Zorro, The Gay Blade

Zorro, the Gay Blade is a 1981 feature film. This comedy features George Hamilton in a Golden Globe-nominated dual role as both Don Diego de la Vega (Zorro) and his gay twin brother Bunny Wigglesworth, né Ramon De La Vega.


 * Story and Screenplay by: Johnston McCulley, Hal Dresner, Greg Alt, Don Moriarty, and Bob Randall
 * Directed by: Peter Medak
 * Starring George Hamilton

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Dialogue

 * [Don Diego is lounging in his bed with a beautiful woman.]
 * Veronica: Tell me the truth. Do you think I'm a good wife?
 * Don Diego: Veronica&hellip; you are more exciting than Venus herself.
 * Veronica: Then why doesn't my husband ever say that?
 * Don Diego: Because he's not intelligent. He is not intuitive. He is not insightful.
 * [A man leaps through an open but curtained door.]
 * Don Garcia: And he is not in Barcelona!
 * Don Diego: Don Garcia, I am astonished you would enter my house without my permission!
 * Don Garcia: I might say the same thing about you with my wife!
 * Don Garcia: I might say the same thing about you with my wife!


 * Don Diego: I do not wish to insult you, my dear Garcia, but I could fight four men such as you!
 * Don Garcia: You are quite right, Don Diego.
 * Don Diego: You see?
 * Don Garcia: That is why I brought my FIVE BROTHERS!


 * [Diego arrives in Los Angeles.]
 * Don Diego: Los Angeles de California. The birthplace&hellip; of me.


 * Don Diego: That is, uh, my servant, Paco. He is a mute. He cannot speak.
 * Captain Esteban: Oh, excellent! Perhaps he can give lessons to my wife.


 * Captain Esteban: Your father, I'm sorry to say, had a terrible accident.
 * Don Diego: Accident?
 * Captain Esteban: Sí. He was out riding when his horse was frightened by a turtle.
 * Captain Esteban: My friend &mdash; I want you to know that the turtle who caused this has been executed.
 * Captain Esteban: My friend &mdash; I want you to know that the turtle who caused this has been executed.


 * [The landowners meet to elect a new Alcalde.]
 * Captain Esteban: Caballeros! I believe you all know each other?
 * Don Diego: Don Diego from San Fernando.
 * Don Francisco: Don Francisco from San Jose.
 * Don Fernando: Don Fernando from San Diego.
 * Don Jose: Don Jose from San Bernardino.
 * Luis Obispo: Luis Obispo from Bakersfield.


 * [A peasant is being stretched on the rack.]
 * Captain Esteban: That man was three pesos short in paying his taxes. I can assure you that he will never be short again.


 * Captain Esteban: Arrest that woman! Now!
 * Charlotte Taylor Wilson: No, wait! Isn't this the village square, where according to law, everyone is allowed to speak his or her mind?
 * Captain Esteban: You're right, Señorita. [yelling to the crowd] The woman is allowed to speak! But arrest anyone who listens.
 * Charlotte Taylor Wilson: [to the crowd] Let your voices be heard! Oppose the&hellip; greedy bloodsuckers!
 * [She drops her pamphlets. Diego picks them up and hands them to her.]
 * Charlotte Taylor Wilson: Thank you. I'm Charlotte Taylor Wilson. I'm with the People's Independence Committee.
 * Don Diego: Don Diego Vega. I'm with the&hellip; greedy bloodsuckers.
 * Don Diego: Don Diego Vega. I'm with the&hellip; greedy bloodsuckers.


 * Don Diego: The peoples are quite happy working the land for the caballeros!
 * Charlotte Taylor Wilson: You don't really believe the people are happy!
 * Don Diego: [quietly] All I know is the soldiers are very happy shooting the peoples who say the peoples are not happy.


