Weeds (TV series)

Weeds (2005–2012) is an American dark comedy television series about an affluent fictional California suburb and its residents, a handful of whom are involved in the distribution and consumption of marijuana.

You Can't Miss the Bear [1.1]

 * Doug: (Reassuring Nancy that Judah didn't discuss their sex life) The guys who still have sex with their wives usually don't want to jinx it by saying something out loud.


 * Nancy: You know the rules..
 * Josh: One of your own kind, deal to your own kind. I'm putting the love in the glove.


 * Celia: [Watching a video of her daughter] I should've had an abortion.


 * Isabelle: Did you see my kick?
 * Celia: Yeah, I wanna see more running out there, Isa-belly, now that's what burns the fat.

Free Goat [1.2]

 * Shane: Do you think I'm weird?
 * Judah: Totally weird, but you're awesome. Αnd I wouldn't trade you in for any other almost-ten-year-old on earth.
 * Shane: What if there's life on other planets and there's an unbelieveable, amazing ten year old out there?
 * Judah: Why would I trade down? To me, you're the best dude, you are the amazing unbelievable Shane Botwin.


 * Celia: Dean?? You awake? (Buzz go the hair clippers)
 * Isabelle: (In the morning, at the breakfast table) Did your hair go to boarding school in Mexico too?


 * Silas: Tell me where she is!
 * Celia: Why? So you can fly down to mexico and spring her from Casa Reforma?
 * Silas: I love her.
 * Celia: You stuck your penis in her. That's not love, believe me.


 * Silas: I am her family.
 * Celia: Ugh, God, poor thing. Do you really think that my daughter had deep romantic feelings for you? Is that what you think? Now I'm sure that you were a fun and sweaty diversion for her, but the truth is Quinn had a day and a half to get all of her ducks in a row before going to Mexico and she didn't call you. She didn't write or IM or e-mail you either, did she? But I'll tell you what she did do, she downloaded 2,000 songs into her ipod and dyed her hair pink with black on the tips. Because all that Quinn cares about is Quinn. She takes after her father that way…. Poor schmuck.


 * Heylia: Oh, you poor schmuck, you just played wrong (lays down a domino). That's a boat!
 * Nancy: Wait, a boat is when the four ends add up to 20?
 * Heylia: A boat is when I spank this boy's black ass for thinking he all that with his three switchin' bitches.
 * Nancy: Three switchin' bitches?
 * Conrad: It's 15. And a boat is 20. Stop fuckin' with her, she's just tryin' to learn the game.


 * Nancy: All bun?
 * Conrad: No, uh… hot dog.


 * Heylia: That's it. Range Rover for stoney clover.


 * Mr. Norman: (In a parallel line, leans toward Nancy accusingly) I know what you did. I know you stole that goat. Goat thief!
 * Nurse: Mr. Norman, step back into your line.
 * Mr. Norman: (towards Nancy) It's the economy stupid. But that goat didn't belong to you, it was a free goat.
 * Shane: (from other side) Mom, it really hurts. It's throbbing.
 * Mr. Norman: (Whiny) ‘It's throbbing, Mom.'
 * Nancy: Back off, nutty!
 * Mr. Norman: (Turns away, turns back, leans down towards Shane, whining and mocking) Ah, cry baby, wha, wha.
 * Nancy: I'm gonna take your free goat and shove it straight up your ass.
 * Mr. Norman: (Straightening up) What goat?


 * Heylia: Now, I know you got troubles, but like my momma always said, "Tough shit."


 * Nancy: What do you do if somebody actually calls to get his house cleaned?
 * Heylia: Then I refer ‘em to my cousin Zondra, who cleans for real. She don't make shit, but Zondra found the Lord so she don't care.


 * Vaneeta: How much you think we get for that? (referring to Nancy's wedding bang and ring)
 * Heylia: Nothin'. She'll be back.


 * Tennis Pro: We need to go somewhere where we can get very, very drunk.
 * Celia: I'm a mean drunk. Let's go.


 * Celia: He always did excellent work down there… Piece of shit.
 * Tennis Pro: IS that what you think? He's shit?
 * Celia: You know, when you stop being cute and clean and funny at home and start spending afternoons with your head buried in the snatch of the tennis pro, yeah, you're a piece of shit.




 * Tennis Pro: Dean's a good guy.
 * Celia: You know, shut up. I'm very mad at him.

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 * Celia: He just turned out to be another mid-level asshole. And that makes me Mrs. Mid-level Asshole.

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 * Tennis Pro: I'm sorry.
 * Celia: Your'e a big whore.
 * Tennis Pro: I think I should go now
 * Celia: Oh, sit your flat ass back down. You know, you're a good listener.
 * Tennis Pro: Thanks.
 * Celia: Fuck you. Let's get another round.

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 * Celia: (A little tipsy, pulls up next to Nancy in Conrads hoopdie) Hey Nancy! Where's your, where's your ring?
 * Nancy: My ring?
 * Celia:Yeah, you're pretty little diamond ring.
 * Nancy:It's in the shop.
 * Celia:Oh, well, I hope they can fix it.
 * Nancy:Yes, me too, Celia. Thanks!

Good Shit Lollipop [1.3]

 * Mrs. Elderman: (On the News) I haven't seen Chester, oh that's my cat, in 2 days. Umm, I dunno though, would a big cat eat a smaller cat? I mean, isn't that cat cannibalism?

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 * Doug: (On phone) Hey listen, I've got somebody here, we'll finish this up at the next counsel meeting. Your turn to bring the vodka. Okay, you too. Yes, yes, I fucked your wife. Yes, I fucked your mother. Okay, bye.

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 * Doug: Oh, it's a weed wonderland, Nancy. It's like Amsterdam, only better, because you don't have to visit the Anne Frank house and pretend to be all sad and stuff.

