Welcome Back, Kotter

Welcome Back, Kotter (1975–1979) was an American sitcom, airing on ABC, about a compassionate teacher who returns to the inner city high school of his youth to teach a new generation of troublemaking kids.

The Great Debate [1.01]

 * Kotter: Just think of a debate as sort of a, um, rumble with words.
 * Vinnie: You mean like, 'Up your nose with a garden hose?'


 * Freddie: This coat was worn at the famous Lincoln-Douglas debate.
 * Kotter: This coat was worn at the famous Lincoln-Douglas debate?
 * Freddie: I wore this coat when my father, Lincoln, beat the daylights out of my brother, Douglas!

Basket Case [1.02]

 * Vinnie: You scratch my back, I scratch yours.
 * Kotter: I can't do that. You see, my wife has an exclusive on my entire body. She'd be disturbed if I came home with a pre-scratched back.


 * Kotter: Do I look like Miss Fishbeck, the art teacher?
 * Epstein: Only around the moustache.

Welcome Back [1.03]

 * Kotter: James Buchanan is not anywhere. It's in Bensonhurst, which is in Brooklyn, which is where I spent four degenerate years as a student. You know how rough that is? The gangs there don't use guns. They insert the bullets manually.


 * Epstein: Hey, look, we can't stay long, we got a cab waiting downstairs.
 * Kotter: You took a cab?
 * Epstein: We're gonna give it back.
 * Kotter: You stole a cab?
 * Vinnie: No, no, no, no. It's Horshack's father's cab. You can't steal a guy's father's cab. You can't.
 * Horshack: Then why'd we tie him up, Vinnie?

Whodunit? [1.04]

 * Kotter: So nobody did it. I think we should put a candle in the window, because the last time this happened, three wise men came from the east.


 * [Kotter comes in the class after the bell rings]
 * Vinnie: You're late.
 * Freddie: That's your fourth tardy this semester.
 * Epstein: Did you bring a note from your mommy? [Horshack laughs]
 * Gabe: Boy, what an honor, in my class, all four Marx brothers: Wacko, Stupo, Jerko, and Dummo.

The Election [1.05]

 * Vinnie: I feel like this is just the beginning. Today, Buchanan, tomorrow, who knows? Governor Barbarino, Senator Barbarino, Emperor Barbarino! [Sweathogs cheer] You know, Julius Caesar was an Italian.


 * Kotter: Vinnie's not the first Sweathog who ever ran.
 * Woodman: No, that's right. Back in 1962, Jerry Slater was disqualified for stuffing the ballot box... with his opponent.

No More Mister Nice Guy [1.06]

 * Kotter: Can anybody tell me who settled New Jersey?
 * Horshack: Ooh! Ooh ooh! Is New Jersey settled?
 * Kotter: Arnold, New Jersey's been settled for more than 250 years.
 * Epstein: Ha! You never been to Newark on a Saturday night!


 * Woodman: Now today, we will discuss the Revolutionary War. Now, who can tell me where that war started? Mr. Washington?
 * Freddie: Right. [whispers to Kotter] What's the answer?
 * Kotter: [whispering] Lexington and--
 * Freddie: Right. [stands up, clears throat] Lexington Avenue. Probably near 129th Street, by that barbecue, man. It's a tough neighborhood. A lot of wars went on over there.

Classroom Marriage [1.07]

 * Vinnie: You're not our friend. You're nothing but a teacher.
 * Kotter: Why can't I be your teacher and your friend?
 * Epstein: It don't work that way, Kotter. You see, in this vast universe of ours, people are divided into two groups, us and them. You're them.


 * Woodman: The world is divided into two parts--us and them. They're them! And come to think of it, you're them too.
 * Kotter: Yeah? Well, thank you. [in Groucho voice] That's the nicest remark I ever hoid.

