Time Bandits

Time Bandits is a 1981 fantasy film about a young boy who accidentally joins a band of dwarves as they jump from time-period to time-period looking for treasure to steal.
 * Directed by Terry Gilliam (who created animations for Monty Python's Flying Circus) and produced by George Harrison's Handmade Films.
 * Written by Terry Gilliam and Michael Palin.

All the dreams you've ever had - and not just the good ones... Taglines

Supreme Being

 * Dead? No excuse for laying off work.
 * They'll think I've lost control again and put it all down to evolution.
 * Well I am the Supreme Being. I'm not entirely dim.

Evil

 * I have the map! I have the map! And the day after tomorrow... The world!
 * Now Benson, I'm going to have to turn you into a dog for a while.
 * Stand by for mind control!
 * You are a very troublesome little fellow. I think I should teach you one of my special lessons? What do you think, Robert? Benson? What would look nice? Half-warthog? Half-donkey? Half-oyster? Half-carrot?

Randall

 * You see, to be quite frank, Kevin, the fabric of the universe is far from perfect. It was a bit of botched job, you see. We only had seven days to make it. And that's where this comes in. This is the only map of all the holes. Well, why repair them? Why not use them to get stinking rich?

Dialogue

 * Evil: What sort of Supreme Being created such riffraff? Is this not the workings of a complete incompetent?
 * Baxi Brazilia III: But He created you, Evil One!
 * Evil : What did you say?
 * Baxi: Well He created you, so He can't be totally— [Evil blows him to bits]
 * Evil: Never talk to me like that again! No one created me! I am Evil. Evil existed long before good. I made myself. I cannot be unmade. I am all powerful! [Minions applaud]
 * Cartwright: But why, if that's the case, are you unable to escape from this fortress? [Evil obliterates him]
 * Evil: It's a good question. Why have I let the Supreme Being keep me here in the Fortress of Ultimate Darkness?
 * Robert: Because you—
 * Evil: Shut up. I'm speaking rhetorically.
 * Robert: Oh, of course.
 * Evil: I let Him keep me here in order to lull Him into a false sense of security.


 * Evil: When I have the map, I will be free, and the world will be different, because I have understanding.
 * Minion: Uh, understanding of what, Master?
 * Evil: Digital watches. And soon I shall have understanding of video cassette recorders and car telephones. And when I have understanding of them, I shall have understanding of computers. And when I have understanding of computers, I shall be the Supreme Being! God isn't interested in technology. He knows nothing of the potential of the microchip or the silicon revolution. Look how He spends His time! Forty-three species of parrots! Nipples for men!
 * Robert: Slugs.
 * Evil: Slugs! He created slugs. They can't hear! They can't speak! They can't operate machinery! I mean, are we not in the hands of a lunatic?... If I were creating a world, I wouldn't mess about with butterflies and daffodils. I would have started with lasers, eight o'clock, day one! [accidentally zaps a minion, who screams] Sorry.


 * Wally: Vermin, that is not meant to be eaten.
 * Vermin: You never know 'till you've eaten it!


 * Evil: Oh, Benson! I feel the power of evil coursing through my veins, filling every corner of my being with the desire to do wrong! I feel so bad, Benson!
 * Benson: Good! Good!
 * Evil: Yes, it is good, for this is the worst kind of badness that I'm feeling!


 * Robin Hood: The poor are going to be absolutely thrilled. Have you met them at all?
 * Randall: Who?
 * Robin Hood: The poor.
 * Randall: The poor?
 * Robin Hood: Oh, you must meet them. I'm sure you'll like them. Of course they haven't got two pennies to rub together but that's because they're poor!


 * Robin Hood: Oh yes, and believe you me, the poor are going to be, well not just absolutely thrilled, but also considerably less poor. Aren't they Redgrave?
 * Redgrave: [Gibberish]
 * Robin Hood: You see- what did he say?
 * Marion: He says yeah, what with Christmas coming up and all.


 * Robin Hood: And how long have you been a robber?
 * Strutter: Four foot one.
 * Robin Hood: Good lord! Jolly good. Four foot one? Well that-that-that is-is- a long time, isn't it?


 * Kevin: I'll never get the chance to meet Robin Hood again.
 * Randall: Oh, stop moaning. He's obviously a dangerous man, unbalanced if you ask me. Giving away what isn't even his!
 * Kevin: That's what Robin Hood always did. Even I know that.
 * Randall: Of course, you know it all.
 * Kevin: He was one of my heroes.
 * Randall: Heroes! Heroes! What do they know about a day's work?


 * Evil: Oh, Benson... Dear Benson, you are so mercifully free of the ravages of intelligence.
 * Benson: Oh, you say such nice things, Master.
 * Evil: Yes I know, I'm sorry!


 * Randall: Look, do you want to be leader of this gang?
 * Strutter: No, we agreed: No leader!
 * Randall: Right. So shut up and do as I say.


 * Evil: Suddenly, I feel very, very good.
 * Robert: Oh, I'm sorry, Master.
 * Evil: No, it'll pass, it'll pass.
 * Benson: Shall I bring them in, Master?
 * Evil: Yes, Benson. Bring them into the Time of Legends!


 * [as the group floats in the water after the Titanic sinks]
 * Fidgit: I wanna go home! I can't stand it! You're gonna get us all killed, Randall!
 * Randall: Stop whimpering Fidget! How was I to know we were gonna run slap bang into an iceberg? It didn't say 'Get off before the iceberg' on the ticket!


 * Kevin: Is it always like this after you've done a raid?
 * Fidgit: I don't know. We've never done one before.
 * [Long pause]
 * Kevin: But I thought you were international criminals.
 * Randall: Going to be. Going to be.


 * Kevin: [referring to Agamemnon,an ancient Greek king] The money wasn't important to him.
 * Randall: He didn't have anything to spend it on, did he? Stuck out in Greece. Lowest standard of living in Europe.


 * [After the group had been taken prisoner by Evil and left to rot in a cage hanging over a void, Vermin notices a rat coming down the rope towards them. He quickly grabs the rat and starts eating it with a loud crunch.]:
 * Vermin: Rat, anybody? Might be the last meal you get.
 * [Vermin takes another bite before offering the half eaten rat to Randall who refuses it instantly]:
 * Randal: Oi, leave off!


 * Supreme Being: I should do something very extroverted and vengeful to you. Honestly, I'm too tired. So, I think I'll transfer you to the undergrowth department, brackens, small shrubs, that sort of thing... with a 19% cut in salary, backdated to the beginning of time.
 * Randall: Oh, thank you, sir.
 * Supreme Being: Yes, well, I am the nice one.

Taglines

 * All the dreams you've ever had - and not just the good ones...
 * ...they didn't make history, they stole it!

Cast

 * David Warner - Evil
 * Craig Warnock - Kevin
 * David Rappaport - Randall
 * Kenny Baker - Fidgit
 * Malcolm Dixon - Strutter
 * Mike Edmonds - Og
 * Jack Purvis - Wally
 * Tiny Ross - Vermin
 * Michael Palin - Vincent
 * John Cleese - Robin Hood
 * Sean Connery - King Agamemnon/Fireman
 * Shelley Duvall - Pansy
 * Ian Holm - Napoleon
 * Ralph Richardson - Supreme Being
 * Peter Vaughan - Winston the Ogre