 * Charlotte Taylor Wilson: Could you tell me where I might find a decent inn?
 * Don Diego: An inn?! With all your talk about the people, I see you like decent inns! And you wear expensive clothes, not the rags. And you smell of the sultry perfumes, not the&hellip; ship oil.
 * Charlotte Taylor Wilson: Ship oil? [pauses in puzzlement] You mean the oil from boats?
 * Don Diego: No, ship oil, from the ships in the field.
 * Charlotte Taylor Wilson: [slowly] What ships&hellip; in the field?
 * Don Diego: Jou have never heard of the ships in the field? The little, uh&hellip; baa-baa-baas?
 * Charlotte Taylor Wilson: Oh, you mean "sheep"!
 * Don Diego: Jes, that is what I said.
 * Charlotte Taylor Wilson: No, you said "ship"! Forgive me, but you have a very pronounced accent.
 * Don Diego: Jou're trying to change the subject from the fact that jou are actually&hellip; very wealthy.
 * Charlotte Taylor Wilson: I am not&hellip; very wealthy!
 * Don Diego: After all, what poor woman can afford three names? Answer me that if you can, Señorita [counting off on his fingers] Charlotte&hellip; Taylor&hellip; Wilson.


 * [Don Diego reads a letter from his deceased father that he finds among the Zorro accoutrements.]
 * Vega Sr.: The sword, with which to fight injustice. This mask, with which to deceive tyranny. And this hat, which needs&hellip; reblocking.


 * [While Diego was reading his father's letter, Paco has donned his own costume, which makes him look like a life-sized teddy bear.]
 * Don Diego: What're you supposed to be, eh, a&hellip; duck? A bear? Don't be silly &mdash; bears don't have ears like that. I will allow you that you are a&hellip; a pig, but that is as far as I will go. That's all.


 * [On the road, Don Diego has defeated an apparent brigand in swordplay.]
 * Tax Collector: I beg your mercy from- from your flashing blade, and&mdash;
 * [Paco shows up in bear regalia.]
 * Tax Collector: Ooooh! Oh my God! &mdash; also from your hideous dog!


 * [Diego returns the money &mdash; and then some &mdash; to the old man and his family.]
 * Diego Zorro: You recognize that famous sign, eh?
 * Old Man: Oh, yes, Señor. It is a number "2".
 * Diego Zorro: That is not a "2". That is a "Z"!
 * Old Man: Oh, if you say so, Señor! But in the school, that is how they teach my granddaughter to draw a "2"!
 * Diego Zorro: Well, I say it is a "Z" &mdash; for "El Zorro"!


 * Diego Zorro: Spread the news&hellip; that he is back! To help the helpless! To befriend the friendless! And to defeat&hellip; the feetless!


 * [Zorro escorts Charlotte into the costume party, but Paco the "Bear" is stopped at the door.]
 * Guard: Where is your invitation, Señor Beaver?


 * [The "brigand", who turns out to be the Alcalde's henchman Velasquez, reports to Esteban about his misadventure.]
 * Velasquez: He said his name was, uh&hellip; "Zero". He was dressed all in black, and was accompanied by a&hellip; hideous dog.

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 * [Florinda chats with the mysterious black-clad stranger.]
 * Florinda: You know, as the Alcalde's wife, I must play many, many, many roles, but the people only see the part I play in public. Only a few select friends know my private parts.

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 * [Velasquez points out Zorro, who is dancing with Florinda.]
 * Captain Esteban: That man in the black sombrero &mdash; this is Zero?
 * Old Man: I am certain of it!
 * Captain Esteban: Then the hideous dog you refer to must be my wife, yeah?

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 * [Zorro crosses swords with the Alcalde.]
 * Captain Esteban: Is your blade as sharp as your tongue?
 * Zorro: Is yours as dull as your wit?
 * Captain Esteban: You're a little clumsy, are you not, my friend?
 * Zorro: To be your friend, I would have to be more than clumsy &mdash; I would have to be estupid!
 * Zorro: To be your friend, I would have to be more than clumsy &mdash; I would have to be estupid!

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 * [Florinda, crawling up a ladder into Diego's bedroom, tells him about Zorro's party intrusion.]
 * Florinda: He made a complete fool out of Esteban. Ha ha!
 * Don Diego: Well, with Esteban, there is so much material to work with!