One of Our Sweathogs Is Missing [1.08]

 * Kotter: Maybe Epstein has decided that there's more to being a man that winning or losing a fight. That manliness is not measured by the amount of macho a guy's got.
 * Horshack: Right you are, Mr. Kotter! I get along without any macho at all.
 * Vinnie: Yeah, I'm holdin' it for him till he gets older.


 * Epstein: I ain't goin' to class, man. I ain't never goin' to class.
 * Kotter: Where you goin' then?
 * Epstein: I don't know, uh, into the religious life.
 * Kotter: Brother Epstein, huh? I can see the headlines: 'Puerto Rican Jew enters monastery, becomes the first 'Schlamonk'.'

Mr. Kotter, Teacher [1.09]

 * Kotter: You went to the library where they keep the books?
 * Vinnie: Yeah. And for three whole days we spent lookin' up what you call legal 'presidents'.


 * Kotter: I'm a teacher. That's what it says on my locker, "Mr. Kotter, teacher." And I'm teaching a bunch of students called Sweathogs. Now, contrary to popular opinion, Sweathogs are not dumb. I mean, a dumb person does not think of a way to make it rain in the gymnasium.
 * Vinnie: I did that.

The Reunion [1.10]

 * Lyle: Gabe, all through school I wanted to be a Sweathog, but dirt never stuck to me. I was... too perfect.
 * Mary Frances: It's lovely being perfect.
 * Lyle: It's boring being perfect. It's boring being rich. I have five boring bedrooms.
 * Mary Frances: Am I included in those five boring bedrooms?
 * Lyle: Mary Frances, no one has a headache for seven years!


 * Kotter: I have a bad case of Lyle Flannigan.
 * Freddie: When did you first notice that something was wrong with your Flannigan?

Barbarino's Girl [1.11]

 * [Kotter asks Freddie where his report card is]
 * Freddie: My momma's got it, you dig? Yeah!
 * Kotter: I dig it! Didn't she sign it?
 * Freddie: Heh, no. She just took it in her left hand, and then she hit me upside my head with her right. See, man, and then, and then, she threw a chair at me. And then she tried to cave my back in with a TV set!
 * Kotter: All right, all right, have your father sign it.
 * Freddie: You crazy? He's the one with the bad temper!


 * Judy: You know, Vinnie, you're so low, you could crawl under a pregnant ant!
 * Kotter: That's a good one, Vinnie.
 * Vinnie: Oh, yeah? Well, listen, Blimpo, you better watch yourself, or I'll let the air out of your dress.
 * Kotter: Hey, Judy, I understand there's three kids in your family...one of each. Barbarino, I understand when you was born, they took one look at your face and then they turned you over and said, "Hey, look, twins."

California Dreamin [1.12]

 * Kotter: What's your first name?
 * Bambi: It's Bambi. [giggling] But, uh, my friends call me Sunshine.
 * Freddie: Well, uh, let the sunshine in, darlin'!


 * Bambi: Didn't we live together in another life?
 * Epstein: Oh...oh, I would have remembered that!
 * Bambi: [giggling] Oh, he's magic!
 * Kotter: Yeah, maybe one day he'll disappear.

Arrividerci, Arnold [1.13]

 * Kotter: Has it occurred to any of you that by trying to help Horshack, you're hurting him? You're not giving him a chance to prove himself outside the Sweathogs. You gotta let him try and make new friends.
 * Vinnie: Something wrong with his old friends?
 * Epstein: Yeah, you couldn't give friends like us away.
 * Kotter: You got a point there, Epstein.


 * Freddie: [to Horshack] You know, I never really thought I would miss you, but you sort of grow on a guy... like mold.

The Longest Weekend [1.14]

 * Vinnie: I happen to know this girl. She's a little too, uh, old for me. She's nineteen. But believe me, she's ready to trot!
 * Kotter: Ready to trot?
 * Vinnie: Yeah.
 * Kotter: Then take her out to Yonkers Raceway.


