Zoey 101 (season 1)


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The following is a list of quotes from the first season Zoey 101. It was aired between January 9 to May 1, 2005.

Welcome To PCA

 * Zoey: How many of you have ever played on a basketball team before?
 * (A few raise their hands)
 * Zoey: How many of you would say you're good at basketball?
 * Quinn: Um, I once made a basketball explode!




 * Zoey: (to Chase after he throws an old sandwich out the window) My hero.




 * Dana: Just pass me the ball whenever you can, and stay out of my way!
 * Nicole: Works for me.




 * Nicole: Excuse me, have you noticed that she's the only girl on our team who can play this game?
 * Coach: I think everyone here has noticed it.




 * Nicole: But that's my stuff! (Dana glares at her) That I'll be moving.




 * Chase: Better be going. Oh, and be careful.
 * Zoey: Why be careful?
 * Chase: Well, it's the first day at school. Lots of kids like to pull pranks.
 * Zoey: Like hanging your bike from a tree?
 * Chase: Huh? Oh man. PUT THAT DOWN, YOU LITTLE FREAKS!! I gotta go. Later.
 * Zoey: Later.
 * Chase: Oh, and I forgot to say, "Welcome to PCA".
 * Zoey: Go save your bike.
 * Chase: Right.




 * Zoey: Ok, Logan, tell ya what. I'll round up my best five girls and you round up your best five guys. And we'll see whose better at basketball.
 * Logan: You serious?
 * Nicole: Zoey!
 * Zoey: I'm serious.
 * Logan: Good. This Friday?
 * Zoey: Why not?
 * Logan: Then, you're on!
 * Zoey: Good!




 * Michael: Plus, we heard you guys got pizza.
 * Chase: And cake.
 * Zoey: Oh, so you guys just want pizza.
 * Chase: And cake!




 * Logan: Here's a little tip: Try to make the balls go in the basket.
 * Zoey: And here's a tip for you: Try to make words not come out of your mouth!




 * Dana: Can I play?
 * Zoey: Um, we kind of already have a full team.
 * Quinn: Bye!
 * Zoey: I guess you're in.




 * Nicole: You're the only girl on our team that can play this game. The rest of us are "suckish"
 * Quinn: Is "Suckish" a word?




 * Logan: Hope you girls have learned your lesson!
 * Coach: I sure have. How would you two girls like to be on the basketball team?




 * Dustin: Psst, Zoey, psst!
 * Zoey: Dustin?
 * Dustin: Good Luck! But I can't root for you.
 * Zoey: Why not?
 * Dustin: Because the guys said if I root for the girls, they'll shave off my eyebrows!
 * Zoey: Don't let them scare you!
 * Dustin: Too late, I'm way past scared. Anyway, good luck!




 * Nicole: (about the urinal) Why is it here?
 * Zoey: Because this used to be a boy's dorm.
 * Nicole: Well, it creeps me out.
 * Zoey: You act like it's the first time you've seen one of these things.
 * Nicole: Oh, please, I wasn't born yesterday. I know about boy stuff. So, how do they sit on it?




 * Chase: (points to Jim)...Jim
 * Zoey: That's the gym?
 * Chase: Oh, no, that's my bud, Jim. Hey Jim!
 * Zoey: 'Sup Jim! I like Jim.
 * Chase: Jim's good people.




 * Nicole: You are a wizard with scissors. I'm going to call you the Scissor Wizard!
 * Zoey: No, you're not.
 * Nicole: Okay.




 * Zoey: You play sports?
 * Nicole: Is shopping a sport?
 * Zoey: No.
 * Nicole: Then, no.

New Roomies

 * Dana: It's my bed.
 * Nicole: It's my head.

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 * Zoey: Stop it. You know what, Dana? You are a slob, and Nicole, it is rude of you to use a stupid hair dryer when people need quiet!