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 * Doug: See this Lollipop
 * Nancy: It isn't...?
 * Doug: Yes, I'm getting high right now and you can't even tell.

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 * Craig X: (at the Bodhi Sativa Caregivers Club) The first thing you wanna do when you come to the club is check out the big board. On the big board we have all the prices and strains and they do change daily. (To another customer) Hey, Billy, how's the arthritis? All right, cool. (Back to Nancy) What was I saying?

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 * Doug: Hey, anymore Stephen Hawking? I wanna be wheeled out of here.

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 * Celia: (Walking into Nancy's House) You really should lock your front door.
 * Nancy: I do lock it. But Lupita leaves it open so she doesn't have to dig for her keys. Drives me insane.
 * Celia: Their subtle revenge for having to clean our toilets.
 * Nancy: I still say, we got the better end of that deal.

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 * Nancy: (Reading flyer) What to do if you meet a mountain lion. Give the mountain lion some room. Don't make eye contact. Talk to the lion softly. Are you sure this isn't what to do if you want to date a mountain lion? Well, I have a lot to do, Celia, so...
 * Celia: Have you ever had sex with a woman?
 * Nancy: Excuse me?
 * Celia: I think I'd like to try it.
 * Nancy: With who?
 * Celia: Anyone. I don't care. I'm sick of men. Maybe I missed my calling. I mean, what if I was supposed to be a dyke, but just made a wrong turn by mistake. It would explain a hell of a lot. Here's the thing, I really wanna fuck around on Dean, but the thought of having to put one more cock in my mouth is just too depressing.
 * Nancy: I'm not sure a vagina would be any kind of improvement for you.
 * Celia: Maybe you're right. The truth is, pussy really skeeves me out. That whole mirror investigation thing we did when we were young, truly a rude awakening.

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 * Celia: You know, I read somewhere that killing small animals is the first sign of psychotic behavior. You should really tell the parents, they can rush that little sociopath into therapy before he starts tooling around Agrestic in a white van with blacked out windows.

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 * Celia: Have you ever had sex with a woman?
 * Nancy: None of your business
 * Celia: Oh come on, tell me
 * Nancy: Okay, I slept with a woman in college
 * Celia: How was it?
 * Nancy: Boring.
 * Celia: Well, maybe you didn't do it right.
 * Nancy: She said I was the best she'd ever had.
 * Celia: What are you doing Friday night?

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 * Doug: I'm in a databank?.... I'm in a databank?.... I'm in a databank?

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 * Silas: (Spray painted on the wall) I'm sorry. P.S. My maid thinks I fucked a smurf.

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 * Lupita: Doesn't smell like sage.
 * Nancy: Obviously menopause has affected your sense of smell.
 * Lupita: I don't smell with my coochie.

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 * Nancy: Shane, did you shoot the Elderman's cat?
 * Shane: What! No! I shot the mountain lion. Right in the eye.
 * Nancy: Why?
 * Shane: Because that's what Dad would've done.

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 * Celia: I haven't shit in 3 days. I'm like an African famine baby.

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 * Heylia: Oh hell no, you don't put weed in my cornbread!

Fashion of the Christ [1.4]

 * Andy: Know this, Lupita: until you love me, I've got enough love for the both of us.

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 * Andy: If there's one thing I learned about the Christ crowd, absolutely no sense of humor. Should've gone after the Jew market, least we can take a joke

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 * Heylia: Oou, listen to Betty Cracker.

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 * Doug: If you make something mediocre enough, you might even have a go at it.

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 * Maggie: Have you all seen these? They are all over the school. And as a Christian, I must say, I am deeply, deeply offended. It's profane.
 * PTA Mom 1: Has anyone talked to the principal about this?
 * Pam: Who's Chris?

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 * PTA Mom 1: Oh, we do not joke about our Lord Jesus Christ.
 * Nancy: (Laughs) It's a stupid t-shirt. We should ignore it.
 * Maggie: Only one man died for my sins, Nancy. And his name wasn't Chris.
 * Pam: Well, it sort of was, wasn't it? Like a nickname?

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 * Nancy: They wanted to suspend him.
 * Andy: For what? If Shane wants to believe in Chris, and they try to suspend him for it, Whoa! That's freedom of religion, that's like the first commandment; we could nail ‘em on that.
 * Nancy: I don't think Chris is protected under "Freedom of Religion," Andy. In fact, the Angry Christian Moms I heard from in the PTA were pretty offended by it.
 * Andy: Well that's so intolerant. I mean, what would Jesus do?

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 * Nancy: Not to mention the amount of shit I'm going to get from those Hypochristian bitch moms I'm going to get tomorrow.

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 * Nancy: You're the Candyman?
 * The "Candyman" : Yes, you getting any exercise?
 * Nancy: Excuse me?
 * The "Candyman" : If you're not committed to personal fitness, I can't in good conscience sell to you.
 * Nancy: I wouldn't say Heylia's in the best shape.
 * The "Candyman" : Heylia's a lazy fat-fat and I'm hoping to put her into a diabetic coma. So I have no problem selling to her.
 * Nancy: Why?
 * The "Candyman" : Scare her. Some people never learn until their life is on the line.

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 * The "Candyman" : You know what you are?
 * Nancy: What?
 * The "Candyman" : Skinny-fat. And what are we gonna do about that?
 * Nancy: We're gonna start exercising right away.
 * The "Candyman" : Don't humor me. I'm very serious. I used to weigh 314 pounds.
 * Nancy: Wow. Congratulations.
 * The "Candyman" : The key, exercise.
 * Nancy: You know, I'm not buying for personal use.
 * The "Candyman" : Are your customers just a bunch of Fatty McFat-Fats?
 * Nancy: Well they're smokers. But it stands to reason that if they eat rather than smoke, they can breathe easier should they decide to exercise.
 * The "Candyman" : That's a reasonable assumption.

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 * Andy: Hey pants.
 * Nancy: Please tell me I didn't hear that you had cyber sex with a 15 year old deaf girl.

