User:JoeAct

Why Are We Here? [ Episode 1 ]
Camera pans up to reveal Grif and Simmons standing on the red base

Simmons: Hey.

Grif: Yeah?

Simmons: You ever wonder why we're here?

Grif: It's one of life's great mysteries, isn't it. Why are we here? I mean, are we the product of... some cosmic coincidence or, is there really a God... watching everything? You know, with a plan for us and stuff. I don't know man, but it keeps me up at night.

Simmons: ...

Grif: ...

Simmons: What? I meant why are we out here, in this canyon?

Grif: Oh, uh... yeah.

Simmons: What was all that stuff about God?

Grif: Uh... hm? Nothing.

Simmons: You wanna talk about it?

Grif: No

Simmons: You sure?

Grif: Yeah.

Simmons: Seriously though, why are we out here? Far as I can tell, it's just a box canyon in the middle of nowhere, with no way in or out.

Grif: Mhm.

Simmons: And the only reason that we set up a red base here, is because they have a blue base over there. And the only reason they have a blue base over there is because we have a red base here.

Grif: Yeah, that's because we're fighting each other.

Simmons: No no, but I mean, even if we were to pull out today, and they were to come take our base, they would have two bases in the middle of a box canyon. Whoop de fucking do!

Grif: What's up with that anyway? I mean, I signed on to fight some aliens. Next thing I know Master Chief blows up the whole Covenant armada, and I'm stuck in the middle of nowhere, fighting a bunch of blue guys.

Church is looking through a sniper rifle at the red base, and Tucker is with him

Tucker: What're they doing?

Church: What?

Tucker: I said what're they doing now?

Church: God damn, I'm getting so sick of answering that question!

Tucker: Hey you have the fucking rifle, I can't see shit. Don't bitch at me because I'm not going to just sit up here and play with my dick all day.

Church: Okay, okay look: They're just standing there, and talking, okay? That's all they're doing. That's all they ever do, is just stand there and talk. That's what they were doing last week, that's what they were doing when you asked me five minutes ago. So five minutes from now, when you ask me "What're they doing?" my answer's gonna be "They're still just talking, and they're still just standing there!"

Tucker: ... What're they talking about?

Church: You know what? I fucking hate you.

Grif and Simmons at the red base

Grif: Talk about a waste of resources. I mean, we should be out there finding new and intelligent forms of life. You know, fight them.

Simmons: Yeah, no shit. That's why they should put us in charge.

Sarge is standing on the ground, looking up at them

Sarge: Ladies! Front and center, on the double!

Simmons: Fuck, me.

Grif : Yes sir !

Red Gets a Delivery [ Episode 2 ]
Grif and Simmons run up in front of Sarge, and stand there

Sarge: Hurry up ladies, this ain't no ice cream social!

Simmons: Ice cream social?

Sarge: Stop the pillow-talk you two. Anyone want to guess, why I gathered you here, today?

Grif: Um, is it because the war's over and you're sending us home?

Sarge: That's exactly it, private. War's over. We won. Turns out you're the big hero, and we're gonna hold a parade in your honor. I get to drive the float, and Simmons here, is in charge of confetti!

Grif: I'm no stranger to sarcasm, sir.

Sarge: God dammit private, shut your mouth or else I'll have Simmons slit your throat while you're asleep!

Simmons: Oh, I'd do it too.

Sarge: I know you would Simmons... good man. Couple of things today, ladies: Command has seen fit to increase our ranks here at Blood Gulch Outpost Number 1.

Grif: Crap, we're getting a rookie.

Sarge: That's right dead man. Our new recruit will be here within the week. But today, we received the first part of our shipment from Command. Lopez... bring up the vehicle.

A jeep emerges from the hill behind Sarge

Simmons: Shotgun!

Grif: Shotgun! Fuck!

Sarge: May I introduce, our new light reconnaissance vehicle. It has four inch armor plating, maaag buffer suspension, a mounted machine gunner position, and total seating for three. Gentlemen, this is the M12-LRV! I like to call it the Warthog.

Simmons: Why 'Warthog' sir?

Sarge: Because M12-LRV is too hard to say in conversation, son.

Grif: No, but... why 'Warthog'? I mean, it doesn't really look like a pig...

Sarge: Say that again?

Grif: I think it looks more like a puma.

Sarge: What in sam hell is a puma?

Simmons: Uh... you mean like the shoe company? Grif: No, like a puma. It's a big cat. Like a lion.

Sarge: You're making that up.

Grif: I'm telling you, it's a real animal!

Sarge: Simmons, I want you to poison Grif's next meal.

Simmons: Yes sir!

Sarge: Look, see these two tow hooks? They look like tusks. And what kind of animal has tusks?

Grif: A walrus.

Sarge: Didn't I just tell you to stop making up animals?

Church is looking at the red team through the sniper rifle, and Tucker is with him

Tucker: What is that thing?

Church: I don't know, but it looks like uh... looks like they got some kinda car down there. We'd better get back to base and report it.

Tucker: A car? How come they get a car?

Church: What are you complaining about man? We're about to get a tank in the very next drop.

Tucker: You can't pick up chicks in a tank.

Church: Oh, you know what, you could bitch about anything, couldn't you. We're gonna get a tank, and you're worried about chicks. What chicks are we gonna pick up man!? Firay, and secondly, how are we gonna pick up chicks in a car that looks like that?

Tucker: Well what kind of car is it?

Church: I don't know, I've never seen a car that looks like that before, it looks like a uh... like a big cat of some kind.

Tucker: ... ... what, like a puma?

Church: Yeah man, there ya go.

Back to the reds

Sarge: So unless anybody else has any more mythical creatures to suggest as a name for the new vehicle, we're gonna stick with 'the Warthog'. How about it Grif?

Grif: No sir, no more suggestions.

Sarge: Are you sure? How 'bout Bigfoot?

Grif: That's okay.

Sarge: Unicorn?

Grif: No really, I'm... I'm cool.

Sarge: Sasquatch?

Simmons: Leprechaun?

Grif: Hey, he doesn't need any help man...

Sarge: Phoenix!

Grif: Huh... Christ.

Sarge: Hey Simmons, what's the name of that Mexican lizard, eats all the goats?

