Two and a Half Men (season 7)


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Two and a Half Men (2003–2015) is a TV series original centered around a hip single bachelor whose lifestyle is interrupted when his newly separated brother and his son move in.

818-jklpuzo [7.1]

 * [While Mia is singing incredibly badly in a recording studio, the music operator gives Charlie an incredulous look]
 * Charlie: I know, it's hard to believe I'm not banging her.
 * Operator: Then why are we here?
 * Charlie: She's an old friend and I'm helping her out.
 * Operator: You really wanna help her? Sneak up behind her with a big rock.

For the Sake of the Child [7.5]

 * Alan: [Reading a self-help book] Okay, name three things you would change about me.
 * Charlie: Your personality, your wardrobe and your address.


 * Charlie: The way you chew your food, the hair in your ears and your address.
 * Alan: That stopped being funny a week ago.
 * Charlie: Judges?
 * Berta: Still funny.


 * [Charlie and Alan are playing a Word game in which they insult each other with letters of the alphabet]
 * Alan: You are a lush!
 * Charlie: You are a leech!
 * Alan: You are a misogynist!
 * Charlie: You are a mistake!
 * Alan: You are a... What are we up to?
 * Charlie: N.
 * Alan: Thank you. You are a necrophiliac!
 * Charlie: She was drunk, not dead, I challenge!
 * Alan: Okay, fine. You are a narcissist.
 * Charlie: Better. You are a nancy-boy.
 * Alan: You are old!
 * Charlie: You are oddly-shaped.
 * Alan: [Phone rings] Hang on.
 * Charlie: You are a parasite.
 * Alan: Not your turn. [Answers phone] Hello. Oh, hey, Judith. What's up? What do you mean what happened with Jake? We had a nice weekend. Well, we went driving, to the movies, um, ice cream.
 * Charlie: Quack, rectal, suckwad!
 * Alan: [To Charlie] I never got my "P".
 * Charlie: All you do is pee.
 * Alan: [To Judith] What? What? Nothing. Just a little word game. You know, exercise the brain. [To Charlie] Twit!
 * Charlie: Turd burglar!
 * Alan: [To Judith] Judith, I don't know what Jake's problem is. We had a terrific weekend. Huh. [To Charlie] Jake says he doesn't wanna come here anymore.
 * Charlie: Really? Why?
 * Alan: I don't know. [To Judith] Did he say why? Charlie and I don't bicker. I mean, no more than any other couple of guys. [To Charlie] Right?
 * Charlie: Right! Oh, oh, oh! You are a eunuch!
 * Alan: That's E, not U. Learn to spell. Useless! [to Judith] Look, I don't know what to tell you. He's a teenager. He'll get over it. Okay. Okay. Bye-bye. [hangs up] Well, I hope you're happy.
 * Charlie: I haven't been happy in seven years.
 * Alan: For your information, I will not have been here seven years until next fall.
 * Charlie: Oh, good to know. Circle the date on the calendar so I'll know when to hang myself.
 * Alan: Ha, ha. Funny. It's because of you, Jake doesn't wanna come here anymore. Great.
 * Charlie: Tell me what I did so I can do it to you!
 * Alan: God, you are such a... What are we up to?
 * Charlie: V.
 * Alan: Varmint! You are a varmint.
 * Charlie: Yeah, well, you are a vagina!
 * Alan: You're calling me a vagina?
 * Charlie: No, no, no. No, that's too good for you. What you are is vagina-adjacent.
 * Berta: You know, for some women, this could be considered a hostile work environment.

Fart Jokes, Pie, and Celeste [7.12]

 * Charlie: So what's the plan?
 * Jake: I'm gonna finish writing her this song and then I'm gonna sing it to her.
 * Charlie: Ok uh, is that the entire plan?
 * Jake: No, I'm also gonna put on a clean shirt.
 * Charlie: Oh, pulling out the big guns.


 * Alan: You can't do this, Judith, you cannot keep us apart. Herb and I will find a way to be together.
 * Mailman: Hi.
 * Alan: Hi, that must have sounded kinda strange.
 * Mailman: Not at all. Herb is a very handsome man.


 * Charlie: You know, you make it really difficult to love you sometimes.
 * Jake: Yeah, that's what my mom says.


 * Jake: I miss Celeste.
 * Charlie: I miss Chelsea.
 * Alan: I miss Herb... I mean, Sex and the City, I miss Sex And The City.
 * Charlie: Yeah, Alan, that's much less gay.

Yay, No Polyps [7.13]

 * Charlie: I need something cooling and soothing. You could roast a marshmallow on my anus.
 * Jake: You know what would be good for dessert? S'mores.