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 * dana':well
 * 'nicole:well
 * dana':the perfect roomate has spoken
 * zoey: i didn't say i was perfect
 * dana: good cause you annoy us too sometimes
 * zoey: yeah like how?
 * dana: you always forget your key
 * '''nocole': yes
 * zoey: so
 * dana: so its anoying to have to let you in all the time. im zoey i forgot my key
 * '''nocole': im zoey i locked my self out please let me in

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 * Zoey: Okay, since I'm such a horrible roomate, then maybe I should move out!

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 * Michael: Save me!
 * Chase: From what?
 * Michael: (Points to Quinn) From that!

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 * Zoey: Maybe you could hang out with me and my roommates sometime!
 * Quinn: Aren't they the ones always fighting?

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 * Chase: Do girls like fooseball? Because if you don't like fooseball, we could knit or something . ..
 * Zoey: (laughs) I like fooseball.
 * Chase: Yeah, Fooseball's cool.

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 * Zoey: (to Nicole and Dana) What? I can't brush my teeth for 5 minutes without you two trying to bludgeon each other?

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 * Nicole: We have to be at class by 8!
 * Dana: Yeah, which is why I set my alarm clock for 7:55!!!

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 * Quinn: It's one of my Quinnventions. You see, my name is Quinn and I invent things . . . so I call them "Quinnventions."
 * Zoey: Oh, that's very . . . "Quinnteresting"!

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 * Zoey: Naw, they don't want me back. Guess I'm stuck with Quinn and her "Quinnventions."
 * Chase: "Quinnventions"?
 * Zoey (About Quinn) Yeah. She combined her name with the word "Inventions."
 * Chase: Ah! So she's... "Quinnsane"!

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 * Michael: 'Sup Chase?
 * Chase: Oh! Hey! (attempts to hide rose he is carrying behind his back)
 * Michael: Whose the rose for?
 * Chase: Oh, this? Oh, you caught me . . . it's for you.
 * Michael: That's nice, man, but how about you give it to Zoey instead?
 * Chase: That's an idea!!
 * Chase: Look, don't tell Logan.

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 * Zoey: So, you want to see if my food is happy?
 * Quinn: Happy, sad, angry, frightened...
 * Chase: I'm frightened!

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 * Zoey: Quinn happens to be the perfect roommate!
 * Quinn: Zoey, I'm about to iron my underwear. Want me to do yours?
 * Zoey: I don't iron my underwear.
 * Quinn: Whatever.
 * Dana: Yeah, she's a good one!
 * Zoey: At least we don't fight all the time!
 * Dana: Neither do we.
 * Nicole: Yeah, since you moved out, we've been getting along great.
 * Dana: (puts arm around Nicole) Yeah, best friends!
 * Zoey: That's good for you. Bye!
 * Dana: (Zoey leaves) Don't ever touch me again!
 * Nicole: Slob!
 * Dana: Jerk!
 * Nicole: UGHH!!!

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 * Zoey: Sorry. I only get 15. And I gotta live.
 * Dustin: What about you?
 * Chase: Sorry, kid. If I had money I'd lend it to myself, which I don't...So, I'm outta luck, and so are you!
 * Dustin: What did he say?
 * Zoey: No!

Webcam

 * Nicole: Hey, Quinn, you wanna play confess or stress with us?
 * Quinn: How do you play?
 * Zoey: Okay, so you roll the dice...
 * Quinn: Yeah...
 * Dana: And if you land on an even number, you have to confess to something really embarrassing...
 * Nicole: And if you roll an odd number, you have to do something stressful.
 * Quinn: Like eat a poisonous bug?
 * Zoey: Stressful... not lethal.

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 * Logan: 'Sup ladies!
 * Zoey: We were just talking about you.
 * Logan: Can't blame you.

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 * Zoey: You're working with Logan now?
 * Chase: Well, I'm working, he seems to be watching.
 * Logan: I'm training you, so you can learn to make deliveries on your own.
 * Zoey: Good. Now, that we know you're not delivering anymore, we'll order more often!

