UHF (film)

UHF is a 1989 film about a hapless dreamer who suddenly becomes in charge of a rinky-dink UHF television station and turns it into the most popular channel in town.
 * Directed by Jay Levey. Written by Weird Al Yankovic and Jay Levey.

TV as it was meant to be seen. In a movie theater. taglines

George Newman

 * Lesbian Nazi hookers abducted by UFOs and forced into weight-loss programs, all this week on Town Talk!
 * Sex with furniture, what do you think?
 * Look up! Look down! Now look at Mr. Frying Pan! [George conks Bobbo in the face with the frying pan] Uh-oh. Bobbo fall down go boom. Uuupsy-daisy...Aw, what's wrong, Bobbo? I bet I know! You're hungry, aren't you? [Bobbo honks his horn weakly] Have I got just the thing for you! Yes sir, clowns AND kids alike just can't resist the mouth-watering, lip-smacking taste of Mrs. Hackenberger's Butter Cookies! [He proceeds to stuff Bobbo's face with "cookies," which are actually dog biscuits; George has picked up the wrong box!!] Right, Bobbo? That's right! And guess what, Mom? They're nutritious, too! Just look at how much Bobbo here likes 'em! [cut to a revolted Bobbo] Mmmm, THAT'S GOOOOOD!! [Bobbo looks ready to vomit] And don't forget folks, there's a nifty surprise inside every box of Mrs. Hackenberger's...[notices his mistake for the first time] Heh Heh Heh, UH-OHHH!! [Bobbo turns and glares at Uncle Nutzy as if to say "WHAT Uh-Oh?!?"] Bobbo's been eating...YAPPY'S DOG TREATS!! [a look of horror crosses Bobbo's face, and he runs off to the "little clowns' room."] That's right, Yappy's Dog Treats! Your dog will love that real liver-and-tuna taste... [We hear Bobbo vomiting]... With just a hint of cheese...!
 * You gotta grab life by the lips and YANK as hard as you can.
 * Oh, no. What time is it!? [arm with a watch breaks through the wall, George looks at the watch] Seven THIRTY!?
 * [to Satan] Oh, shut up, you pinhead! You make me SICK!
 * Right now I'd like to show you one of my favorite cartoons. It's a sad, depressing story about a pathetic coyote who spends every waking moment of his life in the futile pursuit of a sadistic roadrunner who MOCKS him and LAUGHS at him as he's repeatedly CRUSHED and MAIMED! [almost tearfully] Hope you ENJOY IT!!!
 * [Message left on Teri's answering machine] Teri! I'm sorry! Come on give me one more chance please! Come on Teri! Teri! Oh Oh I'm in hell! I'M IN HELL!! TERI TERI PICK UP THE PHONE!! PICK UP THE PHONE!! PICK UP THE PHONE!!! OH OH TERI!!!!!! PLE-HE-HE-HE-HEASE!
 * [while sculpting a plate of mashed potatoes] This means something. This is important!
 * WE DID IT! THE STATION'S OURS!!

Stanley Spadowski

 * [Grinning] This is my new mop. My friend George, he gave me this mop. It's a pretty good mop. It's not as good as my old mop, I miss my old mop. But it's still a good mop. Sometimes, you gotta take what life gives you, 'cause life is like a mop. And sometimes, life gets full of dirt and crud and bugs and hairballs and stuff, but you've got to clean it out. You gotta put it in here and rinse it out and start all over again. And sometimes, life sticks to the floor so bad a mop isn't good enough. It's not good enough. You gotta get down here with, like, a toothbrush or something, and really scrub, and if that doesn't work, if that doesn't work...you can't give up. You've got to run a window and yell, "HEY! THESE FLOORS ARE AS DIRTY AS HELL, AND I'M NOT GOING TO TAKE IT ANYMORE!!!"
 * Oh, Joel Miller, you just found the marble in the oatmeal! You're a very, very, very lucky little boy. You know why?  You get to drink from...THE FIRE HOOOOOSE!!!
 * I'm thinkin' of something orange. Something orange. Give up? It's an orange. [laughs] Ok, now I'm thinkin' of something blue. Something bluuuuuue. [singing] DUN-DADA-DUN-DADA-DUN-DADA-DUN-DADA DAA DAAAAA!! [Thugs push him into the closet] Don't you like Bonanza?!
 * MY MOP!!!
 * This is pretty good watermelon...[pauses and considers]...Tastes like poop. I'm gonna eat some Corn Flakes.[grabs box of Corn Flakes] These are pretty good...WHOA!! Free toy inside! Free toy inside!! Let's find it. [rummages his hand in the box] Don't let your mom know that you do this.
 * Watch out, Mr. Coyote... Aww.