Simmons: Uh, that would be the Chupacabra, sir!

Sarge: Hey Grif! Chupathingie, how 'bout that? I like it! Got a ring to it...

The Rookies [ Episode 3 ]
Simmons and Grif at the red base. A soldier in red armor is walking up the ramp behind them

Simmons: Hey that's not exactly what happened.

Grif: Yes it is. You said "I'm not going to the Vegas Quadrant," and then the next thing I know you're in an escape pod headed for-

Soldier in Red Armor: Excuse me uh, sirs.

Simmons: Sirs?

Grif: Ah crap.

Red Armor: I was told to report to Blood Gulch Outpost Number One and speak to whoever's in charge?

Grif: Sorry man, Sarge is at Command getting orders. Ain't nobody in charge today.

Simmons: Actually private, he left me in charge while he's gone.

Grif: You are such a kiss-ass.

Simmons: Also, he told me if I had any trouble from you I should... (clears throat) "Git in the Warthog, 'nd crush yer head like a tomato-can."

Grif: That's the worst impression I've ever heard.

Simmons: Okay rookie, what's your story?

Red Armor: Private Donut reporting for duty, sir. I'm ready to fight some aliens.

Grif: Couple things here, rookie. First off, private Donut? I think somebody needs a new nickname. Secondly, what's with the armor color?

Donut: This is the standard issue red.

Grif: Yeah, I know. Listen. Only two kinds of people wear standard issue armor: officers and recruits. And since you're not threatening to gut me like a fish, you're probably not an officer.

Donut: Well, he's wearing red armor...

Simmons: No, my armor is maroon. Your armor is red.

Donut: Well how do I get a different color armor?

Simmons: I bet the blues don't have to put up with this kind of crap.

Church, Tucker, and a soldier in blue armor are looking at a tank

Soldier in Blue Armor: So I say to the guy, "how're you gonna get the tank down to the planet?" And he goes, "I'll just put it on the ship" and I go, "if you've got a ship that can carry a tank, why not just put guns on the ship and use it instead?"

Tucker: Hey kid.

Blue Armor: Yeah?

Tucker: You're ruining the moment. Shut up.

Blue Armor: Oh. Okay. You got it man!

Church: You know what? I could blow up the whole God damn world with this thing.

Back to the red base

Simmons: Okay, Private Donut, here's the deal.

Grif: I just refuse to call him Private Donut!

Simmons: We've got a very important mission for you. You think you can handle it?

Donut: Absolutely!

Simmons: We need you to go to the store, and get two quarts of Elbow Grease.

Grif: Yeah and um, pick up some Headlight Fluid for the Puma too.

Donut: The what?

Simmons: He means the Warthog.

Grif: You do know where the store is, right rookie?

Donut: What? Yeah, yeah, of course I do. Sure, no problem.

Simmons: Well, get going then.

Donut starts running across the base

Grif: Other way.

Donut turns around and goes the other way

Donut: I knew that. Just, got turned around, that's all.

Grif and Simmons watch Donut running off in to the Gulch

Simmons: How long do you think until he figures out there's no store?

Grif: I say, at least a week.

Donut running through the Gulch, stops and turns to talk to himself

Donut: Elbow Grease, how stupid do they think I am? Once I get back to base with that Headlight Fluid, I'm gonna talk to the Sargeant.

Back to the blue base

Tucker: You know what? Forget what I said before. We can definitely pick up chicks in this thing. Probably two or three chicks a piece.

Church: Oh man, listen to you. What're you gonna do with two chicks?

Tucker: Church, women are like Voltron. The more you can hook up, the better it gets.

Back to Grif and Simmons at the red base

Simmons: You think that we were too mean to the kid?

Grif: Nah, he'll just wander around on the cliffs for a few hours. What's the worst that could happen?

Donut is approaching the blue base

Donut: Finally, there it is. OH SWEET, THEY SELL TANKS!

Head BNF in Charge [ Episode 4 ]
Church, Tucker, and the soldier in blue armor are standing next to the tank, outside the base

Church: Yeah I'll let you in on a little secret, I've uh... I've actually got a girl back home.

Tucker: Oh yeah? Girlfriend or wife?

Church: No, man, she's just my girlfriend, ya know? We were gonna get married, but I got shipped out, and... ah, you know how it works.

Tucker: Oh, well, you gonna marry her when you get back?

Soldier in Blue Armor: I'm not gonna get married. My dad always said "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?"

Church: Hey rookie... did you just call my girlfriend a cow?

Tucker: No, I think he called her a slut!

Church: I'll tell you what newb, I could sit out here and listen to you insult my girlfriend all day long, but as it turns out, I got a lot more important job for you to do.

Rookie: Great.

Church: See, we've got this General.

Tucker: Right, the General guy.

Church: ...who likes to come by and make random inspections of bases. So what I'm gonna have you do, is I'm gonna have you go in the base, and stand right next to the flag at attention, just in case he decides to come by.

Rookie: When is he coming by?

Tucker: We never know. Could be today, could be a week from now.

Rookie: You want me to stand at attention for a week?

Church: You know, you don't sound very grateful. This is the most important job at the whole base. You're gonna be right there with the flag.

Rookie: What's so important about the flag?

Church: Oh, come on, don't they teach you guys anything in training?

Rookie: They didn't tell us anything about a flag. Why is it so important?

Church: Because it's the flag, man, you know, it's the f... it's the flag, it's... Tucker, you tell him why the flag is so important.

Tucker: Well, it's... it's complicated. Wuh... It's blue, we're blue

Church: It's just important, okay, trust us. So when the General comes by, the first thing he's gonna want to do is inspect the flag.

Tucker: Right.

Church: So just go in there, you know, far away from us, and wait for him.

Rookie turns and heads for the base, stops half way and turns around

Rookie: Uh how will I know when I see him?

Tucker: There's only three of us out here, rookie. He's gonna be the guy that doesn't look like one of us.

Church: Now get in there, and don't come out! (turns to Tucker) Man, that guy is dumber than you are.

Tucker: You mean he's dumber than you are.

Church: Wow, Tucker, that was a great come-back.

Rookie emerges from the base, with Church and Tucker in the distance

Rookie: Uh, mister Church? Sir?