 * Epstein: Well, you had your little fun, now, Arnold. Now you're gonna fold, right?
 * Horshack: Ep-stine, I think it's high time I made a stand! [stands up]
 * Epstein: Horshack!
 * Horshack: I fold! [sits back down]

The Sit-In [1.15]

 * Vinnie: I got my own idea of what God is like: I know he's a sharp dresser, and he's good-looking, and of course he's Italian.
 * Freddie: Yeah? Well, if you ask me, all that stuff about harps is a lot of jive. God is backed up by a jazz rhythm section. He got a piano, a bass guitar, and a drummer with a good right foot.


 * Kotter: Hello, Arnold. Haven't you noticed you're wearing a green plastic bag?
 * Horshack: I'm disguised as a green bean.
 * Kotter: [in deep voice] Ho, ho, ho...and how are things in the valley, Little Sprout?
 * Horshack: [in high-pitched voice] Fine and dandy, Jolly Green Giant! How's your niblets?

Follow The Leader (1) [1.16]

 * Julie: [to Kotter about the Sweathogs] They're not students, they're inmates! And you are the head cuckoo!


 * Freddie: You're the leader of the Sweathogs, right?
 * Vinnie: Am I the leader of the Sweathogs? Is a bear Catholic? Does the Pope live in the woods?

Follow The Leader (2) [1.17]

 * Kotter: Epstein, what are the advantages of the two-party system?
 * Epstein: Oh, that's an easy one. In the two-party system, you get to go to two kinds of parties... two kinds of dancin', two kinds of chip dip, and two kinds of hopin' you'll, uh, make out.

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 * Horshack: A woman is a sometime thing.
 * Epstein: She'll take your heart and give it a fling.
 * Horshack: But when true love runs off its course...
 * Epstein: Then she'll sue you for divorce.

Dr. Epstein, I Presume [1.18]

 * Kotter: All right, Epstein, come on. Let's have it so we can get to work.
 * Epstein: What?
 * Kotter: One of your famous notes that'll read something like, 'Please excuse Juan for being late. He was kidnapped by the jet set and left tied up on a lawn in Hyannis Port.' Signed...
 * Sweathogs: Epstein's mother!

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 * Ms. Helms: Mr. Epstein just doesn't have the numbers! I have no other answer for him!
 * Kotter: Yeah? Well, I have an answer for you, lady—up your nose with your computer hose! And twice as far with a chocolate bar!

One Flu Over The Cuckoo's Nest [1.19]

 * Kotter: What would have happened if George Washington quit, huh? If Abraham Lincoln quit? What would have happened if Murray Cornfeld quit?
 * Freddie: I ain't never heard of no Murray Cornfeld!
 * Kotter: You know why you never heard of him? 'Cause he quit!

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 * Woodman: [about Kotter and the Sweathogs] They do a lot of pretending in that class. They pretend to be students; he pretends to be a teacher.

The Telethon [1.20]

 * Epstein: Hey, I got an idea, listen to this. ISB.
 * Kotter: ISB?
 * Epstein: In-School Betting. Yeah. It's about time we get bettin' off the streets, into the school here, where it belongs! [Sweathogs cheer]
 * Kotter: Are you kiddin'? I'll lay you 5-2 that'll never happen.
 * Freddie: I'll take that bet.

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 * Kotter: Julie, baby, did I ever tell you about my uncle Ben?
 * Julie: No. Did he make rice?

Kotter Makes Good [1.21]

 * Horshack: An integer is a counting number. If the sequence is 1,2; 2,3; 3,4; etc., the integer is apparent.
 * Kotter: It's apparent to who?
 * Horshack: So find the value of 'X'?
 * Kotter: 'X'? I don't know.
 * Horshack: Right! 'X' is unknown! So what's 'Y'?
 * Kotter: 'Y'?
 * Vinnie: Where?

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 * [Epstein and Freddie bring the blackboard from the class into the Kotters' apartment]
 * Kotter: You guys can't do things like this. It's against the law. It's robbery! It's five to ten!
 * Epstein: [holding an alarm clock] Nah, it's ten to ten.
 * Freddie: Hey, besides, we tend to think of it as... creative borrowing.

