User:Origami Duck/sandbox

The Strange Tale of Tinkerbell and the Nipple Rings

It all began one fine day, ('twas in May, I'd say), when Captain Hook, him the leader of a pirate gang, was sitting idly on a dock dangling his schlong in the water and feeling sorry for himself. He truly had not made much success of life, and he felt, though he could say not why, that things ought to have gone much differently for him.

He was correct in that notion, for his true name was Hookleberry Djinn, and he was, did he but know it, one of that singular class of being called Genies. He could have replaced his missing hand and obtained wealth beyond his dreams with nothing more than a snap of his (remaining) fingers. But alas, He was never told of his powers. You see, it is common among the Djinn to withhold that information from children until they come of age, lest an immature Genie cause grief in the world with ill-considered magic. But Hookleberry's parents had been killed when he was but a wee lad, and he himself had been banished to Neverland where nothing much is ever learned. Thus it was that poor Hookleberry, finding himself hungry and penniless with nary a marketable skill to his credit, was forced to adopt a life of piracy, a calling to which he was reasonably well adapted and in which he rose to the rank of Captain.

Of course, Kenneth, he who communes with the Frequency, could have told him the truth. But Kenneth was too busy sitting on a rock. Perhaps you will point out that sitting on a rock does not preclude one from speaking, and the logic of that observation is difficult to deny. Possibly the better explanation is simply that Kenneth has a lazy streak and just couldn't be arsed. But we digress. Hook, as we have reported, did not know he was a Genie, and in fact he suspected all who believed in such things of being "fou", a curious term he had picked up from the little French sailor in his crew who would shout ''Il est de la folie. Il est toute fou!'', and which Hook deduced had something to do with madness, the Frenchman being undeniably mad himself.

So we have our hapless Hook sitting on the dock with his schlong in the water, when all of a sudden a crock of dials floated by. Intrigued, Hook plucked a dial from the crock and sat wondering at it, for of course dials would not be invented for some many years yet. Then he glanced again into the crock and his eye beheld the glint of gold. He reached in, rummaging through the useless and enigmatic dials, and brought forth a pair of nipple rings. Huge they were, and gleaming golden in the sun. Hook squinted his (remaining) eye and peered at some engraving inside one ring. He could make out 24 Karat Pure Gold, but could not read the very small letters before and after that message. The entire inscription, could he have read it, said "Clad in 0.00000001 mg 24 Karat Pure Gold and sold for a high price to suckers".

Well, this find, needless to say, elevated Hook's spirits considerably. Certain he had found a fortune, he tried to hide the rings in his pocket, but they refused to fit. They were, after all, HUGE. Casting about for a solution (for he was unwilling to share his find with his scurvy crew), he presently hit upon the expedient of rolling the rings into his hat band where they were a bit heavy, but nicely concealed.

But his machinations had not gone unobserved. From her perch on a nearby flower, one Tinkerbell, a Faerie (another class of being in which Hook did not believe), had watched all this with the curiosity characteristic of her species. Suddenly overcome with desire to possess those magical rings for herself, she followed Hook back to the ship and waited for her chance to steal them.

It was long and long before that chance came. Hook never removed his hat, even when he slept. But finally one day the ship ran aground unexpectedly upon a sandbar, and the jolt knocked Hook's hat off. In a flash, Tinkerbell pounced on the hat and, sprinkling a generous portion of pixie dust on them, transported the rings instantly and invisibly to her home in the forest. Hook, picking up his hat, immediately noticed the loss of weight of course, but he dared say nothing in the presence of his crew who he had cheated out of their share. So he covered his anger with a long and foul discourse upon the inability of his navigator to see a huge sandbar and run the ship aground. After he had hanged that poor wretch from the yardarm, his anger subsided and he opined to himself that as the fates had brought him the rings, so fate had taken them again and there was nothing for it but to drink a bottle of rum. Or rather the foul nasty concoction the last port of call had palmed off on them as rum. No matter, it served its purpose adequately if not palatably.

To continue our story, we must now abandon the besotted and grounded Hook and follow our tiny Faerie to her home in a hollow tree in the Enchanted Forest which lies at the center of Neverland. Tinkerbell tried on the rings, but soon found them too heavy to wear, weighing each of them perhaps a hundred times her miniscule weight. So she resigned herself to using them for wall decorations. She hung them one on each side of her tiny fireplace where they would catch the light and sparkle beautifully in the room. And she kept them long and long, and eventually became so used to them that she could not say for certain when they vanished. She simply noticed their absence one day.

To explain the disappearance, we must examine yet another magical character, one Kalki Baggins, a Hobbit who was both the son and great grandfather of the notable Frodo Baggins. Hobbits are a special class of beings who are able to travel freely between Neverland and the outside world. He was snooping, er exploring in Neverland one day when he happened to find the little entrance to Tinkerbell's home while she was out shopping for pixie dust. Hobbits are very good at finding things, especially things that were lost where their owner placed them. So he took the nipple rings and carried them in his pouch (along with an assortment of jewels, coins, knives, and other lost items he had found on his expedition) back to the outside world. And so it came to pass that Tinkerbell lost her huge nipple rings to a thief. But she consoled herself that she, after all, had stolen them from Hook and thus their loss was neither unjust nor unbearable. Still, she did miss the glitter of them on the wall, and eventually she found a lovely pair of ruby cufflinks in Captain Hook's bedside drawer which she found an admirable replacement for the rings.

And that is the story of how the huge nipple rings came into Kalki's possession, and he is known to this day as the Lord of the Nipple Rings.