R.J. Fletcher

 * This is a business, not a home for irresponsible pus-brains!
 * (The broadcast which gets Channel 8 shut down by the FCC) This community means about as much to me as a festering bowl of dog snot!! You think I CARE about the pea-brained yokels of this town?! If you took their combined I.Q., and multiplied it by a hundred, you might have enough intelligence to tie your shoe, if you didn't drool all over yourself first!! I can't stand those sniveling maggots. They make me want to puke. But, there is one good thing about broadcasting to a town full of mindless sheep. I always know I have them exactly where I want them. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!!!
 * [speaking to the crowd at the telethon] Dear friends, I'm sure that one day you realize that by shutting down this hotbed of subversive activity...

Raul Hernandez

 * Not many people know this, but the turtle is nature's suction cup. [licks the bottom of a turtle, throws it towards the ceiling] Look. It sticks.
 * This is my ant farm. These little guys can lift fifty times their own weight. They also spend weeks digging these intricate little tunnels. And oh yeah, they really hate it when you do this! [Raul picks up the ant farm and shakes it] Oh look! They're really mad now!
 * For those of you just joining us, today we're teaching poodles how to fly.
 * Badgers? Badgers? We don't need no stinking badgers!

Others

 * Crazy Ernie: If nobody comes down here and buys a car in the next hour, I'm gonna club this baby seal! That's right. I'm gonna club this seal to make a better deal. You know I'll do it, too, cause I'm crazy!
 * Richard Fletcher: [sarcastically, after having tripped up Noodles Macintosh] Awwwww, did I do that? Oopsie!
 * Joe Earley: [after cutting off a finger with a table saw] Can you believe this?! Would you look at that! Just call me "Mr. Butterfingers"! I think it's on the floor somewhere. Is my face red.
 * Sy Greenblum: [In the "Spatula City" advertising commercial] Hello, this is Sy Greenblum, president of Spatula City. I like the spatulas so much, I bought the company.
 * Earl Ramsey: Gun control is for wimps and commies. Listen, let's get one thing straight. Guns don't kill people; I do!
 * Teri: George Newman, you are a thoughtless, insensitive CREEP! From now on you can forget all my birthdays, because WE'RE THROUGH!
 * Philo: Hello, my name is Philo and welcome to...[unfolds a piece of paper with the title written on it; recites title with echo effect] Secrets Of The Universe. [folds paper back up] Today we are going to learn how to make plutonium from common household items.
 * Young book customer: [in a preview for "Conan the Librarian"] These books are a little overdue. [Conan slices him in two!!]
 * Gandhi: Give me a steak, medium-rare.
 * Kuni (and other karate experts): SUH-PLIIEES!!
 * Noodles Macintosh: [having just vengefully stuck a foot out and tripped up Richard Fletcher, now throwing Richard Fletcher's sarcasm right back at him] Awwww... did I do that? Oopsie!

Dialogue

 * Bob: How could you do this to me? I knew this was gonna happen.
 * George Newman: You're right, Bob. I'm sorry. What can I say? I-I'm a miserable worthless hunk of slime. Here, I want you to take this crowbar and just bash my head right in. Go ahead. Really. Just BASH my head right in.
 * Bob: George, you know I can't do that. You still owe me 5 bucks.


 * George Newman: Hey, Kuni!
 * Kuni: Hiya, George!
 * George Newman: Beginner's class today, huh?
 * Kuni: Yeah! They're so stupid! [A karate student is thrown out the window, it smashes and he falls to the pavement] STUPID!!!


 * R.J. Fletcher: You idiot! Can't you do anything I tell you to do?! Does this look like a Number 2 pencil?!
 * Richard Fletcher: No... but... I just thought --
 * R.J. Fletcher: You thought?! I don't [snaps pencil in two] pay you to think!
 * Richard Fletcher: But, Dad...
 * R.J. Fletcher: SHUT UP!