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 * [Florinda moans about her miserable life with Esteban.]
 * Florinda: Do you realize&hellip; that we only make love 12 times a year?
 * Don Diego: Once a month is not too bad!
 * Florinda: I mean, 12 times in one night! And then, for the rest of the year &mdash; nothing!
 * Don Diego: Tell me&hellip; on that one night&hellip; does he eat anything especial? Oysters? Raw eggs?
 * Florinda: Garlic. A lot of garlic.
 * Don Diego: Ah!
 * Florinda: Diego, darling! Why didn't I marry you instead of him?
 * Don Diego: Perhaps because he asked you and I did not.

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 * [A suspicious, crazed Esteban forces an injured Diego to demonstrate his ability to move about.]
 * Captain Esteban: Now walking and running and jumping in place, and&hellip;
 * Esteban, Diego: [in unison] &hellip; now walking and running and jumping in place, and now walking and jumping and running in place&mdash;
 * Captain Esteban: STOP!

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 * [Captain Esteban confronts Don Diego at his home to determine if he is Zorro]
 * Captain Esteban:Now, lisp like a sissy
 * Don Diego:[lisps]
 * Captain Esteban:That's right! Now, swing your hips &hellip;
 * Captain Esteban:Excellent! Now flap your wrists &hellip;
 * Captain Esteban:And repeat after me [Esteban speaks in a greatly exaggerated sissy voice] "You naughty, naughty, evil Alcalde! I am going to do &hellip; many terrible things &hellip; TO YOU!" [laughs hysterically]

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 * [After Esteban skewers the casket in which Florinda is hiding, he leaves. Diego opens the casket to find Florinda, pressed up against one side.]
 * Don Diego: Florinda, you're not hurt!
 * [She shakes her bosom.]
 * Florinda: Thank God for small favors!

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 * [Diego is limping around on his broken foot.]
 * Don Diego: My father would be very ashamed of me now. To come all this distance, and miss my destiny by&hellip; a foot.

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 * [The mute Paco gestures wildly at Diego.]
 * Don Diego: Are jou jelling at me?

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 * [A flamboyant stranger presents himself at Don Diego's home.]
 * Don Diego: I know you?
 * Bunny Wigglesworth: Know me? Sink me! We were once&hellip; womb-mates!

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 * Bunny Wigglesworth: They say the Navy makes men. Well, I'm living proof &mdash; they made me.

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 * [Diego's brother Ramon, now "Bunny Wigglesworth", heads inside to greet their father.]
 * Bunny Wigglesworth: &hellip; I ought to freshen up and say "Hi-ho!" to the old gent. Tell me, is he still as loud as ever?
 * [Diego looks crestfallen.]
 * Don Diego: No. The last month, he's been very&hellip; quiet.

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 * [Diego senses a flaw in Bunny's impersonation of Zorro.]
 * Don Diego: Dere is-a something wrong with his bowels.
 * Bunny Wigglesworth: My what?
 * Don Diego: Jour bowels! The way you say your "ah", your "ee", and your&hellip; "jooz".

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 * [During one of Bunny Zorro's appearances before the people&hellip;]
 * Bunny Zorro: And remember, my people &mdash; there is no shame in being poor, only dressing poorly!

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 * [Outside Diego's home, Bunny is diguised as a priest wearing crisom velvet monk's robe.]
 * Captain Esteban: Tell me, Father &mdash; what order commands its priests to wear such strange clothes?
 * Bunny Wigglesworth: We are followers of Peter the Dressmaker. He who was Christ's tailor.

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 * [As Bunny Zorro gets a head start on his escape&hellip;]
 * Captain Esteban: Ah, Padre, with your permission, I would like to make to you a small donation, if I may, to your order.
 * Bunny Zorro: Your horse and your gold are gift enough! The people thank you, Your Repugnancy!
 * Captain Esteban: Now you mock the Church! Now you have me and God against you!
 * Don Diego: Me too!
 * Captain Esteban: FRUITCAKE!