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 * Quinn: Logan's such a jerk.
 * Nicole: A very cute jerk.

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 * Zoey: (on cell phone in phony Southern accent) Excuse me, sir, I'm calling about the mustard you ordered.
 * Mr. Callahan: Um, I didn't order any mustard.
 * Zoey: Yes, you did, you ordered nine thousand jars of mustard.
 * Mr. Callahan: Who could eat that much mustard?
 * Zoey: That's none of my business! So, what time would you like me to drop off the mustard?
 * Mr. Callahan: But I don't even like mustard!
 * Zoey: Then, why'd you order so much?
 * Mr. Callahan: I didn't...

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 * Zoey: Why would I spread rumors about myself?
 * Nicole: To trick us!
 * Zoey: Nicole!

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 * Chase: Hey, Kazu!
 * Kazu: You're late!
 * Chase: I'm 10 minutes early!
 * Kazu: No back sass!
 * Chase: Okay... just put the knife down!

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 * Quinn: (scans bear) That jerk!
 * Zoey: What?
 * Quinn: Let's go!
 * (Nicole, Quinn, and Zoey go back to Zoey's dorm)
 * Zoey: Well?
 * Quinn: That bear is broadcasting both audio and visual transmissions via broadband wavelengths to a remote digital receiver!
 * Nicole: I knew it! What does that mean?
 * Zoey: In English?
 * Quinn: There's a webcam in that bear!
 * Nicole: I knew it! Wait, I still don't know what that means.

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 * Zoey: Did you have anything to do with it?
 * Chase: Uh, come in?
 * Zoey: Did you put a camera in a bear?
 * Chase: I don't think so, seeing as I don't have a camera... or a bear.
 * Zoey: Chase.
 * Chase: Will you just tell me what's going on here?
 * Zoey: That bear you and Logan gave us, it's got a webcam in it.
 * Chase: What?!
 * Zoey: Don't act like you don't know.
 * Chase: I'm not acting. Zoey.
 * Zoey: Where's Logan's computer?
 * Chase: Over there.

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 * Zoey: Hey, sushi's here!
 * Nicole: Thanks, Chase, we love the free sushi!
 * Chase: Look, girls, I don't know if I can keep hooking you up with all this free sushi. I think my boss is starting to get a little suspicious.
 * Zoey: Kazu?
 * Chase: Yeah, so listen, if anybody asks, just say...
 * Kazu: Aha! I knew it!
 * Chase: Kazu!
 * Kazu: You've been stealing all my sushi and giving it to these girls!
 * Chase: Uh, no, no, that's... that's not true.
 * Kazu: Yes, it is! I'm going to tell the Dean. And then you will be... And then you will be...
 * Zoey: Quinn, next card!
 * Kazu: Expelled! You will be expelled!
 * Chase: Expelled?!
 * Kazu: You're going to prison!
 * Nicole: No!
 * (Zoey hits him on the head with a vase)
 * Zoey: I'm sorry, I panicked!
 * Chase: He's out cold.
 * Zoey: Oh, no, now, we're all gonna get expelled!
 * Chase: No, nobody's getting expelled!
 * Nicole: But he's gonna wake up eventually and tell the Dean what happened!
 * Chase: Yes, that's why we have to get rid of him!
 * Zoey: Let's tie him up and shove him in the closet!
 * Chase: Right! Then, late tonight, when everyone's asleep, we hot wire his car, and put Kazu in the trunk!
 * Zoey: We'll drive him... to Mexico!
 * Logan: Did she say, "Mexico"?
 * Michael: Si!
 * Nicole: But what if the Dean finds out?
 * Zoey: She has a point.
 * Chase: Hey... he didn't see who hit him!
 * Zoey: Right! We'll blame it all on... on... Logan!
 * Logan: Me?!
 * Chase: Okay! We'll blame the whole thing on Logan! Stealing the sushi, knocking out Kazu, everything!
 * Logan: They're gonna blame everything on me!
 * Michael: I heard.
 * Zoey: Okay, quick, let's tie up Kazu and shove him in the closet.
 * Nicole: I got the duct tape!
 * Logan: I gotta do something!
 * Michael: Ok, you go get the Dean.
 * Logan: I'm not gonna let Chase and those crazy girls frame me.
 * Michael: You go get em, man.