Church: Oh my God, WHAT!? Tucker, I swear, I'm gonna kill him!

Rookie: Sorry about calling your girl a slut...

Church: ROOKIE! SHUT UP! JUST SHUT UP, YOU'RE DRIVING ME CRAZY, GET IN THERE!

Tucker: (turns around) Uh-huh huh huh huh

Church: (turns around to face Tucker's back) Tucker, are you laughing at me?

Donut steps up behind Church

Donut: Excuse me, sir, can I ask you a question?

Church: Dear God in Heaven, rookie, if I turn around, and you are not inside, I... I can't be held responsible for what I'm gonna do to you!

Donut: What did I do?

Church: One...

Donut: Aw, gimme a break.

Church: TWO!

Donut: Fine.

Donut runs in the base with the blue Rookie

Rookie: Wow... you got here fast.

Donut: Why is everyone so freakin' rude in this canyon.

Rookie: I'm not sir, what can I do for you?

Donut: Finally, someone with a little respect around here.

Rookie: Yes Sir! I assume you're here because of this... (turns toward the flag)

Donut: Wait, is this all you have?

Rookie: Uh, yes sir, that's it!

Donut: Aw man, this figures. Shit. What about Elbow Grease?

Rookie: Uhhmmmm...

Donut: Headlight Fluid?

Rookie: No, all we have is this flag.

Donut: Well, I can't go back empty handed... I guess I'll take that.

Rookie: Sure... that makes sense. I guess.

Donut: (leaving with the flag) Man, they're gonna give me so much shit for coming back with just this stupid flag.

Cut to Church and Tucker out by the tank

Church: Well, enough gabbing out of us, let's take this bad boy out for a spin. Go ahead and hop in, Tucker.

Tucker: Me? I can't drive that thing.

Church: You're telling me you're not Armor Certified?

Tucker: I ca- I don't even know how to use the fucking sniper rifle. Don't you know how to drive that?

Church: No! Holy Crap! WHO IS RUNNING THIS ARMY!?

Rookie: (emerging from the base) Hey! Just wanted to let you know, the General stopped by, and picked up the flag!

Church: Yeah. Okay. Whatever moron! Why would they give us a tank, if nobody here knows how to drive the damn thing? ...wait a second... what did he just say?

The Package is In the Open [ Episode 5 ]
Church, Tucker, and the Rookie are standing on the blue base

Church: Let me get this straight... you gave this guy our flag.

Rookie: Is that bad?

Church: Bad? Oh no, that's not bad. Next time he comes over, why don't you just help him blow up the whole God damn base?

Tucker: There, there he is.

Church raises the sniper rifle and looks at Donut with the flag

Church: Where... oh, yeah, oh, I got him. He's sneaking around back behind the cliffs.

Tucker: He must be one smart son of a bitch.

Scene cut to Donut with the flag, in the Gulch

Donut: Oh, man, I am so freakin' lost. Where the hell is the base?

Back to the blue base

Church: Oh, shit... Hey Tucker, look at his armor. It's Red.

Tucker: Oh man, that means it's their Sargeant.

Church: Well, that makes sense. At least now we know how he got by our defences.

Rookie: Uh you know, he came in the back door where you guys were standing.

Tucker: Yeah, okay, well let's take him out then.

Church: Roger that. Okay, say goodnight Sarge.

Church takes four shots, all of which miss to the left

Cut to Donut

Donut: Son of a bitch!

Back to the blue base

Church: Aw crap.

Tucker: ...

Church: ...what?

Tucker: You're really not very good with that thing, are you.

Back to Donut

Donut: Hey! It's me! Don't shoot! I'm the guy that bought the flag, remember!?

Back to the blue base

Tucker: Oh great, now he's taunting us. That's just embarassing.

Church: Alright, that's it, I've had it. Rookie, you stay here. Me and Tucker, we'll head through the teleporter, we'll cut him off at the pass.

Rookie: Right!

Church: Tucker, you ready? Let's go.

Tucker: There is no way I'm going through that thing.

Church: Tucker, we don't have time for this. Why would they give us a teleporter if it doesn't work?

Tucker: I don't know, why would they give us a tank that noone can drive?

Church: We already tested the teleporter, remember?

Tucker: We threw rocks through it!

Church: Yeah, and, so what? The rocks came out the other side, didn't they?

Tucker: Yeah, but they were all hot, and covered with black stuff.

Church: Oh, so I guess that's what this is all about then, you're afraid of a little black stuff.

Tucker: Yes. I am. I am afraid of black stuff.

Church: Tucker, I almost hate to do this to you. (raising his gun to Tucker)

Tucker: You wouldn't...

Church: You know, I look at it this way: either A, we go through there, and get the flag back, or B, we stay here, and I get to kill you. Either way, I win.

Tucker: For the record, I want you to know, rocks aren't people.

Church: Duly noted. Now get in there.

Tucker: Crap... Alright. One, two...

Tucker runs in to the teleporter, camera races across to the other side, then cut back to Church and the Rookie at the base for a couple seconds, back to the Gulch for a couple seconds, back to the base for a couple seconds, back to the Gulch for a couple seconds, back to the base

Rookie: ... Huh, he didn't come out the other side...

Church:  Yeeeaaaahhhhh, I've uh, I've decided I'm not gonna use the teleporter.

Church jumps off the base and starts running

Church: Okay, Rookie, you stay here! I'll be back with the flag!

Cut to Grif and Simmons on the red base, Grif looking through the sniper rifle

Simmons: I still have no idea what you're talking about. I didn't hear any shots.

Grif: *sigh


 * I'm telling you, it was four shots. Like bam, bam, bam.

Simmons: Wait a second, that's only three bams.

Grif: Bam. (sees Donut with the flag) Wait a second, we've got a blue guy on the move out there.

Simmons: Where's he headed?

Grif: Oh crap... It... it's Donut. And he's got something... (zooms in, sees it's the flag) It looks like...  Simmons, get the Warthog.

Simmons: Heh, you mean the Puma?

Grif: Yeah, keep making jokes. That'll win the war.

1.21 Giga-Whats [ Episode 6 ]
Grif is looking through the sniper rifle, next to Simmons, at Donut with the blue flag

Grif: Oh crap... It... it's Donut. And he's got something... (zooms in, sees it's the flag) It looks like...  Simmons, get the Warthog.

