Triumph, the Insult Comic Dog

The following are several of the quotes associated with Triumph, the Insult Comic Dog, the fictional puppet character from NBC's Late Night with Conan O'Brien:

Premiere Line, Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Clones

 * -Triumph: "May the Force be with you... for me... to poop on."


 * -Triumph: "Unbelievable, look, among the nerds I found an actual girl here. Look at this, not too shabby around here, huh honey? The male/female ratio, yeah? I mean, you've got your veritable pick of the litter: you can choose from all kinds of guys who have no idea how to please you."


 * While talking to a pregnant fan:
 * -Triumph: "So what's going on here, we've got a little future nerd in here?"
 * -Woman: "Yes, yes, future nerd, future Jedi."
 * -Triumph: "When is he due?"
 * -Woman: "June 27th, 6 weeks."
 * -Triumph: "Wow. That's the last time he'll ever see female genitalia."


 * To a fan in a Darth Vader costume (on the chestbar):
 * -Triumph: "So this is to help you breathe yes? And which of these buttons calls your parents to pick you up?"


 * First encounter with Blackwolf the Dragonmaster, self-proclaimed Unofficial Wizard of New York City:
 * -Triumph: "All right! And don't you forget to finish your Filet-O-Fish --- Dragonmaster!"
 * -Blackwolf: "Oh, quiet!"
 * -Triumph: "Burger King: Where ALL Dragonmasters eat!"


 * From that same encounter:
 * -Triumph: "So you're here just to pay your respects to the Jedi?"
 * -Blackwolf: "Hello! You are one uninformed hound, you know that?"
 * -Triumph: "It's called reality, my friend."


 * Addressing the crowd at the premiere for Attack Of The Clones:
 * -Triumph: "Okay, you guys ready for some trivia? Here's the first question. *Reading off a card.* What substance was Han Solo frozen in?"
 * -Crowd: "Carbonite!"
 * -Triumph: "No no, I'm sorry, I'm very sorry, the correct answer is 'Who gives a shit?'"

"And now we proceed to the ceremonial banging of the plastic toys." Then, the groom kisses the bride, "after years of practicing on his sister".
 * When looking at a wedding organized in the waiting queue, Triumph notices the Jedi create a tunnel with their light sabers, while quickly repeatedly hitting the opposite person's tool. His description:


 * Later at the same premiere
 * -Triumph: "Star Wars will be a great movie... for me to poop on!"

Triumph visits Quebec
During Conan's special series of shows taped in Toronto, Canada, a segment in which Triumph pokes fun at the Quebec separation movement generated a firestorm of controversy from Canadian politicians, especially due to the fact the government had provided funding to help pay for Conan being taped in Toronto.


 * Hurled at an overweight man:
 * -Triumph: "Are you a separatist?... Maybe you should try separating yourself from donuts first."


 * Addressing a French person who could not speak English:
 * -Triumph: "Pardon me, I only know your basic french expressions like 'I surrender'."

Triumph visits Spin Alley
Triumph takes on Republican and Democratic spin doctors and political bigwigs after the 3rd U.S. presidential debate (2004) in what he refers to as Poop Valhalla. To Paul Begala: "Here, I'll talk to your butt...I'm sorry I forgot which side the poop comes out of."

Triumph attends a Bon Jovi concert

 * Triumph interviews fans, the band, and sings on stage with the band. To Bon Jovi:
 * -Triumph: "So you're acting now, you're in a vampire movie, yes? That's good. Finally, a role that requires you to suck."

To Heather Locklear:
 * -Triumph: "In the 80's, did Richie feather his pubes?"

Triumph goes on Hollywood Squares

 * Triumph guest stars on the show and interviews celebrities such as Whoopi Goldberg and Al Roker, and hurls insults at Kathie Lee Gifford. When asked on the show which breed of dog is the heaviest:
 * -Triumph: "That's the Lhasa-Oprah. I'm pretty sure. It's either that or the Roker-Spaniel."


 * He returned after the re-design of the set
 * -Triumph: "Bergeron, I don't believe this place, it's all new! It's a new set, a new logo... you've got a brand new bitch [referring to Ellen DeGeneres] in the center square... Unbelievable!  I've got one question, though.  Why the Hell are you still here?!  Whose leg did you hump to keep this job?"

Triumph visits the Michael Jackson trial
Triumph reports from outside the courthouse during Michael Jackson's child molestation trial.
 * Triumph: "The poopy stench of media scum is neutralized by the sweet and pungent aroma of lunacy that is the Michael Jackson fan."
 * To a fan videotaping:
 * -Triumph: "Three months out here supporting Michael Jackson. Do you realize you could have been head movie usher by now?"


 * Triumph: "Of course, until the trial's over, none of us can really know whether Michael Jackson is innocent or guilty. But there's one thing we do know -- he's guilty."
 * When a Jackson fan dressed as a clown declines to be interviewed by Triumph:
 * -Triumph: "Oh, I understand. You wouldn't want to compromise your dignity!"


 * Curious to know what a fellow reporter thinks of the trial hearings to date, Triumph asks:
 * -Triumph: "On a scale of 1 to 10, how old is Michael's boyfriend?"

Triumph visits Kevin Pereira of G4TV's Attack of the Show

 * -Triumph: "I can't believe I'm talking to Kevin Pereira. You're the biggest star on G4TV; that's like being the biggest FLEA on my LEFT NUT."

Etc.

 * Commenting on the television show American Idol
 * -Triumph: "I ranked the contestants with three levels: gay, very gay, and Clay Aiken."