The Worst Week of My Life

The Worst Week of my Life is a BBC comedy starring Ben Miller and Sarah Alexander. Miller plays the hopeless Howard Steel and in the first series he's trying to marry the lovely Mel Cook [Alexander]. By series 2 they're expecting a baby...

Series 1
Howard Steel: [about Binky, after chucking him into a cement mixer] It's just a bloody...Waste of dog.

Dick Cook: [not amused] ...Yes.  Howard: [peacefully, to Mel's Mum] If it's any consolation, Angela, I'm sure he didn't feel any pain.

Angela: [has been crying, nods, sniffing]

Granny: [casually] Noo, the speed of the cement mixer would've crushed his little skull in seconds!

Angela: Ohh...God! [runs out of the room, crying]  Howard: That's the thing about accidents...They're nobody's fault.  [Howard's mobile phone is ringing, he ignores it]

Mel: Well aren't you going to answer it?

Howard: No, I don't think so.

Mel: Why not?

Howard: Probably a wrong number.

Mel: How do you know that?

Howard: I always get them.

Mel: Howard, stop it. Answer your phone.

Howard: I really don't think that's a good idea, Mel.

Mel: [goes to take phone, Howard answers]

Howard: [on phone] Hello?

Cassy: [on phone] I want to make love to you

Howard:[on phone] Sorry, you've got the wrong number

Cassy:[on phone]I want to be with you, Howard!

Howard:[on phone] Stop ringing me, thanks [hangs up]

Mel: [confused and concerned looks towards Dick and Angela]

Series 2
Yvonne: [sits down at the kitchen table and puts her bag and guide stick down in 2 of Angela's puddings]

Angela: [shouts] Yvonne!

Yvonne: What? I'm only here you know, no need to shout.

Angela: You've ruined the Marrang! You've put your things in the main puddings!

Yvonne: Well I can't help it. I only wanted some breakfast and I can't even have that? I've had a long journey down, you know. I'll have a boiled egg- not too runny. And two pieces of toast.

Angela: What?!

Yvonne: 2 Pieces of toast! Good God, girl. I'm blind and you're deaf. Fine pair we make.  Yvonne: [at table, alone] Who's that?

Mel: Mel

Yvonne: Mel? I've heard you've got yourself pregnant

Mel: Yes I have

Yvonne: With that awful man, Howard. Wasn't his speech terrible at the wedding?

Mel: Many people thought it was quite sweet.

Yvonne: And another thing, he reeks of cabbage

Mel: Cabbage?

Yvonne: Yes, cabbage. You notice these things up when you're blind.  Yvonne: I smell cabbage.

Howard: [enters the room, to Mel who's lying on a sofa] Good idea honey, taking it easy.  Howard: You're looking well, Yvonne

Yvonne: [not taking the compliment]Am I.

Howard: Yes, you must come and visit us when we move in.

Yvonne: [deadpan] Yes I heard you blew Hilder's cottage up.

Howard: Now, actually, that wasn't me, it was my dad.

Yvonne: So that's where you get it from..  Dick: [genuinely surprised and pleased about the work Howard's done on mowing the front lawn] You've done a good job, Howard. Well done!

Howard: Thankyou dick! How's Yvonne?

Dick: Minor burns, they've been treated.

Howard: Ahh. Want me to crack on with the back lawn?

Dick: Yes, why not? [goes back to helping Angela with Yvonne at the car]

[Howard drives the lawn mower forwards onto the gravel, stones fly everywhere]

Howard: I can't turn it off!

[''stones fly out and smash the windows and car. Dick, Angela and Yvonne all drop to the ground to avoid being hit'']  Howard: [In front of Dick's CBE party guests] Excuse me everyone? [they carry on talking] if I could just say a few words? [They continue, Shouts] HELLO?! [they shut up and turn to face him] Thankyou. My name's Howard Steel, some of you might not of heard of me, I'm Dick and Angela's son-in-law and husband of Mel.

Frasier: [walks in, interrupts] I have something I have been keeping from you. Ladies and Gentlemen, I am Frasier Cook- [about being Gay]

Howard: -Yes, well not quite now, Frasier. Anyway, we all know how hard Dick has worked to receive a CBE from her Maje and we all know that the said CBE went missing-

Frasier: -I'm afraid there's something I need to tell you all. I find it very hard as you're my family...

Mel: [quietly, whispering] Howard?

Howard: [quietly] Not now, dear. [louder] So, to receive an award like this-

Mel: [quietly, whispering] My waters have broken.

Howard: [dismissively, quietly] Ok, dear. [louder] Ladies and Gentlemen, [realises what Mel's just said] MY WIFE'S WATERS HAVE JUST BROKEN?!