Zoolander

Zoolander is a 2001 comedy about a clueless fashion model, at the end of his career, who is brainwashed to kill the Prime Minister of Malaysia. Based on a pair of short films, produced and directed by Ben Stiller for the VH1 Fashion Awards television show in 1996.
 * Directed by Ben Stiller. Written by Drake Sather, Ben Stiller and John Hamburg. Story by Drake Sather and Ben Stiller. A sequel Zoolander 2 was released.

3% Body Fat, 1% Brain Activity

Derek Zoolander

 * Do you understand that the world does not revolve around you and your "do whatever it takes, ruin as many people's lives, so long as you can make a name for yourself as an investigatory journalist, no matter how many friends you lose or people you leave dead and bloodied along the way, just so long so you can make a name for yourself as an investigatory journalist, no matter how many friends you lose or people you leave dead and bloodied and dying along the way"?
 * At the Derek Zoolander Center for Children Who Can't Read Good and Wanna Learn to Do Other Stuff Good Too, we teach you that there's more to life than being really, really ridiculously good-looking.
 * Words can only hurt you if you try to read them. Don't play their game!
 * Maybe there's more to life than being really, really, really ridiculously good looking?
 * Rufus, Brint, and Meekus were like brothers to me. And when I say brother, I don't mean like an actual brother, but I mean it like the way black people use it, which is more meaningful, I think.  If there's anything that this horrible tragedy can teach us, it's that a male model's life is a precious, precious commodity.  Just because we have chiseled abs and stunning features, it doesn't mean that we, too, can't not die in a freak gasoline fight accident.

Hansel McDonald

 * I hear a lot of words like "beauty" and "handsomeness" and "incredibly chiseled features." To me, that's like a vanity that - a self-absorption that I try to steer clear of.  I dig the bungee.  I mean, for me, it's just the way I live my life.  I grip it, and I rip it.  I live with a lot of flair.  I live it on the edge, where I gotta be.  I wasn't like every other kid, you know, who dreams about being an astronaut.  I was always more interested in, uh, what bark was made out of on a tree.  Richard Gere's a real hero of mine.  Sting.  Sting would be another person who's a hero.  The music that he's created over the years.  I don't really listen to it, but the fact that he's making it, I respect that.  I care desperately about what I do.  Do I know what product I'm selling?  No.  Do I know what I'm doing today?  No.  But I'm here, and I'm gonna give it my best shot.

Jacobim Mugatu

 * Let me show you Derelicte. It is a fashion, a way of life inspired by the very homeless, the vagrants, the crack whores that make this wonderful city so unique.
 * It's that damn Hansel – He's so hot right now!
 * Shut up! Enough already, Ballstein. Who cares about Derek Zoolander anyway? The man has only one look for Christ's sake! Blue Steel, Ferrari, Le Tigre? They're the same face! Doesn't anyone notice this?! I feel like I'm taking crazy pills! I invented the piano key necktie. I invented it! What have you done, Derek? Nothing! YOU'VE DONE NOTHING! NOTHING!! And I will be a monkey's uncle if I let you ruin this for me, because if you can't get the job done then I will. [To the Malaysian Prime Minister] DIE YOU WAGE HIKING SCUM!
 * Todd! Are you not aware that I get farty and bloated with a foamy latte!?
 * Obey my dog!
 * He better be here because I'm a hot little potato right now!
 * Do as you've trained to do... AND KILL THE MALAYSIAN PRIME MINISTER!

Others

 * Steve Kmetko: Oh, you hate to see something like that at an event like this: ugly protesters bothering beautiful people.

Dialogue

 * Olaf: Cool story, Hansel.
 * Hansel: Thanks, Olaf.




 * Matilda: I became...
 * Hansel: What?
 * Matilda: Bulimic.
 * Zoolander: You can read minds?