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 * Logan: Kazu, I can explain.
 * Kazu: So can I, you're fired! (chuckles) I feel like Donald Trump.
 * Logan: But, you got whacked in the head with a vase.
 * Kazu: What?

Defending Dustin

 * Chase: You gotta hide Elvis.
 * Nicole: Who's Elvis?
 * Chase: Our dog!
 * Zoey: Doesn't PCA have a rule against pets?
 * Chase: Yeah, that's why we've been hiding him in our room.
 * Michael: But our DA smelled a dog!
 * Chase: DA, short for Dorm Adviser.
 * Zoey: I know.
 * Chase: OK...that's short for okay
 * Zoey: Stop it!
 * Michael: Well, anyway, our DA's getting all suspicious.

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 * Chase: (To Zoey) Everyone gets hurt sometimes. You've never been hurt?
 * Zoey: No, not by a big, dumb bully.
 * Chase: Well, then, maybe it's time. (he starts giving her noogies) Oh, yeah, that's right. She's in trouble now, give me your lunch money.
 * Zoey: Quit it!
 * Chase: Give me your lunch money or I'll.... (Zoey bites his arm) Oww, did you bite me?
 * Zoey: Maybe.
 * Chase: Oh, it's on.

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 * Chase: You're fast!
 * Zoey: Maybe you're just slow.
 * Chase: Harsh.

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 * Herb: Close the door and sit down. I am very upset with you, Mr. Finch.
 * Keith: You're not the principal.
 * Herb: No back sass!
 * Keith: Who are you?
 * Herb: I happen to be the Dean of Discipline.
 * Keith: Dean of--
 * Herb: Stop speaking!
 * Keith: OK.
 * Herb: I understand you've been harassing some of the younger students. Is that correct?
 * Keith: Well, I--
 * Herb: Don't even think about lying!
 * Keith: Yeah, I guess I have.
 * Herb: You guess?!
 * Keith: Yes!
 * Herb: Yes what? Come on, say it, Finch. Tell me!
 * Keith: I-I-I pick on people.
 * Herb: You mean you used to?
 * Keith: Huh?
 * Herb: If I ever hear of you bothering any student on the PCA campus, especially younger ones, I'll expel you faster then pigtails on a giraffe! Do you understand me?!?!
 * Keith: Yes, sir, except for the giraffe part.
 * Herb: Get out!
 * Keith: Yes sir!"
 * Zoey: Herb, you were great!
 * Chase: Yeah, I was outside and you had me shaking!
 * Herb: Really, I was good!
 * Zoey: Are you kidding me?
 * Chase: That was the best acting any janitor has ever done!
 * Herb: Now if you'll excuse me there is a clogged toilet in the gym calling my name.

Prank Week

 * Chase: You know what I'm saying?
 * Michael: You don't even know what you're saying!

-
 * Zoey: Chase, thank you so much!
 * Chase: It’s okay, but, actually, it wasn’t me.
 * Zoey: Michael?
 * Michael: Not me.
 * Zoey: Then who was it? (Chase and Michael point to Logan) Logan? Why would you want to keep me at PCA?
 * Logan: If you weren't around, who else would I pick on?

-
 * Dean Rivers: I'm not going to ask you again. Who did this?
 * Chase: Technically, sir, you did just ask again.
 * Dean Rivers: Chase!
 * Chase: Sorry.

