We're the Millers

We're the Millers is a 2013 American comedy film about a veteran pot dealer who creates a fake family as part of his plan to move a huge shipment of weed into the U.S. from Mexico.
 * Directed by Rawson Marshall Thurber. Written by Bob Fisher, Steve Faber, Sean Anders, and John Morris.

If Anyone Asks

David Clark

 * [Speaking to Brad on the phone] I'm here to pick up a smidge of pot. This is not a smidge of pot! You got me moving enough weed to kill Willie Nelson, man!

Edie Fitzgerald
So, you know, when you're a synchronized swimmer you can't use a Maxipad because you can see it, so my friend bought me a box of tampins. And I gotta tell ya, I had SUCH a hard time inserting those. It would just stick halfway out like a — like a Roman Candle. And THAT is how I found out I was born with a shallow vagina.

Dialogue

 * Rose: You're not a neighbor, you're a drug dealer…whose apartment smells like cheese and feet?
 * David: Mm. Yeah, it's a candle I got from Anthropologie. "Cheesy Feet" is what they call it. It's a best-seller.


 * Kenny: Hey, David.
 * David: Hi, Kenny.
 * Kenny: So I heard you and Miss O'Riley fighting.
 * David: Its called flirting, Kenny. you'll learn about it in college. What the hell you doing up? It's almost two am. Where's your mom?
 * Kenny: Uh, She went for a drink with a friend.
 * David: When?
 * Kenny: Last week. So I got my whole place to myself. Rolling Han Solo for the weekend. Um, speaking of rolling, I was wondering...
 * David: I don't sell to kids, Kenny.
 * Kenny: I'm 18, I'm gonna get my own place soon. I'm not a kid, David.
 * David: Yeah, you are, take care.
 * [Kenny has noticed three men harassing a young woman in an alleyway so Kenny has walked over]
 * David: Goddammit, Kenny. [David follows Kenny]


 * David: Hey, hey, hey, hey, easy, easy. What's going on here?
 * Street thug: Mind your own fucking business, old man.
 * David: Oh my god, you're a dude. I was like, what the hell? I mean, your voice was much deeper than your bone structure.
 * Casey: These assholes are trying to steal my iPhone.
 * David: Wait, you have an iPhone? Aren't you homeless?
 * Casey: So? Fuck you, dude. [Note:Not clear who she says this to]
 * David: Okay, this was fun, carry on.
 * Kenny: Wait, no. These guys are picking on this girl, and it's not fair.
 * Street thug 2: What the fuck are you gonna do about it, white boy? You some type'a hero? [Note:The street thug is caucasian]
 * David: No, he's not a hero, he's just a dumb kid. I got an idea, leave the girl alone. You three just move along, huh? What do you say? Move along?
 * Street thug: What are you, some kind of cop?
 * Kenny: No, he's not a cop. He's actually really cool. He's a drug dealer.
 * Street thug: Really? [Holds up a switchblade]
 * David: Goddamnit, Kenny.
 * Street thug: Give me your backpack.
 * David: I don't wanna fight.
 * Street thug: Oh, there's not gonna be a fight. See, you either give me your backpack, or I'm gonna stab you in the fucking neck, and take it.
 * David: Whew. So it's a real Sophie's Choice here, huh? Alright, okay, backpack it is you want... Run, Kenny! [David swings it at a street thug, and runs into alleyway, with the street thugs in pursuit of him]
 * Casey: [walking down the street in nonchalant tone] Hey, sorry, I dropped my phone. Are we still going out tonight or what?
 * David: [to the street thugs as he swings his backpack around] Sorry, this is fucking dumb. [lands on the dumpster feeling hurt]
 * [David is caught by the thugs and his apartment is cleaned out of marijuana and cash.]
 * Kenny: Are you okay, David? I can help. I'll call the cops. [To David slumped on the apartment floor]
 * David: No, I'm okay.


 * David Clark: Who the fuck is Pablo Chacon?
 * Brad: I am. Yo soy Pablo Chacon. You don't get a lot of respect from the Mexicans when your name is Brad Gurdlinger, right?