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 * Andy: The way I see it is you're in way over your head here. You got a house, you got bills, you're a mommy. Dealing is a full time job. You need some help, Nancy Pants.
 * Nancy: Don't call me pants. Judah called me pants, not you.
 * Andy: Hey, I miss him too, Nancy. Whatever you think about me, Judah was my brother. And I loved him. And I have your back.

Lude Awakening [1.5]

 * Guidance Counselor: (Reading Shane's poetry/rap) My name is Shane/I bring the pain/ Up from the streets of Agrestic/Bitch, you don't wanna sweat this/I cap any motherfucker/You don't wanna test this/Be-
 * Shane: "Be-otch." I got rage in me. This is my way of venting.
 * Guidance Counselor: Well, you made a lot of people around this school very nervous.
 * Shane: Yeah? That's because they're a bunch of bitch ass white boys.
 * Guidance Counselor: I hate to break this to you, but you're also a bitch ass white boy.
 * Shane: Whatever, I don't care.
 * Guidance Counselor: I think you do care. A great deal.
 * Shane: Yeah, about what?
 * Guidance Counselor: You want approval from your peer group and when you don't get it, when they call you weirdo or Strange Botwin, then you wanna lash out. In this case, through your rap.
 * Shane: Yeah, that's it. I just wanna fit in. Can I go now?
 * Guidance Counselor: Shane you're here, because there's some concern that you might act on these emotions.
 * Shane: I'm not gonna cap any motherfuckers.
 * Guidance Counselor: How do I know that?
 * Shane: ‘Cause my therapist says I'm just acting out because my dad's dead.
 * Guidance Counselor: You may go.

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 * Insurance Man: With all due respect, sir, this is not the first time that a crate of carbonated beverages fell form a low flying Cessna and devastated a house.
 * Dean: You're kidding?

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 * Andy: Hey, Doug.
 * Doug: Hey, Randy.
 * Andy: Andy, it's Andy.
 * Doug: Oh really? I thought… It's not Randy? (Andy shakes his head) I've always thought of you as a Randy.
 * Andy: Pretty sure.
 * Doug: Hmm, wow. Okay.
 * Andy: Lookin' for Nancy?
 * Doug: Yeah, I am, is she around?
 * Andy: No, you can try her cell phone.
 * Doug: Oh no, no, she needs to sign some stuff, papers and things. (Hears television in background) Are you watching Incredihoes?
 * Andy: Ha, yeah.
 * Doug: Oh that's good. I started it 7 or 8 times, I've never seen the whole thing.
 * Andy: That's a strong endorsement.
 * Doug: It is. Oh… I don't suppose you'd let me watch with you, would ya?
 * Andy: That'd be kinda weird
 * Doug: Yeah, yeah, I guess you're right. Well, enjoy. Orgasmagirl's a squirter.
 * Andy: Hey hey hey, spoiler.
 * Doug: You know I've got about an 8th of Romula on me.
 * Andy: Come on in.

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 * Celia: High on Ludes. Queen of the Roller Disco. I could fuck against a wall with my skates on, no easy feat.

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 * Andy: Runway?
 * Doug: You know that little piece of skin that runs between your asshole and your balls, or asshole and vagina, that's called a runway.
 * Andy: That's called a taint, taint ass, taint equipment.
 * Doug: What the hell's that mean? No, I think "runway" is much more of a visual description.
 * Andy: It's a taint.
 * Doug: Runway.
 * Andy: This is a taint.
 * Doug: Runway.
 * Andy: Hey, Lupita, settle an argument for us. What do you call the thing between the dick and the asshole?
 * Lupita: The coffee table.

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 * Conrad: This for you Snowflake. This my special blend, I call this here Clark Kent. Just sniff this, right here. It's good, huh?! You smoke this shit and you just wanna rip your clothes off in a phone booth and fight crime. I'm serious!

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 * Heylia: Hey! Hey! Stop all that damn arguing, this is a house of peace. (Interrupted by gun shots and bullets) Everybody all right?
 * Vaneeta: Yeah
 * Conrad: Cool. Snowflake? Snowflake?
 * Vaneeta: She's in shock, slap her.
 * Conrad: I ain't slappin' no white woman.
 * Heylia: Move, I'll do it.
 * Nancy: No, I'm okay (in a very shaky voice)
 * Heylia: You sure?
 * Nancy: Yeah (sniff).
 * Heylia: all right, let's clean this shit up.
 * Nancy: (Giggling a little) Is somebody gonna call the police?
 * Heylia: Baby, that probably was the police.
 * Nancy: I'm gonna go. Wait, I need my keys.
 * Conrad: We got unsettled business, you haven't even talked to me about my car yet. How you gonna get your keys now?
 * Heylia: Boy! The girl just had her shootin' cherry broke, give her the keys.

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 * Heylia: Shit, white folks get soda pop, niggas get bullets.

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 * Andy: Yeah, I cook, you sell. Come on, Nanc. I don't mind you being out there in front, I'm totally liberated. It's me and you, babe, Team Botwin.
 * Nancy: Please leave.
 * Andy: I will, just as soon as you sign these papers. There's no water in this tub!
 * Nancy: I can't do this right now.
 * Andy: You have to. Doug says if you don't hurry, they're gonna put a vitamin store in there. And this town does not need more gingko biloba. It needs pot brownies. Come on, sign.
 * Nancy: Andy, today, it was brought to my attention that the down side of this business is death. So right now, I'm not thinking about the bakery, I'm thinking of enrolling in dental hygiene school so my children aren't orphans.
 * Andy: If anything happens to you, I will raise Silas and Shane as my own.
 * Nancy: (Laughs) Now I pledge never to die.
 * Andy: Well, we're gonna have to get a longer lease.
 * Nancy: This is my business. This has nothing to do with you. Go downstairs, do what you do best. Patrol the couch in your underwear.
 * Andy: Look, this is different. This is my moment. I was born to cook drugs.

