: Oh, I know I told you you were garbage before, but I didn't mean it literally.

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 * Dave: (after sees Taye & Hillary kissing) Yo! Father in the room! Hey, Taye, let me tell you something. The only thing you should be kissing in this house is my ass.

The Graduate [2.22]

 * Mike: Alright, I've been up all night brainstorming, and I think you're both going to be very pleased.
 * Larry: Wow, you know, this is the first time I've ever been excited about having a little brother since they brought you home from the hospital and I realized that no one would pay any attention to me ever again... (pauses) So what do you got?

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 * Dave: Think, Fink. This is your opportunity to be rid of Hillary Gold once and for all. And if I were you, I'd be attaching a rocket to her ass and shooting her out into space. I mean, seriously, do you really want this girl in your school a minute longer than necessary.
 * Principal Fink: You know, I never quite thought of it like that. Okay!