 * R.J. Fletcher: Do you see anything missing from this desk?
 * Stanley Spadowski : [Snapping his finger and pointing] That stapler?


 * George Newman: Did you have a good time in there, Stanley?
 * Stanley Spadowski: Yeah yeah. That was FUN.
 * George Newman: Great! How would you like to do that every day?
 * Stanley Spadowski: Yeah! That would be neat - WAIT A minute! Do I...still get to be the janitor?
 * George Newman: [Incredulously] Sure.
 * Stanley Spadowski: It's a DEAL!


 * Announcer: The world watched in amazement as he unlocked the secrets of Al Capone's glove compartment!
 * George: Ah-ha! ROAD MAPS!!


 * One of Fletcher's thugs: [Motioning towards George] Who is this guy?
 * George Newman: [As Stallone's Rambo] I'm your worst nightmare!


 * George Newman: I need a drink.
 * Bob: But you don't drink.
 * George Newman: Yeah, but I've been meaning to start.


 * R.J. Fletcher: You are a worthless human being, Mr., um...
 * Stanley Spadowski: Spadowski, sir. Stanley Spadowski.
 * R.J. Fletcher: [chuckles] Might I call you Stanley?
 * Stanley Spadowski: [chuckles] Okay...
 * R.J. Fletcher: Stanley, YOU'RE FIRED!!
 * Stanley Spadowski: But I-I-I didn't --
 * R.J. Fletcher: GET OUT!!


 * Harvey Bilchik: [lounging in his pool, answering his phone] YYYYO! Hey, Big Louie! So, what's up?
 * Big Louie: Bad news, Mr. Bilchik. None of your horses came in.
 * Harvey Bilchik: Aw, gee, too bad. So, what's the damages?
 * Big Louie: Seventy-five thousand dollars.


 * George Newman: Wait a minute... I think I'm missing something here.
 * R.J. Fletcher: Oh? Didn't I tell you? I own this place now.
 * George Newman: You what?!
 * R.J. Fletcher: What's the matter, kid, you got wax in your ears?
 * George Newman: But, my Uncle Harvey --
 * R.J. Fletcher: Harvey Bilchik is flying in tomorrow night to close the deal!


 * Blind Guy: [Turns Rubik's Cube] Is this it?
 * Bum: Nope!
 * Blind Guy: [Turns Rubik's Cube Again] Is this it?
 * Bum: Nope!


 * George Newman: HEY, KIDS! WHERE DO YOU WANT TO GO?
 * Kids: (Boring) To Uncle Nutzy's Clubhouse!
 * George Newman: THAT'S RIGHT! I'M YOUR UNCLE NUTZY! AND BOY, OH BOY. WE ARE GOING TO HAVE SOME BIG FUN TONIGHT! Oh look and what in our kiddy corner. (To Billy) what's your name?
 * Billy: Uh, Billy.
 * George Newman: Billy what?
 * [Billy spits George Newman]


 * Kuni: Today, One of these lucky contestant wins his or her weight of fish. Right here on......
 * Audience: WHEEL! OF! FISH!
 * Kuni: Okay, Let's play the game! We start with yesterday's winner, Mrs. Phyllis Weaver.


 * Pamela Finklestein: [on phone] Yeah, but... yeah, but... "Broads don't belong in broadcasting?" Is that the kind of professional courtesy you teach your news department?
 * R.J. Fletcher: Why, that's a terrible thing. I don't know how many time I've told those boys, "never call chicks broads."
 * Pamela FInklestein: [incensed] Why, you slimy... ooh! [hangs up]

 [On the game show, "Wheel of Fish", Phyllis Weaver has just spun the wheel and landed on a red snapper]
 * Kuni: Ahhh, a red snapper. Mmmmm, very tasty. Okay, Weaver, listen carefully. You can keep your red snapper...[Hiro-San emerges, carrying a table with a box]...or you can go for what's in the box that Hiro-San is bringing down the aisle right now!!! What's it gonna be? [Phyllis Weaver decides between the Red Snapper and the box. The audience points to the box]
 * Phyllis Weaver: I'll take the box. The box! [the audience applauds]
 * Kuni: You took the box! Let's see what's in the box! [Hiro-san opens the box, and the audience gasps: the box is completely empty!] Nothing! Absolutely nothing! STUPID! You so STU-PIIIIIIIIIIID!