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 * Maggie: Look who's here everyone! It's Celia.
 * Celia: Down, Maggie. I have cancer. I'm not retarded.

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 * Maggie: Celia, you can't smoke in here.
 * Celia: Because…?
 * Big Fun PTA Mom: Second hand smoke kills.
 * Maggie: Celia, did you bring your muffins?
 * Celia: I didn't feel like baking.
 * Maggie: None of us ever feels like baking.
 * Pam: I love baking.
 * Maggie: Except Pam. But, we do it anyway, for the sake of our children.
 * Celia: Oh, give me a break. You're raising money for a swim team. How much do swimming trunks cost anyway?
 * Pam: 18.95.
 * Celia: I'll tell you what, (hands Pam a 20) keep the change.
 * Maggie: So, we're really not getting the muffins, are we?
 * Celia: (Gets up to leave) I have in my hands the last pharmaceutical Quaalude on earth. See ya ladies.

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 * Cop: Sir, you do realize you just rolled through a stop sign?
 * Andy: Nice bike. Did your horse die?
 * Cop: Sir –
 * Andy: You must be in killer shape. Let me see your quads man.
 * Cop: May I see your driver's license and registration please.
 * Andy: When you arrest people do you ride ‘em in on your handlebars or do they just sit on the back with their arms around you?
 * Cop: Step out of the car.
 * Andy: Oh, come on. Seriously? I'm just having fun. You're a cop in bike shorts. It's adorable.
 * Cop: I have a gun.
 * Andy: Cool, I'm cool.

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 * Andy: You know, I don't think you're adorable anymore.

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 * Shane: I got sent to the school shrink. They'll probably be calling you.
 * Nancy: Oh, not again, why this time.
 * Shane: I wrote a gangster rap about killing Devon Rensler, with my Gat.

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 * Andy: Why didn't I just take off? The guy was on a bike for god's sake.
 * Nancy: ‘Cause you're stupid. So, Ms. Greenstein, wha-what happens now?
 * Ms. Greenstein: Incarceration, in a medium security prison for no longer than 10 years.
 * Andy: 10 years?
 * Ms. Greenstein: Joke! (Laughs) Listen up everybody, there's nothing to worry about. You're looking at a fine and, probably an anti-drug class.
 * Nancy: So, no jail time?
 * Ms. Greenstein: You've obviously never sat through an anti-drug class. You had less than an ounce on you, there's no jail for that.
 * Andy: Oh, that's bullshit.
 * Ms. Greenstein: I don't understand, that's good news.
 * Andy: I paid for a full ounce. They fuckin' cheated me.
 * Nancy: They fuckin' saved your ass from going to jail.
 * Ms. Greenstein: Still that's very un-cool. There used to be an unbroken spiritual bond between dealer and buyer. I feel your pain, Andrew, and I return it with a renewed sense of outrage.
 * Nancy: So less than an ounce is a misdemeanor?
 * Ms. Greenstein: That's only if the cop's an asshole. Most cops just let you go.
 * Nancy: What if the marijuana is in baked goods – say, candy or chocolate?
 * Ms. Greenstein: (Sing-songy) If you can eat it, you can beat it.
 * Nancy: What would get their attention?
 * Andy: If I sued ‘em, can I sue ‘em?
 * Ms. Greenstein: All right, you asked for it, you get it. The lay of the land. Marijuana currently exists in the legal gray area, it's not illegal to have weed, less than an ounce that is, Andrew, but it's illegal to buy it.
 * Nancy: What about growing?
 * Ms. Greenstein: Ah, botany. As long as it's not broken down, non-specific weight, we're talking a slap on the wrist, 3-5.
 * Nancy: Years?
 * Ms. Greenstein: Probation.
 * Nancy: So you can grow it, but you can't break it down?
 * Ms. Greenstein: Not unless you wanna go to jail or flee to Mexico. Or Canada. Canada rocks. Primo weed, reeeaaalllly good Chinese food.
 * Nancy: Do you have a card? Because you never know in my business when you might need a lawyer.
 * Ms. Greenstein: What's your business?
 * Nancy: I own a bakery.
 * Ms. Greenstein: Smart cover. Call anytime.

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 * Celia: Is your mom home?
 * Shane: Not yet, she went to bail uncle Andy out of jail.
 * Celia: Well, tell her I stopped by.
 * Shane: Okay… I like your jacket.
 * Celia: Well, thank you, Shane. Everyone thinks I've lost my mind.
 * Shane: Everyone thinks I'm weird.
 * Celia: Well, I can see how you might give that impression.
 * Shane: I really don't care what they think.
 * Celia: Good for you. Let your freak flag fly.
 * Shane: Really?
 * Celia: Really. I've recently stopped giving a shit what anyone thinks and I've gotta tell ya, I feel great.
 * Shane: But you have cancer.
 * Celia: And you have a dead father. Both of us make people really uncomfortable. There's no way around it. So we can feel all self-conscious and pretend everything's normal, or we can just be our strange selves.
 * Shane: Thanks, Mrs. Hodes.
 * Celia: For what?
 * Shane: For telling me the truth.
 * Celia: You're welcome. It's a bitch though, ain't it?

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 * Celia: I was thinking of going bigger.
 * Nancy: Bigger?
 * Celia: Really big. Like freak show big. 47 triple Fs. So large that other smaller breasts will want to orbit them.

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 * Nancy: I don't give a flying fuck if you do have cancer. Put your tits away in front of my kid.
 * Celia: Sorry. I took a lude.

Crush Girl Love Panic [2.06]

 * Andy: What are they teaching you at school?
 * Shane: [Sarcastically] Like how to pass the standardised tests to give the school more funding.

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 * Celia: Why do gay men hate women so much?
 * Gay Stylist: Because we all had mothers like you!