-
 * Nicole: (crying) But this is the best school ever! They have a pool, cute boys, a beach across the street, and cute boys!
 * Zoey: I bet there are cute boys back in your school in Kansas.
 * Nicole: No, they're all dumb and gross.
 * Zoey: Hey, Quinn, did you hear the news? This is our last semester here.
 * Quinn: Can't talk. Plotting revenge.
 * Nicole: I'm going to miss her freakish ways. (cries again)

-
 * Zoey: Aw, it's a bunny with a PCA shirt on!
 * Logan: Chase picked it out.
 * Chase: Why do you tell people?

-
 * Logan: Do girls know anything?
 * Dana: I know how to make you cry.
 * Logan: What are you gonna do? Kiss me?
 * Dana: You wish!
 * Logan: Yeah I do! (laughs)

-
 * Mr. Bradford: All right. Just stop my daddy from peeing and no one gets expelled.

-

Jet X

 * Mr. Savage: Do you know what this is?
 * Chase: Some kind of scooter?
 * Mr. Savage: (Buzzing noise) Wrong!
 * Chase: Sorry.

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 * Quinn: Where's the off button on this?
 * Dana: Uh, I don´t know. You're the geek.
 * Quinn: True.

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 * Zoey: (on the phone to Chase) Chase, you rock!
 * Chase: (to Michael) I rock!
 * Michael: You´re OK.

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 * Nicole: You're just jealous because my dad owns a juice company!
 * Dana: What?!
 * Zoey: What?!
 * Nicole: I didn't know what to say!

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 * Zoey: Well, tell him money doesn't give him the right to push people around.
 * Chase: I did.
 * Zoey: And?
 * Chase: He gave me 50 bucks to shut up.

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 * Mr. Bender: Okay! Shut up. So, why are you guys fighting?
 * Chase: Uh... Uh... he said... he said I have bushy hair!
 * Mr. Bender: Now, Chase, your hair is unusually bushy. And Michael, the bushiness of his hair is none of your business.

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 * Logan: Or I could give you a ride, maybe we could go to the beach and make out a little.
 * Zoey: You know, I would, but it's so hard for a girl to kiss a guy while she's vomiting.
 * Chase: It's true. It happened to me once.

The Play

 * Logan: (to Chase) Why do you waste your time with the drama club? Why don't you go out for football or something?
 * Chase: Because the drama club's loaded with hot girls. And I've seen the football team. They're not hot.
 * Michael: I don't know. Dave, the quarterback, is a pretty handsome dude. (Chase and Logan give him weird looks) I've said too much.

-
 * (Dustin knocks on Zoey's door)
 * Dustin: Hey, is Zoey here?
 * Dana: No.
 * Dustin: Well, do you know where she is?
 * Dana: Nope.
 * Dustin: 'Cuz I think I'm sick, and I was wondering if...
 * (Dana shuts the door in his face)

-
 * Michael: Calm down. Let me ask you this, it's your play right?
 * Chase: Yeah, so?
 * Michael: So, if it's bothering you so much, then change it.
 * Chase: Change it?
 * Michael: Write a different ending.
 * Chase: I can get rid of the kiss! Michael, you, my friend, are a genius in short pants! (runs off)
 * Michael: I have my moments.

-
 * Mr. Fletcher: Kill? Kill?!
 * Chase: Yeah, see, it's actually supposed to say, "Zorka leans in to kill the lifeguard." Not kiss. It was just a complete typo. I'm always mixing up my S's and L's. Like one time I tried to write "Sassafras". I wrote "Lallafral"!

-
 * Dustin: (to Quinn) Why are you taking off my shoes?
 * Quinn: I'm going to cure you by applying proton impulses to the soles of your feet.
 * Dustin: Can I please leave?
 * Quinn: No... Ready?
 * Dustin: No. (Quinn fires her proton device at Dustin's feet) Ah! That tickles. (Quinn stops the proton device)
 * Quinn: Do you feel better?
 * Dustin: No!
 * Quinn: I'll adjust the proton saturation.
 * Dustin: Huh? (Quinn fires her proton device at Dustin's feet) It's not making me better!