Father Vinnie [1.22]

 * Vinnie: You know, Mr. Kotter, prayer is good for you.
 * Kotter: Oh, I know that, Vinnie, I know. I prayed all morning, the whole time I was on the subway comin' to work. I prayed that we'd get to my stop before the two guys who were kickin' the conductor noticed me.

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 * Freddie: [to Vinnie] You got as much chance being a priest as I do gettin' the lead in the school production of Snow White.
 * Epstein: Yeah, and Freddie was the best one who read for the part. But, me and Horshack, see, we're still up for dwarfs.
 * Horshack: Yeah. Guess who's gonna play Dopey?
 * Kotter: If I was casting, I'd have a rough time choosing.

Inherit The Halibut [2.02]

 * Freddie: We're gonna take all this money, we're gonna put it in the bank. We're gonna all be typhoons.
 * Kotter: That's, uh, tycoons.
 * Freddie: No, typhoons. 'Cause at the end of the year, we gonna all blow it!

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 * Kotter: Epstein, take the stand.
 * Epstein: Do I gotta?
 * Kotter: That's right. This court does not recognize notes from your mother.

Sweatside Story [2.03]

 * Kotter: [to Carvelli] Hey! Enough of this lip service here. I came here for some action! Who's the first guy that wants to lose control of his face?
 * Epstein: [to Kotter] Will you cool it?
 * Carvelli: Who is that guy?
 * Freddie: Him? He's our teacher.
 * Carvelli: [about Kotter] Teacher? This is a tough school.
 * Carvelli: That's the oldest punk I ever saw.
 * Woodman: I'm not a punk; I'm the vice principal.
 * Carvelli: Vice principal? This is a tough school.
 * Carvelli: Vice principal? This is a tough school.

The Fight [2.04]

 * Juan: Okay now, watchin' a fight I ain't in– It makes me nervous.

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 * Kotter: [about the Sweathogs] You guys look like a delinquent Mount Rushmore.

The Museum [2.05]

 * Vinnie: I ain't gonna hurt any old relics. Not even Mr. Woodman.
 * Woodman: Get bent, Barbarino!

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 * Vinnie: I went to a wax museum once. I saw Raquel Welch. You know that that wax comes right off in your hands?
 * Kotter: Next time wear gloves.

Sweathog, Nebraska Style [2.07]

 * [Epstein gives Kotter a note from the principal saying that he was in conference with him]
 * Kotter: [reading the note] "Dear Mr. Kotter, Juan Epstein was late because he was in conference with me. Signed, Principal Lazarus." What are you trying to do to me, Epstein? I know the man's handwriting. This note is legitimate!
 * Epstein: Well, in baseball, it's called a change-up, you know? Keeps the hitter guessin'!

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 * Woodman: A fine young lady like you doesn't belong with Sweathogs.
 * Jenny: Oh, yeah? In your horn with an ear of corn!
 * Woodman: She's a Sweathog!

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 * Kotter: Epstein, wait! You can't go to Nebraska! They won't let you past Philadelphia without a passport!

Sweathog Clinic for the Cure of Smoking [2.11]

 * Kotter: I had to decide whether or not I was gonna let junk food rule my life.
 * Epstein: Well, what'd you do?
 * Kotter: I went cold turkey.
 * Epstein: Cold turkey?
 * Kotter: That's right. For five days, instead of junk food, I ate nothin' but cold turkey!

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 * Epstein: [about spending so long in the bathroom] I'm just enjoying a few moments of privacy, you know? I mean, when you got nine brothers and sisters like I got, the only time you get to use the bathroom by yourself is on your birthday!

Sweatgate Scandal [2.15]

 * Woodman: Now, now, now, Juan, you hot-blooded young turk!
 * Epstein: I'm a Puerto Rican Jew!
 * Woodman: Same thing. Your blood is hot.