Simmons: Heh, you mean the Puma?

Cut to Church running up to Donut, weapon drawn

Church: Freeze!

Donut: Hey, why the hell are you shooting at me? You coulda hit me, dick!

Church: Can it. Don't try to play stupid with me, Sarge I know who ya are We've been spying on you for three weeks now.

Donut: I just got here two hours ago. And I'm not a Sargeant, I'm a Private.

Church: Wait a minute you're not the Sargeant!

Donut: Yeah, that's what I just said.

Church: Well then how the hell did you manage to steal our flag?

Donut: Steal? I have no idea what the hell you're talking about!

Tucker emerges between them, through the transporter, his armor covered in black stuff

Tucker: THREE!

Church: JESUS!

Donut: HOLY SHIT! Who is this guy?

Church: What in the hell!? Tucker? Is that you?

Tucker: How did you get up here ahead of me?

Donut: And what's with that black shit on your armor?

Tucker: Hey. Freeze Sarge!

Donut: Would you stop calling me a Sargeant, I'm still just a Private.

Tucker: The Sarge is still a Private? Oh. My. God. The teleporter sent me back in time.

Cut to Grif and Simmons getting in the jeep, with upbeat polka-ish music playing

Grif: Sorry Lopez, we need the jeep.

Simmons: I'll take gunner... (takes gunner) ...let's roll. (they drive off) Don't worry Lopez, I'll bring her back in one piece.

Grif: How do you turn off the fucking radio in this car?

Back to Tucker, Church, and Donut

Tucker: Look, I know you don't know me, but you have to believe what I'm about to tell you. Some time in your future I get stationed here in Blood Gulch, and we meet. And this guy here, he gets promoted to Sargeant of the Red Army, and we spy on them. And they get this new jeep, and I'm like "There is no way you can pick up chicks in a tank!"

Church: Tucker? What the fuck are you babbling about?

Tucker: I know all this sounds crazy, but he eventually becomes a Sargeant, and then one day we get a tank, and he comes and steals a flag while we're distracted.

Donut: Is this guy a retard?

Church: (jeep's music gets progressively louder during this speech) Red? Shut up. Tucker? Listen to me. Ya haven't gone back in time, okay? This is the guy who stole the flag, he's just not the Sargeant. Turns out, he's just some dumb rookie, who happens to have the same color armor as him. He got in somehow, just g... for God's sakes, WHAT IS THAT MUSIC!?

Warthog jumps over the hill barely missing Church

Grif: Woohoo!

Tucker: Holy shit!

Church: Son of a bitch! Run! Jesus! Run!

Tucker: The jeep followed me back in time!

Grif hops out of the Warthog and starts firing at Church and Tucker as they run away. Simmons is yelling and firing at them. What he yells throughout Grif's and Donut's conversation is underneath it

Church: Ah! Git! The ah! Eeh!

Grif: What the hell is going on here?

Donut: You know what, I honestly have no idea what's going on. I think everyone in this canyon is absolutely insane.

Grif: How did you get their flag?

Donut: I don't know, I just asked for it.

Grif: Wait, that worked?

Donut: I guess. Is it not supposed to?

Grif: I don't know, we, we never even thought to try that. Just take the flag to the base, I'll explain there.

Donut: Not until someone tells me what the fuck is goi-

Grif: There's no time to explain, rookie! Just take the flag, and go to base! I'll explain everything there.

Donut: Fine...!

Donut starts running through the Gulch

Grif: Hungh, back to our base, dumbass!

Donut: Uh, I know, I just got turned around, that's all.

Simmons: That's right! That's right, I got your ass! Get off your ass and run, you cock bites! Right now! Yeah, not so pretty when you gotta run are you! Yeah, that's right. Stay there. You know where you flag is? We're gonna get you! Come on! Don't be a wimp! Come on, blue! Come on, get out there! I've got a whole barrel of love to shoot you with! Come on! Get out now! Yeah, come on out! I know you like this! Come out where I can get you! Come on! Don't be a wimp! Come on, blue! Be tough, get out there!

Cut to the Rookie looking at Church and Tucker through the sniper rifle

Rookie: Oh man, that's not good. (pans the rifle to the jeep) Oh my God that jeep has a really big gun.

The Rookie puts down the sniper rifle

Rookie: Stay here... Tank... Stay here... Tank... Ah, screw it. (runs off to the tank)

Cut to Church and Tucker behind the rock. Simmons is still firing and yelling at them. What he says is below Church's line

Church: Well, we'll just wait here. That thing's gotta run outta bullets some time...

Simmons: Yeah, get going, take that! I know you like that there, come out! Come here! Poke your head up! Come on blue! Get your head out there!

Check Out the Treads on That Chick [ Episode 7 ]
The Rookie is looking through the sniper rifle at Simmons in the back of the Warthog, firing at Church and Tucker

Rookie: Oh my God that jeep has a really big gun.

The Rookie puts down the sniper rifle

Rookie: Stay here... Tank... Stay here... Tank... Ah, screw it. (runs off to the tank)

Title Screen

Church and Tucker behind a rock, bullets hitting the canyon wall behind them

Church: My God, doesn't that thing ever run out of bullets?

Tucker: You know, in hindsight, we should have brought the tank.

Church: Hey, Tucker, what good is a tank gonna do us if nobody here knows how to drive it?

Tucker: Yeah, I can see how hiding behind a rock is a much better strategy.

Church: Well, yeah, but... oh man, I guess I gotta give that one to ya.

Cut to the Rookie hopping in the tank. Tank canopy closes, tank turns on

Tank: Hello, and thank you for activating the M808B Main Battle Tank. You may call me Sheila.

Rookie: Hello. Sheila. Big tank lady.

Sheila: Would you like me to run the tutorial program?

Rookie: Oh, that'd be very nice. Thank you.

Sheila: Tutorial program activated. This program is intended to instruct non-certified personnel in the use of the Scorpion class tank. Let's begin with some driving.

Rookie: Okay.

Cut to Simmons firing the jeep's gun, and Grif on the ground behind him

Grif: Simmons. SIMMONS!

Simmons stops firing, steps down

Grif: Man, that thing is loud.