 * Brad: Although you are forgetting one thing.
 * David: What?
 * Brad: You don't have a fucking choice.
 * [David and Kenny are hanging out on steps of their building]
 * Kenny: So, now you gotta be an even bigger drug dealer?
 * David: Drug smuggler, Kenny, there's a difference.
 * Kenny: Well, you know you probably gonna get searched at the border, I mean, no offense, but you look like a total drug dealer.
 * David: No shit. Thanks dude.
 * Kenny: You could wear a disguise.
 * David: What?
 * Kenny: A disguise.
 * David: Okay, that's what I thought you said. So, a disguise, so what I should dress like, I don't know, what's hot this Halloween these days? Maybe I could wear a mask like Bane, from Batman something like that on some of my fucking face. [Puts on Bane voice and hand up to mouth] "Oh there's no drugs in here, you have nothing to worry about"; Yeah, good idea.
 * RV driver: Hey, pardon me, sure hate to bug you fellows but I'm trying to get the fam off to the zoo and I'm all lost so if you could help..
 * David: Yeah, fuck off real life Flanders.
 * [Police officer tells RV driver that there is no parking here and gives RV driver directions and David has an epiphany]
 * David: Holy fucking shit! Thank you dick heads!


 * [David tries to convince Rose to come with him on the trip but Rose declines]
 * Kenny: So, what has she said?
 * David: The fuck do you think? She said no.
 * Kenny: Cool. So it's like I guess a father and son bonding trip to Mexico.
 * David: Are you kidding me? You and me traveling alone in a van, it's gonna look like pervert Olympics. No way, absolutely no, we need a girl, and unless you can think of someone that can leave town tommorow. I'm fucked.
 * Kenny: I know a girl.
 * [Casey is prying open cash deposits with a crowbar]
 * Casey: I don't get it. What's in it for me?
 * David: Well I'm thinking, maybe a roof over your head, some hot food, that'd be good right?
 * Casey: Ok, but for $1,000.
 * David: Ok, $1,000 but that's it.
 * Casey: And if we get caught, I'll say you drugged and kidnapped me. cool?
 * David: Yeah, it's cool, yeah, it's fine but that's it. Kenny meet your new sister.
 * Kenny: This is great. I always want a sister. [Tightly hugs Casey]
 * Casey: Get it off me, get it off, get off.


 * Todd: I want you to start having sex with the customers for money. [Note: Todd is the owner of the strip club Rose dances in]
 * Rose: What? That's totally illegal, Todd!
 * Todd: Come on, what are you gonna do? Besides, I gotta stay competitive with those fuckers who just opened up across the street.
 * Rose: You mean the Apple Store?
 * Todd: Yeah, and they're killing us.
 * Kimberly/Boner Garage: Did you hear the good news? Now we get to fuck the costumers for money! [Squeals]
 * Todd: Boner Garage loves it.
 * Rose: I'm outta here, I'm outta here, I quit. [Walks up to apartment door and pulls off a posted notice] Eviction notice. Fuck. [Looks at mail ad, 1950's woman]


 * [David, Kenny and Casey are waiting in a barbershop]
 * Kenny: So Casey, I guess it's nice for you to get your hair cut. I mean you being homeless and all I guess.
 * Casey: I'm not homeless fucktard, I have a home, but I left it because my parents...
 * David: Oh my god, shut up, shut up, shut up okay, please? Alright, I don't need to hear your heart bloodbath story right now okay? I mean, I rented Precious on Netflix and I still don't watch the fucking thing. Actually here, you know what? Just to give me a little peace and quiet, go buy yourself some new clothes, you know, the kind of stuff that loved children are wearing. Not this garbage, alright? Thank you. Whoaa, whoa whoa, stop, stop, stop. [Grabs Kenny and Casey] Kenny, you're fine. You already look like a total dipshit. Here, you take it, you're gonna need that. [Hands cash to Casey] You look like Eminem from 8 Mile. [Casey flips David off] Kenny, go with her, make sure she doesn't steal the money. And stay the fuck out the Hot Topic.
 * Stylist: OK, what are we doing today?
 * David Clark: Yeah. I say, give me somethin' that says, 'I get up every morning at 5:30 and commute for an hour and a half to some bullshit job where my jag-off boss expects me to kiss his balls all day just so I can afford to keep my ungrateful, screaming kids decked out in Dora the Explorer shit and my wife up to her fat ass in self-help videos until the day I get up the courage to put a shotgun in my mouth.'
 * Middle Aged Man: [Indicating his own haircut] Right here.
 * David Clark: [Points in the mirror] Yeah. That's it. That's the one.


 * [Speaking to flight attendant]
 * Natalie the Flight Attendant: Hi, you folks have everything you need?
 * David: Oh, you betcha! Yeah, we're heading out on a family vacay here, you know? Off to see grandma, huh?
 * Natalie the Flight Attendant: Well, you have a lovely family.
 * David: Oh, thank you very much. Yeah, this is my son, Kenny Miller, right here. And my lovely daughter...
 * Casey: Casey?
 * David: Casey. Casey Miller, that's right. And I'm David Miller. We're the Millers. Yeah, now, you know, I got my hands full here. Couple of kooky teenagers.
 * Casey: Yeah, I'm going through all those typical teenage girl issues like finals and college applications...and am I gonna get asked to prom. Plus, I haven't gotten my period in two months...which is really weird because I've mostly just been doing anal.
 * Kenny: Ha-ha-ha!
 * David: Oh, that's enough. Well, thank you for your help, "Natalie".


