Zach Galifianakis



Zachary Knight "Zach" Galifianakis (born October 1, 1969) is a Greek-American comedian, actor and writer.

Live at the Purple Onion (2007)

 * Hello, my name is Zach Galifianakis, and I hope I'm pronouncing that right.


 * I was named after my grandad. Yes, my name is Zach Grandad Galifianakis.


 * If you love Barry Manilow, you're gonna love the Insane Clown Posse. Love 'em. They're exactly... well, they're not EXACTLY alike, but they're a little bit alike...


 * Seriously!, this is a DVD! I need dinosaurs, thunder, race wars, something! Dammit, I gotta sell this motherfucker.... 36.63.


 * I want to combine the NAACP with Mothers Against Drunk Driving. It's called Mothers Against the Advancement of Colored People.


 * I failed kindergarten because I couldn't spell my last name.


 * Growing up my dad was like "Zach, you have a great last name: Galifianakis... Galifianakis... Begins with a 'gal', ends with a 'kiss'"... I'm like "That's great, Dad. Can we get it changed to 'Galifiana-fuck' please?"


 * When I was a kid, I had dyslexia. And I would write about it in my dairy.


 * When you look like I do, it's hard to get a table for one at Chuck E Cheese.


 * Whenever I'm with a woman I whisper softly into her ear, "Will you touch my vagina...?" and she's like, "What!?" and I'm like, "That's what you're supposed to say."


 * Did you ever wake up with an erection...and then you realize you're just in a massage chair at Brookstone? And you yell to the sales clerk "I'll take it!"


 * At what age do you think it's appropriate to tell a highway it's adopted?


 * I think those neighborhood signs that say 'slow children playing' are so very mean.


 * My girlfriend looks a little like Charlize Theron...and a lot like Patrick Ewing.


 * I dream of moving to India, or Pakistan, and becoming a cabdriver.


 * I'm going to do all new, fresh material...you guys been keeping up with this O.J. thing?


 * I call my balls the bush twins.


 * I dream of starting a three-man country trio called the Chixie Dicks.


 * This is my impression of a Southern woman. "Tsk, I am so mad at the Taliban right now!"


 * That was some really great "fatcting".


 * The only good time to say I have diarrhea is during a game of Scrabble, because it's worth a shitload of points.


 * The Forgetful Vegan: Man that sure was some good pepperoni pi-Oh Fuck!


 * For 8 years now I've been addicted to cold turkey. When I tell people I'm quitting cold turkey, they say,"What are you quitting?", I'm fucking quitting cold turkey.

Between Two Ferns (2008-2011)

 * You shaved your head for V For Vendetta. Did you also shave your V for Vagina?  (to Natalie Portman).

Saturday Night Live (March 12, 2011)

 * The only time it's ok to yell out 'I have diarrhea' is when you're playing Scrabble...because it's worth a shitload of points.


 * I wear a lot of Axe body spray, but I live in a black neighborhood. Over there, they call it Ask body spray. If you don't get that joke, then you're not racist.

Saturday Night Live (May 4, 2013)

 * I once played charades with a couple that was deaf.....they were amazing. I mean, none of this sounds like business.


 * I like to stump Google. The other day I Google'd "how many Mexicans live in North Korea"....Google didn't know.  I also Google'd "how many candles does Dave Navarro own?"...14,000.


 * Sometimes I order a beet salad, so when the waiter comes and lays down my salad I can say "thanks for laying down those funky beets". It's an expensive joke because I don't even like beets.


 * Here's something you'll never see in Braille: "If you see something, say something".