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 * [After hatching his masked-ball plan to trap Zorro, Esteban embraces his wife passionately.]
 * Captain Esteban: Do you know&hellip; that little thing&hellip; we do&hellip; one night&hellip; every year?
 * Florinda: Yes! Oh, yes!
 * [Esteban drops her on the floor and walks off.]
 * Captain Esteban: We still have three months to go!
 * Florinda: You fink!

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 * [Esteban, dressed rather appropriately as Henry VIII, addresses his guards before the ball.]
 * Captain Esteban: He is cunning! He is crafty. He's not just going to walk in here and say, "Here I am!"
 * [Diego, dressed as Zorro, enters the palace.]
 * Don Diego: Here I am!

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 * [Diego admires Florinda's necklace.]
 * Don Diego: It looks like it'll buy the peoples a lot of houses, maybe even some schools and roads.
 * Florinda: Roads? What do the people need roads for? They never go anywhere.

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 * [In the women's restroom, Bunny, dressed as a woman, continues to help/hassle Florinda.]
 * Florinda: If you don't stop touching me, I shall have you&hellip; destroyed!

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 * [Florinda finally escapes Bunny and complains to her husband.]
 * Captain Esteban: Your neck!
 * Florinda: Did that woman bruise me? She's got hands like an gorilla!
 * [She drops her hands to her upper chest, where her necklace isn't.]
 * Esteban, Florinda: Neck! Neck! Neck! Neck!

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 * Diego Zorro: Now I know it is permitted for a man to be&hellip; bulnerable.
 * Charlotte Taylor Wilson: It's "vulnerable".

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 * [As the Alcade's men approach, Zorro takes his leave of Miss Wilson.]
 * Diego Zorro: And when I return, we will not have to worry how to pronounce, ah, ah&hellip; "bir&mdash;"
 * Charlotte Taylor Wilson: "Virgin"!

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 * [Esteban calls Zorro's bluff, forcing Zorro to surrender to prevent Charlotte's execution.]
 * Captain Esteban: I have always depended on people being nicer than me, and I have never in my life been disappointed.

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 * [The guards move Charlotte away from and Diego onto the execution platform.]
 * Charlotte Taylor Wilson: You're the bravest man I have ever met.
 * Don Diego: [nervously] I'm very impressed with myself, too.

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 * Florinda: Isn't he marvelous?
 * Don Fernando: He wears clothes well. I could never get into his pants.
 * Florinda: I bet I could.

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 * Guard: &hellip; you are sentenced to be executed&hellip; until you are dead!

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 * Charlotte Taylor Wilson: I have only one regret&hellip;
 * Diego Zorro: [to himself] One? I have one for every day I'm not going to live!

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 * Bunny Zorro: Two bits, four bits / Six bits, a peso / All for Zorro / Stand up and say so!

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 * Don Diego: What jou like for a wedding present?
 * Charlotte Taylor Wilson: For myself, nothing. But I thought for the people, you might donate your land.
 * Don Diego: I give my land to the peoples? If we give away my land, where you think we gonna live?
 * Charlotte Taylor Wilson: Boston!
 * Don Diego: Boston?!
 * Charlotte Taylor Wilson: It's really the only civilized city. The best food, the best art, the best music!
 * Don Diego: The best music. You gotta be joking! I spent a week in Boston once, and I don't think I heard a decent Mariachi player in the city!

Tagline

 * Zexy, Zany, Zensational !

Cast

 * George Hamilton - Don Diego Vega / Zorro / Bunny Wigglesworth / Ramon Vega
 * Lauren Hutton - Charlotte Taylor-Wilson
 * Brenda Vaccaro - Florinda
 * Ron Leibman - Captain Esteban
 * Donovan Scott - Paco
 * James Booth - Velasquez
 * Helen Burns - Consuelo
 * Clive Revill - Garcia
 * Carolyn Seymour - Dolores
 * Eduardo Noriega - Don Francisco
 * Pilar Pellicer - Don Francisco's wife
 * Jorge Russek - Don Fernando
 * Eduardo Alcaraz - Don Jose
 * Carlos Bravo y Fernández - Don Luis Obispo
 * Roberto Dumont as Ferraro
 * Jorge Bolio - Pablito
 * Frank Welker - Narrator (voice)