Sh*t Highway [3.04]

 * Drill sergeant: Get your corn holly shit shit-stained asses over here!
 * Andy Botwin: What's with all the...recurring homophobic imagery? I'm starting to worry about this guy.

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 * Celia Hodes: Doug, what's your take on this Majestic proposal?
 * Doug Wilson: Basically, Majestic's overflowing a river of crap. It's got no place to go, but through us. Like a fiscal colonic. We got them by the sphincter. Shit highway could be our road to riches.

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 * Sullivan Groff: [Of a french restaurant chain]Same menu, same framed posters, same smell. It has a certain ... comforting predictability to it.

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 * [Silas meets the returning character of PTO Pam in his community service]
 * Silas Botwin: Mrs. Gruber?
 * Pam Gruber: Silas!
 * Pam Gruber: Did you know that if you drink and take Ambien, you can randomly blackout and run your car onto a boulder?
 * Pam Gruber: [points to a fellow community service worker] Who's that cute Latino guy?
 * Pam Gruber: [when Silas ignores her] It's so hot! Why don't you take your shirt off?
 * Silas Botwin: I'm fine.
 * Pam Gruber: You have nothing to be ashamed of, you're...you're young and lean like ostrich meat.
 * Silas Botwin: Have you been drinking, Mrs. Gruber?
 * Pam Gruber: Don't tell! Anyway, it isn't illegal unless you're behind the wheel of a car, is it?
 * Silas Botwin: I guess not!
 * Pam Gruber: [suddenly leans up to Silas and whispers in his ear] I'm wet!
 * [Silas goes back to work with a bewildered look]

Bill Sussman [3.05]

 * Nancy: [scrubbing blood out of her car] I'm pretty sure something even more heinous is gonna happen to me, because that just seems to be the way it rolls! I really think I'm finding myself. [pulls off a rubber glove] Look at my hand. Nerves of steel!
 * Andy: Pretty steady.
 * Nancy: That's what I'm talking about.
 * Andy: Well, this is all good. Meanwhile, a reconnaissance drone killed my battle buddy, and I'm going to die. I know too much. I was hoping for a shower, maybe a little nap. Um... [watches Nancy viciously wash the car] But you obviously are having a slow psychotic breakdown, so I'll just ask, do you have any money?
 * Nancy: No, I don't. [laughs] I have a backseat full of blood. I have two license plates I may have to remove. I have an assistant's job that a monkey could do. I have a death wish. You're welcome to any of those sparkly gems.

Grasshopper [3.06]

 * Andy: [after Nancy tells him to cater a party] I don't remember volunteering my services. Maybe I have plans tomorrow. Maybe I have a play date. [Nancy grabs him]
 * Nancy: You live here for free.
 * Andy: Yes.
 * Nancy: You eat my food. You wipe your ass with my toilet paper. I don't have to ask you shit.

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 * Shane: Can you convince Mom that I'm better off sitting home all summer than stuck in a classroom full of religious zealots proselytizing a form of fundamentalism that's two clicks away from jihad?

He Taught Me How to Drive-By [3.07]

 * Shane: Do you really think evolution is a lie?
 * Tara: Well, I believe that I'm descended from Adam and Eve, and not a monkey.
 * Shane: So, natural selection, Darwinism, empirical data, none of that factors in for you?
 * Tara: Evolution is just a theory. I mean that's why they call it the Theory of Evolution and not the Fact of Evolution.
 * Shane: Oh, what about-
 * Silas: Hey, you asked your question. Now, shut the fuck up.
 * Nancy: Silas, don't swear at your brother. Shane, don't antagonize Tara. Tara, keep saving it for the Lord! Where the fuck's Andy?

The Two Mrs. Scottsons [3.08]

 * Nancy: Doug, you're cooking in my kitchen. There's a reason for that?
 * Doug: Andy's on set. I'm helping him out.
 * Nancy: Oh, that's nice. [picks up an envelope on the counter]
 * Doug: Oh, that's from the tall one. Leif Garretty, "Blue Lagoon"-ish?
 * Nancy: Silas?
 * Doug: Yeah. Said you were out of weed, then he took off with a blonde. Tiny tits, big cross?
 * Nancy: Tara.
 * Doug: And your other one. Big vocab, creepy eyes?
 * Nancy: Shane.
 * Doug: He's outside with what's-her-name. Celia's dyke.
 * Nancy: Isabelle.

Cankles [3.11]

 * Celia: Did you know that we're poor? We're really poor.
 * Isabelle: Maybe we should cut down on our liquor purchases.
 * Celia: Oh, no. All the poor drink. Yeah, I saw the poor this morning. They all had bottles in paper bags. That's what I need... A paper bag.
 * Dean: Wonderful idea. You could put your bottle in it and then vomit in it when you're done.
 * Celia: I don't vomit from drinking. I vomit when I think about my life.

Protection [3.14]

 * [Eve Meriweather tells Conrad she goes door-to-door to ask neighbors about any suspicious behavior]''
 * Conrad: Uh, what is it I'm supposed to be looking out for?
 * Eve Meriweather: Oh, why our cross, of course. [hands him over an article from the newspaper]
 * Conrad: Someone stole your cross?
 * Eve Meriweather: Yes.
 * Conrad: That is a damn shame. Who would do something like that?
 * Eve Meriweather: Jews.
 * Conrad: Hmm, I haven't seen it. Haven't seen many Jews around here, either.
 * Eve Meriweather: Well, they're mostly urban.

<hr width="50%"/>
 * [Vaneeta, who carries her baby, approaches Celia's rented drug grow house and stumbles into Eve Meriweather]
 * Eve Meriweather: Well, look at him. Hello, baby. Uh...why are little black babies always so adorable?
 * Vaneeta: Why are white babies always so ugly?