-
 * Nicole: He really is awesome?
 * Chase: (sarcastically) Yeah, Logan's fantastic, just fantastic. Isn't he fantastic?
 * Zoey: I don't see why you have to pick on him all the time. Logan's not such a bad guy.
 * Nicole: Ooh. She's starting to like him.
 * Dana: Ya think?
 * Chase: What?! That's insane! It's insane, right Zoey?
 * Zoey: Yeah, I mean...
 * Chase: You mean what?
 * Zoey: I don't know. Maybe, I do like him...
 * Chase: Okay. I got to go.
 * Zoey: Where are you going?
 * Chase: To take a bath. What difference does it make?

-

Quinn's Date

 * Chase: I wonder who invented the meatball.
 * Zoey: What do you mean invented?
 * Chase: Well, some guy back in the fifteenth century must have said, "Yes, meat is good, but it would be even better in ball form. And thus the meatball was born".

-
 * Zoey: (About Mark) Go talk to him.
 * Quinn: Oh, I dunno. I'm not very good at talking to guys.
 * Zoey: It's easy. It's just like talking to girls, but you gotta use smaller words.

-
 * Quinn: Okay, so, what do I do?
 * Zoey: Just pretend Chase is a guy.
 * Chase: Uh, thanks.

-
 * Quinn: Did you know that female spiders eat their children?
 * Chase: Huh?
 * Quinn: Spiders aren't insects! They're arachnids! Did you know that elephant urine smells like licorice?
 * Chase: Oh, my God.
 * Quinn: Tell me about your first rash.
 * Chase: Zoey.
 * Zoey: Quinn.
 * Quinn: I'm curious. I have an extra toe. Wanna see?
 * Chase: MAKE IT STOP!
 * Quinn: Don't you guys want to see my extra toe?
 * Zoey, Nicole, Dana & Chase: No!

-
 * Quinn: Hi, Mark.
 * Mark: Oh, hey, Clint.
 * Chase: Quinn.
 * Quinn: Did you say, "Clint"?
 * Chase: He said, "Quinn."
 * Mark I said, "Clint."
 * Quinn: Who's Clint?
 * Chase: He meant, "Quinn".

-
 * Zoey: My friend, Quinn thinks you're cute and wants to go out with you. Will ya?
 * Mark: No.
 * Zoey: Come on! She's pretty and she's right over there.
 * Mark: (Looks at Quinn) No.

-
 * Quinn: What did he say? Please, say he said, "Yes". I would be the happiest person in the world if he said, "Yes", tell me he said, "Yes", please.
 * Zoey: Ummm.. he said, "YES".

-
 * Dana: What's your problem?
 * Zoey: Remember when I said "Mark said yes". He said, "NO".
 * Nicole: NO!!!
 * Zoey: YES.
 * Nicole: YES.
 * Nicole: Yes, wait I'm confused.
 * Dana: Did he say "Yes" or "No"?
 * Zoey: He said, "No".
 * Dana: No, then why did you tell her he said, "Yes".
 * Zoey: Because I panicked.
 * Dana: You'd better go tell her the truth before she finds out.
 * Zoey: I can't. It'll break her heart. Her weird little heart.

-
 * Courtney: Mark! You're on a date with HER?
 * Mark: No! I'm... on a date with Chase!
 * Chase: Um, it's true. We had a picnic.
 * Zoey: Sparkling juices and everything, I saw it all.
 * Courtney: Yeah, nice try. I can't believe you did this to me, Mark! We are done! Oh-ver!
 * Mark: Courtney.
 * Quinn: Mark, I can't believe you dated me when you already have a girlfriend!
 * Mark: (confused) Who dated you?
 * Quinn: You may have movie star good looks, but I don't care about you any more! Good day, Mark!
 * Mark: But...
 * Quinn: I said "Good day"!