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 * Kotter: Newspapers mold people's minds.
 * Horshack: Who wants to make a moldy mind?

Chicken a la Kotter [2.17]

 * [Woodman walks into Mr. Chicken #17. He picks up the bowl of bones and gives his guess.]
 * Woodman: Uh, four hundred and fifty, uh, Captain Chicken.
 * Kotter: It can't be. It sounds like him, but it couldn't be. [turns and sees Woodman] It is.
 * Woodman: Kotter! What are you doing here, and in that costume?
 * Kotter: Well, my dog suit was in the cleaners. What was that number you guessed?
 * Woodman: Four hundred and fifty. Do I get a free dinner?
 * Kotter: No, I'm sorry. You're a few bones shy.

The Littlest Sweathog [2.20]

 * Vinnie: I figure you only go 'round once in your life, right? So why go 'round the 11th grade twice?

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 * Epstein: When my mother was pregnant, she used to want hot peppers, you know? Every day, hot peppers, hot peppers, hot peppers. When we was born, the first thing we asked for was a glass of water!

I Wonder Who's Kissing Gabe Now? [2.23]

 * Epstein: Miss Holzgang said we could draw our favorite thing, so I drew this bea-utiful girl! Oh!
 * Horshack: I drew a picture of a cheese Whopper.
 * Freddie: Yeah, and I drew a picture of Arnold getting heartburn.
 * Vinnie: And I drew a picture of me.

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 * Woodman: [about Epstein's drawing] At last I've got something to nail one of you Sweathogs!
 * Horshack: Oh, but Mr. Woodman, Rembrandt painted plenty of nudes.
 * Woodman: Well, I wanna see Rembrandt in my office, too!

And Baby Makes Four (1) [3.02]

 * Kotter: If your contractions start, you time them.
 * Julie: Uh-huh.
 * Kotter: When they're four minutes apart, you call me.
 * Julie: Uh-huh.
 * Kotter: If your water breaks, don't touch the toaster.

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 * Woodman: I'm breaking up the Sweathogs. It's like breaking up the old Yankees. You thought you had me, didn't you? Two outs, bottom of the ninth, but old Woodman hit a home run, and I win! I win, Kotter!
 * Kotter: How long have you been without your medication, Mr. Woodman?

And Baby Makes Four (2) [3.03]

 * Horshack: We are all here to witness a miracle, the miracle of birth. And Mr. Kotter, miracles cannot be rushed.
 * Kotter: Look, Arnold, I am... Arnold, what you just said, that was beautiful. It made a lot of sense.
 * Horshack: Of course! Births cannot be rushed. For example, first, the stork has to be notified.

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 * Kotter: Where's my wife?
 * Nurse: Well, she's in the labor room.
 * Horshack: Labor room? They're making her work at a time like this?

The Visit [3.04]

 * Julie: What are we going to name the babies?
 * Kotter: Well, what's wrong with 'this one' and 'that one'?
 * Julie: Too common.

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 * Woodman: Teaching this class is about as much fun as root canal work.
 * Epstein: I thought all the routes to your canal dried up a long time ago!

Buddy, Can You Spare a Million? [3.05]

 * [Epstein brings a satchel to watch the lottery drawing]
 * Kotter: Epstein, what's that satchel for?
 * Epstein: It's for the money. What am I gonna do, stuff 250 G's in my pocket?
 * Freddie: Hey, Juan, um, they gonna give us a check.
 * Epstein: Oh, no, I don't take checks. Checks bounce.
 * Kotter: Well, this one's gonna be from New York State.
 * Epstein: Especially those!

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 * [Kotter and Julie are changing the babies]
 * Kotter: How come I always get the wet one?
 * Julie: Oh, she's just showing off for Daddy.
 * Kotter: We gotta break her of this habit before she starts dating.

Just Testing [3.06]

 * Julie: [as the babies cry] Okay, girls, now here's the deal. You can either go to sleep, or you can wash the dishes! [babies stop crying] I knew you'd take the easy way out.