Simmons: WHAT?

Tank rolls by in the background

Grif: Come on, let's sneak around the back of the rock and get 'em out.

Simmons: OKAY.

Grif: Keep it down! Jesus. Let's go, before they figure out what's going on.

Cut to the Rookie having Sheila stranded on a tall rock, turning, trying to get off of it

Sheila: Now that you've mastered driving the M808Z, let's move on to some of the safety features.

Rookie: No, no, wait, go back! (unstrands the tank) Why are there six pedals if there are only four directions?

Cut to Church peeking out from the side of the rock, Tucker standing behind it

Church: (whispering) Psst, hey, they stopped firing.

Tucker: Why are you whispering?

Church: (whispering) Uhm... I don't know.

Cut to Simmons and Grif standing at the foot of a cliff

Grif: Aw, crap, I don't think we're gonna be able to get around this way.

Simmons: Tell me again, uh, why did we get out of the jeep?

Tank rolls up right behind them

Grif: Well, I guess it was this or sit there and watch you shoot rocks all day long.

Tank's turret looks at Grif, then at Simmons

Simmons: Well at least that was fun.

Grif and Simmons both turn at once to see the tank

Grif: Hoolyy crap. What in God's name is that thing?

Cut to Church and Tucker, looking at the vacant jeep

Church: Tucker, don't be stupid. They're just trying to draw us out.

Tucker: No they're not, look: they left the jeep. They're gone.

Church: Well, I don't know about this. It seems pretty fishy, but... alright screw it, let's go get it.

Cut to the view from inside the tank, turret slowly homing in on Grif's head

Grif: Dude hold still. I don't think it sees us.

Tank gets tone on Grif's head

Narrator: The unthinkable! Someone. Will. Die!

Sarge: ... I sure hope it's Grif.

Don't Ph34r the Reaper [ Episode 8 ]
Sheila's turret pointed at Grif, then it turns to face Simmons

Grif: Why is it just sitting there?

Simmons: Just trying to mess with our heads. Let's get back to the Warthog.

Cut to the view from the tank

Sheila: This tank is equipped with an auto-fire sequence, that can be activated by pressing the auto-fire button.

Rookie: Auto-fire, auto-fire, here, here! No, wait... okay that's more a switch than a button...

Sheila: (over top of the Rookie's lines) This will end the tutorial, and should only be activated if proper safety procedures...

Cut to Simmons and Grif

Simmons: Okay, you ready? Let's do this on three. One...

Grif: Wait. On three? Or three and then go?

Simmons: On three. It's always faster to go on three.

Grif: Okay, okay. On three.

Cut to the view from the tank

Rookie: Here!

Sheila: Tutorial deactivated. Auto-fire sequence activated.

Cut to Simmons

Simmons: Ready?

Cut to the view from the tank

Sheila: Acquiring target.

Cut to Church and Tucker

Church: I'm going for the jeep. Cover me.

Cut to Simmons and Grif. Grif is backing away

Simmons: One...

Grif turns around and starts running away

Cut to view from the tank, tracking Grif

Sheila: Target acquired.

Cut to Grif running

Grif: Oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit...

Cut to Simmons

Simmons: Two...

Cut to view from the tank, locking on to Grif's back

Sheila: Target locked.

Cut to Church running toward the Warthog, breathing like he's giving birth

Cut to Simmons

Simmons: Three! (turns around, sees Grif running) Oh, you back-stabbing cock bite!

Sheila: Firing main cannon.

Tank fires, blows up the Warthog right in front of Grif

Simmons: (next to tank) Son of a bitch!

Grif: (next to jeep) SON OF A BITCH!

Church: (near jeep) Son of a bitch!

Sheila: Firing main cannon. (fires)

Simmons: Shit!

Sheila: Firing main cannon. (fires)

Simmons: Dammit!

Sheila: Firing main cannon. (fires)

Cut to Church running back up to meet Tucker

Tucker: Hey dude, the jeep blew up.

Church: No kidding. Thanks for the update, Tucker.

Cut to Grif and Simmons hiding out behind a rock

Sheila: Firing main cannon. (fires, hits the rock)

Simmons: Hey, I have a great idea. Let's get out of the jeep, and sneak around the back of the rock.

Sheila: Firing main cannon. (fires, hits the rock)

Simmons: Great plan you idiot!

Cut to view from the tank, scanning the rock

Sheila: All targets eliminated. Acquiring new target.

Turret starts panning up and to the left

Cut to Church and Tucker, Church standing in the open looking down at the tank

Church: Hey Tucker, look at this, man: it's the rookie! And he brought tank out to scare off the reds.

Tucker: What? No way!

Church: Hey rookie, good job man! Why didn't you tell us you knew how to drive the tank?

Sheila: New target acquired. (spinning turret around at Church)

Cut to view from the tank, slowly panning up the cliffside at Church

Rookie: That's not a target. That's Church.

Church: Yeah, that's right, it's me, Church! What's going on, man!

Sheila: (locking on to Church) Target locked.

Cut to the Rookie in the driver's seat of the tank

Rookie: What? No. Target unlock. Unlock! Please help me nice lady.

Sheila: Firing main cannon.

Rookie: Uh oh...

Tucker: Uh oh...

Church: What? Oh, son of a bi-

Tank fires, hits Church, throws him sprawling, high up in the air. Church lands back on the ledge again

Tucker: Holy fuck! Church, are you okay? Talk to me, Church! You shot Church, you team-killing fucktard!

Sheila: Auto-fire sequence deactivated.

Church: (dying) Tucker! ...Tucker!

Tucker: Church! It's going to be okay, man.

Church: No. Ah... I'm na, I'm not gonna make it. Tucker, there's something I need to tell you.

Tucker: What is it?

Church: I just want you to know, I always hated you. I always hated you the most.

Tucker: Yeah, I know you did. Now hurry up and die, you prick.

Church: Okay. Hierh! Blueah.

After Church [ Episode 9 ]
Simmons and Grif run up the ramp in to the red base, where Donut is waiting with the flag

Donut: What happened?

Grif: Big... Tank... Shooting... Whooooh!

Simmons: Damn, man, we only ran like three hundred feet. You are really out of shape.

Grif: Fuck... You...