 * Derek Zoolander: What is this? [smashes the model for the reading center] A center for ants?
 * Mugatu: What?
 * Derek Zoolander: How can we be expected to teach children to learn how to read... if they can't even fit inside the building?
 * Mugatu: Derek, this is just a small...
 * Derek Zoolander: I don't wanna hear your excuses! The center has to be at least... three times bigger than this!
 * Mugatu: He's absolutely right you know.
 * [Mugatu’s assistant Todd has a shocked expression on his face]




 * Brint: Or the way Hansel combs his hair?
 * Meekus: Or like, doesn't, it's like, ex-squeeze me, but have you ever heard of styling gel? Mmmhahaha!
 * Brint: I'm sure Hansel's heard of styling gel, he's a male model.
 * Meekus: Uh, Earth to Brint, I was making a joke.
 * Brint: Uh, Earth to Meekus, duh, okay, I knew that!
 * Meekus: Uh, Earth to Brint, I'm not so sure you did cuz you were all 'well, I'm sure he's heard of styling gel' like you *didn't* know it was a joke! Ahaha!
 * Brint: I knew it was a joke Meekus, I just didn't get it right away!
 * Meekus: Uh, Earth to Brint...
 * Derek Zoolander: Would you guys stop it already?




 * Brint: You know what would help you sort through these important issues?
 * Derek Zoolander: What?
 * Brint, Meekus, and Rufus: ORANGE MOCHA FRAPPUCCINO!!!


 * [Brint, Meekus and Rufus are playfully having a water fight with hoses to the tune of “Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go” by Wham. They then start to unhinge pumps from a gas station and squirt each other with gasoline]
 * Derek Zoolander: What are they doing?
 * [Derek, in a rare moment of using his brain, realizes gasoline is a dangerous substance]
 * Derek Zoolander: Guys, NO!
 * [Derek’s attempt is too late as a man lights a cigarette, causing the gasoline to ignite, killing his three best friends]


 * [Discouraged from the death of his friends, Derek quits modeling and goes into his father's line of work; coal mining. After an onerous day the Zoolander family goes to a rustic bar. They’re seen inside watching a football game]
 * Derek Zoolander: Who's winning the match?
 * Larry Zoolander: State.
 * Derek Zoolander: I think I'm getting the black lung, Pop. [coughing] It's not very well-ventilated down there.
 * Larry Zoolander: For Christ's sake, Derek, you've been down there one day. Talk to me in thirty years. [Luke and Scrappy look at each other]
 * [The argument escalates about why Derek became a model. It hits its zenith when Derek appears in a ridiculous advert for Aveda dressed as a mermaid on one of the TVs in the bar].
 * Derek Zoolander: Moisture is the essence of wetness... and wetness is the essence of beauty. [He swims offscreen as the patrons laugh]
 * Larry Zoolander: Why did you have to come back to this damn...town?
 * Derek Zoolander: [Gets up and looks at his father] I wanted to make a new life for myself. I'm sorry I was born with this perfect bone structure. That my hair looks better done up with gel and mousse than hidden under a stupid hat with a light on it. All I ever wanted to do was make you proud of me, Pop.
 * Larry Zoolander: With what? Your male modeling? Prancing around in your underwear with your weiner hangin' out for everyone to see? You're dead to me, boy. You're more dead to me... than your dead mother. I just thank the Lord she didn't live to see her son as a mermaid.
 * Derek Zoolander: Mer-man! [high-pitched cough] Mer-man! [Derek leaves. He goes outside and looks up at the stars] Who am I?


 * [Derek learns that he is being used by Mugatu in order to be brainwashed to murder the Prime Minister of Malaysia]
 * J.P. Prewitt: The fashion industry has been behind every major political assassination over the last 200 years and behind every hit, a card-carrying male model.
 * Matilda: Okay, that is impossible.
 * J.P. Prewitt: Oh yeah? Listen and learn, sweetness. Abe Lincoln wanted to abolish slavery, right? Well, who do you think made the powdered wigs and silk stockings worn by our country's early leaders?
 * Derek Zoolander: Mugatu?
 * J.P. Prewitt: Slaves, Derek. Without their free labor, the prices on such items would've gone up tenfold. So the powers-that-be hired John Wilkes Booth, the original model/actor, to do Mr. Lincoln in. I'll go on. Dallas, Texas. 1963. Kennedy had just put a trade embargo on Cuba, ostensibly halting the shipment of Cuban-manufactured Sansabelt slacks. An incredibly popular item at the time.
 * Matilda: Lee Harvey Oswald was not a male model!
 * J.P. Prewitt: You're goddamn right he wasn't, but the two lookers who capped Kennedy across the grassy knoll sure as shit were!