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 * Vinnie: Mr. Woodman, why don't you take a couple days off and go hang gliding? It's good weather for it: no wind.

The Deprogramming of Arnold Horshack [3.07]

 * Kotter: [about Horshack] He has joined the cult of Baba Bebe.
 * Woodman: Baba Bebe? You mean the one who brainwashes young people?
 * [Kotter nods]
 * Woodman: My kind of guy! [laughs]

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 * Horshack: My name is Abu Kareem Hassan. What is, is. What was, will be. What will be, was, but will be again.
 * Vinnie: We better hurry up, I'm startin' to understand him.

What a Move [3.08]

 * Barbarino: You know what I think? I think that we moved the furniture and we worked very hard. I think it's Miller time.
 * Epstein: Well, we got the time. Who's got the beer?

Epstein's Term Paper [3.19]

 * Epstein: How'd you figure it was Carvelli, pop?
 * Kotter: Ah, good question, number one son. Old Chinese proverb: Man who try to pull wool over eyes wind up with sheep on face.

What Goes Up [3.22]

 * Barbarino: I know this. One of these days, you're gonna have to get off them pills and go cold duck.
 * Freddie: That's cold turkey, turkey.
 * Barbarino: Whatever it is, it's for the birds.

Horshack and Madame X [3.24]

 * Julie: Good night, Arnold. [kisses Horshack]
 * [audience cheers]
 * Horshack: Good night...Julie.
 * Julie: Julie?
 * Horshack: Julie.
 * Audience: Aw!

The Kiss [3.25]

 * Mr. Jan: Quiet, please. We're trying to—She better be drowning, Woodman, or you're in a lot of trouble.

The Drop-Ins (1) [4.01]

 * Kotter: I have an announcement to make.
 * Epstein: Is this announcement gonna be good news?
 * Kotter: Yes and no.
 * Freddie: Oh, wow, man, you better give us the bad news first. [Woodman enters the classroom] Boy, that was fast!

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 * Horshack: Hey, Mr. Kotter, are you glad to be back in school?
 * Kotter: Arnold, this is the second most painful day in a schoolteacher's life.
 * Horshack: What's the first?
 * Kotter: Payday.

The Drop-Ins (2) [4.02]

 * Freddie: Check it out, Mr. Kotter, we decided to give you one more chance.
 * Vinnie: Yeah, but this is your last chance, 'cause if we're still stupid next year, forget it.

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 * Vinnie: Why do you even want this job?
 * Freddie: To make a lot of cash money!
 * Vinnie: I make $68.50 a week and $10 of that goes to Uncle Sam.
 * Horshack: Oh, sure, you get your uncle a job here, but not your friends?

Beau's Jest [4.03]

 * Epstein: Juan Epstein don't run from nobody. I mean, I've worked over more faces than a plastic sturgeon.

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 * Beau: Juan, you know I'm new here, and I wonder if I might pick your brain.
 * Freddie: Well, uh, you can try, but you're picking at an empty field.

The Barbarino Blues [4.09]

 * Freddie: [after sniffing smelling salts] I see they found a way of bottling Epstein's locker.

The Sweat Smell of Success [4.18]

 * Epstein: I'm workin' with inferior equipment here!
 * Beau: Yeah, your hands and your brain!

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 * Epstein: Look, Mr. Woodman, you yank me off that paper, you're gonna lose a great deal of advertising retinue!

Cast

 * Gabe Kaplan - Gabe Kotter
 * John Travolta - Vinnie Barbarino
 * Robert Hegyes - Juan Epstein
 * Lawrence Hilton-Jacobs - Freddie 'Boom Boom' Washington
 * Ron Palillo - Arnold Horshack
 * Marcia Strassman - Julie Kotter
 * John Sylvester White - Principal Woodman
 * Stephen Shortridge - Beau De LaBarre
 * Ernest Harada — Mr. Jan