Donut: Where's your car?

Simmons: General Patton here had a great strategy to leave it behind.

Grif: Hey, it would have worked if that tank hadn't shown up.

Donut: You lost the jeep? Oh man, Lopez is gonna be pissed. Where is it?

Explosion, the jeep flies up on the base from below, landing between Donut and the other two

Grif: What the hell?

Another explosion

Grif: Son of a bitch!

Donut: Holy crap! What the hell is that thing?

Grif: That's the tank!

Tank continues firing

Donut: Hey uh, Grif uh, you wanna hold the flag for a little bit?

Grif: No, keep that away from me!

Cut to Tucker and the Rookie in the tank

Tucker: Why do you keep firing at the jeep?

Rookie: Because it's locked on!

Sheila: Target locked.

Tucker: Well unlock it.

Rookie: Last time I unlocked it, I KILLED CHURCH!

Tucker: Oh, right... keep shooting the jeep then.

Back to the red base

Donut: I hate to be the one to point this out guys, but I think we're screwed.

Explosion

Simmons: Yeah. I have to agree with the rookie on this one.

Radio sounds

Sarge: (on radio, from plane) Blood Gulch Outpost Number One. Come in, Blood Gulch Outpost, come in. Do you read me? This is Sargeant-

Grif: Oh my God, Sarge, is that you?

Sarge: Roger that, Private. I am currently in-bound to your position from Command.

Simmons: Sir, this is Simmons.

Sarge: Hello Simmons. I hope everything's gone alright while I've been gone.

Grif: Actually sir, things are kind of hectic right now. The new rookie arrived, and somehow he managed to infiltrate the blue base, and now we have their flag, the Warthog is damaged, one of their guys is dead, and there's this huge fucking tank about to destroy our base.

Sarge: (radio sounds) ... (more radio sounds) ... Am I talkin' to the right base?

Grif: Sarge, we, are going, to die here.

Sarge: Well then hold tight boys. I think I gotta solution to your little 'tank' problem.

Cut to Tucker

Tucker: Uh oh.

Plane flies over red base, cut back to Tucker

Tucker: Hey Caboose, you might wanna get out of the tank. Like right now.

Caboose: I can't figure out how to get this thing open!

Sheila: Night vision engaged.

Tucker: Rookie, get out now.

Shells exploding progressively nearer to the tank

Caboose: Okay, open the duh, okay, I, Sheila, will you please open the door?

Sheila: Driver canopy open. (Caboose gets out and runs off the tank) Thank you for using the M808B main battle ta-

Shell hits the tank, blowing it on its roof backwards

Caboose: Oh crap, oh crap, oh crap running, running, running. (reaches Tucker) Man, that was close.

Tucker: Look at your tank though.

Sheila: I'm scared Dave. Will I dream? Daisy... Daaaaiisyyyyyy...

Caboose: Sheeeeiilaaaaa! Noooooo!

Tucker: What? No! Sheila! Sheila! Wait... who's Sheila?

Caboose: Sheila's the lady in the tank. She was my friend...

Tucker: Oh, dude! I knew you could pick up chicks in a tank!

A Shadow of His Former Self [ Episode 10 ]
Tucker in front of Caboose, in front of the blue base

Tucker: (on radio) Come in Blue Command. This is Blood Gulch Outpost Alpha. Do you read me?

Caboose: Okay, that is the last of it, your armor is clean now.

Tucker: Did you get all the black stuff off?

Blue Command: This is Blue Command, come in Blood Gulch Outpost Alpha.

Tucker: Hello! Command! We need help.

Blue Command: Roger that, Blood Gulch, what is your request?

Tucker: I don't know what the technical military term is for it, but uh, we're pretty fucked up down here. We need men!

Blue Command: ...Dude, how long have you guys been down there?

Tucker: No, no no, naw, it- not like that. we need more men to help us.

Blue Command: Roger that. Did you get the tank we sent?

Tucker: Yeah, that got blown up too.

Blue Command: Wow. Sucks to be you.

Tucker: Yeah, we know.

Blue Command: Okay, here's what I can do. The nearest blue forces can be there in sixteen days, or I-

Tucker: Sixteen days!? That's almost two weeks!

Blue Command: Or I can hire a nearby freelancer and get him there within a few hours.

Caboose: I like the 'in an hour' one.

Tucker: Yeah, me too. Roger that Command, we prefer the quicker solution.

Blue Command: 10-4 Blood Gulch, we will contact freelancer Tex, and have him there post-haste. Command out.

Tucker: Whoever he is, make sure he can fix a tank.

Caboose: What's a freelancer?

Tucker: Freelancers are independant, they're not red or blue. They're just guns for hire, who'll fight for whoever has the most money.

Caboose: Like a mercenary.

Tucker: Right. Or like your mom, when the rent's due.

Caboose: ...oh, that's funny.

Tucker: Yeah, you didn't think that was too obvious?

Caboose: No no, no no, that was, that was good.

Some soldier in white armor starts fading in in the background

Ghostly White Armor: (spooky voice) Tucker... Tuuuckerrr...

Tucker: Who the hell are you?

Ghostly White Armor: (spooky voice) I am the ghost of Chuuuurch... and I've come back with a waaarniiing...

Caboose: You're not Church... Church is blue. You're white.

Church: Rookie, shut up, man. I'm a freakin' ghost! Have you ever seen a blue ghost before?

Tucker: Yeah, that's definitely him.

Church: Now I gotta start all over again... (ahem) (spooky voice) Tucker... Tuuuckerrr... I've come back with a waaarniiing...

Tucker: Is it really necessary to do the voice?

Caboose: Yeah, it's kinda annoying.

Church: Fine. Okay, here's the deal. I've come back from the dead to give you a warning about Tex. Don't let - Caboose: What's the warning?

Church: Shut up for one second, and I'll tell you.

Caboose: Oh, sorry.

Church: Seriously, man, I mean, I'm coming back from the great beyond here. You think this is easy? It's not. It's not like I just, you know just pop in and out whenever I feel like it, it takes a lot of concentration.

Caboose: Sorry.

Church: I mean, it's bad enough that you killed me to begin with, but now I come back and I can't even get a word in edgewise, man. ... (exhales) Okay. Here's the deal.