 * [Rose has agreed to go on the trip at the last moment and has walked onto the plane]
 * Rose: I want $30,000 now!
 * David: No fucking way.
 * Rose: Ok! Have a safe flight!
 * David: Wait! Ok, fine, fine. Blood sucker.
 * Rose: Alright, happy wife, happy life!


 * [Kenny has accidentally hit Casey in the face and Rose in the breast]
 * Rose: What the fuck? Don't think that you could ever...
 * David: Whoa whoa whoa, family meeting, let's go, get in the back, go.
 * [David starts herding Kenny, Casey and Rose to the back of the plane]
 * Kenny: I didn't mean to hit her.
 * David: I don't care.
 * Casey: He hit me in the fucking face, sir.
 * David: Are you from Mars? No one wants to hear it. [In the plane galley] What the fuck?! Are you kidding me with this shit?!
 * Casey: Relax, Dorothy, Jesus, we're not at the border yet, who cares what these people think.
 * David: It's about not drawing attention to ourselves, you little hobo.
 * Rose: Hey, don't talk to her like that!
 * David: Rose, relax, okay, the only thing you need to worry right now is making people believe you could actually be someone's mother, okay?
 * Rose: Are you kidding me? I can do this shit in my sleep. [They hear a flight attendant coming in so Rose has grabbed all their hands to join in a prayer circle] Lord, we thank thee for the blessing of this family vacation. May David find his bliss and bring us all back home safely. May Kenny and Casey fortify their sibling bond over the warm glow of our devoted hearts. And may this entire airplane find safe passage and a bountiful life. Even the Jews. Amen.
 * Flight attendant: That was a good one, that was beautiful, I wish my family was more like that.


 * David Clark: [on the phone, to Brad] We're at the Corrales Regional Medical Center in the middle of Buttfuck, New Mexico.
 * Brad: Why?
 * David Clark: Why?... Why? Because this goddamn Kenny kid got his fucking nuts bit by a giant-ass spider, that's why!
 * Brad: That is amazing. Will you let me know if he develops any superpowers?


 * Scottie P.: What's up, dog?
 * David: Not much, dog, what's up with you?
 * Scottie P.: I'm here to pick up Casey. You know what I'm sayin'?
 * David: Well, I'm awake and I speak English, so yeah, I know what you're saying.


 * [Casey and Scottie P. are about to leave]
 * Rose: Wait a second. Hold on, come here. I'd like to have a little chat with your friend.
 * Casey: [visibly annoyed] Are you kidding me?
 * Rose: I am not kidding you. Would you please have a seat?
 * Casey: What is going on?
 * Rose: So, Scottie P., what exactly do you for a living?
 * Casey: Oh, Mom!
 * Scottie P.: I work for P&J Amusements. I maintain the monkey maze, if you know what I'm saying'.
 * David: What the hell is a monkey maze?
 * Scottie P.: Oh, it's like a terrifying death trap, but, for little kids.
 * David: Hey, those are cool tats, man.
 * Scottie P.: Oh, for real. Thank you, bro. You see the cobra?
 * David: What's this? The one right there?
 * Scottie P.: Oh, this?
 * David: Uh-huh.
 * Scottie P.: That’s my credo. "No ragrets.” [Pulls down shirt collar to reveal "NO RAGRETS"]
 * David: Mm-hm. How about that. You have no regrets?
 * Casey: Dad... ''[Casey flips off both David and Rose behind Scottie P.'s back with both hands]
 * Scottie P.: No. Not one.
 * David: Like not even a single letter?
 * Scottie P.: No way... uh huh, at least, not me [laughs].
 * Casey: Dad... I love him.
 * David: I think he's great. I think he's real winner, Casey. If I were you, I wouldn't use protection, have fun. Scottie P. you're the man [High fives him]
 * Scottie P.: Yeah? For real. Nice meeting you man. Alright, you too. [Casey gets on Scottie P.'s motorcycle and he speeds off, narrowly missing people on the campsite]
 * David: [To Rose] Come on, she'll gonna be fine. Tattooed kid on a motorcycle, no helmet. Actually, she might already be pregnant.