 * Maury: What do we do when we fall off the horse?
 * [Derek looks puzzled and begins to mouth the words to himself]
 * Maury: (slowly) We get back on.
 * Derek: I'm sorry, Maury. I'm not a gymnast.




 * [Maury is talking to his wife on the phone]
 * Maury: For Christ’s sake, it’s a casserole, Shiela, it’ll stay!
 * Mugatu: [interrupting Maury] Shut up! Enough already, Ballstein. Who cares about Derek Zoolander anyway? The man has only one look for Christ's sake! Blue Steel, Ferrari, Le Tigre? They're the same face! Doesn't anyone notice this?! I feel like I'm taking crazy pills! I invented the piano key necktie. I invented it! What have you done, Derek? Nothing! YOU'VE DONE NOTHING! NOTHING!! And I will be a monkey's uncle if I let you ruin this for me, because if you can't get the job done then I will. [To the Malaysian Prime Minister] DIE, YOU WAGE HIKING SCUM! [Mugatu throws an “M” shaped throwing star at the Prime Minister of Malaysia]
 * Derek Zoolander: One look? One look?! I don't think so! [Rushes in front of the Malaysian Prime Minister, turns away, then turns back, giving a look that glows and causes the audience to gasp]
 * Hansel: There it is!
 * Todd: MAGNUM!
 * Larry Zoolander: [Watching on TV] Holy moley!
 * Maury: Yeah, baby! That's what I've been waitin’ for!
 * Mugatu: Dear God...it's beautiful! [The "Magnum" look causes Mugatu's throwing star to stop and then drop]

Cast

 * Ben Stiller – Derek Zoolander
 * Owen Wilson – Hansel
 * Christine Taylor – Matilda Jeffries
 * Will Ferrell – Mugatu
 * Milla Jovovich – Katinka
 * Jerry Stiller – Maury Ballstein
 * David Duchovny – J.P. Prewitt
 * Jon Voight – Larry Zoolander
 * Judah Friedlander – Scrappy Zoolander
 * Nathan Lee Graham – Todd
 * Alexandre Manning – Brint
 * Asio Highsmith – Rufus
 * Alexander Skarsgård – Meekus
 * Andy Dick – Olga the Masseuse
 * Nora Dunn – British Designer
 * Jennifer Coolidge – American Designer
 * Vince Vaughn – Luke Zoolander
 * Andrew Wilson – Buzzy Sullivan, Surfer Extraordinaire
 * Henry Brogdon – local badass, male servicer
 * Billy Zane – Himself
 * Donald Trump – Himself
 * Christian Slater – Himself
 * Tom Ford – Himself
 * Cuba Gooding, Jr. – Himself
 * Steve Kmetko – Himself
 * Tommy Hilfiger – Himself
 * Natalie Portman – Herself
 * Fabio – Himself
 * Lenny Kravitz – Himself
 * Gwen Stefani – Herself
 * Gavin Rossdale – Himself
 * Heidi Klum – Herself
 * Paris Hilton – Herself
 * David Bowie – Himself
 * Tyson Beckford – Himself
 * Fred Durst – Himself
 * Lance Bass – Himself
 * Lil' Kim – Herself
 * Garry Shandling – Himself
 * Claudia Schiffer – Herself
 * Veronica Webb – Herself
 * Lukas Haas – Himself
 * Carmen Kass – Herself
 * Victoria Beckham – Herself
 * Sandra Bernhard – Herself
 * Emma Bunton – Herself
 * Stephen Dorff – Himself
 * Winona Ryder – Herself
 * Shavo Odadjian – Himself
 * Devin Schumacher - Runway Model