Caboose: Is this the warning?

Church: Alright, that's it, I swear to God, Caboose, your ass is haunted. When we're done here, I'm gonna haunt you.

Tucker: Yeah, you're even starting to bug me.

Church: Okay, Tucker. You remember that I told you I was stationed on Sidewinder before they transfered me here to Blood Gulch, right?

Tucker: No.

Caboose: Sidewinder, isn't that the ice planet?

Church: Yes.

Caboose: Cool, what was that like?

Church: Um... it was cold.

Caboose: That's it? Just cold?

Church: What do you want from me, a poem? It's a planet made entirely out of ice. It's really, fuckin', cold.

Tucker: Would you just let him talk?

Cut to the blue base on Sidewinder

Church: Alright, well, one day when I was there, everything was just like normal. I remember, I was out on patrol with my partner Jimmy. That Jimmy was a real good kid, everybody liked him.

Tucker: Do you think I was a good kid Church?

Church: Tucker, don't get jealous man, just listen to the story, okay? Like I said, guys were hanging around, waitin' for some action, bitching about the cold...

Camera zooms past three blue guys around a fire

Blue guy 1: Man, it's fucking cold.

Blue guy 2: I hope we get some action.

Church: Anyway, Jimmy was in the middle of telling me all about this girlfriend he had back home.

Camera stops on Church in his light blue armor, and Jimmy

Jimmy: Yep, soon as I get back, I'm gonna get down on one knee and ask her to marry me.

Church: And that's when Tex showed up.

Camera angle changes to a distant shot, and Tex in transparent armor crosses the screen in the foreground

Church: Private Mickey was the first to go. He was halfway across the base when all of a sudden he just started screaming bloody murder.

Mickey: (turning around firing at the ground) Bloody murder! Bloody murder!

Church: The whole thing was over before it even started.

Tex hits another blue soldier in the back of the head with the butt-end of the gun, then runs across to get the third one the same way

Church and Jimmy firing at something, Tex runs up behind them

Church: Poor Jimmy was the last one to go. Tex walked up to him, pulled Jimmy's skull right out of his head and beat him to death with it.

Cut to Tucker

Tucker: Wait a second... how do you beat someone to death with their own skull? That doesn't seem physically possible.

Church: That's exactly what Jimmy kept screaming.

Cut to Tex, in black armor, beating Jimmy to death with his own skull

Jimmy: This doesn't seem physically possible! (dies) Eeeeggh, blehhhhh.

Cut back to Church in Blood Gulch

Church: Bottom line is: these freelancers, they're bad news, and Tex is one of the worst.

Caboose: If he's such a badass, why didn't he kill you?

Cut to Church on Sidewinder, surrounded by dead blues

Church: To tell you I don't know why I'm not dead. Could've killed me at any point. But maybe it's because Tex and I have run in to each other once before.

Cut back to Tucker

Tucker: Where?

Church: You uh, you remember that girl I told you about back home? Well, let's just say that Tex is the real reason why we never got married. Guys, I'm fading fast and I don't know when I'll be back. Just listen to my warning: don't let Tex get involved here.

Tucker: Okay.

Church: I mean it Tucker. No fighting, no scouting, nothing. You'll regret it (fades out)

Camera angle changes to a long shot of Tucker and Caboose, slowly panning left

Tucker: So, Tex and Church were after the same girl.

Caboose: I told you his girlfriend was a slut.

music plays the episode out *
 * Tex's leg and arm come in to the camera angle, within earshot, and then the rest of the armor. Bass guitar

Knock Knock. Who's There? Pain. [ Episode 11 ]
Sarge and Grif watching Lopez fix the jeep, which is turned on its side to expose its juicy underbelly

Grif: And then I thought, you know, we could sneak around the side while they were hiding behind the rock, but uh, well that's when the tank showed up and, shit just started blowin' up. I don't know.

Sarge: (exhales) Grif, do you have any Godly idea how much this piece of equipment costs?

Grif: Ah, I don't know, what like uh, ten, ten twenty, twenty-five bucks, maybe? Uh, yeu, you're gonna kill me now, aren't you.

Sarge: Tell you what, Grif, I'm a fair man. I'll give you a ten second head start here before I let Lopez do anything he wants to ya.

Lopez stops working on the jeep and stands up to face Grif

Grif: Guys, I just want you to know. I'm really, really sorry here, and

Lopez puts down his tool for a big gun

Sarge: Five Mississippi. Six Mississippi.

Grif: (backing away) Okay uh, I guess I better get going then.

Lopez and Sarge look at each other, then turn and start firing at Grif

Grif: Hey guys, that's not funny. Somebody could get hurt here.

Cut to Tex on the blue base, with Tucker, firing at something

Tucker: That's basically it sir, they have five guys over there and a big jeep.

Tex: (reloading) And your flag.

Tucker: Right, that too.

Tex throws a grenade at something

Tucker: Uh, hey, Tex? I don't know what it's been like at your other bases, but we try not to use other soldiers as target practice here.

Camera pans, showing Tex has been firing at Caboose

Caboose: I'm scared.

Tex starts playing with various weapons, Caboose runs up to Tex and Tucker

Tucker: So, you've got the Special Forces black armor, I see. Were you in the Special Forces at some point?

Tex: (playing with a gun)

Tucker: Yeah, I used to have black armor too. It was black because I got this stuff all over it from th-

Tex runs off

Tucker: Oh, okay, you gotta go? I'll see you later.

Caboose: (whispering) I don't think he likes you.

Tucker: Thanks.

Tucker and Caboose run up to the edge of the base

Tucker: Where are you going?

Tex: Red base. Kill everybody. Get the flag back.

Caboose: Uh... Okay! We'll just stay here and guard the trans... porter...

Cut to Grif on the red base

Grif: So, Sarge thought my strategy had merit, but was poorly executed, probably because somebody didn't believe in it.

Simmons: Bullshit. He told me he thought you were a retarded monkey, and he's gonna suspend your weapon privileges.

Donut: Hey since I captured the flag, d'you think they'll give me my own color armor now?

Simmons: What do you mean 'captured'? You thought you were buying it at the store, you idiot.

Donut: Still, you think there's a shot?

Simmons: Maybe they'll give you Grif's armor, since he destroyed the Warthog.