 * Bob: I don't know about this, George. We don't know the first thing about what goes on in a television station.
 * George Newman: Don't worry, Bob. It's just like working in a fish-market. Except you don't have to clean and gut fish all day.

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 * Stanley Spadowski: George, you know I was wondering, like if you were traveling through outer space, I mean like you're going real fast, like the speed of light, you know... hoooohhhhh... and all of a sudden you started screaming... aaaahhhhh aaaaahhhhh... Do you think your brain would blow up?
 * Bob: Guys, I'm trying to work... Do you mind?
 * Stanley Spadowski: I don't mind. Go right ahead. Do you mind, George?

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 * R.J. Fletcher: This is an embarrassment! A disgrace! What do you think R.J. Fletcher Senior would be saying if he were alive today?
 * Richard Fletcher: "Help me out of this box, I can't breathe in here. Help, let me out."

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 * George Newman: Hey, kids. Where y'wanna go? [indifferent silence] That's right. To Uncle Nutzy's Clubhouse. And boy-oh-boy, are we gonna have big fun today. We're gonna have so much fun, we'll forget about how miserable we are, and how much life sucks, and how we're all just gonna grow old and die someday.
 * Little Weasel: I wanna go home!
 * George Newman: Shut up, you little weasel! Okay. Right now I'd like to show you one of my favorite cartoons. It's a sad, depressing story about a pathetic coyote who spends every waking moment of his life in the futile pursuit of a sadistic roadrunner who mocks him and laughs at him as he's repeatedly crushed and maimed! Hope you enjoy it!

<hr width="50%"/> [In a preview for the TV movie "Conan the Librarian"]
 * Timid Man: Can you tell me where I can find a book on astronomy?

[Conan the Librarian lifts the man up with his bare hands]
 * Conan the Librarian: [imitating Arnold Schwarzenegger] Don't you know the Dewey Decimal System?!

<hr width="50%"/> [George and Teri make up]
 * Teri: What do you say, stranger?
 * George Newman: Teri, what are you doing here? I thought you never wanted to see me again.
 * Teri: Well whatever gave you that idea?
 * George Newman: Well, my first clue is when you told me you never wanted to see me again.

<hr width="50%"/> [while watching "Raul's Wild Kingdom"]
 * Bob: Where did you find this guy?
 * George Newman: Me? I thought you hired him.

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 * Teri: George, did you get fired again?
 * George Newman: [banging his head against a counter] YES!!! YES, It's TRUE, IT'S ALL TRUE!! I JUST DON'T KNOW WHAT'S WRONG WITH MEEEEEEE!!!!!! [instantly changes his mood] So, what's for dinner? [takes a look at what's for dinner] Mashed potatoes?! My favorite! Teri, you shouldn't have!

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 * Pamela Finklestein: Yeah, so, can I help you?
 * George Newman: Hi, I'm George Newman. I'm the new station manager.
 * Pamela Finklestein: Ooooh! You know, when I first took this job, they told me that this position was only temporary, and that eventually, when the time was right, I would be moved up to news, which is really my forte. You know how long I've been working here? Two years! It's kind of hard to get promoted when every other week you have a new boss! This job really sucks! [sighs]
 * George Newman: [beat] This is my friend Bob.

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 * Teri: George, when are you going to learn to take things a little more seriously? I mean, you've been wandering aimlessly from job to job ever since I've known you. If you could just get that overactive imagination of yours to work for you instead of against you, maybe you could... [turns around and discovers that George has molded his mashed potatoes into a mountain; she sighs] What are you doing?
 * George Newman: This means something. This is important.

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 * Bob: Well, I've got good news and bad news.
 * George Newman: OK, Let's have the bad news first.
 * Bob: Well, given our current financial status compounded with fixed income and outstanding invoices...I figure this station should be flat broke by the end of this week.
 * George Newman: What's the good news?
 * Bob: I lied. There is no good news.

