Two and a Half Men (season 9)


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Two and a Half Men (2003–2015) is a TV series original centered around a hip single bachelor whose lifestyle is interrupted when his newly separated brother and his son move in.

Nice to Meet You, Walden Schmidt [9.01]

 * Alan: I'd like to take a moment to talk about my brother and his incredible love for life.
 * Lydia: He also loved being back for a week.
 * Michelle: …while wearing my panties.
 * Miss Pasternak: He used my panties to make tea.


 * Alan:'' That's Okay brother.
 * Walden: Oh, I'm sorry I made you spill him.
 * Alan: That's okay, that's okay. I'll Dustbust him later.
 * Walden: You know what, I'll get out of your way. Thank you for letting me use your phone.


 * (Walden and Alan, in a bar, talking about Judith and Alan's divorce)
 * Walden: Why did she (Judith) leave you?
 * Alan: Not a clue, she's a crazy bitch.


 * Alan: So, just out of curiosity, how does someone get to be worth so much money?
 * Walden: Well, it's pretty simple, really. You ever hear of BlunGogo.com?
 * Alan: No.
 * Walden: You never will, because Microsoft bought it from me for $1.3 Billion. Then they bundled it with their "iPod killer," the Zune.
 * Alan: Really? I don't think it came with my Zune.
 * Walden: You bought a Zune?
 * Alan: I had a coupon.

People Who Love Peepholes [9.02]

 * Walden: I love peepholes.
 * Alan: You know what they say: "People who love peepholes are the luckiest people in the world."

Big Girls Don't Throw Food [9.03]

 * Walden: Wait a minute, Why are we calling it Jake's room?
 * Berta: Herpes (Alan) has a kid.
 * Walden: Herpes Junior?

Those Fancy Japanese Toilets [9.07]

 * (Walden and Evelyn just had sex)
 * Walden: Promise you won't tell Alan?
 * Evelyn: I gonna tell everybody.

Frodo's Headshots [9.09]

 * Alan: Have you told your mother about this?
 * Jake: No, I was hoping you'd tell her.
 * Alan: Why would I tell her?
 * Jake: Because she already hates you and she scares the crap out of me.


 * Alan: How could you do this?! How could you have an affair when I'm locked up in a booby hatch?!?
 * Berta: I thought it was a stress clinic.
 * Alan: EVERYBODY KNOWS WHAT IT WAS!!! I lost my freaking mind!! But luckily, now I'm better! So, I'll have the tools to cope with WHATEVER LIFE THROWS AT ME!!!

A Possum on Chemo [9.14]

 * [Jake and Eldridge are high]
 * Eldridge: It seems overly complicated.
 * Jake: What is?
 * Eldridge: Why don't they just make chips with the dip already on them?
 * Jake: Dude, that's a million dollar idea.
 * Eldridge: What is?
 * Jake: Pre-dipped chips.
 * Eldridge: Hey, that's a million dollar idea.
 * Jake: What's a million dollar idea?
 * Eldridge: It's an idea worth a million dollars.
 * Jake: Boy, I wish I had one of those.

The Straw In My Donut Hole [9.23]

 * Alan: …and what pray tell is that?
 * Walden: That is a 46" high-definition plasma screen TV, complete with a deluxe sports satellite package.
 * Alan: Nice! No movies?
 * Walden: No, we could switch it to a movie package.
 * Alan: Or you could add it.
 * Walden: Oh, okay, we'll add it.
 * Alan: And don't forget the adult channels.
 * Walden: No problem.
 * Alan: You have to ask for them specifically otherwise they block them.
 * Walden: Right.
 * [...]
 * Lyndsey: "You got any porn on this thing?"
 * Alan: "Uh, gee, I, I don't know."
 * Lyndsey: "Why don't you check? Shake things up a bit."
 * Alan: "Oh, gosh, well, I, yeah, I guess I, I guess I, I-I could do that. Oh, look, there's some now. How fortuitous."

Oh Look! Al-Qaeda! [9.24]

 * Alan: Come on, Judith. He's your son, too. I have videotape of him shooting out of your body.