-

Spring Fling

 * Chase: No more "Grass"! I can't take it!!
 * TV: Coming up next... "Weeds".

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 * Announcer: And now back to "Grass: Nature's Carpet!"
 * Nicole: Okay, why are we watching this?

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 * Dustin: I hate this experiment!
 * Quinn: I heard that!
 * Dustin: GOOD!

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 * Nicole: Are you sure people are going to pay money to smash a watermelon with a bat?
 * Zoey: Of course, boys love to smash things.
 * Michael: It's true!
 * Chase: We do enjoy the smashing!

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 * Dana: Tell that to Mr. Bermin when he sees what we've done to his baby.
 * Nicole: What do you think he'll say?
 * Zoey: He'll probably start with, "Give me my four-thousand dollars back!"

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 * Dustin: Is it true?
 * Zoey: What?
 * Dustin: That you're going to get Drake Bell to perform at Spring Fling?
 * Dana: Sorry, but Drake's not coming.
 * Dustin: How come?
 * Nicole: His manager wants 5000 bucks.
 * Dustin: So get it.
 * Dana: (sarcastically) Sure, we can just get it from the 5000 dollar store.

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 * Chase: (to Drake) Hey, you're Drake Bell!
 * Drake: Yes, I am.

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 * Chase: Hey, it's him!
 * Michael: You're you!
 * Drake: I'm me.
 * Manager: (to Drake) You are.

Backpack

 * Michael: (Talking in code) Zoey, the rabbit's in the hole!
 * Zoey: Huh? What rabbit?
 * Michael: [sighs] Stacey's at the store and the deal's goin' down! [mumbling to himself] And ya try to be cool.

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 * Chase: Massage my shoulders.
 * Michael: Are you out of your mind?
 * Chase: Come on, I hurt! Friends don't let other friends hurt.
 * Michael: Well, these headphones are hurting my ears! What? You wanna massage my ear hole?

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 * Chase: (Giving Michael a quiz from a Teen Girl magazine) Your best friend borrows your lipgloss...without asking!
 * Michael: (gasp)
 * Chase: What do you do? A, find a new best friend. B, push her down a flight of stairs, or C...
 * Zoey: What? It doesn't say that!
 * Chase: Well, yeah, but I think it should definitely be an option!
 * Michael: I pick B, down the stairs she goes!

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 * Chase:(about new jukebox) Yep, that's definitely juketastic! (Zoey gives Chase weird look. A few seconds later)
 * Michael: (about new jukebox) Man, that's juketastic!

Disc Golf

 * Coach Phelps: All right. Mr. Matthews, you just bought yourself another lap.
 * Chase: Can I return it?

-
 * Nicole: Just give me a minute.
 * Coach Phelps: What's she doing?
 * Zoey: Making oatmeal.
 * Nicole: (pukes)

-

School Dance

 * Mr. Bender: [after hearing Zoey's computer IM alarm ring] Read the message.
 * Zoey: [reading] "Hey, Zo, do you think Mr. Bender knows his zipper's down?"

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 * Nicole: [answering a personality quiz] "What is your favorite activity?" Meeting cute guys. Next question: "What is your number-one pet peeve?" Not meeting cute guys.

Little Beach Party

 * Dana: You got a signal?
 * Michael: No, only sand in my butt!

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 * Zoey: (to Logan) Are you sure you gave the taxi driver the right directions?
 * Logan: Mystic Beach is exactly 57 miles north of PCA.
 * Dustin: No, Mystic Beach is south of PCA!
 * Zoey: Dustin, are you sure?
 * Dustin: Who are you going to trust: me or pretty boy?

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 * Dustin: Will you tell me where babies come from?
 * Zoey: Absolutely not.