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 * George Newman: What do you got there, Bob?
 * Bob: The Ratings
 * George Newman: Don't tell me we showed up on the list!
 * Bob: We're Number 1!
 * George Newman: Say What?!?
 * Bob: We beat the networks. This is unbelievable. Look at these notes. We got three shows in the top 5. Stanley Spadowski's Clubhouse went through the roof. Do you know what this means? We're finally going to make some real money. George, We are the number 1 station in town!
 * [They both scream for excitement]
 * Announcer: There's lots of fun coming your way this weekend on U-62. First slam your way to health as you Stay Fit with Mike and Spike! Next, Everybody's favorite: Chef Bernie invites to go Bowling for Burgers! Sunday, Be a part of the excitement as we premiere our dazzling new game show, Strip Solitaire! And then, Join us for hilarious fun on The All New Practical Jokes and Bloopers! And you won't want to miss Celebrity Mud Wrestling with special guest: McCall Contraband! It's a whole new weekend on U-62, The reason television was invented!
 * Stanley Spadowski: Be there! [chuckles]

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 * Stanley Spadowski: George? What's wrong, George?
 * George Newman: Stanley, you don't want to know.
 * Stanley Spadowski: [Looking genuinely puzzled] Why'd I ask? [Back to George] Is there anything I can do to help?
 * George Newman: Not unless you've got seventy-five thousand dollars on you.
 * Stanley Spadowski: [While searching carefully through a few crumpled pieces of currency] No, sorry.

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 * Bum: Hey, Mister!
 * George Newman: Not now, okay?
 * Bum: Well, I was just wondering if it was too late to buy any of them shares. [produces a large wad of money] I'll take whatever you got left!
 * George Newman: [amazed] How much is that?
 * Bum: Two thousand dollars, heh heh heh! Keep your change!

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 * R.J. Fletcher: Hey, what's going on here?
 * Harvey Bilchik: [preparing to sign a document George has produced] Heh heh heh!
 * R.J. Fletcher: Now wait just a minute! What do you think you're doing?
 * George Newman: [triumphantly showing the document Harvey Bilchik has just signed to the crowd] We did it! The station's ours!

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 * R.J. Fletcher: You can't do this! We had an agreement, remember?! An oral contract! I'll sue!
 * Harvey Bilchik: Aw, blow it out your ear, scuzzbag!

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 * R.J. Fletcher: [laughing smugly with a present in hand] Aw, Richard. You shouldn't have.
 * Richard Fletcher: Happy Fathers Day, Daaaad.
 * R.J. Fletcher: [looks in the box, throws the present back at his son] What is this piece of crap?! I thought I told you I wanted a Rolex! A Rolex! [a knock on R.J.'s office door] What?!
 * [A station employee opens the door cautiously and sheepishly, wearing a large white cowboy hat with a big feather band and a raccoon tail.]
 * Station Employee: Sir?
 * R.J. Fletcher: What do you want?
 * Station Employee: I just thought I ought to tell you sir, that there's been a lot of talk on the street about this Channel 62. They're... they're starting to get a pretty strong following.
 * R.J. Fletcher: Excuse me? Did you say Channel 62?
 * Station Employee: Uh huh...
 * R.J. Fletcher: Do I have to remind you, that we are a network affiliate? And we are in competition with other networks, not with a bunch of punks, broadcasting out of a closet!
 * Station Employee: But, s..s..s..
 * R.J. Fletcher: Do you enjoy wasting my time? Get out of my office! [employee starts to leave] And take that ridiculous thing off!
 * [The station employee stops, waits a minute, then takes off...his mustache and leaves!]

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 * John Vector: R.J. Fletcher?
 * R.J. Fletcher: So what if I am?
 * John Vector: I'm John Vector, FCC. I've noticed your station is late in filing its license renewal this year. Now normally this kind of violation is punishable by a stiff fine. But I've been watching you lately, you made a big impression on me! Yeah, I am revoking your license. Effective immediately, you're off the air!

Taglines

 * TV as it was meant to be seen. In a movie theater.
 * A lot of TV stations have forgotten what "quality" means. But not Channel 62. They NEVER knew what it meant.
 * It's crazy. It's zany. It's hysterical. It's TV according to "Weird Al" Yankovic.