<hr width="50%"/>
 * [Conrad tries to say goodbye and close the door, but Eve Meriweather stops the door and shoves her head inside]
 * Eve Meriweather: [with a wicked smile] See you all in church, I hope...
 * Conrad Shepard: Sure. Church. Praise the lord.
 * Vaneeta: Hallelujah.
 * [Eve Meriweather leaves singing to herself and with her hand raised in victory]

Go [3.15]

 * Isabelle Hodes: She's got a great ass, your mom.
 * Shane Botwin: Don't be gross.

<hr width="50%"/>
 * Fireman: [upon entering Conrad's grow-house] Holy shit! I think they shot "Peckers of the Caribbean" here!

<hr width="50%"/>
 * [at the evacuation center]
 * Doug Wilson: [playing a banjo and singing around a christian group that reaches ecstasy in their prayers against the fire] The Jesus freaks are singing, the Jesus freaks are singing, the Jesus freaks are all singing. They're annoying, self-righteous and lame. [imitates their ecstasy] Everybody, come on, all together.

<hr width="50%"/>
 * [Captain Roy Till investigates Sullivan Groff about the discovered grow house that is under his name]
 * Sullivan Groff: My company bought it, and then I gave it to Celia.
 * Captain Roy Till: Now, why would you give this Celia person a house, Mr. Groff?
 * Sullivan Groff: Because she was my lover. And it was good. And she was getting a divorce, and she wanted a house. But I couldn't put it in her name because the divorce hadn't gone through yet. The power of passion makes you do crazy things. Captain Till, is it?
 * Captain Roy Till: Okay, so you buy her a house, and I assume you're fucking her in said house, she of the magical house-earning pussy - did you not notice the many marijuana plants that were growing in her living room?
 * Sullivan Groff: Well, we broke up a few weeks ago, so she must have started growing it right after that. You know, it's funny. I would have never pegged her as the drug-dealing type. She's a very complicated woman.
 * Captain Roy Till: Jesus, Groff, if I let you stick your finger up my ass, can I get a porsche?

<hr width="50%"/>
 * Guillermo: [talking about the fire he stared] And it goes like that, just over and over, all the way south to Mexico. [nods his head forward]
 * Nancy Botwin: [whispering to his ear] You're facing west.
 * Guillermo: See, I could use you. You tell me which way is south. [rubbing against her] You be my navigator.
 * Nancy Botwin: Hand off the ass.

<hr width="50%"/>
 * [at the evacuation center]
 * Doug Wilson: [walking around people playing a guitar and singing] Well, this is just like the Superdome except no rape or piles of human waste. It's still not quite like home even though we got wi-fi, some cookies and toothpaste. Yeah, it's just like the Superdome 'cept everyone's white and middle-class. We got some yoga people chanting, oh, there's lots of Gatorade and toilet paper to wipe our ass. This is just like the Superdo-doh-ome.

<hr width="50%"/>
 * News anchor: Apparently, a religious group chanting "Jesus will protect us" forced their way into the burning house in an attempt to rescue the Majestic cross. Now those members are being treated at a nearby hospital for minor burns and smoke inhalation. [turns to face a gurney bound Tara] Can you tell us why you ran into a burning house?
 * Tara Lindman: The Lord told us to go.
 * Silas Botwin: [watching the news] Okay, I'm over her.

<hr width="50%"/>
 * [after her rented grow house is discovered, Celia is called in for questioning, but the detectives just stare at her quietly]
 * Celia Hodes: Nancy Botwin.

Mother Thinks the Birds Are After Her [4.1]

 * Nancy: [looking at Bubbie sleeping] Jesus, time is cruel. We should start taking fish oil.
 * Andy: And green tea.
 * Shane: Yeah, 'cause that'll totally reverse the effects of 90-plus years of life. Get real. It's all downhill from 30 on.
 * Andy: Shut up!
 * Nancy: Be quiet. [Silas walks in] What did they say?
 * Silas: That the nurse was fired a month ago. Said a family member called and said he was taking over her care.
 * Andy: Oh, shit, family member? No, no, no. Forget this. I'm leaving.
 * Nancy: Oh, no, wait. We don't know for sure. Don't you have cousins? Isn't he on a riverboat somewhere?
 * Andy: He probably sunk it. It's him. I know it's him. Look. Look around. Paintings missing from the wall. All right, here we go. Tchotchkes missing. Bubbie's watching the World Poker Tour? [looks in the fridge] Ah! Look. [holds up boxed wine] He's here.

<hr width="50%"/>
 * Lenny: Excuse me. who the hell are you, bursting in here like this and telling me how to take care of Grandma? With Not-Francie, no less.
 * Shane: Who?
 * Lenny: It's your mother. Never mind.
 * Shane: Her name is Nancy.
 * Andy: He knows that. He just won't say it.
 * Silas: Who's Francie?
 * Lenny: That's the woman your father should've married.

<hr width="50%"/>
 * Andy: Why are you always such a prick to me?
 * Lenny: I'm just not sure you're mine, so I keep an emotional distance.
 * Andy: If only that were true and I wasn't looking at the Ghost of Hanukkah Future, fighting the urge to throw myself off a cliff.

Lady's a Charm [4.2]

 * Lenny: [complaining to his grandchildren about how Andy was as a child] I asked that prick over there to pedal his little bicycle, which I bought him, up to Del Mar and throw down $100 on a sure thing.
 * Andy: Father of the year.
 * Lenny: What the fuck does he do? He pockets it. Goes out and buys himself some Star Trek piece of shit.
 * Andy: It was Boba Fett.
 * Lenny: I don't even know what that means!