 * Rose: We didn't know if you were dead in a ditch. You couldn't've called?
 * David: Or some of those damn text messages you always sending out there; "hey its me casey, im not dead in the ditch lol, a little pig with a fucking smile, #YOLO".
 * Casey: Whoa, was that so hard to say, thank you, appreciate that.
 * David: Unbelieveable, she learned a new word Rose. Thank God.
 * Casey: "I'm sorry", He will be great.
 * David: Oh, there he is. Kenny, oh my god you looks so much better.
 * Rose: Yeah, doesn't he looks better?
 * David: Yeah, he looks like a thousand bucks. Lets go come on.
 * Kenny: Hey, take it easy. Would you just relax? Oh, hurt my elbow.
 * Rose: Are you okay?
 * Kenny: I think so.
 * Rose: David, look what's happened to you, when you running around like a crazy person.
 * David: What are you talking about? He's fine, come on. Come on Ken doll hop hop buddy, here we go here we go.
 * Rose: What the hell is wrong with you?
 * David: Whats wrong with me? Look this job has a deadline and in four fucking hours alright, and if you thinking I'm gonna lose half a million dollars pay day [Rose and Casey's eyes widen] because of one of Kenny's boo boos then you're out of your goddamned mind!
 * Rose: Whoa, wait a second: you're making half a million dollars on this deal?
 * David: Uh...Roughly.
 * Rose: I can not believe you!
 * David: Rose, listen to me, I can explain it.
 * Rose: You are making $500,000 and you were only gonna pay me 30?!
 * Casey: You're getting 30 grand?! I'm getting a thousand!
 * Kenny: Wait, you guys are gettin' paid?


 * Rose: [Scottie P. is trying to make out with Casey, who is resisting] Hey! Get your hands off of her! Come here, Casey. Now, you put your hands on her one more time, I swear I'm gonna rip that fucking tattoo right off of your chest.

[Scottie P. mocks Rose]
 * Rose: You know what I'm sayin'?
 * Scottie P.: Oh, really, bitch?
 * Rose: Yeah, bitch.
 * Kenny: You know what? Why don't you leave the girls alone, man.
 * Scottie P.: What are you gonna do about it, Eyebrows?
 * Kenny: One... two...
 * [Rose punches Scottie P. in the face]
 * Scottie P.: OW! Broke my nose! You're a aggressive woman! Y'know wha' I'm sayin'?

[He runs away with a bloody nose]
 * Rose: [to Casey] Are you Ok?
 * Casey: I'm fine. That was awesome, you just fuckin' decked him!
 * Rose: Yeah, well, I've dealt with handsy assholes like him at work. Come on, let's just get out of here. Thanks for the backup. Kenny, what were you counting? If you're gonna punch somebody, you punch 'em on "one."
 * Kenny: Well, David told me to count...
 * [Casey groans]
 * Rose: David? David hasn't punched anybody, ever.. I think the exit is this way.
 * David: I have returned.
 * Casey: Go fuck yourself.
 * David: This is what I miss right? The ping pong action. The repartée. Casey says; "Go fuck yourself" then you go fuck yourself, and then Rose, you say; "you go fuck yourself", then Kenny's like; "I don't wanna fuck anybody".
 * Rose: We're not getting in the RV.
 * David: What? Okay, okay. I know what this is about, and I get it. We're gonna split the $500,000, evenly, betwixt the four of us. You guys get what I'm saying here. Kenny, you wanna be like this. That's a lot of video games kiddo. Casey, you can buy a house, run away from it, you know what I mean? Like whatever. You get $125.000, You get $125.000, you get a... you know, I'm like fuckin' Oprah here. You know, like if she was a white dude at a carnival. Okay look, what do you want? You want me to beg? Kids, what do you think?


 * Melissa Fitzgerald: You're drug dealers?
 * Kenny Rossmore: No, we're drug smugglers.

Cast

 * Jennifer Aniston as Sarah "Rose" O'Reilly Miller
 * Jason Sudeikis as David Clark Miller
 * Emma Roberts as Casey Mathis Miller
 * Will Poulter as Kenny Rossmore Miller
 * Ed Helms as Brad Gurdlinger
 * Nick Offerman as Don Fitzgerald
 * Kathryn Hahn as Edie Fitzgerald
 * Molly Quinn as Melissa Fitzgerald
 * Ken Marino as Todd
 * Tomer Sisley as the real Pablo Chacon
 * Thomas Lennon as Rick Nathanson
 * Matthew Willig as One-Eye
 * Mark L. Young as Scottie P.
 * Luis Guzmán as Mexican cop
 * Karuna Sun as Stripper/Pole Dancer
 * Scott Adsit as the doctor