Ze Frank

Ze Frank (born Hosea Frank on 31 March 1972, first name IPA: ['ze], rhymes with "say") is an online performance artist and humorist based in Brooklyn, New York.

"The Show" (www.zefrank.com/theshow/)

 * This is Ze Frank, thinking so you don't have to. (Standard sign-off for "The Show"; varies at times).


 * Just a reminder, what other people think of you is none of your business..


 * [T]here's more than one way to skin a cat. But from the cat's perspective, they all suck..


 * Trying to defeat an ideology by killing individuals is like trying to save a marriage with a blowjob. It might buy you some time, but in the end it'll just suck..


 * [T]errorists are desperate assholes who see no institutionalized recourse to address their grievances, so they resort to random acts of violence in order to instill fear into the general population.


 * A surprise party is where your friends and family lie to you to make you feel alone and unloved. Then, when they throw you the party they would have thrown, regardless, you experience a sudden rush of emotion as your depressed self returns back to normal. Some people think that life in general's like that. They keep waiting for the party. I call that: denial.


 * Pat Buchanan likes to say we're in a culture war. The Civil War was a culture war, and brothers killed brothers. I wonder if they avoided dinner conversation about politics. What if this culture war turned into a real war? I'd look back on that dinner and wish that I'd ordered a side of argument.


 * I don't think you understand what the word cool means.... Being cool is about not participating in traditionally enjoyable experiences and creating the illusion that happiness can be found in alternative, less enjoyable experiences. The degree to which other people around you try to emulate your alternative lifestyle and fail determines how cool you are. You're only as cool as people wish they were.


 * The word vagina is a beautiful word, like all words that have v's and g's in them, like gavel, or evangelical. I love vaginas, and evangelicals. I fucking hate gavels though.


 * Both hurting and happiness make me feel more alive, but as I get older it seems that hurting's the low hanging fruit. So I pick it.


 * I'm not sure, but I think I might be an adult.... Someone the other day told me I should act more like one, but I don't even know what it is. What's an adult?  I blame it on my parents; they caught it before I was even born.  When I break things now I have to pay for them.  I rarely get cake at parties anymore.  When people give me sheets of paper I'm not supposed to draw on 'em.  I'm just supposed to put the letters of my name on a line.  Where's the fun in that?  People get funny when I say the obvious, like "you've got a big nose."  All of a sudden I'm supposed to know about the weather.  And have plans!  I even checked on the internet and no one's working on a cure.  I'm not sure I like it.


 * Okay, roll-call, no talking. Benny, Marc; Ethel, Shakina, nice shoes. Bobo twins, anyone seen the Bobo twins? Those Bobo twins.


 * Water boarding: Is that like snowboarding?!.


 * Shock 'n' Awe. We bring the BoomWow.


 * 'Army of one': when the shit hits the fan, you're on your own..


 * The president said some words, like nouns and verbs.


 * It's complimacated. (sounds like compli-ma-kayted, emphasis on first syllable)


 * A wedge strategy is where you focus on a highly charged issue at the borders of rationality and emotion. The emotional content of the issue can create a moral conviction that the issue needs to be resolved at any cost. Tactics that would otherwise be called into question can then be employed to resolve the issue. This sets precedent for the future use of those tactics in other arenas.


 * (On airplane etiquette) Although reclining your seat is technically your right, just like free speech if you exercise it to your limits everyone around you will think you're an asshole.


 * Say the opposite, say the opposite, say the same thing, say the same thing. (song/refrain on "The Show").


 * ...next time you rake up those leaves realize you're about to jump into a pile of tree shit..


 * If you don't know what a cat is, it's sort of like a stuffed animal... but with a working asshole. I'll admit that when I went to the pound, I was actually shopping for a never ending box of shit, um, and the cat just came with it.


 * in the summertime sometimes i sleep "macho": ah, white t-shirt, no underpants. Sleeping macho looks very attractive on a man. I feel like it helps me breathe.


 * Look! A see-through wall of glass!


 * Don't swim up stream, baby. The future was right where you were..


 * This little bathtub smells like ass..


 * Generalized statements … which instill nebulous fear without specific information are exactly in line with the goals of terrorism..


 * When I get sick I start scripting the video tape that I'm gonna leave behind when I die. Sometimes imagining that even makes me cry. Both hurting and happiness make me feel more alive, but as I get older it seems that hurting's the low hanging fruit. So I pick it..


 * Are the new viewers gone yet?


 * Look what I found; a litter version of the Internet! This used to be something that could convert carbon dioxide to oxygen using only sunlight, water, and a few nutrients. But now it's way cooler; it has two functions. You can either put little words on it, or crumple it up into a tiny ball and throw it!.


 * Any individual entity that pretends to understand the rules that guide this space is under an illusion.


 * Who likes the little little duckies in the pond? I do, I do, I do, a-chicka quack quack.