The Whole Blah Damn Thing [4.3]

 * [while in the back of the van discussing pulling the plug on Bubbe}
 * Silas: Yeah, sure, death is no big deal and life is just blah blah blah.
 * Andy: Look Silas, life is just blah blah blah. You hope for blah, and sometimes you find it; but mostly it's blah, and waiting for blah, and hoping you were right about the blahs you made. And then, just when you think you have the whole blah damn thing figured out and you're surrounded by the ones you blah, death shows up. And blah, blah, blah…

Three Coolers [4.4]

 * (Doug walks into the kitchen and opens the refrigerator)
 * Doug: What happened to all the cheese?
 * Lenny: Is that her pimp?
 * Shane: My mom is not a prostitute!
 * Lenny: Well she's definitely a criminal of some kind. Did she rob a bank?
 * Shane: No!
 * Lenny: A Costco?
 * Shane: No!
 * Lenny: Is she a coke dealer?
 * Shane: Um...no. (Doug walks back into the kitchen and opens the refrigerator)
 * Doug: What happened to all the cheese?
 * Lenny: Weed! Your mothers a weed dealer!!
 * Shane: Give me back her money.

No Man Is Pudding [4.5]

 * Doug: Hey, dude. What's going on?
 * Shane: [Silas is putting is grow-house in his room] Teenage rebellion.
 * Doug: Fuck, yeah! Stick it to the old people.
 * Shane: What are you doing here?
 * Doug: Eating cereal.
 * Shane: I mean, why are you here in our house, Mr. Wilson? Where's your family?
 * Doug: My family left me, buddy. My life's a toilet. These corn flakes, they're old. My asshole is on fire. I hate myself. You happy now?

<hr width="50%"/>
 * Nancy: [looks around the table at everyone, who are all injured in some way] So... [laughs] We've had a trying couple of weeks. We lost our homes. A Bubbie. But we have this food. This lovely roof over our heads, recent bee infestation excluded, which my father-in-law has offered up at a ridiculously inflated price. I've had a particularly challenging last 24 hours. But... Ah... But in the drive-through at Popeyes I found myself saying, "Family combo, please." And it was a moment of clarity. What I mean to say is, I was thinking of you today. All of you. Andy, I think in the past I've dismissed you as being the kind of guy you couldn't really count on and I was wrong. You've been a rock to this family. We need you. Andy's friends, I'd like to welcome you to our country. I hope you get to stay. Keep a low profile. Blend. Shane, I've been unavailable to you and that's rotten. I will be more present. Silas, you've taken on more responsibility in a time of upheaval and it's been admirable. We still need to talk about the GED. Doug, I'm sorry. You and Dana are having problems. But you need to find a place of your own to live. And you need to seek medical attention. And finally, maybe, um... possibly... Wow. I owe an apology to the woman to my right. I left her holding a very big bag. It was not my finest hour. I'm sorry Celia. All of us are sorry.

Little Boats [4.9]

 * Doug: [to old woman in bar] Listen, you cock-juggling thunder cunt...

<hr width="50%"/>
 * El Coyote: [pointing a gun at Andy] It is time to pay, cabrón.
 * Andy: [to Doug] That's the bad coyote belt-stealer guy. The one who tried to rape Reyna and stab me in the neck.
 * Doug: I pictured him taller.

<hr width="50%"/>
 * El Coyote: [pointing a gun at Andy] I will shoot your knee and shoot your balls. I will shoot your belly...and feed you to the sewer rats.
 * Doug: Does that mean that I can go?

<hr width="50%"/>
 * Doug: I'm a sidekick, Andy. I'm a sad and lonely sidekick. I'm Andrew Ridgeley.
 * Andy: What? He's the other guy in Wham! The guy who doesn't blow people in public bathrooms. He had a solo album. I never bought it, but...
 * Doug: I bought it, Andy. It sucked.
 * Raul: "El Andy"...this is the woman your depressed amigo [Doug] searches for?
 * Doug: People don't even talk to sidekicks. It's like I'm not even here.
 * Andy: That's the one, Raul.
 * Raul: We will help the sad, tall, angry, baby man find her.

The Love Circle Overlap [4.10]

 * Doug: [to Maria (Mermex)] You're gonna love this country. The land of freedom and opportunity. And...[turns it on] air conditioning. Ah, do you like that? That's the cool breeze of freedom right there.

<hr width="50%"/>
 * Andy: [trying to plea the Minute-Man Leader to lower his gun] Do you see this girl here? This is the love of his life.
 * [Doug nods in agreement]
 * Andy: She's the woman that he's gonna marry.
 * Doug: Whoa, whoa, rushing things a bit, Andy, be cool.

<hr width="50%"/>
 * Minute-Man Leader: [about the smuggled Mexicans] Wait, give me one...so my day is not a total loss.
 * Andy: "Give you one"?! These are people!
 * Doug: Just, just give him the guy that hugged me, he's annoying. Hombre, up and go. Let's go. Here, come on. Let's go. Out. [the Mexican runs away as soon as Doug pulls him out of the car]
 * Minute-Man Leader: [to Doug] Get the fuck out of here! [laughs in joy as he heads off with his gun to chase the Mexican]

Head Cheese [4.11]

 * [after Maria (Mermex) doesn't want to have sex with him]
 * Doug: It's bullshit. I spent 25 years with a woman who didn't put out. I deserve some.
 * Andy: It's been one day.
 * Doug: And a half.

<hr width="50%"/>
 * Andy: [about Maria (Mermex)] Look, she's probably scared. I mean, she's totally out of her element. Make her feel comfortable.
 * Doug: How do I do that?
 * Andy: You talk to her.
 * Doug: Okay. Alright. Talk to her. About what?
 * Andy: About anything. On the way over here, we had great talks. She grew up in an orphanage. Start there.
 * Doug: She's an orphan?
 * Andy: Yeah.
 * Doug: Sweet. Daddy issues. Age difference should work in my favor.

<hr width="50%"/>
 * [after Doug doesn't care he accidentally stepped on a sand castle]
 * Kid: You're a bad man.
 * Doug: You're a bad castle builder.

<hr width="50%"/>
 * Celia: [to her drug rehab group] We're all like one big, wonderful, dysfunctional family, and I love you guys.