Grif: Hyeah, heh-wait... you don't... you don't think they'd do that, do you?

Cut to Sarge watching Lopez fix the Warthog

Sarge: Try connectin' that hose to that metal thingie over there. I think that's what's makin' that rattle.

Lopez stands up and looks at Sarge

Sarge: Ah think I'll let you do it.

Lopez returns to work. Invisible Tex runs behind Sarge

Sarge: What the... What was that?

Cut to Grif

Grif: Simmons, what's going on? What's over there?

Simmons: (looking over the edge of the base) I thought I saw something for a second.

Camera pans down to reveal invisible Tex, then cuts back to Grif

Grif: Hey rookie, tuck the flag somewhere safe until we can figure out what's goin' on.

Donut: Good idea. I was sick of carrying this thing anyway. (dumps the flag in the middle of the base)

Cut to Tex, then cut to Grif and Simmons looking off the edge of the base

Simmons: Did you hear that?

Grif: Yeah.

Donut: (whispering) Hey! What's going on?

Cut to Tex, who throws a grenade up on to the red base, then cut to Grif and Simmons from behind. Grif turns around

Grif: What the fuck?

Cut to Donut, who has the grenade stuck to his helmet

Donut: What?

Simmons: (turns around) What is that thing?

Donut: What thing?

Grif: There's something on your head...

Donut: What, is it a spider? Get it off!

Simmons: No, it's not a spider, it's, like a... blue thing.

Donut: What, like a blue spider? Get it off!

Grif: It's not a spider, calm down. It's some kinda, fuzzy pulsating thing.

Donut: That doesn't sound much better than a spider.

Simmons: Does it hurt?

Donut: No...

Simmons: Maybe we should try to take it off.

Grif: Good idea. Go for it.

Simmons: Me? By "we" I meant "you." Asshole.

Donut: Well somebody needs to get it off. Look, it might be dangerous.

Grenade explodes, attached to Donut's head

Grif and Simmons

Simmons: Son of a bitch!

sounds of people being hit with the butt ends of weapons

Grif: Son... where'd he go?

more sounds of people being hit with the butt ends of weapons

Grif: Don't kill me, I'm too good looking to die!

Down, But Not Out. [ Episode 12 ]
Caboose looking through the sniper rifle at the red base, Tucker with him

Grif: (in distance) Son... where'd he go? Don't kill me, I'm too good looking to die!

Caboose: Man... he is really kicking their asses.

Tucker: How come I never get the fucking sniper rifle?

Caboose: (lowers the rifle) I'm really glad Tex is on our team and not theirs.

Tucker: Sure makes things a lot easier on us.

Caboose: Yeah. I think switching Tex for Church was a good trade.

Tucker: It definitely seems like your killing Church is starting to work out for us.

Caboose: Ya know ya think so? You know, I was gonna say something but uh, well you know, uh... nuh...

Tucker: Did Tex get in the base?

Caboose: (raises the rifle, sees Tex enter the base) Yeah.

Cut to the flag stand in the blue base. Flag reappears

Freaky Game Voice: Blue team, flag returned.

Tucker: What the... who said that?

Church: (clears throat) Sorry, that was me. I uh, I guess I had something stuck in my throat. Your flag is back, by the way.

Caboose: Hey... it's Church.

Church: Yeah, it's me. Hey Caboose.

Caboose: Hey Church, what're you up to?

Church: Caboose, ah-huh-huh, I'm not really here to make small-talk, okay? How'd you guys manage to get your flag back?

Tucker: Wh, what? Oh, th, that flag? We've always had that.

Church: Tucker, who do you think you're trying to fool? Hey wait a second... Where's Tex?

Tucker: I'm not really sure, he said he was gonna go to the store, something about uh, Elbow Grease.

Church: Oh great. This is so typical! What was the one thing I told you guys the last time I appeared?

Caboose: That Sidewinder is cold!?

Church: Nuhhhh, what was the other one thing I told you?

Tucker: Not to let him get involved?

Church: Right. And what did you do?

Tucker: We let him get involved.

Church: And not just a little involved, how involved?

Caboose: Very, very involved.

Cut to Tex in the red base

Sarge: (emerging from the left) Freeze.

Lopez emerges from the right, pinning Tex

Sarge: Drop your weapon.

Tex: (drops the gun) Hey buddy.

Sarge: What.

Tex: You really better hope the first one knocks me out.

Sarge hits Tex with the butt end of his shotgun, conveniently knocking Tex out

Cut to Grif on the red base

Grif: Ow, what the... My freakin' head. Jesus.

Simmons: (stands up from tending to Donut) He's hurt, Grif. He'll make it, but we need to get him some help fast.

Grif: Yeah, yeah hold on one second. What happened here? W- First Donut's head exploded, and then you fainted, and then some black thing showed up and started-

Simmons: Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait. I did not faint, something knocked me out.

Grif: Okay fine, keep lying to yourself. Whatever helps you sleep at night.

Simmons: Man, just go find Sarge, we need to get Donut outta here.

Grif: Yeah sure, oh, and uh, I'm fine by the way, thanks for asking. (runs down the ramp)

Simmons: Whatever, noone likes you anyway.

Cut to Caboose, looking through the sniper rifle at Grif entering the red base

Caboose: Yep, he's definitely captured... Or dead... Captured or dead. ...(inhales sharply) Or captured and dead!

Church: Oh, well that's just perfect!

Tucker: What? What is your problem? Why do you even care if he's captured, I thought you hated that guy anyway, for stealing your girlfriend?

Church: I never said I hated Tex. I just said that she was the reason why we never got married.

Caboose: She?

Cut to inside the red base, with everyone but Donut present

Simmons: Sarge, we need to get Donut air-lifted outta here.

Sarge: Could you put that in a memo, and entitle it "Shit I already know!" Get on the horn with Command! Well, look who's up. Rise 'n' shine, buttercup.

Tex is standing, sparks flying from the right shoulder, jerking it back

Tex: (now sounding like a girl) Oh great... you broke my voice filter. You cock biting fucktards!

Grif: Ah-ha! I knew it! Only a chick could give me a headache this big!

Tex: ...What's the matter, you never seen a girl before? How long have you guys been out here?