Three Men and a Baby

Three Men and a Baby is a 1987 comedy film starring Tom Selleck, Steve Guttenberg, and Ted Danson, directed by Leonard Nimoy, in his first non-Star Trek movie directorial role.

It was followed by the 1990 sequel, Three Men and a Little Lady. They changed her diapers. She changed their lives. taglines

Dialogue

 * Michael: How can something so small create so much of something so disgusting?
 * Peter: Beats the shit out of me.


 * Michael: She did a doodle; your turn to change her.
 * Peter: I'll give you a $1,000.00 if you'll do it.


 * Jack: Angelyne! Whew! Boy, you look different. What happened?
 * Angelyne: I'm dressed.


 * Rebecca: Jack has a baby?
 * Peter: I realize such a concept tends to negate our belief in a benevolent God, but yes.


 * Mrs. Hathaway: I love kids. Unfortunately, Mr. Hathaway and I aren't able to have children. He has a low sperm count.
 * Michael: Some guys have all the luck.


 * Peter: All we have to do is feed it, it'll shut up.
 * Michael: I don't know what babies eat.
 * Peter: Soft stuff. We were babies once, for God's sake. What did we eat?
 * Michael: I don't know, but it couldn't have been very good. I can't remember!


 * [Peter has gone to the store for baby supplies, leaving Michael to take care of a wailing Mary by himself]
 * Michael (singing): Hush little baby, don't you cry. When Peter gets home, I'm gonna punch him in the eye!


 * Peter: Feel her teeth.
 * Michael: What?
 * Peter: The druggist said you can tell how old she is by feeling her teeth.
 * Michael: I'm not going to feel her teeth, YOU feel her teeth!
 * [Peter wets and cleans his finger, then sticks it in Mary's mouth]
 * Peter: I can't feel anything.
 * Michael: What does that mean?
 * Peter: It means she doesn't have any damn teeth!
 * Michael: Well, neither did Gabby Hayes and he was 90, so what?


 * Peter: I'm an architect, for Christ's sake, I build 50 story skyscrapers, I assemble cities of the future, I can certainly put together a goddamn diaper.


 * Michael: Whoa, these diapers are way too big!
 * Peter: They're ultra absorbent! The more absorbent, the better, if you ask me.


 * Peter: Where'd you put the baby powder?
 * Michael: Down the hall, I'll get it.
 * Peter: What'd you put it out there for? We're bathing her in here.
 * Michael: It's just down the hall!
 * Peter: Well, we're not bathing her in the hall, are we?
 * Michael: Well, maybe we should START, goddamn it!
 * [slams baby powder container on pool table, causing powder to pour everywhere]
 * Peter: You're going to clean that up.

Taglines

 * They changed her diapers. She changed their lives.
 * Peter, Michael and Jack know a thing or two about women. But when it comes to babies, they're all wet.

Cast

 * Tom Selleck - Peter Mitchell
 * Steve Guttenberg - Michael Kellam
 * Ted Danson - Jack Holden
 * Margaret Colin - Rebecca
 * Celeste Holm - Mrs. Holden
 * Nancy Travis - Sylvia Bennington
 * Alexandra Amini - Patty
 * Francine Beers - Woman at Gift Shop
 * Lisa and Michelle Blair - Mary Bennington
 * Philip Bosco - Det. Sgt. Melkowitz
 * Barbara Budd - Actress
 * Michael Burgess - Man at Party
 * Claire Cellucci - Angelyne
 * Eugene Clark - Man #1 at Party
 * Derek de Lint - Jan Clopatz
 * Jacob Strackeljahn - Juan Pablo Jr.
 * Jeff Kingsley - Dr. Octavius Agustus Steelex
 * Dave Foley - Grocery Store Clerk
 * Cynthia Harris - Mrs. Hathaway