<hr width="50%"/>
 * Drug rehab secretary: We ran your insurance info a few times, and it's not exactly accurate.
 * Celia: What seems to be the problem?
 * Drug rehab secretary: You don't have any. The policy number you gave us belongs to an individual who is deceased...and Korean.

<hr width="50%"/>
 * [to the drug rehab secretary about not having insurance]
 * Celia: Don't you have a work program? I could do...dishes, landscaping...
 * Drug rehab secretary: I'm sorry, Celia. What we pay our help in a year won't cover a week here.

<hr width="50%"/>
 * Maria (Mermex): He is a terrible man.
 * Andy: What? Doug? Come on. He's a great guy.
 * Maria (Mermex): He is a criminal.
 * Andy: He's an accountant.
 * Maria (Mermex): A thief, who has abandoned his wife and family and wants to make me his whore.
 * Andy: A CPA with legal problems who's going through a divorce and is wildly in love with you.
 * Maria (Mermex): He has warts on his genitals.
 * Andy: Yeah, I got nothing to that.

Till We Meet Again [4.12]

 * Celia: I thought I had hit bottom. But after hearing your stories, I realize it could be so much worse. The truth is, none of you have *any* chance in *hell* of ever pulling your lives back together, if you even had lives to begin with. As I have listened to your tales of burning wreckage and shattered existence, I realize that I...am the only one here that has any chance at all - a chance to make amends...and to start over...fresh.
 * Drug rehab's group counselor: [after Celia leaves] Stupid-ass bitch.

<hr width="50%"/>
 * Maria (Mermex): [grabs Andy's naked crotch] You are excited.
 * Andy: No, no. It's just windy out.
 * Maria (Mermex): I do not think it is the wind.
 * Andy: [trying to resist himself as she kisses her way down] Lou Dobbs. Lou Dobbs. Lou Dobbs. Lou Dobbs. Lou Dobbs. Lou Dobbs. Lou Dobbs!

<hr width="50%"/>
 * Doug: As soon as we figure out our next venture, I want to get a bigger place. I'm thinking generic mexican pharmaceuticals. Sell them to old people with no insurance. What do you think?

<hr width="50%"/>
 * Andy: [after confessing to Doug of having sex with Maria] It will never happen again.
 * Maria (Mermex): [to Andy] It will. It will happen many times.

<hr width="50%"/>
 * Celia: [to her daughter] And I'm sorry for the massive body issues I have given you. And I'm sorry for judging your lifestyle choice. If you want to love the ladies, love those ladies. Vagina power! I'll buy you a big strap-on for Hanukkah.

Wonderful Wonderful [5.1]

 * Andy: [getting a phone call from Celia's kidnapper] Hello?... Yeah, I know Celia... We're all gonna die. What does that mean anyway? Life is cheap, people die and people have babies... Everyday they're having babies! What's with that? Kidnapper man, I mean, women in their forty's are having babies, doesn't that seem weird to you?... What? No, I'm not gonna pay the ransom... Allo?... Rude.

<hr width='50%'>
 * Nancy: [a phone call wakes her up] Hello?
 * Rudolpho: I have your friend.
 * Nancy: What? Who is this? What friend?
 * Rudolpho: Your friend Celia. I have her and you pay me money or she dies.
 * Nancy: Celia?
 * Rudolpho: Celia Hodes! I have kidnapped her and today I chop off her ear.
 * Nancy: How Van Gogh.
 * Rudolpho: What? You send me $40,000 or I'll do it!
 * Nancy: That's too early for this, we're really not friends.
 * Rudolpho: Okay, $30,000... [Nancy hangs up]

<hr width='50%'>
 * Nancy: It's so wonderful wonderful.
 * Andy: What?
 * Nancy: You once said that to me.

Perro Insano [5.10]

 * Dr. Audra Kitson: Name one jazz musician.
 * Andy: [pauses, thinking] ...Dr. Teeth.

Ducks and Tigers [5.11]
(Talking to Shane)
 * Nancy: You are not having anymore beer, that was a special occasion... You got shot.

(Playing Lawn Darts with 'The Newlyweds') <hr width='50%'>
 * Silas: Weren't Lawn Darts banned?
 * Esteban: When you boys are finished crying it's your turn.
 * Silas: (To Shane) He's taunting us.
 * Shane: He's trying to act like a father. (Silas starts picking up the Darts) Father's taunt...when we went jogging Dad told me I was so slow Stephen Hawking could beat me in a foot-race. Then he collapsed, puked twice and died. (Shane laughs and looks up) Who's the better jogger now? (Silas gives him a concerned look)

Glue [5.12]

 * Driver: Some idiot is standing in front of the car.

(Andy waves through the windscreen)
 * Nancy: Oh that's no idiot that's my...actually you're right.

(Car door opens and Andy gets in)
 * Andy: (out of breath) I was parking when you were pulling away and I was all 'Hey, Nancy!' but you couldn't hear me so I started running which is harder then it looks.
 * '''Driver: Should I keep driving?
 * Nancy: Yes
 * '''Andy: Yeah, sure. On a bit of a buzz here, adrenaline rush or anticipation. I'm a man on a mission Nance, a man with a plan. What could that plan be? she asks herself intrigued yes, perhaps even captivated by the-
 * '''Nancy: Shut. Up
 * Andy: (short pause) Okay here it goes-
 * Nancy: You never listen-
 * Andy: I listen-
 * Nancy: You don't.

(they talk over each other)
 * Andy: I trying to tell you something big that's happening in my life.
 * Nancy: Major event for Andy? You going to Candy Mountain?
 * Andy: Does it always have to be about you?

All About My Mom [5.13]

 * Andy: Hey, I know all the best rehabs. I'm totally addicted to that show Intervention.

<hr width='50%'>
 * Shane: A croquet mallet; I couldn't find a golf club.